Did my roommate reveal his true colors?

nzsomebody

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I think fundamentally he considers you a friend, but peer pressure and showing off gets the better of him when he's around others and so does what he thinks will keep him fitting in with them. I wouldn't take much of it to heart.

I'm not saying it's forgivable - it's not - but don't discard him as a friend because of it. We all say stupid things to people we shouldn't when we're young and this is his moment. Have a casual chat with him next time you bump into him in the kitchen or where ever and remind him that it's not cool to "joke around" on those sorta subjects when it's a group vs just yourself and makes him look like a dick :)
 

hrdhatdad

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It might sound like a copout but I think your ages are a big factor. 5 years from now he'd be totally cool with you because he knows you beyond your sexuality (maybe not his friends though, they sound like assholes). That said, you need to at least live in a gay friendly environment because afterall, it's your home.
 

lucidbass

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I think fundamentally he considers you a friend, but peer pressure and showing off gets the better of him when he's around others and so does what he thinks will keep him fitting in with them. I wouldn't take much of it to heart.

I'm not saying it's forgivable - it's not - but don't discard him as a friend because of it. We all say stupid things to people we shouldn't when we're young and this is his moment. Have a casual chat with him next time you bump into him in the kitchen or where ever and remind him that it's not cool to "joke around" on those sorta subjects when it's a group vs just yourself and makes him look like a dick :)

Yep, this.

Homophobia does suck, but if you consider the situation, despite his homophobia he still considers the OP his friend and I'm thinking that his homophobia is skindeep while his friendship is deeper. It's messed up but if you consider the way he grew up and the friends he's surrounded himself with growing up, it makes sense why he would be that way and by befriending the op he's clearly taking steps.

People are quick to judge people like him, but he can't help his upbringing and he can't expected to switch from socially conservative to socially libertarian in one day. The fact that he can befriend someone who he's been taught to hate in itself is pretty great.
 

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Glad you are open to keeping the relationship going on some level, if not as roomies. I think that his friendship with you is an opportuinity for his personal growth, and part of the leaving behind of all that social conditioning we are supposed to question when we move out and go to college.
 

mattsrod7

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Is faggot a bad word? I've got gay friends that said it doesn't bother them and even use the word themselves. I figured the stigma severity is gone, its just a word.
 

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Most people aren't 100% anything, including assholes. Your roommate sounds like he is having his experience where he redefines what he was taught about gay people, by rooming with one. You seem really generous with cutting him slack. Calling someone faggot seems really harsh, but i can also imagine how it means something really different to him - like calling someone gay which means almost nothing/anything nowadays. Just my 2cents. I bet he changes from his experience with you as a roommate- not that it is your job to change him, just sayin'. - But I would have been over the fucking moon if I had you as a roommate in college. - I'd welcome you walking around naked swinging that dick anytime you wanted to.
 

gaygent

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As with any words or phrases it depends on who said it, and how it was said. Gay people call each other faggot and queer and it usually is meant in a jocular or friendly way. Black people use terms between themselves which would be considered racist if spoken by non-black people. If straight guys call another guy faggot in a situation where there is clearly some animosity between them then you can be sure that the term is offensive.
 

Stringer

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I know what you're going through I'm a first year student and I have the exact situation going right now with one of my flatmates.
He comes from an anti gay family all his friends are proper "british lad" ( binge drinking, drugs, pub on saturday....) and everything about him was "kill faggots" then he moved with me and from the first day i came out to him. but I'm not a flamboyant queen, I am a masculine guy even though I like being feminine at some moment. I basically broke the gay mould for him. instead of being queeny, bitching, and annoying I showed him that I could his equal or even more. That gave me some respect from him and it opened his eyes on the gay community. but every time that a friend of his come or his family it's like his "true colours" kicks in.
My idea is that if they are raised like that you can try to educate them about us but deep inside there are still trace of their upbringing.

I would advise you to keep your distance from him but still keep it friendly and cool. you know say hi , how was your day ... just be social but don't get personal because in time of crisis (drunk, argument, stress..) he will use that gay thing against you. Hope that I helped

PS: those pics of yours? call me when your loony roommate move I'd live with you anytime ;) (that was the queen bitch in me =D)
I'm very similar to you. Really masculine, but enjoy being jokingly feminine at times, even if it's just mocking myself being a gay guy. Also you talked about "breaking the gay mold." That's been the case with so many people I know, especially high school friends who had no clue I was gay. They had a preconceived notion of gay men as queeny guys for the most part, and then after finding out I was gay, it was like "oh, he's gay? I had no idea." And most people seemingly liked me MORE after finding out I was gay. I have a good friend, who's a devout Muslim, who told me "you know, I always thought if I were to come into contact with a gay guy, I'd hate him, but I just can't hate you dude. I love you." That was amazing for me. One of the best compliments I've ever received.

