Do women want to be stay at home mothers these days?

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by Jovial, Apr 6, 2008.

  1. Jovial

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    I know economics play a part of two-income families, but if it's economically possible to have the husband work and wife stay home with kids why don't couples do it? Is it the husband or the wife that wants the wife to work?

    I'm kind of old-fashioned and think it's best to have a parent at home full time raising the kids. I think that's best for the kids. Would a woman think I'm a jerk for wanting her to stay home, or would she think I'm great for working and providing for her so she can raise kids?
     
  2. whatireallywant

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    It depends on her.

    For me, I have always been VERY career-oriented, hate anything domestic, and I don't like kids! :eek:

    What I really don't like is the people who demand that ALL women should stay at home. Most of my relatives were this way. It's part of why I grew up wishing I was male. I had to get away from that community and get into a situation that was more suited to me to make peace.
     
  3. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    I'd do it.. if I could have a barn with horses and stuff.. It's important to have children and be stimulated while staying at home.
     
  4. HazelGod

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    It's an economic and lifestyle choice that affects your lives profoundly.

    When we bought our home five years ago, I was making quite a bit less than I am now and my wife was still in grad school. So we bought a home in the size and area we could comfortably afford for about the same we were paying in rent at the time. Which also included allowances for our lifestyle to include plenty of leisure activity and travel plans.

    In the ensuing years, I've been promoted and she's put her MBA to work in the ad industry...we're in a position now to afford 3x the house we live in, maybe more. But that's not our priority. We've chosen to bolster our savings and take a few pricier vacations...but that's it. The idea being, that when we decide it's time for children, she will quit working and be a stay-at-home mom for at least five years, perhaps more.

    So instead of living in the center of Austin, we're in a suburban neighborhood a few miles out in a modest home that's comfortable for the two of us. That's the choice we've made.
     
  5. SpeedoMike

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    I'll give you a hint:

    $$$ Rent
    $$$ Utilities
    $$$ Food
    $$$ Car payment
    $$$ Car insurance
    $$$ Gas
    $$$ Clothes
    $$$ Cat food
    $$$ Medicines
    $$$ Doctor visits
    $$$ Dentist and braces
    ----
    $$$ Lotta Money
     
  6. Principessa

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    You are so correct! It's easy for the children to become the center of your world. One of my best friends is a stay at home mom and she has a horse and a barn. :smile: I remember her life before the Arabian show horse (she does dressage). Her life wasn't bad; but she is much happier now. It's important no matter what you do to have balance. :cool:


    Sounds like a nice life. Too bad more people aren't as savvy about buying more house than they can afford. :cool:
     
  7. D_Prudence_Admonition_Drightits

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    I have the best of both worlds right now. I do work, but my job allows me to work at home the majority of the time. I like being able to have my own money. I have seen some stay at home women have to beg husbands for money. I like being able to have some purchasing power.

    Because I started my family late, I find it important to have my own identity. True I am "who's mom" but my world doesn't evolve solely on being just mommy/wife. I don't have to live my dream through my child. So when my nest is empty, I will still be me. I will not go through an identity crisis.
     
  8. snoozan

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    I chose to do it and my husband and I got married and set up our lives in such a way that I could. With that said, it's a hard thing to do. After three years, I'm ready to work more. I've been very lucky because I have a mother and a grandmother close by who are eager to help and I've been able to work on a part-time in my field basis the whole time, but it's still not easy.

    A lot of women make the choice to work because they have to. Many women make the choice to work because they think that have to for financial reasons. Most people want to live in big houses with new cars and be able to travel and buy whatever they want so they chose to have 2 people working when, if they pared down, they could live well but simply. Many women are career oriented and don't think having children should stop them or slow them down. I also know women who simply can't take being at home with children and would rather work. There are a lot of reasons women decide not to stay at home with their children.

    That's just for mothers. We haven't even mentioned stay-at-home fathers.
     
  9. whatireallywant

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    Yes, I think having your own money is very important. I've always wanted this. Although I never did want to be a stay at home mom. I've never wanted children, and I've always wanted a career outside of the home. (although now I simply want to be able to keep a job! :eek:)

    I see a lot more working at home kind of situations now though. I think that works out well for a lot of people. Sometimes I think that would work better for me as well, not because I want to "stay at home" but because I need peace and quiet in my work and home surroundings (which is a major factor in why I never wanted kids!) to be able to concentrate, and because of my extreme anxiety around other people.
     
  10. D_one and done

    D_one and done New Member

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    well i know this is a little off topic, but i would like to hear you guys' opinions on it.

    I am an avid cartoon watcher *please don't laugh lol* and for the first time in any cartoon I've ever watched, they had a family where the father stayed at home and took care of the house and kids while the mother went to work. (Johnny Test is the name of the show) I'm guessing that this is just a sign of changing times, as stay at home dads are becoming more common. What do you all think of the "stay at home dad?"

    lol well snoozan beat me too it :biggrin1:
     
  11. whatireallywant

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    This would be me...

    And thanks for mentioning stay-at-home fathers! That is happening increasingly as well. It makes sense if they want someone to be at home with the children, and the mother makes more money and/or is more career oriented than the father.
     
  12. Jovial

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    True. I see a lot of people that have two late model cars which costs a lot with monthly payments and insurance. If they had older cars they could save a lot. It doesn't make sense for the wife to work just to pay for the car to be able to drive to work.

    So what would a reasonable total income be to raise two kids in a decent neighborhood and live comfortably? $60,000? $100,000? $200,000?
    I know one guy (but not too well) that is a stay at home dad for the last 10 years. I think they like the setup, but I'm not sure since I don't know him that well.

    I know of another that was staying home because he couldn't find work. But he wasn't good at it, so they moved to somewhere where he could find a job, so she could stay home.

