Do I Tell A Good Friend I Want More?

poland74

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Background, I am a 41 year old who until about 1 year ago was very inexperienced sexually and also didn't have any real friends and practically no social life. Just over 1 year ago I made two friends, guys who live very close to me who are both gay and already knew each other although not particularly closely. One is my age the other is a bit younger at 33.

Over the last year I have become increasingly close to one of the guys (the younger one) and we hang out on average a couple of times a week and exchange messages when not together. I now consider him my best friend and I'd like to think I'm one of his. However pretty soon after meeting I realised I had stronger feelings for him but he'd already made comments about not mixing friendships with sex and so on. I wasn't sure whether what I was feeling was genuine "love" in a romantic sense or just a "I don't wanna lose him" lust/wanting a stronger friendship.

I have mixed feelings as to whether this guy would feel the same, He has made a number of complements about my body and aspects of my looks, has improved my dress sense and generally built up my confidence. We spend time together like a couple would except for the sex but the biggies that make me think he doesn't see me that way and never will are I'm not his usual type. He generally goes for twinky younger guys, has made no secret of looking for other guys to date and as I said has pointed out he wouldn't fool around sexually with a friend as it risks alienating them or changing the atmosphere.

That is my big fear, that if I say anything even if I say I'm confused about how I feel it could change things between us and I could possibly lose the best thing that has ever happened to my life however as my friend has once again started going on dates with other guys I am getting increasingly jealous and don't know how to handle it. I think my plan has been spend as much time together as possible and eventually he may grow to feel the same way about me as I feel about him but is that just fooling myself?
 
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RainbowStrength

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There will be some risk. However, I think the safest route might be to do some discrete probing to learn more about what he's looking for right now. Do you two openly discuss your sex lives with each other? It takes tact, but learning if he's more interested in hookups right now versus serious relationships may be a valuable thing to try to find out before opening up about yourself. The hardest part about gay friendships is that the connection and care we have to and for our friends heavily parallels some romantic feelings and expressions. Meaning, the signs he shows many not necessarily go beyond friendship.

It's difficult to talk about sex lives if you aren't already on that level with a friend, but dropping discrete comments of "Oh, I went to the bar and saw an attractive guy, but I doubt he'd ever go for me" or things like that can be a good starter to transition over to the subject of sex and normalize its discussion. From there, it might be easier to test the water of where you two stand and see if it might be safe to open up about the fact that you want more.
 

poland74

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Thanks for replying. Yes we talk about our sex lives regularly. He goes through stages, sometimes he just has random hook ups but then sometimes he goes on "dates" but things fizzle out quickly. He has talked about eventually wanting a life partner but then talks about men cheating. I have never wanted a relationship with anyone before (mainly because I've never had opportunity) but I could see myself with him long term and he is the only person I could imagine being in a relationship with. Perhaps because I know him so well and I am comfortable with him. I am planning to ask questions like, Do you think you'd ever consider dating someone older? or if you got on well with some one would it matter if they weren't your usual type looks wise? but I have to pick the right moment. If I ask certain questions at certain times I think it would be obvious I was referring to myself.
 
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Thanks for replying. Yes we talk about our sex lives regularly. He goes through stages, sometimes he just has random hook ups but then sometimes he goes on "dates" but things fizzle out quickly. He has talked about eventually wanting a life partner but then talks about men cheating. I have never wanted a relationship with anyone before (mainly because I've never had opportunity) but I could see myself with him long term and he is the only person I could imagine being in a relationship with. Perhaps because I know him so well and I am comfortable with him. I am planning to ask questions like, Do you think you'd ever consider dating someone older? or if you got on well with some one would it matter if they weren't your usual type looks wise? but I have to pick the right moment. If I ask certain questions at certain times I think it would be obvious I was referring to myself.
It sounds like he might also have a lot of trust/jealousy issues with romantic relationships to work on. I can't speak for him, but it sounds like he likes to keep his friends separate from his lovers for that reason.
 

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Since you've undergone this social transformation just a year or so ago, and credit him as an essential catalyst in your life, I think you should take a pretty conservative approach to this issue. You genuinely need him in your life right now, so I'd back off from trying to verbally probe his desires. It could easily backfire and might trigger him to put up a wall. People in conversation are always trying to figure out "wonder where that question came from...". I'd just continue to enjoy his friendship and continue to strengthen the bond you've established.

As far as dealing with your feelings of jealousy, "get over it" for right now if you can. If it's really problematic, I encourage you to see a therapist for some ongoing support and techniques (not a bad idea given the late social start you've described!). Also, sexual/personal attraction is a complex thing that is often irrational and beyond an individual's own understanding (or acceptance). Directly asking someone such questions has its limits. Just watch him over time. You can much better judge somebody based on what they do (behavior) over what they say.
 
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dreamer20

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1 year ago was very inexperienced sexually and also made two friends..I have become close to the younger one and..pretty soon I realised I had ...feelings for him but he'd...made comments about not mixing friendships with sex and so on...That is my big fear, that if I say anything... about how I feel it could change things between us and I could possibly lose the best thing that has ever happened to my life... as my friend has once again started going on dates with other guys I am getting increasingly jealous and don't know how to handle it...

When dealing with him, in this matter, be bold, cheerful and positive. Tell him he's the best thing that has happened in your life. You appreciated him improving your dress sense, building your confidence and his companionship. That you've grown to like him a lot and feel you would make a great couple together. Ask if having an exclusive relationship would be possible - or not. You need to lay your cards on the table in order to get an answer from him. Act before some other bloke does and gets him instead of you.