Do some people equate attraction with love?

[thestrangeness]

way too many times ppl have physical attraction and automatically think its love.... both manifest themselves with physical feelings... but they are both so much different.... over my live i have actually LOVED a few ppl.... but i have been physically attracted to more than i could ever count.. and yes i have had physical attraction and love for the same person too.... but jst cuz u are physically attracted to someone and u love fukin them and it gives an amazing feeling... that isnt love.... is endorphins.... ur high on sex... lol.....

 

[helgaleena]

AE skrev:

I don't know if I can agree with that. I don't think it is all love. I think some of it is self-delusion, some is lust, some is just a crush. We may all express love differently, but love itself, romantically speaking, absolutely requires intimacy, passion, and a willingness to commit. Anything else is something else. It may even be love, but in that case one cannot be said to be IN love.

I guess if you take earl's point that we might not have enough words for different types of love, then they are not the same sort of love. But gee whiz, I am not ready to say that any of them is in some way superior to the others. There are so many sorts of love one can feel and just because I may not have gotten around to experiencing them all-- yet-- does that mean I don't get the gold star?

Also I'm glad you are content with your marriage. Every marriage has its splendors and is usually much better than free agency. Happy people are naturally attractive too. :tongue:

 

[AlteredEgo]

AE skrev:

I don't know if I can agree with that. I don't think it is all love. I think some of it is self-delusion, some is lust, some is just a crush. We may all express love differently, but love itself, romantically speaking, absolutely requires intimacy, passion, and a willingness to commit. Anything else is something else. It may even be love, but in that case one cannot be said to be IN love.

I guess if you take earl's point that we might not have enough words for different types of love, then they are not the same sort of love. But gee whiz, I am not ready to say that any of them is in some way superior to the others. There are so many sorts of love one can feel and just because I may not have gotten around to experiencing them all-- yet-- does that mean I don't get the gold star?

Also I'm glad you are content with your marriage. Every marriage has its splendors and is usually much better than free agency. Happy people are naturally attractive too. :tongue:

I never once said anything about any feelings being better than any other feelings. I'm speaking to the differences, and acknowledging that there are those differences, and I am not talking about anything other than a declaration of being IN love. I am trying to find out why some people are always in love with people who don't feel the same way, and why some people frequently attract those people. I'm hoping to isolate habits and traits that draw to me people who are prone to be too easily in love, and perhaps learn when to suppress these parts of myself. I have an extreme aversion to hurting someone when all they want to do is love me (whether they are actually in love with me, as they claim, or not). I would like to stop finding myself in this position.

 

[helgaleena]

I never once said anything about any feelings being better than any other feelings. I'm speaking to the differences, and acknowledging that there are those differences, and I am not talking about anything other than a declaration of being IN love. I am trying to find out why some people are always in love with people who don't feel the same way, and why some people frequently attract those people. I'm hoping to isolate habits and traits that draw to me people who are prone to be too easily in love, and perhaps learn when to suppress these parts of myself. I have an extreme aversion to hurting someone when all they want to do is love me (whether they are actually in love with me, as they claim, or not). I would like to stop finding myself in this position.

Short answer: they are learning. I don't think there's a way to stop people from falling in love with you besides being churlish. That's not something to do if you are fortunate enough to be friendly by nature.

 

[Drifterwood]

I would like to stop finding myself in this position.

But what if that means you have to stop being who you are? Or communicating that?

I don't think that you should.

 

[AlteredEgo]

But what if that means you have to stop being who you are? Or communicating that?

I don't think that you should.

If I could find a way to determine who might be more likely to "go there" with me, I would cheerfully edit myself with those people. So far, other than getting along well with me, I can't even sort out similarities between the men with whom I have had this issue. They have come from different walks and stages of life, and different levels of emotional maturity and experience. It would be great if I could isolate a trend. I'm sure these men have found the rejection painful, but I have found rejecting them to be painful too.

