headbang8
Admired Member
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amhersthungboi said:I agree with previous people, in that I feel like those guys who identify as "total tops" still experience internalized homophobia -- they feel as though if they become a bottom, then they lose their masculinity and truly are "gay", and therefore have to embrace all that goes with being gay (if there is anything). ...for me there is little else that is a bigger turn off than to hear a guy say "I'm a total top", especially since, in my experience, those are also the guys who don't kiss and don't suck. If you're going to have sex with a guy, actually have sex with the whole GUY, and don't treat him like he's just a hole.
I'm one of those total tops. Internalised homophobia? Maybe. My generation suffers no shortage of self-loathing queers. And I certainly loathe myself from time to time!
But I'm not so sure that it extends to the sex act. Rather, like many men and women, I'm equipped with a tin-can ass. It hurts, and I hate the pain. My partner(s) see it, and generally find pain during a pleasurable act a turn-off, as would I under the same circumstances.
So, we don't do anal very much. We're very oral. And to me, oral sex seems "gayer"; forcing us less into masculine/feminine, dominant/submissive roles. Active and passive moments mingle easily, and the whole thing feels fluid and spontaneous. As befits a relationship of equals.
amhersthungboi said:As far as the top/bottom dynamic in a relationship, it is my belief that a relationship is about give and take, and the ability to compromise and both bring each other pleasure. If one guy prefers bottoming and one prefers topping, and those are the usual positions, that's great, more power to them. But when one guy refuses to bottom, or refuses to top (refusing to bottom seems more often the case) then there is something seriously wrong with that relationship, in my opinion.
I was in a relationship with a total bottom, once. He was a noticeably effeminate man, though at 6'4", with a strappiing farm boy's build and an outgoing personality, you'd never perceive him as weak or submissive. A very demanding bottom, he certainly wasn't "just a hole".
Still, it disturbed me. He wasn't "just a hole", but he was only a hole. He had such strong sexual preferences...I felt like we were engaged in the act rather than engaged with each other.
At that point, I decided I didn't particularly care for effeminate men, even if, conveniently, they were total bottoms.
A tough decision, because you can read homophobia into it. But then, in my trying-to-be-straight days, I didn't much care for effeminate women, either.
One of the most satisfying parts of being gay, for me, is that every sexual encounter requires a bit of ingenuity, give-and-take, and creative compromise. Men like problem-solving.