Anyway, I digress.....

Stringer, I don't generally throw out arbitrary compliments but I think you're a really good guy.
Why, thanks, Nick.

He comes across as conflicted. The fact that you guys are friends and do get along implies that he does fundamentally respect you, though.

I don't know. I don't think you should be surprised of his homophobia, but you should be offended that he crossed the line but I'm under the impression that the both of you provoke each other a lot and see how far you can take it and he just took it too far.
Not surprised at all at his homophobia. It makes sense because of how he was raised. You can't control what your parents instill in you. What you CAN control is how you're open to new ideas as you mature - and he's been open to talking with me about the subject several times in the past (in a non-drunken, serious setting). He's still going through some internal conflict obviously, but I think his views on homosexuality have changed a bit. He really knew very little before he met me (he thought being gay was a choice.) I think you're right in that he fundamentally respects me.

maybe your unintentionally flirting on him without realizing. I really hate it when guys do that to me.
This could not be further from the truth. I have zero sexual inklings for the guy. At all.

This sounds like a toxic friendship. Learn from it and move on.
It's toxic because we live in the same room as each other. We both agree that living apart will eliminate a lot of the problems we have with each other. Much of our fighting comes because we are just around each other too much. Yeah, some parts might be toxic, it's not so black and white where I either ditch him, or keep him as a roommate. I guess you can take what I wrote in the OP with a grain of salt because I listed, in detail, only negative things about our relationship. We both enjoy each other's company most of the time.
I think fundamentally he considers you a friend, but peer pressure and showing off gets the better of him when he's around others and so does what he thinks will keep him fitting in with them. I wouldn't take much of it to heart.

This guy is not your friend and I can't even understand why you'd want to call him that. He and his friends are dicks. You should write this idiot off and hang out with people who respect you.
His friends are certainly dicks. I think he's better than them though.

It might sound like a copout but I think your ages are a big factor. 5 years from now he'd be totally cool with you because he knows you beyond your sexuality (maybe not his friends though, they sound like assholes). That said, you need to at least live in a gay friendly environment because afterall, it's your home.
Good point about age. Maturity is a big factor in all of this. After all, we're first year college students fresh into the real world.
Yep, this.

Homophobia does suck, but if you consider the situation, despite his homophobia he still considers the OP his friend and I'm thinking that his homophobia is skindeep while his friendship is deeper. It's messed up but if you consider the way he grew up and the friends he's surrounded himself with growing up, it makes sense why he would be that way and by befriending the op he's clearly taking steps.

People are quick to judge people like him, but he can't help his upbringing and he can't expected to switch from socially conservative to socially libertarian in one day. The fact that he can befriend someone who he's been taught to hate in itself is pretty great.
Great post. I talked with my parents about your last point, that it's great that he's kept a friendship despite what he learned during his upbringing.
Glad you are open to keeping the relationship going on some level, if not as roomies. I think that his friendship with you is an opportuinity for his personal growth, and part of the leaving behind of all that social conditioning we are supposed to question when we move out and go to college.
Agreed.

Is faggot a bad word? I've got gay friends that said it doesn't bother them and even use the word themselves. I figured the stigma severity is gone, its just a word.
It's very offensive to me when it's meant in a mean spirited way. That's about the only word in the dictionary that offends me, actually. That and other gay slurs.

Most people aren't 100% anything, including assholes. Your roommate sounds like he is having his experience where he redefines what he was taught about gay people, by rooming with one. You seem really generous with cutting him slack. Calling someone faggot seems really harsh, but i can also imagine how it means something really different to him - like calling someone gay which means almost nothing/anything nowadays. Just my 2cents. I bet he changes from his experience with you as a roommate- not that it is your job to change him, just sayin'. - But I would have been over the fucking moon if I had you as a roommate in college. - I'd welcome you walking around naked swinging that dick anytime you wanted to.
Good post. And maybe in another life. :wink:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I guess this post I just made was a counter to the original post I made, listing some of the positive things. Thanks for the responses guys. I just wanted to vent and hear some other opinions.
 
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XSILVER

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Stringer... You sound like a really awesome guy who has his head tight on his shoulders. It just sucks that all of this had to happen between you and your room mate. Especially that he seemed like a good giy and you live together. Like alot of the others sad, Its good to go your seprate ways and save the friendship but (in my openion, only knowing what i'v read) its not going to last. he will eventually fade away... which may or may not be a bad thing.... Drunk or sober... Faggott is just as bad if not worse then the "N" word. There is no excuse for it and you are like me where it hit you like a knife in the gut. Gays have enough to deal with from socity, we dont need to live with it aswell. Move on and get a new roomate in there who is accepting and has a great sense of humor! Cheeres!
 

