Do Gay Men Play by a Different Set of Rules?

[Manbap]

If you think straight guys are not promiscuous, physically or mentally, you ARE WRONG. The city where I live, straight men are not asked whether they have a girlfriend or not, they are asked how many girlfriends they have. I meet straight men travelers almost every week, and I see them how they hit on women for anything possible. Why does this happen, because they are far away from home. From my own experience, straight and gay men have the same appetite for promiscuity, but gay men tend to be more daring to play within a smaller circle of people they know, whereas, straight men need to flee the town to do that.

Besides, straight men don’t have straightdar.com :biggrin1:

 

[DC_DEEP]

It all depends upon what you mean by "a different set of rules."

If you mean living by what they perceive as societal expectations, then of course the rules are different for straights and for non-straights. That's a given, because the societal expectations are different.

If you mean what is ethical in how one treats others, then I would suspect that the rules are pretty much the same. Some would claim otherwise in order to justify their own behavior, but regardless of the genders involved in a relationship, exclusive still means exclusive, open still means open, and cheating still means cheating.

 

[Sklar]

I agree with DC_DEEP, but I'll go a step further.

Gay men and gay women aren't allowed to play by the same rules that heterosexual men and women play by since we don't get the same kinds of protections that heterosexuals get. So, yes, we do have to play by a different set of rules.

What the gay community wants is acknowlegement that our relationships are just as valid as a heterosexual relationship. Since we don't get that from society (at least here in America) we have to feel our way along to find something that does work for us.

Personally, I'm all for monogamy. In January, we will be celebrating our thrid year together. I have friends, however, that are in an open relationship and that works for them.

In my opinion, being on the "down low" is wrong no matter what sexual orientation you are. It's a lack of respect for the person you are supposed to be in a relationship in. If you are one of these people that says monogamy isn't natural and isn't for you, have you told the person you are dating this? If the answer is no, then you have no moral courage to be honest with the person you are dating. If the answer is yes, at least you are honest and forthright about this.

So I guess what I am saying is if gay couples were allowed to play by the same rules as heterosexuals it would be one thing. Since we aren't, we have to try to either emulate the rules or find a situation that works for us.

Thanks for reading,


Sklar

 

[Strontium]

Pair bonding is the natural state for our species. That is why people everywhere do it.That isn't to say cheating isn't natural too. But that is anothers story.

Sounds to me like you cant make up your mind. Besides which, that comment sounds like opinion being passed off as fact. Are you an expert in these things?

 

[B_Nick8]

While I've slept with a decent number of men I don't think my friends would call me 'promiscuous' (they don't, actually) but when I'm in a relationship I am totally monogamous. When I've gotten to the point that I want to be with other people, or worse, if I am, it means the relationship is on its way out for one reason or another.

 

[Hunt3ed]

Do gay men really play by a different set of rules? Promiscuity runs in all walks of life, so does ignorance. We might adhere to codes of practice that suit our selves and our lifestyles. We might even try to obey the law at times! But there are no rules! Whether pleasant or abhorrent all forms of sexual practice, are normal, its what rocks your boat, that counts.

From my point of view the promiscuous, and forthright homosexual man , is a scary animal, to be avoided where ever possible. As for all the psycho babble here, some people really do try over analyse everything, but some real skull numbing stuff, all the same, well done to those writing their thesis.

 

[carnut64]

There were a few great responses on here, I myself as a gay man for a bazillion years now, find it very interesting that gay men are as promiscuous as they are. When your younger and trying to find out who you are and what you like, as far as sex goes, is one thing, but to live your whole life going from bed to bed or dick to dick? How is that fulfilling? Its just temporary. I have been in 4 relationships, and everyone of them have ended because of infidelity, on their part. So after a few months, you try the dating pool again to see whats out there, and happen to meet the nicest guy in the world, only to to find out that he is in an open relationship or you date him for a few months and find out from someone else that he is involved in a relationship for the last 10 years, and your just his flavor of the month. That has happened to me more often then not. Why cant a gay man just be happy with who he's with? Why do we have to search for the ulimate dick, or the cutest face or the nicest ass? I was a bartender in gay bars for many years, I have heard every pickup line in the book, watched many couples break up over promiscuous behavior, and infidelity, watched sweet innocent people get hurt, and watched highly respected people in the community enter bathhouses, cruising at parks, or rest stops while his partner is at a different bathhouse park or whatever. Its sad, and its no wonder gay people get a bad rap. Granted I was brought up old school, in an itty-bitty town, and was basically brought up by Ward and June Cleaver. AND, that is the type of gay relationship I would like to find and have been searching for almost 30 yrs. It doesnt exist. I find it very difficult to believe that there is very many, IF ANY, genuine monogamous gay men out there. So my thought is... that gay men do live under a few different rules than straight people.

