Did you "choose" to be gay?

[Dustin Berry]

I'm 18 and gay, just came out and I this question has irked me since middle school. Did any of you actually choose to be gay? I'm not asking about whether or not you chose to come out or express youself as gay, I'm asking about whether or not you chose to be attracted to other men. It would boggle me if anyone would. I'm all for pride, but who would want to be a part of a minority struggling to fit in?

 

[eroc001]

I didn't choose what makes my dick jump up

 

[Brodie888]

I'm 18 and gay, just came out and I this question has irked me since middle school. Did any of you actually choose to be gay? I'm not asking about whether or not you chose to come out or express youself as gay, I'm asking about whether or not you chose to be attracted to other men. It would boggle me if anyone would. I'm all for pride, but who would want to be a part of a minority struggling to fit in?

Being gay is pure instinct. It comes naturally like a duck to water. Nobody tells you to be gay, you just know it when you see a gorgeous guy that makes your heart race, you can't take your eyes off him and all you want is for him to feel the same way about you.

 

[deleted994557]

I don't think it's a choice. We are who we are. I found it sad in your posts that you would *choose* to be straight. You shouldn't have to feel bad about who you are or wish it away. I guess I can understand that you would want to avoid the struggle. But please don't be down on yourself and wishing you were something you're not just to please other people. Be yourself and be happy.

 

[LPSG2222]

I tried very hard for a long time to not be gay. It didn't work. Some ppl are just born this way. I was. I have had many opportunities with gorgeous women. I will take the d every time. Just saying it is what it is

 

[benson19]

Nah wasn't a choice for me.
My interest towards boys began from a early age but i had no idea what it all meant. As i got older i thought back and then said to myself 'ohhhhhh now i get it' etc.

I can just remember always feeling excited at just the thought of getting to see another male naked. I was never exposed to anything out of the ordinary and had a pretty typical normal childhood upbringing.
I guess its as some say...some people are just born this way.

 

[Brodie888]

I think I was like a lot of gay teens. I tried as hard as I could to live a straight life. You hope that the gay feelings would go away.

You go through the motions of having a girlfriend because that's what's expected. Being a good looking guy without a GF raises too many questions.

But being with a girl is like assembling Ikea furniture. It feels like work and the furthest thing from sexy.

You get constant reminders that you are gay. You can't help looking that extra second at that hot guy in your team in the change room. You find yourself ravenously searching for gay porn to feed your desires. You get that stabbing pain of jealousy as your best friend picks up some unworthy slut to have sex with.

When you have sex with a guy, it just feels right. Like it was always meant to be that way. I remember sucking my first cock and thinking it was the most natural thing for me to do.

 

[notN2pussy]

yeah, no choice, knew very early in life.

 

[985282]

Did I "choose" to be gay? No

 

[Dustin Berry]

I'll have u guys know, I 100% understand what its like to be in the closet in highschool, I was until only a couple months ago. I'm not ashamed of who I am right now (much), but if I were given the choice before I were born to be gay or straight, I think i'd go straight to avoid all this... awkwardness

 

[WillyLong]

No one chooses what makes their heart skip a beat.

 

[notN2pussy]

That may pass as you age and experience

 

[winesthel945]

I'll have u guys know, I 100% understand what its like to be in the closet in highschool, I was until only a couple months ago. I'm not ashamed of who I am right now (much), but if I were given the choice before I were born to be gay or straight, I think i'd go straight to avoid all this... awkwardness

It's only awkward because of those around you who maybe aren't being supportive or even decent. That will pass, especially as you get older, get out of the house, go to college or move to other towns, and hopefully begin to surround yourself with friends and your "logical" (rather than "biological") family. As they say: it gets better. So don't worry, you'll enjoy and embrace who you really are even if in this hot minute it seems bothersome.

 

[BIGBULL29]

Straight men, more or less , have to fit in - gay men don't really (unless you're into the gym body thing). There are exceptions, however.

I love pride events, as everyone - straight, gay, bi - can let their hair down for a minute. Who cares what makes your cock hard or your pussy wet?

 

[keenobserver]

I'll have u guys know, I 100% understand what its like to be in the closet in highschool, I was until only a couple months ago. I'm not ashamed of who I am right now (much), but if I were given the choice before I were born to be gay or straight, I think i'd go straight to avoid all this... awkwardness

I applaud you honesty. Being honest with yourself and others on your terms is the only way you will ever really know yourself and the truth of the people in your life. It does have an awkward set of moments. But really, so does being straight. The nail that stands the tallest gets the hammer the most.

I qualify as an old guy just about anywhere (okay - a young old guy - but still). In the gay world I am a relic that is somewhat rare. That is because a hole bunch of folks - mostly gay men - were wiped out in the late 70's through the 90's by the AIDS epidemic. That was pretty awkward. The joke that floated within the community was, "What's the worst part of having AIDS? - Trying to convince your mother you're Haitian." ( Folks from Haiti were also getting AIDS at the same time). My point is that the world has changed a lot since I was your age - and by the time you're my age it will have change a couple of more times.

People are more accepting in a lot of ways, and will be more accepting in the future. Today it is easier to build a family - spouse, house, dog (or God help us, a cat) and of course kids. That was extremely rare when I was coming out and finding myself. The list of things many my age made that they would never have was long. It is a lot shorter now. It will get shorter still.

There's a lot of resourses out there that can help - books and organizations, and of course the internet. Use them all and the awkwardness will abate and go away. Focus on where you are and what lies ahead - not what it feels like you've lost. Anything you "lost" be being open and honest about yourself is something you never had to begin with - you just did not know it.

