Do women want to be stay at home mothers these days?

[Jovial]

If that's what works for them thats fine. I have no problem with it. However, I am old fashioned and would expect my husband to earn more than me regardless of whether or not I was staying at home.

But why? There are some fields that pay less than others and it has nothing to do with intelligence, amount of schooling, amount of dedication, etc. What if you were, for example, a doctor or lawyer? Would you not marry a schoolteacher or a professor? This seems like a rather arbitrary preference.

I heard that more women get going in there careers in their 20's than men these days. A lot of guys slack off more in their 20's. But women want a man that makes at least as much as them. This results in a lack of "qualifying" available men. It's kind of like women wanting a man that's taller than them, and being tall is then a disadvantage for women. Having a good career hurts the woman's chances of finding the ideal man that makes more money. I suppose it doesn't matter too much if both are making above $100,000.

 

[Jovial]

I know that this is a little off the topic but I've seen a couple of references to "my" money or "his" money. This is something that I have never understood in a marriage. IMO, it's suppose to be "our" money. When I was married we always had a joint account, and all the bills and extras were paid out of this account, there was no my & his to it, even when she stayed out of work when the kids were born or when she went back to school. I just don't get couples that this one pays this and the other pays for that, I thought you were suppose to as one.

As far as the topic goes, as long as everyone wants to have everything now, since we seem to be such an instant society and we have to keep up to others, very few couples can afford to have a stay at home parent.

I know some couples where the husband works and the wife takes care of all the bills and money. The husband doesn't want to be bothered doing all this and is therefore clueless about it.

If I got married and my wife stayed home, one of my fears would be that she just spends the money on unnecessary things. Or that we had disagreements over the money. I'd hate to have to treat my wife like a child and only give her an allowance. Ideally, she would appreciate that the money comes from hard work and not just spend it arbitrarily. It would be nice to make enough money to not worry about it, but no matter how much someone makes, I'm sure there is another person that could spend it all.

 

[D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah]

Money permitting i do think if i have kids i would like to stay home for at least the first year or until they reach a reasonable ago for child care. However i also think there is a good possibility id go completely insane staying home 24/7 with a baby

 

[TinyPrincess]

I know economics play a part of two-income families, but if it's economically possible to have the husband work and wife stay home with kids why don't couples do it? Is it the husband or the wife that wants the wife to work?

I'm kind of old-fashioned and think it's best to have a parent at home full time raising the kids. I think that's best for the kids. Would a woman think I'm a jerk for wanting her to stay home, or would she think I'm great for working and providing for her so she can raise kids?

Well, my best male friend has been a stay at home dad for the last four years, and he really seems to enjoy it. He doesn't miss working and as you I guess he's kind of old-fashioned. At least the children seems to enjoy having him at home raising them.

 

[B_Halliefreak]

I know economics play a part of two-income families, but if it's economically possible to have the husband work and wife stay home with kids why don't couples do it? Is it the husband or the wife that wants the wife to work?

I'm kind of old-fashioned and think it's best to have a parent at home full time raising the kids. I think that's best for the kids. Would a woman think I'm a jerk for wanting her to stay home, or would she think I'm great for working and providing for her so she can raise kids?

I would love to be a stay at home mom. If he makes enough money, great. I just think the way your worded it comes off a bit mean...personally I'd probably want like a part-time job once the kids are in school (like 4th grade). I hope I marry a guy who would make me so lucky!!!!!

 

[lttlgrllst]

I have been a stay at home mom for the last 10 years. I wouldn't have it any other way. It was a choice we made when we decided to have children. There are sacrifices we make, we don't drive new cars, don't take as many vacations.
It's a personal choice but one that was right for us. I couldn't even begin to think of sending my children to a daycare but that's just my opinion.
The subject of money (his/hers/ours) was brought up in this thread. That can be a problem, not so much the lack of but more of the person earning the money can start to have the attitude that it is their money. I want to be equal partners in a relationship not feel like one of the children.
I would say definitely talk to any future Mrs. Jovial about this. A lot of women are not going to want to stay home with the children. If it's that important to you it could be a deal breaker for her.

