Divorced dating

[roosevelt]

Rather than refer you all ot old threads, I'll explain here:

I got divorced earlier this year. The divorce was ugly, and the marriage leading to it was horrible. My ex-wife was completely frigid, and turned abbusive (I know it sounds wierd, but it's true) and so I got out after 2 years of agony.

In october, I met the most amazing girl in the world, she's 2 years younger than me, inteligent, well read, and well travelled. She and I have personalities that are very similar, and we can't get enough of each other. The only issues we have in our relationship don't have anything to do with our relationship, but rather past relationships.

Here's the snag:

My GF has a hard time dealing with the fact that I have an ex-wife. I can't really blame her I guess, but there's nothing I can do to change the fact that I do. She's worried about the fact that I've made a life commitment to someone else, and then in her eyes I've "broken" that commitment.

I guess what I looking for feedback about is this:

How can I make it clear to her that I only appreciate her more because of my past? That she's no less special to me now than she would be if I'd never been married?

She grew up with very idealistic views of what her wedding would be like, and what it would be like to say the vows and start a life with someone, and she's having a hard time with the concept that I had a life with someone else first.

The fact that the life I had before was terrible isn't actually that important in this equation, it's really just that it happened.

Can I ask her to sacrifice those childhood dreams? Am I being a selfish bastard for continuing this relationship knowing that for it to progress to that point she would have to make, what would be to her, huge comprimises?

What justification can I have? Is love enough reason to ask someone for that kind of sacrifice? Do you think it's somehting she would regret down the road? looking back, and wondering if it was a comprimise she had to make?

No, I'm not getting ready to propose, but I am looking at this with the long view, and I'm trying to decide how to continue.

Anyone who's gone through any of this, I'd really appreciate your feedback or your experiences

Thanks!

 

[B_Hickboy]

There are three things that spring to mind: Time, patience, and consistency on your part. Loving someone is demanding and it takes courage. If she sees, over a period of weeks or months, that you are who and what you say you are, then she may come around. It's a risky proposition, though, because she may not ever see the light. If she's right for you, and you're right for her, it'll work out. But only time will tell, and you have to consistently be as loving as you can. Just be honest and true to yourself. If you are, you will know that the energy you've put into the relationship is helping you both to grow, or you'll see diminishing returns for what they are.

One thing she needs to understand is that a lot of shitty marriages that ended in acrimonious divorce started with fairy tale weddings. It's the person, not the ceremony. If making compromises over the wedding is a big hairy deal to her, that may be an alarm bell in and of itself.

Just be real and try to make yourself a better man, and good things will fall into place in ways you can't predict.

 

[LongTimeComing]

I agree with HickBoy that her seemingly rigid views about marriage could be a sign of trouble. I'd prefer to attribute it to youthful idealism. I think it is important for her as a person to realize that things in life are far from perfect: The world, human beings, the institution of marriage, society.... It doesn't mean she shouldn't strive for the best in everything, but she has to accept reality as well. If she doesn't accept reality herself, reality will impose itself on her on its own terms, and it might not be fun when it happens.

Would you two consider couples counseling? I think it might be a good thing for both of you. Good luck!

 

[Gisella]

Well, I kind of thought like her about not dating divorced men with kids etc because of the drama and family and etc...because I saw much unresolved issues between people in this situation and as a single woman than the ocean was full of single fishes I totally avoid the divorced ones at that time. Now things are different to me.

But I do agree with Hickboy and LTC.

But Rooselvet...I do not want to pry but do you still issues and unresolved things with your ex? Does your ex contacts you, still love you and etc? Sometimes because your gf have values she may think in the back of her head that there is possibilty of love going on at least in the part of your ex ?

Anyways I wish you and her the best and as you know marriage takes a lot of work compromissing and etc etc etc. Take your time.


:smile:

 

[roosevelt]

Thanks guys!

Yes, she's open to the possibility of letting go of all her issues, and we've actually talked about couples counselling.

I think she wants to make this work as much as I do, so I'm just gonna let her have all the time she needs, I'm just looking for advice as to what I can do to help her get over it more quickly I guess.

 

[IntoxicatingToxin]

If anything, I think SHE is the selfish one.... I can understand her upbringing and everything, but she needs to think about the other person in this relationship... not just herself. I could understand her concern if your marriage was great and you cheated which caused the divorce... but from the sounds of it, the problems were due to your ex wife, not you. I don't understand why it would bother her. I've always been raised to be a little wary of guys that have been divorced, but that doesn't mean they aren't worthy. Some relationships just don't work. But... if things work out between you two, you better be damn sure you want her for life before your propose... because if you two end up married and you want out, she might not grant you a divorce!!

 

[OmahaBeef]

In todays day and age I don't see marriage as anything greater than some ceremony to honor the fact that you love each other. Men get married to shut her up, and women get married because that tends to be thier life goal.

Roos... is her issue with the idea that she views you as "sloppy seconds" on a romantic level? Like it makes her feel like she came in second place?

