You must realize that this is how they were raised by their parents. They do the best that they know how.
Yes, I do realize that. I know or knew both pairs of grandparents and could see where it came from. My father could be scary. He once broke down my bedroom door in a rage so he could get at me. I don't remember much after that except that my mother just stood there and cried while he hit me. I was less than 10 years old. I even remember when I was in my crib once and I was making noise at night he came in and started shaking me violently to get me to shut-up as I was just babbling for no reason. This isn't an implanted memory either because I remembered the layout of the room down to the wallpaper and confirmed it with my mother. We moved from that house when I was 4. Hell, I even remember the apartment we were in when I was less than 2. Confirmed that place as well.
My father has mellowed a bit over the years and realizes what an asshole he was. He rarely lived with us because my parents were separated for most of their marriage. He still has an explosive temper, still threatens me physically though now I stare him down and know I can physically overpower him. He does, however, still have guns and that worries me sometimes. He is still very difficult to be with due to the depression and martyr complex he's developed.
My mom's easier to take but if you don't behave or do what she wants you to do, then she nags and nags and nags and nags ad nauseum. She doesn't trust men, feels she has to control them to be safe. Her views on sex were once expressed to me as, "men take and women give."
. Her mother was much the same way though I always felt she loved my grandfather dearly. He liked that she ran everything and she liked that he let her. It worked in that relationship. My great. grandmother was even worse so I guess the gene has mellowed a bit over the generations. My mother's assets were that she's very smart, and was very beautiful. If you've seen pictures of Joan Fontaine when she was young then that's very close to what my mother looked like. Naturally blonde, tall, blue eyes, well-educated, and well-dressed. Despite that, she never had much self-confidence with men. She's happily married now to her high-school sweetheart who is also a cousin by marriage on her side (I have an enormous family that actually keeps in contact with each other) so I knew him growing-up. She's much happier now and I'm happy for her.