Do single people un-nerve coupled people?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by green carnation, Apr 23, 2010.

  1. green carnation

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    I find myself defending my single status more and more often. I tell my good friends I am quite happily single (for many reasons) and will find a boyfriend when I want one, but they just dont seem to get it. Every single time I see them they ask me how my love life is, and I am tired of having to make excuses/explanations.

    Some could say these friends are wanting me to be happy and are being good friends. But I am happy already, as I am. Some could say that if I make excuses and explanations then I must feel I need to explain, but I feel I need to explain because I am not asked in a nice enquiring way, I am asked in a pitying way. Some could say that I am defensive and snappy when asked because really I do want a relationship, but really I am sick of being asked, that is why I am snappy. It's not like I always go around asking them how their marriage is in a pitying condescending tone.

    Does anyone else get this from their "friends"?

    It doesn't always bother me, but I have just come back from visiting a friend and getting the same question as usual. But only this time SHE says 'O I met this nice guy, I will arrange a dinner for you'. OK, so it is sweet of her to offer me a dinner to meet this guy, BUT... a) I can meet my own guys thank you very much, because b) you sat next to him on the train for 30 minutes only and c) you dont even know he is gay, "he was just a little camp" and finally d) I find blind dates situations (arranged by other people) totally uncomfortable.

    And then there is an acquaintance who telephones me last week to say she was having her hair cut and there was a gay hairdresser there (quelle surprise) and she thinks we should meet. Well, a) she hardly knows me, only met her twice and b) she doesn't know this hairdresser either, he wasn't even her hairdresser! Apparently we would be perfect together. What? Just because we are both gay? I'm going to tell an aristocratic friend of mine who speaks Russian that I was standing next to someone in the queue in the supermarket who I think spoke Russian, so I think I will arrange a dinner for them as they will be perfect for each other!...My friend would think I was mad, so why do i have to be matched with people only because they are gay.

    I am probably over reacting (which I can be known to do!) but it feels like other people keep offering me dregs when I just want to be left alone. It wouldn't be so bad if they did actually meet/know somebody who they thought would be suitable for me for their personality and not their sexuality, I'm not totally closed to the possibility of a relationship.

    Are they just trying to help, are they interferring or are they threatened by my single status?

    There are a lot of issues in this rant, but does anyone else have similar situations or do I just need to change my friends and get more that are single?
     
  2. wallyj84

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    I wish I had friends who would hook me up with people. I'm single and lonely.

    I think most people assume that if you're single, you're unhappy. This is especially true for couples. I don't think they mean anything by it though. Just ignore it.
     
  3. invisibleman

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    I feel for you.

    I think that there should be Hallmark cards for the people who try to set up dates for people they don't know. I have been done like that by family...by friends...and by some people that I don't EVEN know.

    I have had women who were attracted to me and wanted to go out with me. And got pissed off because I told them that I was gay. :rolleyes: I have had a couple of men in my neighborhood who wanted to have sex with me and when I told them that I am not interested...I get called a tease. :rolleyes: (I told them not everyone you feel is sexy aren't sexy for you. I am not a tease...you just need to soldier your horn.:mad:)

    I have had a couple of my aunts on my mom's side tried to set me up only to have "my dates" come back to my aunts..."your nephew is gay". :biggrin1: (That was funny yet hard on them...they really shouldn't have done that.)

    I think that family and friends mean well. But I think that it isn't their place to set up dates unless they REALLY, REALLY know the person. I am not happy being single. But I don't want any help with dates either. :smile:
     
  4. invisibleman

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    Besides...I know some coupled people that are unhappy yet they stay with their partners and cheat.
     
  5. green carnation

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    so im only slighty miserable and ungrateful! Thats a relief
     
  6. D_Cock_Hudson

    D_Cock_Hudson New Member

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    I don't think they unnerve people. Society seems to presume that being part of a couple is nearly always best and is geared to the presumption that you are in a relationship.
     
  7. cdog204

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    I'm single and I can definitely tell that it unnerves some of my coupled friends. It results in constant attempts at set-ups. Just last night I got into a conversation with a buddy's girlfriend and she said, "I don't see why you're not in a relationship. You're a total catch." She refused to accept my answer that I prefer more casual relationships and labeled me as childish.

    It makes some sense. Women are, on the reptilian brain level, programmed to nest. You can draw a logical line that they would want to encourage other women to do the same. When they encounter someone whose behavior strikes against their most basic instincts, they become a little flustered.
     
  8. petite

    petite New Member

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    I've never been the instigator in setting anyone up on a blind date or encouraged one of my single friends who is happily single to date anyone.

    The only time I've ever gotten involved in getting couples together is after one friend has told me that he/she is interested in another one of my friends or if one of my friends has told me that he/she wants to find someone and is unhappy being single. I have been involved in organizing outings, dinners, and parties with the hope that the one friend with a crush succeeds in hooking up with the person that he/she is interested in. My role has proved successful a few times with the initial hook-up, but the long term success of those relationships has been low.

    I don't think it's that there's anything wrong with being single. There's a reason why peopel watch romantic movies. People love love.
     
  9. LittleDicky

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    Your friends mean well. But, people who do this constantly are PROJECTING their values and what THEY want and need into you. They think that's what right for them is what's right for you. Period. Yes, it's annoying, and it makes them seem shallow that they don't realize that we are all different and all don't want the same things.

    It's not just "finding someone." It can be, "Why don't you go out more?" "Why don't you travel." "Why don't you look for a job doing this or that?" The list is endless. And, in each case, they are projecting their own needs, what they would like, into you.

    Ignore them.

