Did you "choose" to be gay?

[pursine]

I'm 18 and gay, just came out and I this question has irked me since middle school. Did any of you actually choose to be gay? I'm not asking about whether or not you chose to come out or express youself as gay, I'm asking about whether or not you chose to be attracted to other men. It would boggle me if anyone would. I'm all for pride, but who would want to be a part of a minority struggling to fit in?

Desire is something that emerges from deeper layers of the brain than the neo-cortex. You cannot think yourself out of desire. Of course you can steer its course with practice. So a person can adopt an apparent demenor of straightness when they feel themselves to be attracted to their own sex, but it takes effort, has to be constrantly managed and may leave them unfulfilled in the sense that they may feel that they are living only to perform something for the benefit of others that they don't really believe in themselves.

 

[Titanomachina]

I didn't claimed that gay dead corpses were better than straight dead corpses. And what a retarded argument is that! "Nothing in life matters, since we will all end up dead". Fuck you, I have my values and I don't give them up. I believe being a fighter is a reason to be proud. What I said was merely the obvious: gay and bi people have to fight much more in their lifes because of their sexual orientation than straight people have, and being a fighter is a reason to be proud. Why should I get over that? We don't all have the obligation of being futile nihilists like you.

No they haven't. Being a needless fighter isn't a reason to be proud. Their struggle is pointless as they are just fighting....to be like everyone else. There isn't anything noble about struggling for the baseline.

People who fight for survival in the wild sure, or achieve and impossible dream, or a new idea/invention that changes the world. That's something to be proud of. What you are asking for is simply a participation prize, for being human. It's....mediocre.

 

[Titanomachina]

Now you're just being unpleasant. Many thousands of people across the world feel the need to be proud of being gay or a gay ally by attending Pride events. These events have played a big part in helping the gay rights movement and got us to where we are today. If people weren't proud to be gay these changes would not have happened, and the world for gay people would be a very different place, in a bad way.

I know what you're saying, and I used to have a similar stance. It's like being proud of being British or a man, or a woman, or black, or a twin or having a huge cock. It's something that just is. But as umdoistressilvaquatro put it, we are proud as a rebellion to how many of society thinks we should feel, ashamed.

It wouldn't matter in a large sense. Gay people make up a small number of the population. But I also have the right to call people stupid for being proud to be human. Even then, even if you do get "equal rights" (more like privileges), you always be seen as the other. The one's who had to be given the ability to be seen as human. It's like a child whining until the parent caves in.

Also, rebellion? That's cute.

 

[Titanomachina]

Desire is something that emerges from deeper layers of the brain than the neo-cortex. You cannot think yourself out of desire. Of course you can steer its course with practice. So a person can adopt an apparent demenor of straightness when they feel themselves to be attracted to their own sex, but it takes effort, has to be constrantly managed and may leave them unfulfilled in the sense that they may feel that they are living only to perform something for the benefit of others that they don't really believe in themselves.

That's most of life to be honest.

 

[nickinoo]

I'm glad I don't see life from your miserable perspective. And I'm glad plenty of other gay people in history have identified the need to fight instead of pretending everything is okay.

 

[Smaccoms]

When I say gay here I'm including the entire rainbow of the alphabet: LGBTQ...

This is the definition I use for the term "Queer"! I'm not gay, I'm queer. When I was gay, I was completely ashamed of the thought of me NOT being gay. I thought I needed to be as gay as gay could be. It took me awhile to realize that I can be fond of vaginas and not be so damn gay, and I could still like myself. The world wanted me to be gay, but I didn't...

 

[328982]

Being alive as a gay or bi person is being:
A) a survivor and
B) in open or concealed rebellion against the heterosexual-supremacist society
Both are reasons to be proud and proof that same-sex attraction it's not meaningless trait, only relevant in the bedroom, etc

It seems to me you've thoroughly internalised and inverted those heterosexual-supremacist values you rail against. Force yourself to freedom, honey!

 

[328982]

This is the definition I use for the term "Queer"! I'm not gay, I'm queer. When I was gay, I was completely ashamed of the thought of me NOT being gay. I thought I needed to be as gay as gay could be. It took me awhile to realize that I can be fond of vaginas and not be so damn gay, and I could still like myself. The world wanted me to be gay, but I didn't...

Yes, I think it's important that one's identity and self-worth aren't entirely bound up in being part of a tribe.

 

[Titanomachina]

I'm glad I don't see life from your miserable perspective. And I'm glad plenty of other gay people in history have identified the need to fight instead of pretending everything is okay.

It's realistic. But I'm sure all the activists will mellow out once they see that equality means they aren't so special anymore.

 

[nickinoo]

It's realistic. But I'm sure all the activists will mellow out once they see that equality means they aren't so special anymore.

Yes, I think this is the aim of the activism...

 

[Titanomachina]

Yes, I think this is the aim of the activism...

Seems self defeating.

 

[nickinoo]

Seems self defeating.

No it's not. 'Feeling special' is low down on the agenda for gay pride celebrations. Striving for equality and feeling normal in society, rather than special, is the aim. Although maybe the people who attend do feel special, even just for the day, and what's wrong with that? The events I have been to and have witnessed have been peaceful and friendly campaigns against discrimination and homophobic violence. At the same time they are a celebration of diversity and the progress already made, as well as a place gay people can feel safe and included.