This current one blows me away. I would never have guessed something like this would transpire between us. He is has been married, has raised children, has kept girlfriends for long stretches of time. We have talked endlessly about politics, religion, philosophy, psychology, mythology, and even sports, somethng neither of us knows much about, but he never shares much of what is truly personal, and truly individual and unique to himself with me, even though I have done so with him. We are not intimate. I admire him greatly, and am excited by his open, objective, and nerdy mind, but I do not feel close to him. He has never really let me in. In that respect, he is much different from all of the others before him. Most people seem compelled to tell me everything, and to share with me anything. Not he.

I did figure out how to deal with this. I remained non-committal, but continued to praise the writing over the last few days. I presented him with an opportunity to tell me it was written for someone else (even though we both know much of it directly references conversations we have recently had), and he took the out I offered. This permits us to remain acquainted, if he wants that. He seems to be avoiding me. I'll miss our long chats if he never speaks to me again, but I will understand if he finds contact to uncomfortable. Just figured you folks might like an update.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Short answer: they are learning. I don't think there's a way to stop people from falling in love with you besides being churlish. That's not something to do if you are fortunate enough to be friendly by nature.

Is there no experiential point where people have learned to avoid this particular circumstance?

 

[D_Gunther Snotpole]

Is there no experiential point where people have learned to avoid this particular circumstance?

Obviously, but that doesn't mean that a particular person has reached it.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I forgot to add that in general from all my experiences, men are particularly inept at communicating their feelings. It's just not valued or taught in most of our upbringing as boys - at least in my generation (I'm middle aged).

There is always a fuzzy line between attraction, infatuation and love as a relationship moves forward.

Maybe it was love at first sight! lol. You didn't have a chance to thwart it!

Maybe the lines do feel fuzzy for some people. I have a difficult time understanding, or even relating to that. For a very long time now, I have known the difference between those three. I can think of times when I have felt an intense infatuation, and had to keep reminding myself that the object was an inappropriate match. For example, I had a lover who was, at the time, a terrible father to his existing children, and a sworn life-long bachelor. However, he had a classically handsome face, a hot body, a sexy voice, a sharp mind, a good work ethic, a phenomenal sense of humor, the perfect blend of confidence and humility, he definitely knew how to make a woman feel like she was the only one in the world, even though he had many lovers at once, and he knew just how to use his cock. Those things, were incredibly attractive to me. The first time we had sex (which was during our first date), after we washed up, he held me close, and told me all of his darkest secrets and fears. The next day, we were in a horrible accident together. We needed to lean on each other to get through the stress and anguish of that experience. That accelerated, intense intimacy, combined with post-sex hormones (we had sex four times before the accident, and then another four or five times immediately after) made me have some very intense feelings for him. Still, I was able to sit and sort through them, and parse them out as just a huge crush, an infatuation. That was a long time ago.

I can't remember ever feeling like that, and mistaking it for anything else. It feels similar to me, but not the same. I have a very hard time grasping that it is so indistinguishable for some other people. It makes me think of something analogous. I have a friend who is able to distinguish between more shades of most colors than I can. When we were kids, she was frequently frustrated by my apparent inability to match these things. One day, she realized that it wasn't that I could not match like colors, but that she simply could see colors I could not see. Do you think perhaps love is like that? Are there some of us who simply cannot see all of the colors of emotion between attraction and love?

 

[AlteredEgo]

Obviously, but that doesn't mean that a particular person has reached it.

I suppose the real question is: Where is that point? It certainly isn't where I might have expected it to be for some people.

 

[D_Gunther Snotpole]

I suppose the real question is: Where is that point? It certainly isn't where I might have expected it to be for some people.

Well, it must have something to do with your signals, even if it's not conscious.
You must be signaling wants that you're not aware of (less likely, imo), or failing to understand the signals that some men (mistakenly) believe they're picking up in response to some tone or behavior you have.

I suspect your style of expressing warmth is easy to misinterpret.

Maybe you need a slight froideur in some aspect of your being even while you express warmth.

I know that sounds exactly wrong. But I think people manage to do it. They convey warmth while somehow implicitly denying certain permissions. A very subtle thing.

I suspect you're an exceptionally sexual being and something sexual is conveyed in your vibe without any thought or awareness of it. In many ways, probably most ways, this is a good thing ... but it has its downsides.

