Did you "choose" to be gay?

alcor972

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Does that answer your question?
yes it does...
thanks, smaccoms...
so man would be more asociated with virility and manhood than just male?...
... I think that one of the main characteristics of my behaviour is my obsession/fascination for manhood...
I wonder almost everyday what is to be a man...
I feel that the day I could bring a response to this question... I would be able to better understand my sexuality and the way it goes...
but... smaccoms... I'm pretty sure I could not be attracted by a masculine woman... lol...
so... based on this last point... is there really a separation between sex and gender?...
 
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Brodie888

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lol probably, but you'd be surprised. Context is everything here. Once I had a very very straight male roommate, and we would talk about sex all the time. It got to the point where we would talk about sex in our underwear with erections. I think he wanted me to give him a blow job, but we were both too afraid to even entertain a discussion about it

He's never actually had gay sex as far as I know. Definitely obsessed with getting his dick into wet vaginas though.

Honestly, I prefer the term queer to bisexual. But I think most people are the opposite, so I just go with whichever a person uses. I'm pretty fluid in my attractions. Some days I ignore girls for guys. Other days the opposite. Sometimes I only have eyes for trans men. It all depends on my mood I guess.

I DO know that I love servicing other people. As in I would much rather choose between giving or receiving oral sex over choosing a specific gender and/or sex. But, as always, it's a work in progress. I plan on keeping it a work in progress until the day I die, if your putting down what I'm picking up. ;):p

That makes sense. For you as a queer/bisexual person, it's more about the balance of dominant or submissive energy than whether your partner is a man or a woman.
 
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deleted789684

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This thread was going well for a little while, and then it had a bit of a nosedive, I think. Much as I'd like to let it be, I'd also like to contribute to the question of a new member of the male-attracted community. So, going back to the topic at hand...

I didn't choose to be attracted to people the way I am, but I did choose to label myself gay, after much slow-realising that's what suited best. Choosing a label doesn't much matter, because if people understand your attractions and behaviour, you'll be categorised in their mind anyway. I don't think anyone chooses the way in which they are attracted to people, but they do in part choose their understanding of that attraction.

I think you (Dustin) have got this pretty well understood from a choice perspective though. Seeing has it hasn't been posted, this wonderful article by The Onion, "After Careful Deliberation, Baby Goes With Homosexuality". The world being as it is, nobody has a reason to choose such a much harder path (barring anti-conformists), especially in many less-privileged parts of the world, as has been pointed out, and yet such people still surface. I believe this is because of a lack of choice. Sexuality has a tonne of components, some within conscious control (like the behaviour you actually choose to follow through with), but speaking specifically of who you innately find physically attractive, I do not think that anyone can or does choose.
 

Smaccoms

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Climbing Mount Everest is no doubt a difficult thing to do no matter how you go about it, yet people still do it.

The fact that being gay is difficult is not going to stop some people from choosing to be gay if that's what they really want.

Hell, it doesn't stop transsexuals from choosing to start HRT, does it?

I'm still convinced that even if it were a choice, there would be just as much homosexuality in our species as there is currently. I don't see anything wrong with it being a choice either. But only if one believes that homosexuality is not the correct or incorrect choice. It's just that...a choice.
 

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Climbing Mount Everest is no doubt a difficult thing to do no matter how you go about it, yet people still do it.

The fact that being gay is difficult is not going to stop some people from choosing to be gay if that's what they really want.

Hell, it doesn't stop transsexuals from choosing to start HRT, does it?

I'm still convinced that even if it were a choice, there would be just as much homosexuality in our species as there is currently. I don't see anything wrong with it being a choice either. But only if one believes that homosexuality is not the correct or incorrect choice. It's just that...a choice.