example: gay guys.... how many times when you are on a first date, do you ask or get asked, how big is your dick?, are you a top or bottom, and end up touching each others peepees in the bathroom, or just skipped the movies and went home and had sex?

straight example: ladies.... if you were on your first date, and some one asked you how tight your pussy was, or if I liked to get fucked in the ass, he would probably be wearing his dinner and/or drink...right?

yes we have different rules...

 

[invisibleman]

I have been in 4 relationships, and everyone of them have ended because of infidelity, on their part. So after a few months, you try the dating pool again to see whats out there, and happen to meet the nicest guy in the world, only to to find out that he is in an open relationship or you date him for a few months and find out from someone else that he is involved in a relationship for the last 10 years, and your just his flavor of the month. That has happened to me more often then not. Why cant a gay man just be happy with who he's with? Why do we have to search for the ulimate dick, or the cutest face or the nicest ass? I was a bartender in gay bars for many years, I have heard every pickup line in the book, watched many couples break up over promiscuous behavior, and infidelity, watched sweet innocent people get hurt, and watched highly respected people in the community enter bathhouses, cruising at parks, or rest stops while his partner is at a different bathhouse park or whatever. Its sad, and its no wonder gay people get a bad rap.

Granted I was brought up old school, in an itty-bitty town, and was basically brought up by Ward and June Cleaver. AND, that is the type of gay relationship I would like to find and have been searching for almost 30 yrs. It doesnt exist. I find it very difficult to believe that there is very many, IF ANY, genuine monogamous gay men out there. So my thought is... that gay men do live under a few different rules than straight people.

I thought that I was the only one who experienced this. I am so glad that I am not alone in these experiences and observations.

 

[BIGBULL29]

There were a few great responses on here, I myself as a gay man for a bazillion years now, find it very interesting that gay men are as promiscuous as they are. When your younger and trying to find out who you are and what you like, as far as sex goes, is one thing, but to live your whole life going from bed to bed or dick to dick? How is that fulfilling? Its just temporary. I have been in 4 relationships, and everyone of them have ended because of infidelity, on their part. So after a few months, you try the dating pool again to see whats out there, and happen to meet the nicest guy in the world, only to to find out that he is in an open relationship or you date him for a few months and find out from someone else that he is involved in a relationship for the last 10 years, and your just his flavor of the month. That has happened to me more often then not. Why cant a gay man just be happy with who he's with? Why do we have to search for the ulimate dick, or the cutest face or the nicest ass? I was a bartender in gay bars for many years, I have heard every pickup line in the book, watched many couples break up over promiscuous behavior, and infidelity, watched sweet innocent people get hurt, and watched highly respected people in the community enter bathhouses, cruising at parks, or rest stops while his partner is at a different bathhouse park or whatever. Its sad, and its no wonder gay people get a bad rap. Granted I was brought up old school, in an itty-bitty town, and was basically brought up by Ward and June Cleaver. AND, that is the type of gay relationship I would like to find and have been searching for almost 30 yrs. It doesnt exist. I find it very difficult to believe that there is very many, IF ANY, genuine monogamous gay men out there. So my thought is... that gay men do live under a few different rules than straight people.

example: gay guys.... how many times when you are on a first date, do you ask or get asked, how big is your dick?, are you a top or bottom, and end up touching each others peepees in the bathroom, or just skipped the movies and went home and had sex?

straight example: ladies.... if you were on your first date, and some one asked you how tight your pussy was, or if I liked to get fucked in the ass, he would probably be wearing his dinner and/or drink...right?

yes we have different rules...