 

[Drifterwood]

I think it's a case of their projecting their wish-fulfillment. Your natural compassion and warmth to people makes you an obvious target. I have noticed you talking about how happy you are with your husband recently. Your personality gives a green light for deep friendship, the public strength of your bond with your husband should be the red light to the men who are drawn to you further.

 

[lafever]

What is attraction? It's wanting to obtain something or chase what we don't have but would most certainly like to. If what we are after becomes easy to get then the shine loses luster. But when it's hard or almost impossible to grab ahold of, now that sounds like a challenge worth drudging for.(It's not the destination but the journey that we live for.)
It has been my experience that we all want what we can't have, touch, or see, it's the driving force in the universe that propells us to reproduce.
Almost like when birds fly south for the winter or when the male bird flaunts his feathers while the female of the species knowingly ignores him. The difference in humans vs. birds is intuitively we know why we do things and yet we feel compelled to do it anyways.
Like when someone tells me to stay away from someone, well that just drives me to find out why.
Birds are lucky, they don't have a clue, yet they follow what drives them.
Although I think some people qualify for bird status, as ignorence seems to be bliss.
Anyways, I think people confuse attraction with love myself. It's not love, just the universe pulling at us and driving us so that we continue to exist.
Love is not something obtained but something we build over time. Atleast that's my spin on things, I hope this helps you and has not further confused what already seems daunting as that was not my intention.
Good luck with understanding people, I find that alot of my answers are hidden in plain site.
chris

 

[helgaleena]

If someone falls in love with you simply because you are so happy, it is NOT YOUR PROBLEM, AE! It is theirs. Don't let them threaten to kill themselves or other pressure which would diminish your happiness. They need to be better at love. Be compassionate but not in a way that hurts either of you. Tell them to get a dog?

 

[earllogjam]

One day, she realized that it wasn't that I could not match like colors, but that she simply could see colors I could not see. Do you think perhaps love is like that? Are there some of us who simply cannot see all of the colors of emotion between attraction and love?

I think some people know themselves better than others. It's a different kind of intelligence that we rarely talk about or even acknowledge.

For myself, love is more of an absolute. I can't be "kinda" in love with someone. Either I am or am not. It's so rare for me that honestly, I am most likely one of those color blind people you mention.

 

[Ramsey]

You mentioned previously that you have been open with the deeper parts of your personality and desires, but he has kept himself closed off. This sounds like a big factor, exposing your deeper self.

But all the talk of infatuation is quite potentially true too. And as far as external signals and whatnot to look for who likes who, or what, who knows who is infatuated with something or who likes what? You'd never tell that my girlfriend was into hunting and target shooting by looking at her.

 

[AlteredEgo]

But all the talk of infatuation is quite potentially true too. And as far as external signals and whatnot to look for who likes who, or what, who knows who is infatuated with something or who likes what? You'd never tell that my girlfriend was into hunting and target shooting by looking at her.

BUt I bet you can tell who she's interested in getting to know better. Hobbies are superficial. I'm not talking about interest, I'm talking about traits. Her love of hunting is almost completely irrelevant to what aspects of her character dictate how she approaches romantic interaction.

 

[willow78]

BUt I bet you can tell who she's interested in getting to know better. Hobbies are superficial. I'm not talking about interest, I'm talking about traits. Her love of hunting is almost completely irrelevant to what aspects of her character dictate how she approaches romantic interaction.

Maybe she uses her hunting and target shooting skills to 'get' men. :tongue:

 

[AlteredEgo]

Well, it must have something to do with your signals, even if it's not conscious.
You must be signaling wants that you're not aware of (less likely, imo), or failing to understand the signals that some men (mistakenly) believe they're picking up in response to some tone or behavior you have.

I know I've signaled attraction, but I didn't think that would be construed to mean anything more. I have admitted in this thread to having had a crush on this most recent admirer, and the same has been true with a couple in the past. It was my intention to keep my crush to myself, since I didn't actually want my relationships with those men to change. I just like flirting, and believe that many other people like to be on the receiving end of that kind of attention. What I have to figure out is how to know who cannot receive that kind of attention without reading anything more into it.