"If that's what they really want . . ." is the proof that orientation is not a choice. You can choose to accept that are gay but you cannot choose to be gay. Trans actually also prove that. A person does not go through all the work to transition because it would be fun, or even sexy, but because it is how they are oriented - that they did not choose. Accepting it very important, but accepting it is not choosing it.
 

alcor972

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...
this thread was rather tranquil... as the answer to dustin's question seemed evident...
then smaccoms came in... lol...
and now he has made some failures in my certainties... lol...
actually... several posters have already suggested that smaccoms is certainly bisexual rather than being the gay man who decided no more being gay yet... and they could be right...
however... I can't help wondering if he could actually have described a natural process that might make someone to partially modify its sexual orientation during its life...
earlier this mounth... I had two straight dreams during the same week...
I would consider this as rather anecdotical if a member here... swoon... hadn't told me that such dreams were for her the precursor signs of a gradual shifting in her sexual orientation...
a honnest examination of my life totally indicates that I'm gay and not bisexual... so why those dreams?...
is it really correct to say that swoon was already bisexual but that she was ignoring it or denying it?...
I rather think that sexual orientation may be less defined with some persons... and that it can naturally shift for some reason at some point of their life...
of course... this put the stress on a clear definition of bisexuality... what I can't really do at this time... particularly now actually... lol
because... in this case... bisexuality could be a kind of transitionnal state rather than an equilibrium state in the sexual orientation...
so... I would now answer to dustin...
no... you can't choose to be gay... nevertheless... natural processes in some minds... not necessarily yours... may be responsible for a... slight... change in sexual orientation...
thanks
 
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umdoistressilvaquatro

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Why is a bisexual man even responding to this thread anyway?
I had recently received a message from a moderator informing that I had a comment of mine removed from a "ask a straight" post, "why do straight men get so offended when they see a man hit a woman". I don't generally post on "ask a straight" because straight people's opinions don't interest me but the title seemed to beg the question "why do you think only straight men get offended by anti-woman violence?". Even though the OP actually asked what gay men thought on that latter, the good people of straightlandia thought that I shouldn't comment there, and they're on their right, since there is already a forum for me.
It got me wondering why then half of the people who post on "ask a gay man" is either bisexual, straight or doesn't define their sexuality... Not only on random topics, but topics that only gay men should post ("did you choose to be gay" again presumes that you are gay). And not only post, but shitpost... regularly.
 

umdoistressilvaquatro

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Hell, it doesn't stop transsexuals from choosing to start HRT, does it?
I wasn't going to answer you anymore (after you showed to be completely ignorant about sexual reorientation and still wanted to argue about it), but I guess this is something some people here might also get it wrong. Transsexuals actually have it much harder lifes without HRT than with it. And I'm not saying just in terms of relieving gender dysphoria, but also to ease discrimination. They generaly can only "pass" as people of their gender if they go throgh HRT. In some countries/states, it's even a requirement to change their gender in the eyes of the law.
 
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Smaccoms

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I still cannot believe that everyone is insistent that my gay male identity in high school was me being in denial. It wasn't. I was gay, period. Then in college, I became something else. I went through several identities until I found my queerness. I don't understand why so many are so resistant to the fact that PEOPLE CHANGE. Literally everything else about a human being changes over their life time. Why would sexuality or gender be any different?

I responded to this thread because I was gay for multiple years before I gradually became queer instead. I clearly stated this in my first post as well.
 
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Smaccoms

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yes it does...
thanks, smaccoms...
so man would be more asociated with virility and manhood than just male?<---I agree with this statement, that's why it's "manhood" and not "malehood"
... I think that one of the main characteristics of my behaviour is my obsession/fascination for manhood...
I wonder almost everyday what is to be a man...
I feel that the day I could bring a response to this question... I would be able to better understand my sexuality and the way it goes...
but... smaccoms... I'm pretty sure I could not be attracted by a masculine woman... lol...
so... based on this last point... is there really a separation between sex and gender?...

Strictly speaking, not all men have penises and not all women have vaginas. Its a situational thing. Imagine a virgin male tells you they're gay. Doesn't know how sucking a cock makes them feel, do they? They're probably referring to their attraction toward masculinity and men, as opposed to actual sex with the male form.

Finding cock sucking attractive is separate from finding men attractive. The two just so happen to be tied together when most settle down with a male partner whom identifies as a man and has the typical male form.
 