PhoenixInvictus

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Stringer, he's an asshole, maybe one day he will change, being that he's young. But for now irrefutably he's an asshole, and one thing you don't do is share your business with assholes. He's your room mate, I get that, but he was raised a certain way, and he'd act worse and think worse if he didn't have you as a room mate, and when you aren't aren't around I'm sure his truer nature comes out. Don't fool yourself. I'm not saying fight with him, but perhaps you might want to consider distancing yourself from him, but being civil at the same time. I suggest you don't share any personal info with him. Oh and another thing, HE'S STUPID. A stupid asshole? There's nothing good from people like that. If I had a room mate who called me the N word. Do you know what I'd do to them? The whole calling u a faggot thing.... is he serious? Seriously u don't need to talk with him and be his pal b/c you're room mates. All you need to do is pay the bills together, and perhaps the occasional hello. I can't even begin to impress upon you how much of an asshole he is ( hint he doesn't think everyone should have basic civil rights b/c that's how GOD would want it ). When you get a little older, one thing becomes very apparent, most people, they aren't decent. So be the best that u can be and don't waste time on dick heads like that. Later kiddo! : )~
 
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I think fundamentally he considers you a friend, but peer pressure and showing off gets the better of him when he's around others and so does what he thinks will keep him fitting in with them. I wouldn't take much of it to heart.

I'm not saying it's forgivable - it's not - but don't discard him as a friend because of it. We all say stupid things to people we shouldn't when we're young and this is his moment. Have a casual chat with him next time you bump into him in the kitchen or where ever and remind him that it's not cool to "joke around" on those sorta subjects when it's a group vs just yourself.
This is basically how I see it. I think he likes you as a mate - perhaps has some conflicting feelings about homosexuality (due to religion, upbringing - even his own ambiguous feelings perhaps?), and tries pretty hard to make it work. But - lets peer pressure get the better of him when with his mates.

I think he wants to be 'cool' and well thought of by his peers - macho etc, and perhaps tries extra hard to show them he's not gay too - since they're aware he shares with a gay room-mate. But I also think he values you, and doesn't really want to do wrong by you - and the two perspectives kinda clash sometimes.

Living separately sounds like a good idea tho. More space from each other, less pressure and time to grow in maturity too. Don't give up on him - for a straight guy he seems to have done pretty well (better than many I've known). :)
 

1Cody

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Sounds like you were both pushing each others buttons. Beings you are both young, you could each be trying to form boundaries and form your own ideas about things. Young people can be what might seem like accepting when it is that they just haven't had the experience or formed their own opinion about a subject. You are very lucky that today you live in a society that you can even have the freedom to come out to a room mate in such a manner. It wasn't too long ago, that such a thing would have been truly scandalous.

I have friends in the past that always wanted to go on the prowl for babes. It wasn't overly important for me to play. But when I decided to play along, it was not appreciated at all. I then became the competition. My one friend that considered himself quite the ladies man completely quit partying with me for a time, because I was getting all the girls. I did try to tell him that it was only because they had all had him already!!! Yes, it is a lot of fun to chase girls with a friend. I am guessing that is what your room mate meant by having a gay room mate sucks.

I personally don't need to affirm my sexuality to anyone.
 

englad

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What kind of tone did he use? If he was merely taking the piss and throwing a couple sly digs in, then it's a poor choice of word, but he doesn't care. If he said it with a sense of seriousness and/or disgust then it's an issue, and he doesn't deserve your respect.

Having said that, I've had homophobic friends before and seen their acceptance grow, and that is a real pleasure to watch them grow as a person. Seeing them apologise for the way they used to behave, it was heart warming and it made me think far more about them that they "grew up" mentally about it. So leaving the door open for the friendship is worthwhile if you think he's likely to change.

You could always call him up on what he said and observe his reaction. If he gets defensive, then maybe he had exposed his true feelings. Hope this helps, good luck mate
 

conor

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If he was truly homophobic, he would not have remained friends with you. I think you started this argument, and provoked him. Have you never said anything you regretted - especially when your defences were low - eg, after drinking too much? Perhaps you guys should look at your drinking-habits, because it sounds as if alcohol was the cause of this unhappy situation. Just a thought...
 

Catharsis

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I think this guy is not your friend on many levels.
Yeah. Basically what you and phoenix1 said is what I would deduce from this.

He has to act like a douche in front of his friends because he wants to keep them as his friends and not be thought of any differently by them. I think his priorities are quite clear in this scenario - his homophobic friends are more important than you are to him. Whatever his reasons are for this, if it's because you're gay or because you're "just his room mate" or because he's drunk and will say stupid things, it doesn't matter. I don't think he values you as a true friend.

I'd just like to emphasize that these are just my thoughts and I am probably wrong. But as for my opinion based on all of this, I'm glad that you guys decided not to room together, next year. And I'm not going to tell you not to keep in touch with him, but I really don't think it will last beyond this semester. And if the friendship does work out, well, that's great.

Either way, all the best to you and good luck.