 

[ZOS23xy]

My wife works, and it is her inclination. A stay at home Mom isn't so bad if she is interested in the kids, educating them and teaching them, and not letting them drift off into a TV set. A lot of people don't seem to deal properly with interacting with young minds, and won't know how to shape them properly.

My Mom, for a while, just drifted into booze and spent a lot of time sleeping it off. I suspect she'd be different if she hadn't decided to be a stay at home mom.

She did her best, and she woke up and grew up as time went along. I kind of suspected something was awkward for my parents, perhaps to the idea, when they got married, they really didn't know any better, and were learning about themselves and the kids at the same time.

 

[snoozan]

I would have no problem if both of us worked. If my husband lost his job or had to quit, I would be the sole bread winner. But I am not the type of woman that could be happy in the long term, with hubby at home, with the children; and me working full-time. It's just not who I am.

This I understand. What I didn't understand was the first statement you made which seemed quite different (and yes, arbitrary).

If that's what works for them thats fine. I have no problem with it. However, I am old fashioned and would expect my husband to earn more than me regardless of whether or not I was staying at home.

I have my reasons, but I don't think I could be the sole breadwinner in our family right now. Part of it is economic, but part of it is that I don't know if I could handle the stress of having to provide the way my husband does. I see how much it stresses him out, and I love him and respect him for doing something I am terrified of doing myself. I also know that most likely my income from what I do won't make more than he can for years, if ever. There are also some other intangibles that would make it hard for me, and in that was I think I know what you mean by "old fashioned." Eventually I am going to try to send my husband to school full time, so we'll have to have savings and my job to take care of us. I know that's going to be difficult for me.

If you look at the history of the white woman in America it is vastly different from that of the black or hispanic woman in America. For one thing if you were middle class or better you probably had a black or hispanic woman who came to your home at the crack of dawn and cooked the meals for your family and took care of your children while you went to garden club meetings and played bridge. I am not saying that is how you were reared. I bare no ill will to people for whom this was the norm.

I know a lot about this, actually. I took a lot of women's history classes from Myra Armstead who taught about this subject expensively. The breadth of her knowledge on women's history and specifically black women's history was staggering.

In my family, my mother always worked. When we were young she worked for my father and when we started school she worked for my father and drove a schoolbus. I think it was more for her sanity and needing benefits than actually needing money. My parents were raised dirt poor and were middle class most of my childhood. Our family never really fit in with the bridge-and-tea set.

Anytime there was something like a little play or something that went on during the day at school I was the only kid who didn't have a mom to show up in the audience. :frown1: It's silly the things we remember isn't it.

I was the only one whose mom or dad never chaperoned field trips and bought lunch every day at the cafeteria. If my father could sneak out of his store, he usually came to my school functions.

I'm not sure when it was that I decided, that when I married and had kids I would stay home with them at least until 2nd grade.

It took me until I was in my 20s and married to figure that out. With my career, I can work now and work full time eventually when my son goes to kindergarten, possibly sooner if I'm crazy enough to try.

The other thing which you probably don't know about is that it has always been easier for black women than for black men to obtain decent employment in this country. Culturally I am opposed to the image of my husband lazing about the house whilst I am busting my butt everyday working for the man.

:tongue:

Yes, I do know that, and I understand your position from that viewpoint. I don't think most people know this fact.

Money permitting i do think if i have kids i would like to stay home for at least the first year or until they reach a reasonable ago for child care. However i also think there is a good possibility id go completely insane staying home 24/7 with a baby

It will drive you insane, but it's worth it. I have a mother and grandmother who have taken my son since he was small 1-2 days a week for a few hours. I've also been able to work since my job is mostly done on Saturdays. That's really helped.

In my mind, there's a point where staying at home isn't as necessary-- if your child is in school all day, why not work or go to school or do something enriching for yourself? One of the hardest things as a stay-at-home mom is that it's all consuming. I don't get to talk to adults that much and I'm not into playdates where we talk about our kids' last bowel movements all the time.

I'm not exactly a domestic person anyway, and it's been very hard. I really want to start making some serious headway in running my business after my son starts going to preschool.

