Dilemma: Trust/Lust towards friend

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by rangisrovus19, Aug 28, 2009.

  1. rangisrovus19

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    Hey all,

    I've seen a lot of posts on here regarding the homosexual tendencies incorporated within a friendship of straight males. As in, when a straight male has homoerotic feelings and/or fantasies towards his straight male friend.

    What about a gay guy developing feelings toward his straight friend?

    Being a homosexual, I've done a modest amount of fooling around with straight (or should it be "straight"?) guys in my past. I enjoyed it, but for them, I cannot truly say, but at the end of the day it all comes down to a learning experience.

    But what happens when the natural strong trust towards a friend has been intertwined with lust? Or rather, has always been there?

    From my personal gay standpoint, not only is this friend absolutely beautiful on the outside (in everyone's eyes! you know the type), but devastatingly more importantly, on the inside as well. You rarely come across people with that sort of balance. (especially living in a college town!)

    It would seem as though in order to progress into a more "physical connection", trust would have to be the ultimate ruling factor.

    The dilemma is when lust strolls in. Although it is invited and welcomed in MY mind, obviously I fear for what the other person would think (even though I'm sure he is somewhat aware of it, and evidently it has not caused any negative consequences).

    So my question is, IF a straight guy trusted a gay friend, giving the right timing/environment/energy/etc., what would a "physical connection", induced from the morality of trust, be considered? A homosexual act spawning from curiosity? Or... something deeper?

    thoughts?
     
  2. B_Nick4444

    B_Nick4444 New Member

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    depends

    acting on that lust changes the relationship, if I have feelings for the guy as a friend, and I want to maintain that friendship, I would never do that

     
  3. killerb

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    it totally depends on both people...
    sometimes it's a can of worms...
    sometimes it can be a positive experience...

    personally i would advise against turning a perfectly good friendship into a sexual thing...ESPECIALLY if deeper feelings are involved and both ppl don't share those feelings...it's a recipe for disaster...
     
  4. helgaleena

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    Only someone who isnot 100% straight will allow you to let it get sexual. Then it's just like betweeen man and woman-- the two must decide for themselves if it's a relationship or a FWB or a big mistake or whatever.

    I say, do not pretend to be other than you are with another man. Let it be up to them how they respond, and accept that response as a flattery of your own sexyness or not as the result may be.
     
  5. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

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    I just noticed this thread. I think it's ultimately about love. If the two people (whatever their sexual/emotional orientation) love each other, then anything can happen. I don't think straight or gay have any place in the discussion. If a person wants to hook up with some one else, then that's another story. There has to be some negotiation. But when people love each other in a deep way, then they will find the appropriate expression for that love. :smile:
     
  6. southernstud

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    Being straight, I cannot fully relate to what you are looking at, but I can say some things about love. We cannot fully pick with whom we fall in love. Sometimes, it can be a complement to your friend, if he doesn't overreact and flip out. He may let you down easily, but before you test the waters, try to figure out what he does to make you feel the way you do.

    As far as the hope of a deeper "physical" connection, that may never happen. However, I think something else that needs to be addressed is the trust to lust connection. I think it's a fine line walked with friends, and when you have a friend that can be extremely trusted and you get very close to that person as you open up, and occasionally, the trust can mistakenly be interpreted as an attraction.

    It seems increasingly common that in today's society that closeness between people in an intimate way is lacking. People lose trust in their friends, lovers, and family, which leads to a general lack of the feeling of companionship and closeness to other people. Just do not take those feelings of friendship and turn them into something more, or something that could ruin what is there. If you and your friend share a mutual deep-trust, then any attraction he may have, he should feel comfortable enough to share. Just as you should not press the issue, but you could share your interest, and have enough faith in the trust between the two of you that nothing major will come of it, and it will be acknowledged, accepted, and then you all will move on from it.
     
  7. sexplease

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    I'm leaning to thinking - probably not. But if something physical happened (and if all the stars aligned just right) it may not last but one or a few encounters.
    as the old saying goes: a leopard cannot change it's spots.
     
  8. exwhyzee

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    Or, is it something shallower, like convenience or capitulation?

    All through high school and college, I was head-over-heels in love with my best friend. I trusted him entirely, and he trusted me. However, I understood (presumed) the sexual feelings I had for him were not reciprocal. He made it known that he loved women (with only a few hints about curiousity) and he never really made any sexual advances towards me (with a few extraordinarily subtle hints that were probably wishful thinking on my part).

    So, I left him alone and never pushed the subject. I felt that to do so would be self-centered, and could end a friendship that I valued greatly. I thought it would be, in the end, untrustworthy for me to advance my own agenda without his buy-in. It was a matter of mutual respect and trust between us.

    To your original post, maybe such an act would result in the awakening of feelings that the straight guy never had before, or never dealt with before, or avoided before. I'm not sure that would be classified as "turning him homosexual"...but I avoid gay/bi/straight labels like the plague anyway. However, without mutual interest from both parties, you threaten to violate the morality of trust that you talk about. I think it's dangerous to hope that such an act could spawn something deeper - that expectation could result in hurt feelings on both sides.
     
  9. coachreffn

    coachreffn Active Member

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    Damn, exwhyzee, what a great answer. Your friend was very lucky to have you and I can see why this friendship lasted over the years - because you mutually thought what was best for the friendship. Hope you have maintained that relationship. It is certainly a worthy one...and you are an honorable man.
     
  10. D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov

    D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov Account Disabled

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    From my point-of-view, lust rules over trust, even if lust is short-termed. It is more intense. In other words, I don't think you can be a really trustworthy friend to someone if you lust after them. If you don't want to open up with him, then it would be better for you to back away. If you want to take risks, you would find a way of declaring your love or whatever for him. I know, I know, it won't be easy, and you may not only scare him away, but also feel absolutely embarrassed if his reaction is totally negative.

    But what do you have to lose? His friendship? But in the presence of your lust, your friendship is almost negligible. What do I know?

    Speak up (whether you have expectations or not) or move on.

    If you speak up, there is only one concern: he might spread the news. I don't know if you have already come out in your community or environment. If not, it is important that your secret be kept, and you should make this point very clear to him.
     
  11. exwhyzee

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    He eventually got married and named his first boy after me. Now that his kids are growing up, he's totally focused on that. I haven't seen him in five years.

    Thanks for the comps. In spite of what happened, I wouldn't do anything differently.
     
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