Rugbypup,
Time for a bit of tough love.
I love ya. I really do. Your posts here are articulate, intelligent, and show a deep, loving soul that not only deserves happiness, but will give much happiness to others. "Will"? If you look, you will find those to whom you
have already given much happiness. They're there, I assure you.
That was the love part. Here's the tough part.
Kenneth Williams didn't die of loneliness. He died of
shame.
There's no reason you need to do the same. But it will take courage on your part. That's tough, but you have to do it.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. Being gay is nothing to be ashamed of. More important, wanting to be happy is nothing to be ashamed of. "Emotionally harsh" parents can convince you that just showing up on the planet and needing to be taken care of should make you feel guilty. Being happy is not a luxury, or worse, some kind of vanity. It's a necessity.
If your parents cut you off penniless, then good. It's worth it, whatever the sums involved.
If they cut off contact, that's also good. I was raised by "emotionally harsh" people, too. When I tasted real love--even a small taste--I realised that the "love" they withheld was worth very, very little.
Let me let you in on a secret. Your parents don't like you very much. In truth, they don't like anyone very much. It's nothing personal--so don't labour under the impression that there's anything you can do about it, or worse, assume that their disapproval is your fault. NOTHING you do will gain their approval, or love, or whatever you want to call it. My advice is to get out of their line of fire. You've already done that physically; now do it emotionally.
Easier said than done, as you've discovered.
You know what? You've got to learn a few lessons in life that you've missed out on. Like how to love, and be loved. You should have learned that at your mother's breast; obviously you didn't, and now you need to learn it as an adult. And like any other instinct, it's harder to learn as an adult. But not impossible.
Learning to love is a virtuous circle. You learn to love others by being loved yourself.
At first you'll be clumsy at love. You'll be emotionally needy. You'll misread cues. You'll attract other fucked-up people like yourself--now, that's not always a bad thing, but be careful that you don't simply trap yourself in the cycle of lovelessness that your family of origin trapped you in. Do not hesitate to break that circle when you find yourself in one.
You will do things that make you feel ashamed, or at least embarrassed. But this time, it's shame in a worthy cause. Embarrassment that you can learn from. Own up to your shame, admit your emotional mistakes and misjudgments, and move on.
That's the hard work of learning to love as an adult. If you make these emotional mistakes as a child or teen, the world forgives you. The adult world regards the same behaviour as flaky or neurotic. Alas, you'll just need to swallow your pride, and barrel on through. Emotional instincts are hard to change, but it is possible. And necessary.
In many ways, it's easier to learn these lessons as a gay man. Our intimacy is more fluid, and many of us have been in the same situation with families and loved ones.
IMHO, both Nick and Rubi are right. To Nick's point, unless you get out there, snog a few likely lads at the local gay pub, engage in a bit of slap and tickle (safely, of course) and get your heart broken, you'll never make progress. It will seem discouraging at first, but little by little, you'll feel more at ease with intimacy. Eventually, you'll find love, even if it's just in a small way at first.
On the other hand, the "emotional harshness" you suffered in your family has another name. It's called emotional
abuse. No, I'm not exaggerating. Your troubled state of mind didn't descend on you from thin air; in my experience and observation, it stems from serious shit in your family of origin.
As Rubi said, that tends to need a trained counsellor or therapist. Here's a suggestion: go to your GP, let him or her know that you're wrestling with issues of sexuality, and ask for a referral. If you'd like to do it with a gay GP, then call
here for the name of a gay-friendly doc.
While you have them on the line, you might like to ask them about peer support groups for those coming out. I did a couple of these in Melbourne when, like you, I came out in my thirties. I found them invaluable.
You asked a question, pup. How long can you live with shame and loneliness until the pain of it kills you? I have quite a precise answer to this question.
Age fifty seems to be a crunch time for men. That's when you have to face the fact that you are what you are, and your life is what you
have made it, not what you
will make it.
That's a tough spot to be in the closet, No wonder male suicides soar in the fifties age group. How old was Kenneth Williams when he suicided?
Rugbypup, I'm sorry of some of these words sound harsh--probably, the last thing you need is more "emotional harshness", from a complete stranger, no less.
You asked an oblique question about suicide. This thread isn't an idle question about a Carry-On star. It's about you, that much is obvious. Your life has reached a stage where you've let the genii out of the bottle, and he's not going back. That's scary. You need courage--like love, courage begets itself; show a little courage, and the next courageous act becomes easier.
Now, go out and fix the situation. No excuses about how much your parents will be disappointed. No excuses about how you'll be clumsy at love.
Go out and make mistakes. Fail at love. Fail again. And again. Then get your heart broken. Then find, to your surprise, that someone thinks you're OK. Fuck up. Ask forgiveness. Forgive other men you love for their own foibles and weaknesses. And maybe, just maybe, find Mr Right. You've earned him.