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keenobserver

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I still cannot believe that everyone is insistent that my gay male identity in high school was me being in denial. It wasn't. I was gay, period. Then in college, I became something else. I went through several identities until I found my queerness. I don't understand why so many are so resistant to the fact that PEOPLE CHANGE. Literally everything else about a human being changes over their life time. Why would sexuality or gender be any different?

I responded to this thread because I was gay for multiple years before I gradually became queer instead. I clearly stated this in my first post as well.

The change in sexuality would go only as far as the orientation. Not feeling the need to act on aspects of it does not mean it wasn't there. You were willing to explore it and integrate it, but you did not choose it. The disagreement is not that sexuality can't change or evolve but that no one can choose to turn it on or off.
 
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Smaccoms

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The change in sexuality would go only as far as the orientation. Not feeling the need to act on aspects of it does not mean it wasn't there. You were willing to explore it and integrate it, but you did not choose it. The disagreement is not that sexuality can't change or evolve but that no one can choose to turn it on or off.

You CAN choose to turn it on or off. Also, I wasn't sexually attracted to women in high school. So there was no aspect of my sexuality for me to act on that would have involved women.

Once I got to college, i actively chose to explore it even though I had no real deep sexual desire to. I forced myself into jerking off to a couple of photos of women...THAT'S when I found a sexual desire beginning to develop for the first time...very slowly.

It was pretty cool to find myself wanting something based on nothing else than the fact that I forced myself into it. It made me realize that an active choice can be just as valid as a natural tendency.
 
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keenobserver

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You CAN choose to turn it on or off. Also, I wasn't sexually attracted to women in high school. So there was no aspect of my sexuality for me to act on that would have involved women.

Once I got to college, i actively chose to explore it even though I had no real deep sexual desire to. I forced myself into jerking off to a couple of photos of women...THAT'S when I found a sexual desire beginning to develop for the first time...very slowly.

It was pretty cool to find myself wanting something based on nothing else than the fact that I forced myself into it. It made me realize that an active choice can be just as valid as a natural tendency.

Clearly neither of us is willing to move off our original positions. That's fine. I do want you to know I respect your experiences even if I disagree with how you interpret them. I also appreciate your willingness to share your life in a forum like this and willingly and openly defend your points of view. Thank you for that. I don't think I have anything else to say on the subject because I feel like I am beating you over the head by continuing to respond and that detracts from you having shared your experiences so openly and honestly. I do not want you to feel I am being hostile to you, because I am not, or that my possible silence on this issue is some kind of passive / aggressive thing. This is just a good point for me to let it go and allow everyone who wants to do so a chance to absorb and think about their own experiences without clouding the issue. Thanks again for sharing and being an eloquent spokeperson for your heartfelt views.

I'm sure I'll see you on other threads.
 

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You CAN choose to turn it on or off. Also, I wasn't sexually attracted to women in high school. So there was no aspect of my sexuality for me to act on that would have involved women.

Once I got to college, i actively chose to explore it even though I had no real deep sexual desire to. I forced myself into jerking off to a couple of photos of women...THAT'S when I found a sexual desire beginning to develop for the first time...very slowly.

It was pretty cool to find myself wanting something based on nothing else than the fact that I forced myself into it. It made me realize that an active choice can be just as valid as a natural tendency.
I don't understand how you can "force" yourself to jerk off photos of women. I can only speak for myself. But I am totally gay. Looking at female breasts or vaginas does nothing for me. If I have a picture of a nude female in front of me I remain soft. As far as men goes I am not about penis size. I am about looks. You could have the biggest dick around, but if I don't find you attractive I couldn't get hard if you stood on your head! But if I do find you attractive, I want that dick badly, have since before I even touched another penis. My first sexual experience I'm embarrassed to say was in a public men's room, and I initiated it. So yes, I am attracted to both male good looks and male genitals. From my own experience, I can't understand how someone who can get hard and have sex with a woman can consider themselves gay and not bisexual. I would have given anything in my youth to be able to have a family and children. Life would have been so much easier. But there is no way on the face of this earth that I can get erect with a woman, drunk or sober. Life is different for all of us.