Or do you have lingering issues, drama, etc with your ex-wife?

Do you have kids?

...OB

 

[roosevelt]

Roos... is her issue with the idea that she views you as "sloppy seconds" on a romantic level? Like it makes her feel like she came in second place?

Or do you have lingering issues, drama, etc with your ex-wife?

Do you have kids?

...OB

Good questions...
No kids, it would have been physically impossible

No Major Drama, though there has been some, as we're still fighting over the settlement, but now I just don't tell the GF what's happening.

And yes, the feeling she has, is that she's somehow "less significant" to me, because I did already have a life with someone.

I believe every woman really wants to have the place "the love of my life" from their partner, or at least every girl I've ever dated has wanted that. I've never had a "love of my life" but I did have a wife. And it's that feeling that she's somehow less special is her concern.

Reality is, I think she is that love of my life, but I don't know how to convince her of that. I'm not insincere, but she hasn't seen me through any of my past relationships, so she can't know that I really never have felt for anyone the way I do for her.

It's a Dilema, and for now I think I'm just gonna try to focus on the current state of the relationship, and not worry too much about the future. (Even though we both have the same thoughts as to where this might be leading.) And hope that with time, she'll recognize my heart towards her, and be able to feel like my only love.

 

[rope9839]

You are simply going to haave to give her time to see that you really are focused on her and that the old relationship is gone. Also unstated might be a concern that her relationship with you might not last, as well.

I might also suggest to you that you do one other personal thing. Do some thinking about why your last relationship didn't work and if there was anything during the erly stages that could have changed that outcome. Make sure you are learning from your mistakes and that, even worse, you aren't recreating them.

One final thing that might seem minor. If you are indeed talking about marriage, there is no reason that she needs to compromise on any of her "wedding" fantasy. She has been dreaming about this for some time. Indulge her. Cooperate. It will be one other way to show that you care about things that are important to her.

 

[OmahaBeef]

Good questions...
No kids, it would have been physically impossible

No Major Drama, though there has been some, as we're still fighting over the settlement, but now I just don't tell the GF what's happening.

And yes, the feeling she has, is that she's somehow "less significant" to me, because I did already have a life with someone.

I believe every woman really wants to have the place "the love of my life" from their partner, or at least every girl I've ever dated has wanted that. I've never had a "love of my life" but I did have a wife. And it's that feeling that she's somehow less special is her concern.

Reality is, I think she is that love of my life, but I don't know how to convince her of that. I'm not insincere, but she hasn't seen me through any of my past relationships, so she can't know that I really never have felt for anyone the way I do for her.

It's a Dilema, and for now I think I'm just gonna try to focus on the current state of the relationship, and not worry too much about the future. (Even though we both have the same thoughts as to where this might be leading.) And hope that with time, she'll recognize my heart towards her, and be able to feel like my only love.

Was the infertility yours or your ex-wife's?

As far as everything else goes, there are only 2 things you can do:

1)Stay the course, let her know constantly what she means to you. She will either absorb that or she will not. In this instance, all you can do is your best but the ball is in her court. She is insecure because women tend to see marriage as some ultimate act of love, like Van Gogh lopping his ear off or something. When in reality its a legal agreement that is usually taken by younger people under ill-advisement. Thats no slam, but mistakes are made by everyone. Just let her know that she is THE one if you truly believe it, and prove it anyway that you can.

2) It is wise for you to leave her out of the drama regarding your divorce. The only thing you can do is tie up loose ends with the divorce then part ways 100% with your ex. Separate the assets then never look back. I think it goes without saying that your ex will try to prolong the theatrics for you, its just how they operate. Just remember that any drama with the ex will be very abrasive and irritating to her emotionally, so protect your woman the best you can.

In summary...make her feel, and give her security in all areas of the relationship.

Good luck my friend!

...OB

 

[roosevelt]

Was the infertility yours or your ex-wife's?

Well, technically, niether, but the marriage was never consumated, due to her frigidity, and her fear of my penis (no it's not that big, she was just scared of it)

She admitted that she never had the intention of giving up, but she wanted me to know what her concerns where. She's feeling a lot better now, and we spent about 10 days traveling together, she seems pretty comfortable for now with wehre we're at.

Thanks for the advice guys! Especially to you OB!

 

[HazelGod]

Well, technically, niether, but the marriage was never consumated, due to her frigidity, and her fear of my penis (no it's not that big, she was just scared of it)

If this is the case, then why go through a messy divorce when this usually consitutes ground for an annulment?

It sounds like you're on a good track with your new love...keep your chin up! You've gotten some really sound advice from the folks here already.

 

[roosevelt]

If this is the case, then why go through a messy divorce when this usually consitutes ground for an annulment?

It sounds like you're on a good track with your new love...keep your chin up! You've gotten some really sound advice from the folks here already.

I wanted the annulment, but she decided she didn't want me to have it (and has fought it every step of the way)

At this point I'd rather it be done, and just be past all of this, and so I've given in, and said I'd take the divorce, as long as she'll just leave me the hell alone!