 

[Drifterwood]

I'll be a stay at home dad for any lady earning $1M + per year.

Please apply with videos. :biggrin1:

On a more serious note, I do wonder if our societies have been engineered to mean that it is very tough to be a stay at home parent with a single average income.

 

[D_Fiona_Farvel]

NJ makes some great points about groups of women who have traditionally always worked. :grinning-smiley-003

Every woman in my family worked after marriage, worked while raising kids, and most still work. Typically, we have family, usually grand parents, step in and provide the childcare while the parents are working, so I would continue that practice. But there is no way I would stay at home and forgo that extra income and example of individual independence beyond six to twelve months, even if I could afford it.

 

[D_Prudence_Admonition_Drightits]

Thank you for bringing up this point NJ. Work outside the home is all the women of my family have ever known through the generations. Just beginning with my mom's generation did we break the maid service type work.

My great grandmother worked, my grandmother worked, my mom worked, and now I work. So it was strange to go to my white friends house and see their mothers at home. As I became a teenager did I begin to see some white moms working. Then some were made to feel guilty about it. That has never been a huge issue in our African American culture.

I think it is also wrong to assume that just because a mother works outside the home, the children will not be well taken care of and will not grow up to be productive citizens of society.

​

The answer is complex and it also depends not just on a persons socio-economic level but their ethnicity and culture.

My best friend, is 56 and a white female this is of key importance. She and I have had many arguments about this exact topic. She came of age when women were burning their bras and fighting for equal rights. Rights black women already had because we'd been working for over 200 years. White women did not start working en masse in this country until the late 1960's. Whereas Black women have been working mothers since we were bought here in chains 400 years ago. No, I'm not going to rant about slavery. :biggrin1:

If you look at the history of the white woman in America it is vastly different from that of the black or hispanic woman in America.

 

[ZOS23xy]

I'll be a stay at home dad for any lady earning $1M + per year.

Please apply with videos. :biggrin1:

On a more serious note, I do wonder if our societies have been engineered to mean that it is very tough to be a stay at home parent with a single average income.

I agree with your idea, I think my inclination and form is better suited to raising kids full time than my wife's.

The single breadwinner family is probably the reason for the large increase of drunken housewives (or those that use prescription medication a LOT), where they can't take care of the kids because they're "not there".

 

[HazelGod]

On a more serious note, I do wonder if our societies have been engineered to mean that it is very tough to be a stay at home parent with a single average income.

Absolutely. The culture of consumerism has become so pervasive to the point of being ridiculous.

I cringe whenever I hear some pundit yammering about how it's "necessary" for both people in a household to have incomes just to get by. That's crap. People choose to live in a manner that necessitates it...the size and location of the home they buy, the cars they drive, the toys they buy, etc.

Fiscal responsibility is practically unknown to most people entering the real world, as evidenced by the fact that so many are leveraged to their eyeballs...and unless / until there's some cultural shift away from hyperconsumerism, that's unlikely to change anytime soon.

 

[D_Fiona_Farvel]

Absolutely. The culture of consumerism has become so pervasive to the point of being ridiculous.

I cringe whenever I hear some pundit yammering about how it's "necessary" for both people in a household to have incomes just to get by. That's crap. People choose to live in a manner that necessitates it...the size and location of the home they buy, the cars they drive, the toys they buy, etc.

Fiscal responsibility is practically unknown to most people entering the real world, as evidenced by the fact that so many are leveraged to their eyeballs...and unless / until there's some cultural shift away from hyperconsumerism, that's unlikely to change anytime soon.

Ok, and then there are people like one of my closest friends who do need two incomes to just make it. She's in IT, works 60-80 hours a week and on call 24 hours a day, he is a medical Dr., together they make just over 200k a year. However, they have 3 kids, a toddler and surprise twins who are 1 (they aren't having anymore). They bought a house about 6 years ago, before prices were crazy, but it still isn't cheap as they live in California. The husband has several hundred thousand in student loans, and she has about 25k from undergrad and grad, both have to be repaid. And then there's saving for retirement, his insurance, child care costs, putting money away for the kids education, gas prices, utility costs, basic food costs, etc.