    If I had a wife that made more than me, then I wouldn't mind staying home to raise the kids. But I think most women would get more joy out of spending time with very young kids than I would, so I think it's more natural for the mother to stay home. (I may only believe that because that traditionally how it's been done.) I think the father's role is more important as the kids get older. But it's still important for the father to bond early with children so as they get older they are more comfortable around him.
     
  13. Principessa

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    If that's what works for them thats fine. I have no problem with it. However, I am old fashioned and would expect my husband to earn more than me regardless of whether or not I was staying at home.
     
  14. snoozan

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    But why? There are some fields that pay less than others and it has nothing to do with intelligence, amount of schooling, amount of dedication, etc. What if you were, for example, a doctor or lawyer? Would you not marry a schoolteacher or a professor? This seems like a rather arbitrary preference.
     
  15. whatireallywant

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    Agreed. It really pissed me off when girls in college said stuff like "A woman shouldn't make as much money as a man". :mad: There was one there though who said "It doesn't matter who makes the most money as long as you like what you are doing". That to me is the much better attitude to have about that (I may not have agreed with her on most other things, but I did agree with her on that particular statement).

    I only want a guy who makes more money than I do now because I'm poor. :biggrin1: If I was in my career field and had a steady job again, etc., it wouldn't matter to me which one of us made more money.

    I've tended to date guys who make less money than I do though - even when I'm not making much at all! :eek: Like the time I was making minimum wage working full time, and the guy I was dating made minimum wage working only 15 hours a week! And the guy I've been involved with the longest is now making only about $2500 a YEAR. (He would be homeless if he didn't have kind-hearted friends who help him out). Now, I don't really want that for an ideal relationship. I'd want someone who has a job, but if I become steadily employed and make what I should be making again, it wouldn't matter to me if he makes a little less than I do. (such as if I become a database administrator and date a guy who is a teacher, for example...)
     
  16. hypoc8

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    I know that this is a little off the topic but I've seen a couple of references to "my" money or "his" money. This is something that I have never understood in a marriage. IMO, it's suppose to be "our" money. When I was married we always had a joint account, and all the bills and extras were paid out of this account, there was no my & his to it, even when she stayed out of work when the kids were born or when she went back to school. I just don't get couples that this one pays this and the other pays for that, I thought you were suppose to as one.

    As far as the topic goes, as long as everyone wants to have everything now, since we seem to be such an instant society and we have to keep up to others, very few couples can afford to have a stay at home parent.
     
  17. whatireallywant

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    Ideally it would be "our" money, but I've seen too many cases where it is abused.

    I've thought about this actually, and what I'd prefer (of course, I'd have to get his opinion on the matter as well, since it would be OUR money :smile:) is that...

    we would both work outside of the home,

    we would have a joint account for the bills

    we would each have a separate account for personal purchases, that would only come from the money each of us made at our jobs; such as my account would be from money I made at my job, and his account would be from money he made at his job. That way, using a stereotype (which I generally hate, but it's what pops into my head) he can't get angry with me for spending "his" money on more shoes. (This is just an example, since I'm not as much a shoe person as some of the women on here).

    Fully half of what he earns and what I earn at our jobs would go into savings and investments - a contingency plan, in case one of us gets laid off, fired, or disabled. (I've seen this happen way too often, can you tell? Having had at least two friends I know of lose their homes due to foreclosure, for instance...) So, actually, we would in a way, be living on only one income, so to speak. (And of course, if the contingencies don't happen, that'll be a really nice nest egg for retirement!)
     
  18. Principessa

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    njqt466 kicks herself for posting in this thread; because she knew people would not understand her point of view and would give her shit about it. :12: grrrr

     
  19. Hippie Hollow Girl

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    The first question you asked....if it is ecomomically possible to have the husband work and wife saty home with kids....why don't couples do it? I am betting they don't do it because they have material possessions or things that they want to use the money for. And if the wife stayed home they wouldn't be able to afford whatever it was. Also the wife probably works if she has some skills that can bring in more than average wages. It really isn't worth it for the wife to work unless she makes considerably more than the babysitter or daycare costs.

    The 2nd question.....Is it the husband or the wife that wants the wife to work? It is probably a mutual decision. It would be a good idea to discuss this before a couple gets married.....so they can be on the same page.

    The 3rd question....Would a woman think you are a jerk for wanting her to stay home, or would she think you are great for working and providing so she could stay home and raise the kids? It would depend on the woman I am sure......Some women like to work.....Some women are career dedicated women. I think the important thing is to talk.....find someone that feels the same way you do. Or similiar.

    Personally speaking.....I love staying home with my kids. (but we don't actually stay at home) The only negative thing I have come across is that everyone else on my street and some in my neighborhood want free childcare from me. (this is why we don't stay at home all the time) I don't mind having some of the kids over some time.....but it does tend to get old after a certain amount of time. I feel like I need to get a day care license and start charging an hourly fee.

    It must be me though.....The last neighborhood we lived in I had the same exact problem. Mothers would just send their kids over to my house when they felt like they needed a break. It was a little irritating. I have never ever done anything like that. I never let my kids out of my sight.


    Anyways I like being a stay at home mom / domestic engineer.
     
  20. D_Ivana Dickenside

    D_Ivana Dickenside New Member

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    in my opinion, i'm very non-traditional so i don't think i could ever be a stay at home mom... that's if i ever decide to have children. it may sound selfish of me, but i would totally need a life outside of my family if i were to have children some day.

    i think if two people do decide to have children, they shouldn't have to sacrifice their careers to take care of their mini-mes (did i spell that right?). plus with the economy the way it is, it's very difficult to only have one income to provide for the household. however, the decision to be a stay at home mom is clearly up to the individauls to decide.
     
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