Did my roommate reveal his true colors?

Stringer

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Sorry to bump an older thread but I just wanted to give an update.

Just now I was able to bring up the night where he called me a faggot. I told him what he said to me. He said "oh, that's bad." Ya fucking think?

A minute of silence....

I then say "do you wanna apologize?"

He says "I mean, I was drunk, I said things I don't mean." ...and that was it.

I don't think much more needs to be said... I'm done.
 

BJs4You IL

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Sorry to bump an older thread but I just wanted to give an update.

Just now I was able to bring up the night where he called me a faggot. I told him what he said to me. He said "oh, that's bad." Ya fucking think?

A minute of silence....

I then say "do you wanna apologize?"

He says "I mean, I was drunk, I said things I don't mean." ...and that was it.

I don't think much more needs to be said... I'm done.

that sucks...sorry man
 

f0zzie05

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Ive dealt with things like this when I lived at home with my parents the attitude the slander the "Oh I didn't mean what I said etc" the fact is, is that once you move on to live elsewhere their emotional abuse will stop. The reason being is that they will soon realize what they have lost and try to reconcile with you for their actions. I can only guess that you are the one that keeps things together in the house with chores and food maybe? And your roomates "friends" probably just come by to leave a mess? Just a guess here but I've been through something similar w roomates as well besides my parents. Try and find a new place to live or maybe a boyfriend to live with or just another gay roomate. Early 20's and homophobia go hand in hand so there is no reason to punish yourself too much unless things change. Emotional abuse is unacceptable, but if anything bust their stones about being straight, but I'm sure that's probably not in your nature. Or just don't drink with them any longer. Best wishes : )
 

DarkOverlord

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This is a really interesting thread and I'm glad you both worked it out Stringer. You do sound like you have a good head on those young shoulders.
From what I remember of my first year at Uni it was a crazy, fun and confusing time. Everybody was trying to be themselves while also trying to find out who exactly they were without the usual influences of parents and friends they grew up with. It does get easier, at Uni and in life with a few more years under your belt. However, please remeber you never have to take anything, from anyone that makes you feel bad because you are you. Confront them with how it felt from your perspective (preferably when sober) and let them explain their behaviour. It will make for a less easy life but in my experience much better friendships/ relationships.
Your friend should be greatful you were tolerant enough to give him time to learn a different perspective. I know I am to several friends in my life!
 

Stringer

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Sorry to bump an older thread but I just wanted to give an update.

Just now I was able to bring up the night where he called me a faggot. I told him what he said to me. He said "oh, that's bad." Ya fucking think?

A minute of silence....

I then say "do you wanna apologize?"

He says "I mean, I was drunk, I said things I don't mean." ...and that was it.

I don't think much more needs to be said... I'm done.

I'm sitting here 14 months later almost chuckling at this. It really feels like a long time ago. Here's the update from the past year+...

Things got ugly as our freshman year drew to a close, as you read before. That led us to pretty much zero communication with each other for most of last summer. I came home to New York and we had no real reason to talk to each other. We had a distance between us now and we were busy with our home lives. Both of us were beyond sick of the other and after spending day in and day out together, by choice or not, it was nice to get quality alone time.

...fastforward past the summer...

I got back to school on a Saturday late last August and immediately thought "welp, I need people to hang out with again." So I called up [let's call the "roommate" Dan] on my first day back. We were both excited for sophomore year and we both agreed to hang out again. The first night, Dan had a group of people over to his apartment before we went out to a concert on campus, and we had a few drinks and were laughing and sharing stories again. That *spark* was back!

Soon enough, we were back to hanging out a whole lot. Listening to music, watching football, soccer and basketball together, drinking, eating, really good conversations, semi-deep philosophical debates about life and current events/politics, laughing, more drinking and eating, video games, etc. The whole school year we hung out whenever we both had free time. I enjoyed being at his apartment way more than sitting alone at mine (where I had REAL asshole roommates, but that's a story for another day) and we did a ton of stuff together. Whenever we went out on campus, it was together.

The petty fights of freshman year seemed silly at this point. We both clearly knew the main problem in our relationship was that we were around each other too damn much. Our not living together sophomore year totally eliminated all the negative vibes from our friendship. Totally.

Last year he was anti-gay marriage; now when I ask him he's "indifferent." HA--- whatever, I'll take any progress I can get. Also, he told me one night (intoxicated, which should be a given at this point) "ya know Stringer, you can tell me anything, even if you ever want to vent about issues with a guy." It was nice to hear him say that. And I took him up on it! I go to him whenever I have romantic drama now and he listens and gives me great advice. He just wants me to be happy.

At the end of sophomore year, just two months ago, I was going through a very tumultuous time. I was juggling final exams for difficult courses while my heart and brain were going nuts with this new guy I got totally infatuated with. I told him about what I was going through and he was great. Dan was leaving the country for vacation when he finished his exams, but I still had two more days left on campus. The morning of his flight, I wrote out a text message to him saying how much fun I had all year, that I appreciate having him in my life and that he's a special guy...and that I love him -- I actually got choked up as I was drawing out the message. I hesitated before deciding to write that because I knew he would be sort of uncomfortable with me saying "I love you" in a serious and deep way. He wrote back "love you too."

Now it's the summertime and we are apart again. But this time, we've already seen each other twice and are now trying to organize a weekend where we meet at my cousin's house in Jersey by the beach. We text almost daily, we email each other at work, and are pretty much never out of contact with each other for more than several days, tops.

There's one thing that sort of bothers me though. It's been troubling me a bit recently, actually. I have no problem giving him compliments, showering him with [platonic, duh] love and affection, calling him my best friend and all that jazz, and I do it often. That's just who I am -- one of the most extroverted and expressive people you'll ever meet. He only is really expressive like that to me when he drinks. He'll only tell me how appreciative and happy he is that I'm there after a few shots and beers. I'll admit I feel insecure at times about what he really thinks of me, and feel like maybe I should scale back all the nice things I say to him, just because it feels like I'm tipping the scale too much, and I would NOT want to make him uncomfortable. For the record, I don't think my compliments (like telling him how smart he is or how mature he is beyond his years) make him uncomfortable at all. I always give people genuine compliments if that's how I really feel.

My insecurity is probably not warranted. But it's tough for someone like me who TOTALLY wears his heart on his sleeve to get a read on someone like Dan, who's quiet, kind of shy, and holds his cards close to his chest. Although if I take a step back and look at the progress our friendship has made in just the last 14 months, I really should have no complaints. This is the same guy who, before he really got to know me, told me he probably would have requested a roommate change if he knew in advance that his roommate were gay. He now realizes how stupid that idea was, and I think he's glad I'm in his life too.