     
    #9 LittleDicky, Apr 25, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2010
  10. luka82

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    I would rather be single than in an unhappy relationship!
    Loneliness doesn`t scare me!
    Yes, things would be much better with a partner, but I tried being with someone who was VERY into me, and I just wasn`t so into him....I wasn`t happy...
    I often complain to my coupled friends how i desperately need a BF...then again, i can`t imagine myself being with someone i`m not 100% into...
    I guess that`s why they don`t stop with hook-ups...they want to see me happy!
    But being single doesn`t mean beings miserable:)
     
  11. LittleDicky

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    To elaborate on this, some people seem to believe that a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all. I don't happen to be one of them. These people are usually needy.

    To take it further, life is a trade-off in every decision we make. As far as relationships go, there are things we gain and give up by being single, and there are things we gain and give up by being involved with someone. Each of us has to decide what we want, what can can handle, and what we are willing to do without.

    Friends who try to pressure you into a relationship are, again, projecting their neediness into you. They can't be alone, and can't understand how you can be.
     
  12. luka82

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    Yeah I have a friend, and I have known her for 7-8 years now. I can`t remember a day she was single. The moment she is out of a relationship, she is in a new one! I think she is scared of being single! She is not a close friend though, so i don`t get too involved in her "things".
     
  13. green carnation

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    i much prefer this approach. Set up a situation where we will meet but dont tell us it is a set up, if you must. But then maybe it isnt actually about us but about them anyway, as has been suggested. And interesting cdog that it is only women who do this to me, and your explanation makes sense. I never clicked on this aspect.


     
  14. Mr. Bungle

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    In the Huge Tits On A Thin Body thread
    I'm the perpetually single guy in my circle of friends and I love it. Pretty much all my friends from high school & college are married... only problem is, I never see them anymore, even BEFORE they had kids... basically it's just a shift of focus, that's all. And the times that I DO get to spend time with them, it's nothing but other married couples; conversations about baby clothes/baby names; maternity-wear and how they shouldn't've re-financed their home mortgage when they did.

    And I end up plopping down in a chair in the corner, next to the vegetable spread and bowl full of pretzels, stuffing my face and staring at the fish tank.

    Having witnessed this scene unfolding several times, my friends seem to think that THEY, the married folk, unnerve ME -- after all, I'm in their element -- which is not at all the case; it's just that they've taken it upon themselves to enter that stage of their lives, to buy a house and start a family... and I think that's great, don't get me wrong. It just aint my time yet :smile:

    Also, this is coming from a guy who plays in a band and parties a lot (albeit MUCH more responsibly than in my 20s). There have been many nights that I've gotten home from gigs around the time my married friends were waking up to give baby their morning bottle. But basically there's such a vast difference between my world and theirs --and my friends and I realize this, and we just kinda let each other do their own thing.

    I do know, however, that once I find the right woman and decide to settle down to middle-class suburbia/polo shirt & khaki-wear/gotta-make-sure- my-lawn's-greener-than-the-Jones'-next-door-land, the married-friend invites will come pouring in by the truckload... lotta years to catch up on... :cool:
     
  15. B_quietguy

    B_quietguy New Member

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    My thinking is that if a person can't be happy by themselves, they can't be happy in a relationship. If they think they need somebody else to "make them happy" or "complete them", then who are they when they are not attached to anybody else?

    I'd much prefer partners who can be happy on their own because then they can invite others to share in their happiness.

    Hey, Luka82! I think you know the same woman I do. She always had to have a boyfriend - no matter how bad he was for her. I tend to avoid that type.
     
  16. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

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    I can't imagine anything more uncreative than the life you describe in the last paragraph. I'm not interested in "settling down to middle-class suburban life style". It basically makes me want to puke. Some couples I know think I'm immature because I don't want to end up in such a boring and uninteresting situation. I definitely feel sorry for people who are artistic or non-conforming. I hope they don't end up in such a fucked up scene. One thing about where I live here in LA; there isn't the pressure to follow the herd.
     
  17. AlteredEgo

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    perhaps meet more single friends, or simply more people who will treat you with more respect. No one ever questioned me like that when I was single (because I was slutty). However, when I eased into a monogamous relationship again, all of my friends not into monogamy (admittedly, mostly dudes who wanted to fuck me or keep fucking me) seemed to be going out of their way to make me feel unevolved, narrow-minded, and pathetic for wanting my relationship just the way it is. Needless to say, I don't know most of them anymore. Oddly, some of those same people said that monogamous people were always trying to make them feel that way too.
     
  18. SpeedoMike

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    OTOH, there is the situation that singles are included less and less in get-togethers as their friends enter serious relationships or marriage. couples like to mingle with other couples and the single is odd man out. my folks liked to play bridge with other couples. their church pastor also liked to play, but only got invited when he could be paired with a window.
     
  19. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

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    Im at the age when all my friends are married or in long term relationships, and what annoys me more then them asking about my relationships (o lack of) is that they cant seem to carry a conversation with a single person any more. Everything they say has to relate to being a couple.

    If i ring a friend to ask how she is, then i want to now how SHE is, not what he has done and how that has influenced her and what she has done in return of that.
    Dont change your friends, but finding single friends you can go out with certainly does make things easier.

    I know i can call one of them say say lets go out and they will, but ring a friend in a relationship and a week has passed by the time they check with the partner and both of them plan their lives around that one night out.
     
  20. AlteredEgo

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    We don't mix much with single friends because we don't want to make them uncomfortable. No one likes to feel like a third wheel. If they want to hang out, let them extend an invitation to something so we'll know. Ohhhh, but they never do.
     
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