Yes, there is an issue with consumer society. But, for many one income will not do for a whole family and splurging on non-necessities, "I'll just put it on a credit card" behavior has nothing to do with it.

 

[Jovial]

I would love to be a stay at home mom. If he makes enough money, great. I just think the way your worded it comes off a bit mean...personally I'd probably want like a part-time job once the kids are in school (like 4th grade). I hope I marry a guy who would make me so lucky!!!!!

I'm not sure how I came across mean. I wouldn't want to force anyone to do something they don't want to do. And I don't want a wife to stay home for my own benefit. I just want what's best for the kids, and I am willing to make personal sacrifices also.

I would say definitely talk to any future Mrs. Jovial about this. A lot of women are not going to want to stay home with the children. If it's that important to you it could be a deal breaker for her.

Thanks for your comments. That's what I'm trying to figure out, whether women want to stay home or not. Seems like some do and some don't. I'm not sure, are women scared to talk about family and stuff with guys they just started dating because they don't want to scare them off?

NJ makes some great points about groups of women who have traditionally always worked. :grinning-smiley-003

Every woman in my family worked after marriage, worked while raising kids, and most still work. Typically, we have family, usually grand parents, step in and provide the childcare while the parents are working, so I would continue that practice. But there is no way I would stay at home and forgo that extra income and example of individual independence beyond six to twelve months, even if I could afford it.

I don't think a 1 year old child needs an example of individual independence at that age. It's great if a couple has relatives that can help out with child care and special situations. Not everyone is so lucky.

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And while I say I'm old-fashioned about wanting to have a parent at home to raise the kids, I also realize that doing that 24/7 can drive someone crazy. It's good to have adult interactions sometimes. Some ideas would be to take night classes a few times a week, or exercise/yoga classes, do some volunteer work or group activity, or get together with other families occasionally. I'm all for keeping things balanced and long-term sanity. I would want my wife's life to be enjoyable.

I don't like what njqt466 said about having to go to school sick because her mother didn't want to take off work. I remember a girl in elementary school that would have to come to school sick because her mother couldn't take off from work.

But, yes, as the kids get older (like 12+) I think the stay at home parent should work more if they want to.

It's funny, I'm not the type of person that needs to go out a lot, have a new car, buy nice clothes or a lot of luxury items to be happy. I would think these would be good qualities in a man if a woman wants to have a family. But it seems like women are looking for the guy that spends all his money on luxuries, like to go out a lot, etc. Probably the exact qualities that would not make him a good family man.

 

[D_Fiona_Farvel]

I don't think a 1 year old child needs an example of individual independence at that age. It's great if a couple has relatives that can help out with child care and special situations. Not everyone is so lucky.

At one? No.
However, to provide an example of independence I would have to be working. It is not easy too jump in and out of the job market at will. Therefore I would have to maintain continuous employment in my field, or in research, or policy to remain competitive in my field. :smile:

 

[Mushroom Maniac]

I know economics play a part of two-income families, but if it's economically possible to have the husband work and wife stay home with kids why don't couples do it? Is it the husband or the wife that wants the wife to work?

I'm kind of old-fashioned and think it's best to have a parent at home full time raising the kids. I think that's best for the kids. Would a woman think I'm a jerk for wanting her to stay home, or would she think I'm great for working and providing for her so she can raise kids?

Where in California do you live? Are you single? Would they have to be your kids? :biggrin1:

Seriously, though, children are only children for such a short time that any opportunity for either parent to stay home and take care of his/her own kids should be jumped on!

 

[Hippie Hollow Girl]

I just read NJQT's last post. I understand where she is coming from.

When I was growing up my mother taught school (high school) and it was her life's dream to teach. It was back in a time when she was looked down at for being so selfish and wanting to work outside of the home instead of staying home with me and my brother. The old mentality of why do you want to have kids if you are not going to stay home with them abounded. My dad's parents and family gave my parents a hard time. Predicting that my parents union would end up in divorce because my mother worked outside the home. Personally, I think my dad was pretty smart not listening to his parents.....letting my mom do what made her happy. And he is reaping the benefits of it now....My parents are able to travel and pretty much do anything they want to do in their golden years.

