Died from a lonely heart?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Rugbypup, Apr 17, 2008.

  1. Rugbypup

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    I watched a documentary the other night on the life of Kenneth Williams. You may remember him as the "Oh, Matron!" character from the Carry On movies.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_Williams

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_Williams:_Fantabulosa%21

    In short, he was never able to accept or be accepted for his homosexuality, for a number of reason and therefore became imprisoned by it, remaining in solitude, asexuality and celibate all his life and final committing suicide, dying of a lonely heart.

    He was desperate to know love, be loved, but never was. His diaries describe his intimate encounters as brief and unconsummated, always.

    The show really hurt to watch, parts felt so close to the bone I was on the verge of tears. Being afraid of your own sexuality, knowing deep down your normal but also deeply ashamed as everything in life has told you you're not.

    The social, religious and personal implications of being gay, of praying that you might one day know what love is, this word that so many people flitter about with the same regard as a plastic carrier bag, yet I have never encountered in my life and am bemused by the ease with which some many others have.

    It made me sad because I'm 30 this year, still a virgin, still deeply in the closet and have never known the intimacy or affections of an adult relationship. I've never been brought a birthday or Christmas gift by a partner, been kissed or told, "I love you."

    It made me sad because I've lived my whole life not knowing any different, it made me sad because for the first time i realised, there is a possibility that I too could live my life, my whole life alone and finally drop dead somewhere, some when with a lonely untouched heart and nothing I do will change that.

    It's made me really want to do something about it all, but has also made me realise that actually, I don't have a clue how and I don't know what to do about it.

    How many men have lived a life like Kenneth’s?

    Is it actually a load of bollocks that lonely people cling to, to think there is someone for everyone?

    Am I alone?
     
  2. Ms.Teacher

    Ms.Teacher New Member

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    It's so sad about that man, and what you wrote about yourself is heartbreaking; you brought me to tears.

    I don't know you, so I'm unsure what your fear is of coming out?
    Are you close to your family or distant?
    If you're close to them, do you think they'll reject you if you told them?
    Do you think maybe they know you are gay, but don't want to bring it up?

    Sorry for all the questions, and don't by any means feel obligated to answer--I'm just trying to understand.

    When I clicked your link it said you were looking for a man or a couple. I'm confused by that. Also, I was unsure if that is a hookup site. If so, maybe that's not the kind of site you want to be on. It sounds like you're looking for a ltr.

    These days most people are cool with others being gay, and unlike what that man went through. My brother is gay and I was the first person he told as we are close in age. We decided to tell our parents together, and they weren't that surprised, they were a little upset, and yes, they did get over it. They are fine with it now, and they love their son and his partner.
     
  3. Rugbypup

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    I didn't mean to upset anyone, my appologies.

    Coming out isn't something that can happen for some folks, for all sorts of reasons. For me, my family would be so hurt and ashamed by it, I just couldn't do it to them. They wouldn't understand and would treat me, if at all, like I was broken.

    I am on a few dating sites but they've never really come to anything. Sadly there are a lots of arseholes on them as well, lol. There OK for one night shags, which isn't me, so I'm kinda a minority user by vertue of actually wanting to meet a descent person. I think it's a gay thing, lol.

    A guy would be nice but as for a couple, well, I have the silly idea if a straight guy could take me under his wing and teach me the things he seems to know by instinct, I might have an ordinary chance of a life. Perhaps a silly thought for a gay guy to have.

    Thanks for your post though, it kind of you and to biggestone for the message.
     
  4. Ms.Teacher

    Ms.Teacher New Member

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    Are you 100% absolutely sure of that? That's so sad, Rugbypup. Do you have any sibling?

    See if you can find a site that's not for one nighters, since you say that's not for you. I'm sure there are many other guys just like you looking for their other half. If you were out your opportunities for meeting someone would be greater. Once people know you're out, they're sure to know others who are out. You could be introduced to a co-worker's brother or friend who is also gay.

    I see. I thought you wanted to live as some kind of trio, 3 in a bed! LOL
     
  5. AlteredEgo

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    Rugbypup, you're so sweet, gentle, and loving here among strangers that I cannot imagine you alone forever.

    The only advice I can offer is that sometimes when we protect ourselves from everything scary or bad, we also protect ourselves from anything good. It's important to find the balance.
     
  6. scruffylookin

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    I usually dont get into this kind of discussion but all in all, we have a choice to either take the risk, knowing that it may hurt and not work out or stay cloistered and safe but alone. I choose to reach for the brass ring and take the risk cause maybe just maybe it would be worth all the work. Really dont let social or religous stigma interfere. There will be alot of people that dont fit or match. Just do things that you like to do and keep looking. Meet people in things that interest you, gym, art, music, what ever the venue. The key I think is to be out there and maybe you will catch some one else interest. And if the chemistry is mutual all the better.