I suspect your style of expressing warmth is easy to misinterpret.

Maybe you need a slight froideur in some aspect of your being even while you express warmth.

I know that sounds exactly wrong. But I think people manage to do it. They convey warmth while somehow implicitly denying certain permissions. A very subtle thing.

That may have been too subtle an art for me in the past, but it shall have to be something I master in the future.

I suspect you're an exceptionally sexual being and something sexual is conveyed in your vibe without any thought or awareness of it. In many ways, probably most ways, this is a good thing ... but it has its downsides.

I agree with everything you've stated and supposed. I just need to sort out what it means fr my behavior going forward.

I think it's a case of their projecting their wish-fulfillment. Your natural compassion and warmth to people makes you an obvious target. I have noticed you talking about how happy you are with your husband recently. Your personality gives a green light for deep friendship, the public strength of your bond with your husband should be the red light to the men who are drawn to you further.

It should be a red light, but isn't always. That doesn't surprise me. My mother said to me of men, "Men always see the possibility, and sometimes only the possibility." She was talking about men who would want to fuck me though. She wasn't speaking of emotions. But I think this sort of thing starts with attraction of some kind, and sexual attraction can be, and usually is, expanded upon.

If someone falls in love with you simply because you are so happy, it is NOT YOUR PROBLEM, AE! It is theirs. Don't let them threaten to kill themselves or other pressure which would diminish your happiness. They need to be better at love. Be compassionate but not in a way that hurts either of you. Tell them to get a dog?

Oh! Thank you for that concern. I totally agree with you. No one has ever pressured me in that way, and if they did, I certainly wouldn't respond to that degree of selfishness with anything they would like. I just know what it feels like to summon the courage to be vulnerable with someone new, and I know how it feels to love someone and know for sure that they will never love you back. I empathize with a man who thinks he loves me and decides to tell me so. If we've been kind to each other, it huts me too when I hurt their feelings. That's all.

I think some people know themselves better than others. It's a different kind of intelligence that we rarely talk about or even acknowledge.

For myself, love is more of an absolute. I can't be "kinda" in love with someone. Either I am or am not. It's so rare for me that honestly, I am most likely one of those color blind people you mention.

No, I agree. There is no "kinda" in love. But there are many flavors of feelings between acquaintanceship or infatuation, and any kind of love.

 

[hardjohnson]

Hi AE.. good thread. I am dealing with a lot of misplaced love at the moment. people inappropriately fall in love with me all the time. men and women. even though I am completely up front about my situation and intentions. ( I am bi and unwilling to commit to a single gender. I am also very busy with work, college, and a 10 yr old daughter).

It is not your fault and not your problem (for the most part). Do not change who you are. The world needs more friendly, flirtatious, and happy people.

I wouldn't discount his feelings for you. Yes, its completely inappropriate from the way you describe the situation, and maybe he doesn't know what really being in love is, but he believes he is in love with you enough to pour his heart out on paper to you. that should be dealt with in a way that is sensitive but also clear and direct that you do not have the same feelings. Life is a learning experience for all of us.

What Im dealing with right now is a complete mind fuck for me. similar situation with a twist. My girlfriend and I had to split 2 weeks ago because we both fell in love with each other. makes no sense right? It started, and has always been an open 'friends with benefits' thing. been together 8 months and from the start it has been explosive and amazing sex. but much more than just sex, a true emotional connection. We have so much in common that we really could be 'soulmates'. The problem is that neither one of us can really deal with being in that kind of relationship right now. We have been in kind of a gray area the last couple months. Still a FWB on the surface but also in love with each other, without really acknowledging it. She started to be very hurtful to me while drinking, then feeling horrible about it when sobered up. seems to be her way of pushing me away because she is so afraid of falling in love. I'm scared of it also. long story short we barely even talk at this point and I am very sad about it and not sure what, if anything, can be be done to salvage it other than to give it time to cool off. Sometimes life makes no sense at all. I guess its another learning experience. If anyone has been in this situation I sure wouldn't mind hearing your thoughts.