I do understand what NJ meant about never having a parent at the school for my special things that I had going on at school. (School plays, band concerts, etc.....) And maybe that is why I haven't missed any of my kids special events......I may be over compensating for things I felt like I missed out on.

I am just glad that I have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. I am glad that my husband has the old fashioned views that he has and that he is willing to work as hard as he does to allow me the priviledge of getting to stay at home and just focus on our household. And it also allows me time to be involved in volunteer organizations and activities.

If the time ever comes when my husband needs me to work outside the home......I have no problems doing that.

I am just really glad that I have had a choice. It has made everything a lot easier.

I don't know what I would have done if I had had to work after I had my son. He had some major issues. He couldn't keep food down for 3 years. I had him tested for everything under the sun. We had dr. appointments, physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech pathologists and nutritionists all coming to my house like twice a week. I had no idea if my child was going to be able to go to school like a normal child. This year he is in Kindgergarten and his teacher has given me some negative feedback a few times through out the year and I just take what she says with a grain of salt. I waited until my son was 6 to send him to school. The teacher thinks I might need to hold him back another year because he is a little behind on the social and emotional level. But he is right where he needs to be accademically. I know that the only thing that will help with the emotional is time.......and the social with his peers will be practice......so I provide opportunities for him to practice his social skills with his male peers by organized play groups. (Which takes a lot of time and effort on my part)

Anyways, it appears that things work out somehow.

 

[Jovial]

Ok, and then there are people like one of my closest friends who do need two incomes to just make it. She's in IT, works 60-80 hours a week and on call 24 hours a day, he is a medical Dr., together they make just over 200k a year. However, they have 3 kids, a toddler and surprise twins who are 1 (they aren't having anymore). They bought a house about 6 years ago, before prices were crazy, but it still isn't cheap as they live in California. The husband has several hundred thousand in student loans, and she has about 25k from undergrad and grad, both have to be repaid. And then there's saving for retirement, his insurance, child care costs, putting money away for the kids education, gas prices, utility costs, basic food costs, etc.

Yes, there is an issue with consumer society. But, for many one income will not do for a whole family and splurging on non-necessities, "I'll just put it on a credit card" behavior has nothing to do with it.

What good is a 100k+ income if you needed several hundred thousand in student loans to get that? It doesn't make sense to me. But what I don't understand is why they had kids if they couldn't afford them. Your friends may need two incomes to raise three kids, but it was their choice to have those kids.

I saw a TV program talking about minimum wage a few years ago. The one couple had four kids and they were complaining that they couldn't get by on minimum wage. Well who ever said they were supposed to be able to afford kids at that income level?! If someone bought a $80k car and made $20k income, we'd think they were stupid for thinking they could afford that car. But for some reason people have kids, then complain that they can't afford to raise them.

 

[D_Fiona_Farvel]

What good is a 100k+ income if you needed several hundred thousand in student loans to get that? It doesn't make sense to me. But what I don't understand is why they had kids if they couldn't afford them. Your friends may need two incomes to raise three kids, but it was their choice to have those kids.

I saw a TV program talking about minimum wage a few years ago. The one couple had four kids and they were complaining that they couldn't get by on minimum wage. Well who ever said they were supposed to be able to afford kids at that income level?! If someone bought a $80k car and made $20k income, we'd think they were stupid for thinking they could afford that car. But for some reason people have kids, then complain that they can't afford to raise them.

They had kids because it was time for them to have children. It is not my place to decide the income guidelines or any other guidelines for people to reproduce - they do so at will or by mistake.

She is by no means struggling, however, the ability to save, pay off school loans quickly, and live comfortably demands two incomes. The school loans will be paid in the next few years, by the time the twins are in elementary school. The husband will make more as he gains more patients and better contracts, however his insurance costs may also go up. They are fine, but need two incomes.

As I stated previously, this is the norm for many people and has been for a long time. Those who had the luxury of staying home, or lived on a level above subsistence on one income where fortunate - not all live that way.