    And yeah social stigma and family is a big deal. But the key is being your self, comfortable being you whether out or alone. Once you feel you know who you are you wont feel there s any wierd vibe.

    Basically, I believe that one should enjoy life passionately and take the risk and chance of the opportunities in front of you. That's why I am into taking the risk, meeting new people and exploring new things or even coming out.. Life is too short for regrets and is too incredible of an experience in itself not to have mutual, honest communication and trust. I hope that you may you be provided the opportunity to experience finding someone you are truly connected physically, spiritually and with all your being. Finding that bond is as rare as winning the lottery. The strength from that experience gave me a whole new perspective even when bad whether a relationship or foinf aaginandt the flow of things . Just respect what you have in each other in family friends, etc.

    Sometimes its ones sided, sometimes its close but not completely mutual. Still its better to try. And yeah even heart broken , being reflective as I am here, its worth taking the risk and when ready I'll try again.

    OK I know easier said then done and yeah it sounds like a lot of poniificating on here. But its my two cents for the night, and for once thinking with the head on my shoulders, not the one between my legs LOL.
     
  7. pavement

    pavement New Member

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    Well maybe you shoul ask why you would think/view things as yo do and instead of believing anything inquire why you would think you should

    Ask most about most why a few times and note the responses.
     
  8. D_Gunther Snotpole

    D_Gunther Snotpole Account Disabled

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    Only if you don't do what you need to do to change it.
    I don't know much about you ... only that you seem very appealing on this board.
    You're still really young.
    And you can't circumscribe your whole life from fear of how your family might react if you started really being you.
    Maybe you're wrong about the reaction they'll have anyway.
    I don't mean to sound insensitive, but I wonder if there's any chance you could speak to a counsellor about all your thoughts, fears and considerations. It has helped me at several points of my life.
    You don't want to walk all the way through life with "a lonely untouched heart."
    Life is a miracle, rugypup ... but you have to squeeze the juice out.
     
  9. Smooth88

    Smooth88 New Member

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    *hugs Rugbypup*

    I'm ten years younger than you but I have some of the same problems and fears you do. I'm introverted so it gets hard. If there are any gay clubs or bars around you should try mingling there. You have to be comfortable with yourself and who you are and be confident. I feel bad and I wish I had some nice older gay friends for you. But I dont. Maybe you should consider trying a trip where there is a higher population of people like you. It may help.
     
  10. Hippie Hollow Girl

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    Rugbypup,

    I hate it that you are sad. You seem like such a good person.

    It probably is a good idea to put yourself out there in places where you could meet a potential significant other for a long term relationship. Like a gay cruise etc.....

    By the way, did you check out Scruffylookin's photos......I think you need to find out if he is unattached.
     
  11. bigbull29

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    It is indeed possible to die from a lonely heart. You don't have to to, Rugbypup, and I know you won't.:smile:

    I believe that many people -- single or not -- feel a profound sense of loneliness. You need to first realize that you are not alone in feeling alone. Find others who will open up to you about their loneliness. In doing so, there is great healing in store for you.

    You, Rugbypupy, are alive! Do you know what that really means? Don't live life and fail to see what is most obvious and deprive yourself of what belong to everybody: a right to happiness. Just find your pulse and listen to heart beat to know what a miracle it is to be alive.

    Never be scared to face your demons as there's a gorgeous light at the end of your dark tunnel.

    I offer you my loving compassion.:wink:
     
  12. B_Nick4444

    B_Nick4444 New Member

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    dude, it sounds from this and your other posts that you're hiding your true self from the people around you ...

    if you don't show yourself to others, they will never approach you

    if you can't (for whatever reason) show yourself to the people around you, find another set of people you can show yourself to ...
     
  13. Rugbypup

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    I wish there was something as beautiful as all you posts that i might reply, but I'm afraid I simply am unable to really define or express myself, at least for the here and now.

    I'm only a pup and bit simple in the head at times, lol.

    I do feel a bit like I have two sides to me. One is the everyday, that's getting on with 'life', the other is the closeted me who would dearly love to met a guy and have a 'life'. I just can't find a way to be both as one person and yeah, of late I am finding it hard to handle, it's despressing me.

    I do try to be hopful that I could met someone but then i worry that as i have so litttle experience, who would want me, I don't know how to have a relationship, I would be completly dependent on whom ever i met and name a guy that wants that?