I agree with you. This is from someone who has a love-hate relationship with gay culture.

But, on the same token, when people start running their mouth about how corrupt gay men/culture is, I get offended because many of those people know very little, if anything, about gay culture. I know because I've lived it.

It all boils down to one thing: One has to experience a culture first-hand to understand its participants' behaviors. Otherwise, a non-participant/observer is not speaking from the heart, but from information collected through which he or she has supposedly reasoned.

I still love to hang out with gay men and dance to erotic tribal house. That has never changed.:wink:

 

[ManiacalMadMan]

In the thread Down Low . . . is it Cheating? Swllower bought up an interesting point. Many people seem to believe that gay men play by a different set of rules.
So my question is, Do gay men really play by a different set of rules? Or is it just that left to your own devices most men, gay or straight will fuck anything, at any time with little regard as to the consequences?

Look at Industrialsize, 27 years of happily wedded bliss. :smile: I know for fact that many gay men are in long term, monogamous relationships but they don't get the press that the more promiscuous gay men get.

Is there really some unwritten code that gay men must be promiscuous? Are monogamous gay men somehow thought to be freaky or weird within the gay community?

I apologize if this is comes across as a stupid or worse homophobic question; but I am genuinely curious as I don't understand. :redface:

I do not play by rules mainly because I do not play when it comes to love and relations For me a relationship is a very special thing and should not be played with or tampered with.

I have had a few short term relationships and during these timeses I have been very proper and monogamous staying strictly with only that person. Between relationsships I am very open to most about any thing sexual as there is no cheating and it just sex I do have a line which however I draw to stop at. If the man I am interested in just having sex with is involved with a nother man I will not do any thing with them. I years ago involved with a man who had a partner and I always felt bad about it. Unfortunately until 5 years ago I would still involve in sex with a man if he was married to a woman but then I realized that was not fair to her either and so I set my line very securely that they must be uninvolved If I find later they were involved with a nother, I must stop all sex with them unless the partner approves of it (and tells me directly).

Long lasting relations seem to not be in the cards for me but that does not give me the right to hurt others with bad actions for my sexual desire.

 

[B_Italian1]

That was an awesome post, carnut64. I've posted a lot of what you said and have been called a gay basher, hater, homophobic, and everything else you can imagine. I'm none of that. What I've been trying to say all along is how you are perceived is how you are treated, and if you keep up with that stereotypical behavior you'll never get the respect you deserve. You said it better than I ever could have. Kudos to you.

 

[djpeh]

I always wonder why so many straight men seem to feel they have to tell everyone else how to live their lives. What's up with that???

 

[WellHung83]

Different horses for different coarses. What ever works for somebody to make their relationship go the distance, regardless of sexual preference then I say just ignore convention and go for it. There is no wrong or right way to be in a relationship these days and so by and large you have to make up your own rules as you go, especially in a gay relationship where there are not many role models from which to draw conclusions from.

 

[princeharry]

The fat lady has now sung, (even though nobody asked her to, and nobody wanted her to)

So for sure the show is now over (even if the fat lady sings again)

I've been called a gay basher, hater, homophobic, and everything else you can imagine ...
... how you are perceived is how you are treated

 

[cklover]

I don't care about how many lawyer-like arguments there are, a gay man in the closet, or on the DL, is a desperate man whose need to fit into the hetero culture cheats an innocent woman. It's wrong, it's rotten, but....I'll admit, I almost did it myself and cheated a few superb women. I finally accepted my own homosexuality, and made some apologies and got on with it. NO, the standards are based on human compassion, there are none excusing gay men of uncompassionate behavior. (of course, this is IMHO :wink

 

[str82fcuk]

standards are based on human compassion, there are none excusing gay men of uncompassionate behavior. (of course, this is IMHO :wink

Well if the laws of compassionate behaviour are the subject, then of course doesn't it go without saying that everyone should play by the same rules? :smile: (Is that what this thread was about? :redface: I had thought people were talking about rules of sexual conduct. Anyway I guess that misunderstanding could be why some people had such harsh judgements )

love and light you all

 

[earllogjam]

Do gay men play by a different set of rules?.

