Discovered turn on, masked with deceit.

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by wulf31, Feb 1, 2012.

  1. wulf31

    wulf31 New Member

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    i have a question. i am new to the site, so bear with me if i flub anything. how would you feel if you discovered your significant other was doing something behind your back that also happened to be a turn on? i have a historical basis for this question, i just want to know how others would react to this situation.
     
  2. B_Hornaplenty

    B_Hornaplenty New Member

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    Are we to presume your significant other did something behind your back that was a turn-on, and you want to find out if your attitude about it is justified?

    "Doing something behind your back that happened to be a turn on" like licking the back of your neck, or fondling your ass, or stroking your ass crack...or do you mean cheating with someone? And how is your "historical basis" relevant? I think you need to disclose more information to get a cogent answer.
     
  3. bobg4400

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    This wouldn't happen to be something like cuckolding would it?
    I have no experience with anything like that myself but you don't have to worry about people judging you or anything,here.
    Just ask.
    The more information you give the better people can help with your problem.
     
  4. rtg

    rtg
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    Yes, please elaborate...
     
  5. helgaleena

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    I have experience of this. It hurt my feelings quite a bit that I was never asked to be included in something I would have enjoyed very much. It meant they really didn't want sex with me anymore AT ALL. Beginning of the end.
     
  6. wulf31

    wulf31 New Member

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    good points on the being more elaborate. my wife has admitted to being unfaithful on three separate occasions. we have been married for 6 years. it's been rough but we get by. the first time was with a friend, we invited him to stay with us as his home situation was quite bad. our marriage was in shambles at that point and we separated, he stayed there. i found out after we got back together that they had been having sex since before we separated. i had that gut feeling the whole time but neither of them would admit to it, she finally did though. i wasn't upset because, as i said, my gut had already told me it happened. she still lies about his size though, and i've seen his endowment. she probably lied to make me feel better but still ... the second time is a bit more ... complicated. i invited a friend into the relationship, as a means of providing my wife with a partner who could do things i can't, and as a means of improving our own communication and relationship. it worked in some ways, but it ended when he wished to reunite with his gf. that was early 2011, in october he helped her mother move our belongings to our new home, i had to remain behind due to legal obligations not yet finished. while he was there they had sex a few times. i asked her if they had and she lied, there went my gut again. a few days later she came clean about it. now this one hurt because i knew they had developed a relationship during the course of him stayi8ng with us and actually being "the other guy" i gave them permission to do as they pleased as long as they were both honest about it. they were not. a couple of weeks later, but still before i moved here to be with them finally, she met and had sex with a guy on our anniversary. the turn on for me in all of this is that all three of them are bigger than me. i am 6.5 x 6, and all three are longer and just a bit more girthy. i honestly got off on her detailing what she did with them when she finally talked about it. my question is how would you react to that? knowing that the one you truly love has been unfaithful to you more than once, but finding yourself turned on by her exploits. i also have reason to believe she wasa member of this very site a few years ago, but can't find any solid proof. that's kind of a turn on as well, her being on a site populated by such well endowed men. i just wish she would be more honest about it if she has strayed more than what i know about, ya know?
     
  7. Sklar

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    Regardless of it being turn on, it was a betrayal of trust.

    If it was me, I'd end the relationship, heal and move on.

    Sklar
     
  8. Infernal

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    You have a serious communication problem, and a big lack or trust and honesty, not only with each other, but with yourself. You need to be honest with yourself about how you feel and what you want. When you figure that out, then you need to talk to your wife. Find out what she wants and if she's being honest with herself about it. If you can't be honest with yourself, you won't ever be honest with someone else. If you find you can both agree to have open and honest communication with each other, you might be able to work through this. Maybe you can come to an agreement, or maybe you need to move on.
     
  9. helgaleena

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    You are turned on by hearing her stories. But what is turning you on is not how she came by those stories, which was her dishonesty. Either you keep the marriage and insist that she have this sex in front of you, or you accept that she is just using you as a convenient way to have food and shelter, and you are just her servant.

    A third possibility is that she is a very good liar and making up sexual encounters with other men to arouse you. In that case, tell her to do it about celebrities instead of men you actually have to deal with in your everyday life.
     
  10. wulf31

    wulf31 New Member

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    thank you for all the feedback so far. she's not using me as shelter. everything's in her name. i work fulltime, but her jobn pays more. i am not blameless in our relationship. there have been times i would have understood why she would stray if she had. wouldn't make it right but i would have understood her reasons.we have begun to communicate a lot recently. the things i feel she's still hiding are the trivial aspects of her trysts. not so much bothersome as ... piquing my curiosity to an annoying level. i don't think she would ever agree to having sex with other men in front of me, or even filming it. she's told me before the idea of something wrong and forbidden is kinda a turn on for her. our marriage is very much on the mendi guess i just don't know ow else to go about expressing my thoughts on these issues, she doesn't like talking about it really. not often anyway.
     
  11. helgaleena

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    Not talking is a bad sign, usually. It's up to you how much dishonesty you are willing to endure. And it would behoove you to get 50% of things in your own name, just in case more of her life gets dishonest.
     
  12. Uncutpete

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    So here's your problem, you have the feeling that 1) you don't like the dishonesty and sneaking; 2) you'd really like to hear about, and even to watch her sex adventures, especially with bigger guys. However, the secrecy and and "wrongness" seem to be what really turn her on.

    Because of some people's psychological makeup, the very fact of being secret is an aphrodisiac. This creates a real problem because honesty and communication are the keys to making all kinds of non-monogamy work. If you want to begin to make this easier on you and perhaps prolong your marriage, you have to find a way to talk to her about this. She may continue to want to live a double life, but you are probably going to need to find a way to compromise so that you are not constantly left with doubt in your "gut."
     
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