Hi. I’m a person that is trying to navigate gay spaces online and in person and it seems that everyone knows each other. You can see that in Instagram or Twitter and there is proof in the pudding because I see it when I randomly go to gay events in cities like WeHo or San Francisco (I also work at a night club in WeHo. Everyone know each other)It seems kinda daunting. Everyone looks the same and i have a feeling that I shouldn’t interact in the community because I don’t look like the people on Instagram or Twitter.
Do a lot of gay men know each other?
- Thread starter MightyTall
- Start date
Even in huge cities, the gay community is not that big. You tend to run into the same people over time, and you quickly discover that friends of friends are also close friends or even exes. But cities like LA and SF an NYC, and to some extent London, Berlin, etc., are fairly transient.
You will run into a lot of cliques and circles of acquaintances who know each other, and that's as much because even in a city like SF or LA, there's really only a handful of bars/clubs that appeal to certain segments of the community. If you're a "bear," there's really only 3 or 4 places in SF that you're going to go. Same if you're a "twink" or "circuit" type person. LA is pretty similar.
If you are disliking what you see out of some of those cliques from Instagram or Twitter, then that's your vibe and your preference. Personally, there are people I see out in those venues and with whom I can be friendly, maybe even take a pic with them, but they're not the people I hang with regularly, don't consider them friends, etc. And if you made a judgment about me based on who I was in a group photo with at some event, you'd be reaching a very wrong conclusion that would say more about you than about anyone in a photo.
The gay community in most places is not very large, so it's important that you deal with people honestly and with integrity because reputations can be built and burned very quickly. I know a few people who have wound up becoming such a pariah in their town that they eventually moved to other cities for a fresh start because they'd burned so many bridges and become known as terrible people within those communities.
Good luck!
You will run into a lot of cliques and circles of acquaintances who know each other, and that's as much because even in a city like SF or LA, there's really only a handful of bars/clubs that appeal to certain segments of the community. If you're a "bear," there's really only 3 or 4 places in SF that you're going to go. Same if you're a "twink" or "circuit" type person. LA is pretty similar.
If you are disliking what you see out of some of those cliques from Instagram or Twitter, then that's your vibe and your preference. Personally, there are people I see out in those venues and with whom I can be friendly, maybe even take a pic with them, but they're not the people I hang with regularly, don't consider them friends, etc. And if you made a judgment about me based on who I was in a group photo with at some event, you'd be reaching a very wrong conclusion that would say more about you than about anyone in a photo.
The gay community in most places is not very large, so it's important that you deal with people honestly and with integrity because reputations can be built and burned very quickly. I know a few people who have wound up becoming such a pariah in their town that they eventually moved to other cities for a fresh start because they'd burned so many bridges and become known as terrible people within those communities.
Good luck!
It always tickles me people would say they know a gay guy that he loves 100 miles away and ask if I knew him.. people think that we as a gay community we know each other by telepathy .. so I’d ask them if they knew every straight guy out there just to sound as stupid as they do
_chrizzian_
Cherished Member
...since there are fewer gay men on earth than straights, you response is not completely correct, however i can relate to the frustration that comes with such questions.
And as winesthel945 already pointed out, the (small) community of gays connects a lot over several cities, country or even continents. At least some of them do.
I experienced this in my town too. Whenever we meet "new" people we quickly find a connection to to them over people we already know.
However, let me tell you that most of the time they don't always really "know" each other. It's often a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a boyfriend's cousin. So sure they know names and may have hook up, but appart from that they may not really speak to each other.
In my experience it may feel like you are coming into a huge group of friends in the beginning and the more you explore that group, the more you realise that the actual clique is only half as big as you thought and there are people like you present who feel just as much as an outsider as you do.
The social media issue is a whole different thing.
You may not look like "the people on Instagram or Twitter" but the truth is, nobody does. Not only is instagram famous for filters but people of course only share pictures of them, when they are doing something fun. Or even when they are just chilling with friends, a lot of people assume some kind of pose they think they look best in on a photo.
The societal standards of what is beautiful and worthy to be a goal do the rest.
Lastly, there might be people like you out there, who just do not use social media as much and might not attend gay events.
Take me as an example. I don't use twitter nor insta and even in here i "hide" behind a delicious photo of somebody else.
All in all, don't feel itimidated! Their "bond" might be weaker than you think and not everybody uses social media. You are just presented with the loudest of the crowd first.
Not only do they know each other, most of them have had sex with each other at some point. For the inner city gays anyway.
I have noticed this too, I never tried to fit in or cared to as it just seemed petty and reminds me of high school. Also I don't really fit in as for me being gay isn't a huge part of my identity. No disrespect to those who are I just never really found that to be an important detail of myself and I tend to keep my personal life pretty private. Im just a man who happens to like men. Most of my friends are straight. Most of my past encounters (when I wasn't in a relationship) were with people who were DL or curious etc. So I probably do not even know many gay people even where I live now, not to mention that I have moved a few times. Now that I'm engaged I don't really feel that I have much interest in exploring events and things like that not that I really did before.
RainbowBeach
Cherished Member
I live in a big city. It's Boston, MA. And I know of only a handful of LGBTQ people. Boston in my experience doesn't have the proper venues to host socialization of gay men. It's a lot of hetero college students, a lot of immigrants, a lot of segregation, very very expensive prices and rent and food... and I hate it. I'm not a fan of city life. Especially with COVID, there's just no point living in one when you can have a nice car and live out in the suburbs
Similar threads