Is this an Acey Duecey / Backgamon question?

The simple answer is "yes" because there are no set socially accepted conventions for our relationships. We kind of are making it up as we go along. Some gay couples like to emulate straight marriage because it is a known tradition and the rules are established which makes everything easier. But many find the roles of man and wife don't relate very well to two gay men or lesbians and that the convention does not serve them very well, especially if they don't have kids.

The complicated answer is "no" because there are as many straight permeatations of coupledom as gay - if not more.

 

[Meniscus]

One of the arguments that is sometimes made against homosexuality is that gay men have greater health risks and shorter life spans. These arguments will then made some claim that the average gay man has X number of partners in his lifetime, and presents that information in such a context to make it seem like gay men are promiscuous and engaging in high risk behaviors.

I'm 36 years old. The first time I had sex I was 27 years old. Since then I've gone as long as 3 years between sexual encounters. My sex drive is not that strong. I can go for weeks without even masturbating. In a good year I may have sex 2 or 3 times. (I had sex 3 times this year, so I figure my next enounter will probably be in 2010.)

It doesn't sound like I've had much sex, does it? But if you add up my partners, I've had sex with 9 different men. Does that make me promiscuous? I don't perceive myself as promiscuous. I perceive myself as practically living like a monk. Most people I know have much more active sex lives than I do.

My dictionary defines promiscuous as "lacking standards of selection; indiscriminate...casual; random." I'll admit I've had a couple of casual encounters, sometimes fueled by alcohol, that I'm not too proud of. But in general I've dated most of the men I had sex with, I'm quite particular about who I date, and I don't generally have sex until I've had a few dates with a guy. The men I've dated have included a professional artist, an attorney, two college professors, an opera singer, a grad student, a stripper, and a top executive at Toyota.

Alas, I didn't end up in long-term relationship with any of these men, but I liked and respected each of them and in every case we parted amicably. A few of them I still have a great deal of affection for. One of them I still run into from time to time, and he always greets me warmly.

I would prefer to be married. I don't like being single, but I'm getting to a point where I'm resigned to the possibility that marriage might never happen for me. In the meantime, if I meet a nice guy who wants to have sex with me (which, as I said, only happens a couple of times a year), I'm not inclined to pass up those opportunities.

So do gay men play by a different set of rules? I don't pretend that my situation is in any way typical of gay men, nor would I criticize gay men who play by a different set of rules. I play by the rules that make sense for me. I suppose one could argue that long-term monogamy makes sense for straight people, because they have greater opportunities to pair-bond, because such an arrangement is conducive to raising children, and because society offers a great deal of support to hetero couples. Gay men have far fewer opportunities to date, are much less likely to find someone with whom they are compatible over the long-term, and have much less social support. So it makes more sense for us to date when we can, have sex when we can, have several partners until we find Mr. Right (if we ever do find him), and sometimes have long periods of celibacy in-between.

 

[Hellboy0]

Not being straight, I have no idea what 'rules' are being evaluated. However I have observed that many straight men have as many 1-night-stands, short-term relationships, etc as I or even my most promiscuous gay men.

I'm not sure that the stereotypical 'sex fiend' definition of a gay man or his rules really exists. Maybe we're have fewer requirements from society about what we're 'supposed to be' than heterosexuals so we just do what we think we need to. I've also noticed that those who follow the 'heterosexual rules' are getting fewer and fewer.

Again, this is all just observation and conjecture. I don't really give a fuck what anyone thinks about my monogomy when in relationship (been in one for 15 years in Feb) or my occassional forays into sleazedom when I'm single. I'm playing by my rules, not this fictional, nebulous gay set that is being asked about here.

 

[BigDuder]

the fact is girls give it up harder than men. if girls were as easy as dude's, everyone would be fucking everyone they meet on the street and nothing would get done. gay men, are therefore, extremely lucky.