    The longer you sit on the shelf, the longer you are the last pup in the shop window, the more it seems, that's your lot in life, that's where you'll remain. An example to others while not understanding what your crime was to deserve it.

    It is not something my family would, could or want to understand. I know them and they are all actually quite emotionaly harsh people. I'm not saying I was unloved by them, I love my family but they're just not the sort of people that would know how to understand, even if they wanted too. It would be far more trouble than it's worth.

    Plus I've just moved to another country, I don't really know anyone or have any close friends to confide in, not that I had many in the UK, past those that wanted me to fix their bloddy PCs, lol.

    I do hope i'll met someone one day, the question is, how long is it before hope is all one really has any more. Is there a point that hope it's self becomes self delusion?

    I have reached the point now though, where I'm just living my life as is and not making any future plan that anticipates someone in my life.

    Sigh. Who knows what tomorrow holds though, ah.
     
  14. alex8.5

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    You did not upset anyone by posting your emotions so honestly and trustingly to strangers. I was sadenned by your writings. I guess I just think if your family loves you, they will love you no matter what you say or how you choose to live your life. Always remember it is YOUR life to live. Not your family. The fact that you wish not to hurt them says a lot about the kind of man you have become. For this alone I LOVE your personality and family devotion.

    Please, consider some counselling of some kind, do not live your life hidden in the closet. Be true to yourself. I sincerely hope you find the love of your life. I wish you only the best.

    I will be bold here and say, here at LPSG we all care about you.

    Alex
     
  15. Rugbypup

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    Testament to the word Support in the title of this site, kind, honest and I thank you for posting.

    A few people have said about a counsellor, but i find that idea kinda frightening. I was brought up, that people who seek counselling are nutters or too weak to cope with the reality of their lives.

    I know that's not true, but it make seeing one very difficult, plus, I feel the only people qualified to counsel are those that have lived through the same troubles you're having, not some bloke with a couch that you pay to listen to you.

    That's why I'm finding it very cathartic, liberating, to saying all this, anonymously to strangers, and what fine strangers you all are.

    Anything that can chase my gloomy clouds away is as much here as in a counsellors office, you people have lived real lives and real problems.

    Your opinions matter to me because you are, honest strangers.
     
  16. Hippie Hollow Girl

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    Rugbypup,

    Getting some professional counseling in addition to being here can't hurt.

    I have a relative that I am very close to..... a double cousin......and he lived one house down from me through out my childhood. He struggled with his orientation for 35 years......all by his self.....Didn't share it with anyone. Because of his religious beliefs he was in denial. But he was very self abusive. He was litterally trying to kill his self by over indulging in alcohol and drugs. Then when he got into nursing school....I guess he was having problems and he shared his feelings with instructors and he got professional counseling.....he was able to come to terms with his self.

    He only shared with me about being gay about 4 years ago. I think he feels comfortable telling me because it was about the same time....some kind of drama about being me being a "nudist" was brought to light in our family. So he and I are both kind of the big drama of the family. He probably was the one that let the cat out of the bag..... I know he has told me that he thinks he and I are on level footing. We are both living in sin according to our families. He is probably right.....But he thinks being a nudist is a worse sin than being gay.

    Anyways, I don't think our family is very proud......but they don't give me any flack. My life isn't any one's business. And if I hear them mistreating my guy cousin in any way......I give them flack. And they don't want to go there.

    So, no my cousin's family really doesn't accept his lifestyle.......but they do still love him......and they are accepting of his life partner.


    My cousin seems really happy. Happier than I have ever seen him. He has a lot of gay friends. Not sure what all support groups he is a member of. He has just surrounded his self with people that love and care about him.

    I am happy for him.


    I am telling you this because I think the professional counseling really helped him. I don't think things would have worked out so well if he hadn't had the professional counseling.
     
  17. dreamer20

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    Williams may not have known sex but he had the company of a number friends in his lifetime. He had an amiable personality and could have chosen a communal living arrangement, yet chose to live alone as a sexually repressed recluse. He would have easily been accepted as a gay man in 1980's Britain. If he was desperate for love he would have sought out and gotten love. Clearly he chose a solitary life of self loathing and to end his life tragically instead.
     
  18. HazelGod

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    This guy comes immediately to mind.
     
  19. B_Nick4444

    B_Nick4444 New Member

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    reminds me of a biography I read as a child of Eckhart, student and friend of Goethe ... how he died thinking he had been all alone in the world, friendless, though it wasn't so
     
  20. D_Gunther Snotpole

    D_Gunther Snotpole Account Disabled

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    Mais HG, les madeleines vous feront impuissant.
     
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