 

[Mister2101]

I consider myself bisexual. I did not choose who I am attracted to, whether that is a man or a woman. I'm attracted to both, including trans women.
I do choose who I sleep with or have sex with. Its all good.

 

[Smaccoms]

Yes, I think it's important that one's identity and self-worth aren't entirely bound up in being part of a tribe.

I guess I thought I would need to give up my attraction toward men if it turned out I liked women. It's ALMOST as if there were something in this world telling me it was necessary for me to CHOOSE ONE!! As fucking if...

 

[328982]

I guess I thought I would need to give up my attraction toward men if it turned out I liked women. It's ALMOST as if there were something in this world telling me it was necessary for me to CHOOSE ONE!! As fucking if...

Me too. After being exclusively gay in my teens/early 20s I met a woman, we felt a connection and ended up living together for 2 or 3 years. I did this because I felt like it - we had fun, she was clever, the sex was good etc - not because I was in denial or felt I had to try to be straight. The opposite actually, I had to overcome some internal fears and feelings of taboo or trespass. What if I wasn't gay? Shit, am I really straight? What will my gay friends think? Actually some of them did treat it as a sort of betrayal, they disapproved of the relationship and were hostile to her as if she'd led me astray or something. Equally some of her straight friends were suspicious of me, mistrusted my commitment and motives - or at least felt protective of her. There seemed to be a pressure to conform on both sides, not to being straight per se, but to stay within the straight/gay boundaries, not to cross over, not to confuse the issue. I still fancied men while we were together but wasn't unfaithful. She was, but mainly out of frustration cos I wasn't great in bed and was always slightly withholding emotionally. Anyway, after the relationship ended, I went back to men exclusively. For a while, I admit I was a bit confused sexually and found sex with men unexciting or unrewarding - until I met a guy I had a real connection with and things clicked, we've been together since. I'm glad of my 'straight' interlude though and have remained in touch with my ex gf, though she's now married, and we consider each other to be our best friend.

 

[Smaccoms]

Me too. After being exclusively gay in my teens/early 20s I met a woman, we felt a connection and ended up living together for 2 or 3 years. I did this because I felt like it - we had fun, she was clever, the sex was good etc - not because I was in denial or felt I had to try to be straight. The opposite actually, I had to overcome some internal fears and feelings of taboo or trespass. What if I wasn't gay? Shit, am I really straight? What will my gay friends think? Actually some of them did treat it as a sort of betrayal, they disapproved of the relationship and were hostile to her as if she'd led me astray or something. Equally some of her straight friends were suspicious of me, mistrusted my commitment and motives - or at least felt protective of her. There seemed to be a pressure to conform on both sides, not to being straight per se, but to stay within the straight/gay boundaries, not to cross over, not to confuse the issue. I still fancied men while we were together but wasn't unfaithful. She was, but mainly out of frustration cos I wasn't great in bed and was always slightly withholding emotionally. Anyway, after the relationship ended, I went back to men exclusively. For a while, I admit I was a bit confused sexually and found sex with men unexciting or unrewarding - until I met a guy I had a real connection with and things clicked, we've been together since. I'm glad of my 'straight' interlude though and have remained in touch with my ex gf, though she's now married, and we consider each other to be our best friend.

Thank you for that story. Society pressures all of us to never say "I don't know what I want" or "I haven't decided yet" in response to sexual questions. But that's how life works! You don't know whom you're going to meet, least of all how they are going to make you feel. That is more important than these arbitrary labels we use to make sense of the societies we live in when it comes to intimate relationships. When given lemons, make lemonade!

I didn't enter a straight relationship, but I did experiment with straight sex. I was terrified of anyone finding out, or what to say if they did. I was terrified to even think about how I felt about this new kind of sex that had entered my life. I'm not so terrified anymore, but I am still frustrated. Oh well.

 

[umdoistressilvaquatro]

It seems to me you've thoroughly internalised and inverted those heterosexual-supremacist values you rail against. Force yourself to freedom, honey!

Elaborate.
And don't call a gay man honey.

 

[umdoistressilvaquatro]

The world wanted me to be gay, but I didn't...

That's doesn't sound like how it happens in anywhere in the World

 

[Titanomachina]

No it's not. 'Feeling special' is low down on the agenda for gay pride celebrations. Striving for equality and feeling normal in society, rather than special, is the aim. Although maybe the people who attend do feel special, even just for the day, and what's wrong with that? The events I have been to and have witnessed have been peaceful and friendly campaigns against discrimination and homophobic violence. At the same time they are a celebration of diversity and the progress already made, as well as a place gay people can feel safe and included.

They make a certain subset of the gay population feel that way. Pride is just an excuse to throw a party and to feel special for no reason. There isn't anything unique about being gay any more than straight. It's just being human. They say they want to feel normal in society but that is obviously not the case.

Or to put it more simply, Pride is a stupid event for stupid people.

 

[nickinoo]

They make a certain subset of the gay population feel that way. Pride is just an excuse to throw a party and to feel special for no reason. There isn't anything unique about being gay any more than straight. It's just being human. They say they want to feel normal in society but that is obviously not the case.

Or to put it more simply, Pride is a stupid event for stupid people.

You are being ignorant, and you are making assumptions about something you don't know about. Just because you don't like going to Pride, it doesn't make it or the people who attend it stupid. You seem very keen to separate yourself from a type of gay person. Everyone is different, there's no need to pigeonhole people.