Do I take the hall pass offers by my wife?

[Bondmiles21]

So my wife and I have been married 20 years. Very much in love and committed forever. We did swing years ago but stopped as life got busy and challenging. Now she is in menopause and sex drive dead. She has stated on 2 occasions that if I mess around then she will totally understand but she just doesn’t want to hear about it. Don’t ask, Don’t tell kind of thing. I am really interested is some more bi experiences so am looking for those. Still dig chicks but have a design for cock play as well.
Anyone else experienced a similar situation?
Ultimately I want for my wife to return to her sexual self and join me on some of these adventures.

 

[daRose]

Does she know your bi? Would it matter to her if she knew it was men?

i mean i would say as long as you try to not catch feelings and you are safe... go for it!

 

[Bondmiles21]

Thanks for those thought.

 

[Infernal]

I think you should sit down and have an honest conversation about it. Aside from satisfying your own sexual needs, what is she looking to get out of it? With her lack of a sex drive and understanding that it's frustrating for you, what does she hope to achieve by giving you the ability to get some elsewhere? If marriage is a partnership, then no one gets a freebie. What are your expectations, and what are hers? Does she maybe want to hear about it? Will it provide her some stimulation to get her in the mood, or will it make her jealous and that's why she doesn't want to know? Leaving these questions hanging out there can create misunderstandings, which leads to arguments and resentments. It's best to make sure you both understand what the other expects out of the arrangement. As for myself, I want to know that it's happening. I don't need to know the details. I know what my husband likes so what he did with who isn't all that important. It's about expectations. If he says he will be home at a certain time, then he will be. If he's going to be late because he stopped to see a fuck buddy, I just want to know. I would do the same for him.

 

[Bondmiles21]

Great insights. Thank you for the encouragement to have those conversations.

 

[Sagittarius84]

OP didn't really elaborate upon, which speaks volumes, how his bicuriousity was received by his spouse...before even bringing up anything about a pass, I'd get her feelings on your sexuality 1st, don't just take the pass as an opportunity to engage in behaviors your wife might not have approved of before.

 

[Number 9]

@Bondmiles21 , you and I are standing on the deck of the same slow sinking Titanic. I am there and I am doing that.

We have been married 39 yrs, menopause started creeping into her life about 8 years ago and while lessened her libido is still in a black hole. I also received the ok to help myself if I wanted a few years back and sure it sounds like a delicious idea.

We are completely different people so I can only tell you my feelings on the situation. No, I could never(as much as I would love to) indulge my pleasures with another woman just because my wife is suffering through a physical condition.

Yes, she offered and yes, you can say “it’s just sex” but is it? There is no way I could share that level of intimacy with another and not build some level of emotional bond with her. What would that say about your feeling for your wife’s feelings. She’s going through one of the most difficult times of her life and your ok if you undermine her single connection to you after 20 years of giving?

I know this sounds judgmental but it’s not leaving my fingers in that sense. I understand exactly how you feel. Losing the physical and emotional intimacy in our life together has been one of the worst challenges of our marriage. It’s a big shit sandwich that some are man enough to struggle through. I guarantee you wife isn’t at a party eating noodle salad and finger sandwiches with Sir Elton on the piano made of candy.

This is why the GREAT WOZ of ACCRON gave you porn and a right and or left hand. You can jack of to a literal cornucopia of copulation and stretch your mental creative limits of carnal lust with no guilt.

Maybe you all are different and that’s great. I always say that you are the only one that will care about if you enjoy life or not and life is short but I always want to “be there” for my wife.

If the shoe was on the other foot I would tell my wife she could see to her needs but I would never say to take a “ lover”. To me that is two completely different things. I should be the only one she wants to love and share her emotional intimacy with. I know even if it was sterile sex, I would likely still feel like shit and a bit betrayed.

Is it worth her feeling that? Are you ok if the situation reversed.

 

[deleted5199391]

You know her better than us. Was her sincere and sure of what she said?
Then, go for it.
Otherwise, better talk with her and be sure.
Btw, to me sex deprivation is a real torture, so I think that couples should find their balance and solutions. It's just sex, a physical need.

 

[Sagittarius84]

Is it worth her feeling that? Are you ok if the situation reversed.

This notion keeps getting brought up, but I don't think it's the end all, mic drop question it thinks it is, because quite frankly I believe men in such a situation are much more inclined to be proactive in finding auxiliary ways to fulfill those intimacy needs for their wives than vice versa. That's why I think this is such a hard topic for men especially, look at this very forum, it is full of men whom are excited to see their wives get pleasure from other men. In most cases most of us are brought up to think women are the prize, and what we won't do for her some other man happily will. Not the healthiest outlook, but I think it positively motivates men to stop relying on their penises to sexually satisfy their wives, and resort to other means independent of what sexual pleasure we get out of it.
I've said it before in another thread, paraphrasing, that if women were as proactive with offering alternate means to sexually pleasure their men in lieu of their genitalia not cooperating, to the level of men eager to employ tongues, fingers, toys, and other men for their wives, would the majority of male complaints about their female SOs sexual inabilities disappear.
The problem isn't just a male entitlement to PIV sex, it's the fact that most often no alternate means are proactively offered by the sole shareholder of his sexual access; no mouths, no hands, no toys, no 3rd parties, nothing but frustration with no objective plan or timeline to address it, but for him to just grin, bear it, and never make her aware of the building frustration.

 

[chrisrobin]

So my wife and I have been married 20 years. Very much in love and committed forever. We did swing years ago but stopped as life got busy and challenging. Now she is in menopause and sex drive dead. She has stated on 2 occasions that if I mess around then she will totally understand but she just doesn’t want to hear about it. Don’t ask, Don’t tell kind of thing. I am really interested is some more bi experiences so am looking for those. Still dig chicks but have a design for cock play as well.
Anyone else experienced a similar situation?
Ultimately I want for my wife to return to her sexual self and join me on some of these adventures.

Its not an unusual situation to be in but the hall pass offer really needs a bit of investigation, even more if you are hoping to explore your bi side

 

[Bondmiles21]

Very nice and insightful responses by all. Thank you for your thoughts. I have not taken the pass but am focusing on my wife. Paying attention to her and helping her find her sexual urges more and more. She has said that very thing, that she hates losing those natural feelings. I have also asked her to help me explore prostate massage. I remember that she really digs giving ass play and strap on with girls. This will probably help get her juices flowing some. Cheers all!

 

[deleted18388141]

why is your wife not active sexually? what changed? hormones? excitement? sens of adventure? bordom?
maybe you could explore a new way with her... not sexual, but what about sensuality?
maybe you can look at this...
and for the men or women, I would say, always protect yourself... in many ways (condoms) aren't enought.
But maybe erotic experiences could be a door...