Divorce vs. Long-Term Separation

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Principessa, Aug 7, 2009.

  1. Principessa

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    Divorce vs. Long-Term Separation

    I recently learned that a cousin by marriage has relatives who never divorced. :eek: They just have lived separate lives for about 30 years now. Both husband and wife have gone on to have a second family with new people and everyone is fine with this.

    Obviously this is none of my business; but I am puzzled as to why one would want to remain married to someone you clearly no longer love. What happens with health insurance and wills? Technically your legal spouse is entitled to that. Then again in some states after 7 years you are considered to have a common law marriage. Does this make the people involved bigamists?

    I'm sure some of you have been in, or are currently involved in a situation like this and I am really curious as to why. :confused: What do you gain by staying married to one person while living a completely separate life with another?
     
  2. Lex

    Lex
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    Have you ever considered things like: tax relief, employer benefits, etc.?

    There are many women with whom I work who have been separated from their husbands, have no plans to reconcile, and who are currently dating other men.

    It's not strange and unusual at all when you look at a lot of the inherent benefits.
     
  3. B_Nick4444

    B_Nick4444 New Member

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    :dunno:
     
  4. Principessa

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    Yes, I have. I alluded to that in my original post when I mentioned health insurance and wills. I guess I feel like the 2nd family has no legitimacy or credibility, which to me is unfair.

     
  5. DiscoBoy

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    Religious reasons?
     
  6. Principessa

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    I was waiting for someone to bring that up! :smile: Please tell me what religion favors adultery over divorce. :rolleyes:

    I have a cousin whom I thought had divorced in the early 70's. Turns out because her jackass husband was an allegedly devout Catholic they had been legally separated for a decade. When she went to get married a 2nd time she had to force him to get a divorce. :irked:


    FWIW: He isn't a jackass for being Catholic, he's a jackass for how poorly he treated my cousin when they were living together as man and wife.
     
  7. DiscoBoy

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    Religions that condone polygamy?:tongue:

    Perhaps they don't see it as adultery. If the other spouse is fully aware and completely approves of the extramarital activity (as is the case in open relationships), then is it really adultery?

    Also, separation is typically seen as an alternative to divorce, based on religious objections to divorce.
     
  8. Principessa

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    Forgot to mention I am the resident narrow-minded prude.:tongue::rolleyes: I was only thinking of Judeo-Christian religions. Thus polygamy is not allowed.

    Yes, it is still adultery! :rolleyes: It amazes me how some people try to twist things to meet their needs. :irked:


    Really? Cause where I come from a separation is a stepping stone to divorce. As a matter of fact some states require a period of legal separation and even marriage counseling prior to filing for divorce.


    Separation is not supposed to go on indefinetely. :no: Especially if either spouse wants to have intimate relationships with other people.
     
  9. Principessa

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    Let Me Clarify With an Example:

    Jack and Jill get married in 1980 and have 2 children.

    Jack and Jill have irreconcilable differences, maybe they just grew apart. :confused:
    Jack and Jill separate in 1985.
    Jack moves out of the house and buys a condo across town.
    Without consulting a lawyer, Jack & Jill agree he gets the kids alternating weekends and holidays.

    Jack starts dating Wendy, a woman he meets online.
    After a year or two she moves into his condo. They proceed to have 2 children together.

    What happens if Jack has a heart attack? Is Wendy considered to be family? Can she see him in the hospital? She's the mother of 2 of his 4 children, but legally she has no claim to him. If he dies, Jill gets his social security and most likely his life insurance because Jill is still legally his wife.

    It's possible he had a 2nd insurance policy naming Wendy as the benefactor, but who knows?

    To me it seems the 2nd family gets a very raw deal. :mad:
     
  10. DiscoBoy

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    Mormons are Christians, too.:wink:

    Is it a moral/ethical case you're trying to make or are you worried about the legality of it all? Legal issues aside, if neither spouse is negatively affected by extramarital affairs, what's the harm? Is consensual "adultery" really wrong?
    Some couples reconcile after a separation, and some couples just don't want to deal with the social stigma that comes attached with a divorce (in religious communities, that is).
    Differing views. They think it's okay, you don't. Live, and let live.
    If that's the point you're making, then I completely understand where you're coming from and totally agree.
     
  11. vince

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    Sounds like Jack and Jill had an amicable break up. May be they actually behaved like adults and did what they thought was best for the kids. Jill doesn't sound like a horrible person, so it's likely that she won't treat Wendy and the kids like dirt and that she will see to it that all of Jack's kids get a fair deal.
     
  12. Principessa

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    In a perfect world you are correct, that is what would happen. I guess I'm just jaded and don't think we live in a perfect world. :redface:
     
  13. vince

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    I know what you mean NJ. But remember we generally only hear the bad news. It sells papers. Many many break ups are amicable.

    I never married my 'wife'. We were a common-law couple. We split after 19 years, but we are still friends, I helped her buy a house, she keeps me on her medical and dental plans, we can still talk and joke and we still piss each other off sometimes. In fact she's mad at me right now! :rolleyes:

    It seems normal.
     
    #13 vince, Aug 8, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2009
  14. Lex

    Lex
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    My ex and I had an amicable break up and stayed married for a time while we dated other people. It can and does happen and fuck what any outsider thinks about your relationships. They are yours for a reason.
     
  15. hud01

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    I stayed married for an additional 3 years so my wife had insurance. I was going to wait until it was 10 years so she could get SS, but then she got a job with insurance and started getting bitchy.

    So divorced and no SS for you. She had less than a year to go.
     
  16. lickme69

    lickme69 New Member

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    I can not understand why anyone would do this. I hear about it for the benefits and such, but do people realize that you are also responsible for any bills and debts that person creates? If you are still legally their spouse you can be held responsible. To me if you are separated for a significant amunt of time and it looks like there is no way of reconciliation, then it is best for both parties to get divorced.
    I don't know about a lot of people, but I would not want to date a man who was still legally married just because they do not want to bother with getting divorced.
     
  17. nudeyorker

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    I would imagine, that Jack and Jill and Wendy have discussed all the issues and maybe they have an agreement.
    That is one of the nicest life stories I have heard in a long time. It sounds normal to me too!
     
  18. Principessa

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  19. hud01

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    This is absolutley incorrect. The only debt you are responsible for is joint debt. If you have a joint credit card or mortgage yes, but if your spouse buys a car on his or her own and then defaults, you are not liable.
     
  20. Lex

    Lex
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    This bears examining. Why do/should the choices of the other consenting adults ever bother you?

    You can not judge this situation unless you have been either in it or observed it up close. "Best" is relative and more importantly, best defined by the people examining the difficult choices they face.

    It's not always the man who does not want the divorce to be finalized.

    Thank you. Probably best to let married and/or divorced people clarify, right? :rolleyes:

    This monday morning relationship quarterbacking by single people is really just judgmental BS In disguise. It's tiresome.
     
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