I watched a documentary the other night on the life of Kenneth Williams. You may remember him as the "Oh, Matron!" character from the Carry On movies. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_Williams http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_Williams:_Fantabulosa%21 In short, he was never able to accept or be accepted for his homosexuality, for a number of reason and therefore became imprisoned by it, remaining in solitude, asexuality and celibate all his life and final committing suicide, dying of a lonely heart. He was desperate to know love, be loved, but never was. His diaries describe his intimate encounters as brief and unconsummated, always. The show really hurt to watch, parts felt so close to the bone I was on the verge of tears. Being afraid of your own sexuality, knowing deep down your normal but also deeply ashamed as everything in life has told you you're not. The social, religious and personal implications of being gay, of praying that you might one day know what love is, this word that so many people flitter about with the same regard as a plastic carrier bag, yet I have never encountered in my life and am bemused by the ease with which some many others have. It made me sad because I'm 30 this year, still a virgin, still deeply in the closet and have never known the intimacy or affections of an adult relationship. I've never been brought a birthday or Christmas gift by a partner, been kissed or told, "I love you." It made me sad because I've lived my whole life not knowing any different, it made me sad because for the first time i realised, there is a possibility that I too could live my life, my whole life alone and finally drop dead somewhere, some when with a lonely untouched heart and nothing I do will change that. It's made me really want to do something about it all, but has also made me realise that actually, I don't have a clue how and I don't know what to do about it. How many men have lived a life like Kenneth’s? Is it actually a load of bollocks that lonely people cling to, to think there is someone for everyone? Am I alone?