You're headed in the right direction - be patient it really will get much better.

 

[Industrialsize]

I'll have u guys know, I 100% understand what its like to be in the closet in highschool, I was until only a couple months ago. I'm not ashamed of who I am right now (much), but if I were given the choice before I were born to be gay or straight, I think i'd go straight to avoid all this... awkwardness

I was born gay. You might want to spend some time on this website. It DOES get better: http://www.itgetsbetter.org/

 

[MisterB]

Hi Dustin--Your thread struck a nerve with me and I hope you don't mind hearing from the perspective of a 62 year old who came out at 19 in the early 1970s. Keenobserver and Industrialsize are spot on.

I "knew" I was different, but unlike today with the internet and social media, I thought I was the only one. I wasn't, thank goodness! I knew I had to live my true life, and I am glad I weathered the challenges that society offered at that time. Learning to love and accept myself at 19 I believe was paramount to leading a fulfilling life.

I was always the smart one in my family; school was easy, National Honor Society, etc. Since I was so smart, why would I choose to be in the minority and subject myself to harassment? Why would such a smart guy want to make his life more difficult? More complicated?

My response to the "choice" question by straight friends/co-workers over my adult life was always, When did you choose to be straight? Can't tell you how many times I saw the lightbulb go off, and how great it felt educating folks, even one at a time, lol.

Being gay is just a part of who I am. It has not defined me, but rather, enhanced my life in so many ways. I am a responsible, law-abiding, tax-paying American. Just like so many of my straight friends. Except that I have a partner and now-husband of 38 years.

Has getting here been easy? Hell no. But the journey, with all the roads traveled and the twists and turns and detours taken, has been so worth it. I firmly believe it to be much easier to be ones true self now than ever before. I never thought in my wildest dream that I would see gay rights come so far in my lifetime, let alone be able to marry the person I love.

You have so much potential today to be the person you want and deserve to be. You will face highs and lows along the way. But that's life. Go out and grab that brass ring, and don't look back. Best Wishes to you.

 

[HungDaddy612]

As a man who had his first crush on a girl at the age of 5 and his first crush on a boy at the age of 10, I knew from society that my crush on the girl was ok, and on the boy was not. I lived with this fact. At the age of 14 I asked a girl out and we dated until we graduated high school. During this time, starting at age 16 I also had fuck buddy. A classmate who had a crush on me kept asking me to stay overnight at his house. I was a jock. He was not. After months of asking I agreed. We went to a movie and I stayed at his house. He made the move. Before the night was over I had the best fuck of my life in his hot ass. On prom night I didn't double date with my best friend, rather with my fuck buddy so after we dropped our dates off, we spent the night together. I got a blow job from my girl friend and had a long edging session with my fuck buddy. It was a great senior prom! In college I met the women of my dreams. I recall before asking her to spend our lives together that I needed to share my past. I did. She shared that she had such an experience in 8th grade with a girl in her class. WHEW! We shared 17 years together before cancer ended our love. In those years I was faithful. We knew each others little secrets and on certain nights we would have fun with them in our conversations. It was hot. In the past 16 years I have exclusively been with men. Mostly men who are Bi. My partners and I have met women and straight couples for fun. My current (and hopefully last partner I will have on this earth) is also Bi. The energy between a Bi man with another Bi man is very different than being with a gay man, as I have. Its in the DNA. One enjoys the vagina, the other cringes at the thought of it. Because my partner and I are often in public situations with the men who consider themselves gay, I am often asked to identify myself as gay. I say it at times to see if it feels right, and as of today, it still is not a fit for me. I have said to my parents, family and friends that I am Bi. They assume because I am sleeping with a man, I am gay. I understand how it is easier to be "all straight" or "all gay", but I think a big reason for so much homophobia is most people are a little of each and dealing with this reality is challenging because like me as a child, everyone knows it is acceptable for a boy to have a crush on a girl, but not on another boy. The reality in my experience is both are ok. In your quest to come out, do so because it is a fit, not because you feel you only have two choices. Gay or Straight. You can also be BI or Asexual.

 

[umdoistressilvaquatro]

Straight men, more or less , have to fit in - gay men don't really (unless you're into the gym body thing). There are exceptions, however.

I love pride events, as everyone - straight, gay, bi - can let their hair down for a minute. Who cares what makes your cock hard or your pussy wet?

That's not all of what being gay is, not even close to it.
Why do even have to give your imput on every "Ask a GAY man" post that exists? You clearly know nothing of what is like to be gay if you believe gay men don't have to fit in while straights do.

 

[umdoistressilvaquatro]

I'm all for pride, but who would want to be a part of a minority struggling to fit in?

I understand you. I think we are getting pushed into self-deception when people force us to deny the fact that living as LGBT is harder than living as straight (and cisgender). You are not lacking in pride if you would choose to be straight if you could.
But I do think this feeling tends to go. If you have a strong, emotionally meaningful relationship, if you have a significant other, you will notice that wanting to be straight would also mean an end to that really important part of your life. The friends you made in the LGBT community will also prove the same. Learn about our history and about the changes that are occuring in the world, feel familiar about it as a form of heritage you own. It is the path you have taken because of your sexuality that makes it irreplaceable, not an artificial obligation to be proud.
About the first question: I don't think it's possible to choose your sexual orientation. I think I'll propose a poll on that on "ask a gay man", but I think not a single gay guy will answear yes.