Do you ever look back at relationships?

[kayman]

I've lived and learned from those piss-poor pairings of my past. Some of those guys have learned to forgive and allow amends, but one in particular I have refused to deal with ever again because of their psychological destructiveness to himself and others.

 

[Pecker Check]

We’re so often told we should “let go” of the past. Maybe some people can, I can’t. At least I can’t always do it. I’ve just made a little list. In the past half century or so I’ve been in some kind of a love relationship with 11 people. The first may have been the most powerful. It was our senior year in college. He and I suddenly got very close when President Kennedy was assassinated. Our close daily relationship only lasted from late that November until he left school in February. It was not a sexual relationship, although I had confirmation years later that he’d have been content if it had been. The entire second semester of my senior year I was a basket case grieving this loss. (He had gone into the Peace Corps and was on the other side of the world.)
Then I went into the Peace Corps myself and went to a very different location from his. I married a woman who was a fellow volunteer--thinking that would save me from my homosexual temptations. Our marriage lasted 7 years, and we had two children. Finally, in graduate school, I moved out and (at least partially) came out. That began a progression of at least seven relationships (the majority of which were live-in). They lasted 3 mos., 6 mos., 2 yrs., 4 years., 6 mos., 2 yrs., and 1 yr., respectively.)
Then I worked overseas for a couple of years under conditions that were not conducive to a gay life-style (in Saudi Arabia). After coming home I committed to a relationship that lasted 8 years. We had an “agreement” that either would let the other know if he were to become involved in any feelings/temptations that would threaten our relationship. He let me know after he had taken up with someone else--and that was the end of that.
I have now been with a wonderful man whom I’ve loved and valued for going on 18 years.
What have I learned, and where/how have I learned it? I’m not always sure. Experience assures me that while what we have is wonderful, it takes good will and work to maintain. Was I able to find this man because I had become more receptive to the sort of mate who would really work for and with me? I suspect there must be something in that.
But I also know that thoughts about others in my past can sneak up on me when I least expect it. And things that happened long ago can still make me pleased or angry. I don’t think there is any way for me to turn off my memories. That "8-year person," incidentally, told me when he left that when he walks away from something it is forever gone from his memory. As we have absolutely no contact, I can’t say whether that really is true for him. Still, I’d rather be me. And, by the way, my thoughts about him have tapered off to the point where they are few, far between, and not at all upsetting.

 

[D_Sal_Manilla]

We’re so often told we should “let go” of the past. Maybe some people can, I can’t. At least I can’t always do it. I’ve just made a little list. In the past half century or so I’ve been in some kind of a love relationship with 11 people. The first may have been the most powerful. It was our senior year in college. He and I suddenly got very close when President Kennedy was assassinated. Our close daily relationship only lasted from late that November until he left school in February. It was not a sexual relationship, although I had confirmation years later that he’d have been content if it had been. The entire second semester of my senior year I was a basket case grieving this loss. (He had gone into the Peace Corps and was on the other side of the world.)
Then I went into the Peace Corps myself and went to a very different location from his. I married a woman who was a fellow volunteer--thinking that would save me from my homosexual temptations. Our marriage lasted 7 years, and we had two children. Finally, in graduate school, I moved out and (at least partially) came out. That began a progression of at least seven relationships (the majority of which were live-in). They lasted 3 mos., 6 mos., 2 yrs., 4 years., 6 mos., 2 yrs., and 1 yr., respectively.)
Then I worked overseas for a couple of years under conditions that were not conducive to a gay life-style (in Saudi Arabia). After coming home I committed to a relationship that lasted 8 years. We had an “agreement” that either would let the other know if he were to become involved in any feelings/temptations that would threaten our relationship. He let me know after he had taken up with someone else--and that was the end of that.
I have now been with a wonderful man whom I’ve loved and valued for going on 18 years.
What have I learned, and where/how have I learned it? I’m not always sure. Experience assures me that while what we have is wonderful, it takes good will and work to maintain. Was I able to find this man because I had become more receptive to the sort of mate who would really work for and with me? I suspect there must be something in that.
But I also know that thoughts about others in my past can sneak up on me when I least expect it. And things that happened long ago can still make me pleased or angry. I don’t think there is any way for me to turn off my memories. That "8-year person," incidentally, told me when he left that when he walks away from something it is forever gone from his memory. As we have absolutely no contact, I can’t say whether that really is true for him. Still, I’d rather be me. And, by the way, my thoughts about him have tapered off to the point where they are few, far between, and not at all upsetting.

very moving response.

 

[surprise]

We’re so often told we should “let go” of the past. Maybe some people can, I can’t. At least I can’t always do it. I’ve just made a little list. In the past half century or so I’ve been in some kind of a love relationship with 11 people. The first may have been the most powerful. It was our senior year in college. He and I suddenly got very close when President Kennedy was assassinated. Our close daily relationship only lasted from late that November until he left school in February. It was not a sexual relationship, although I had confirmation years later that he’d have been content if it had been. The entire second semester of my senior year I was a basket case grieving this loss. (He had gone into the Peace Corps and was on the other side of the world.)
Then I went into the Peace Corps myself and went to a very different location from his. I married a woman who was a fellow volunteer--thinking that would save me from my homosexual temptations. Our marriage lasted 7 years, and we had two children. Finally, in graduate school, I moved out and (at least partially) came out. That began a progression of at least seven relationships (the majority of which were live-in). They lasted 3 mos., 6 mos., 2 yrs., 4 years., 6 mos., 2 yrs., and 1 yr., respectively.)
Then I worked overseas for a couple of years under conditions that were not conducive to a gay life-style (in Saudi Arabia). After coming home I committed to a relationship that lasted 8 years. We had an “agreement” that either would let the other know if he were to become involved in any feelings/temptations that would threaten our relationship. He let me know after he had taken up with someone else--and that was the end of that.
I have now been with a wonderful man whom I’ve loved and valued for going on 18 years.
What have I learned, and where/how have I learned it? I’m not always sure. Experience assures me that while what we have is wonderful, it takes good will and work to maintain. Was I able to find this man because I had become more receptive to the sort of mate who would really work for and with me? I suspect there must be something in that.
But I also know that thoughts about others in my past can sneak up on me when I least expect it. And things that happened long ago can still make me pleased or angry. I don’t think there is any way for me to turn off my memories. That "8-year person," incidentally, told me when he left that when he walks away from something it is forever gone from his memory. As we have absolutely no contact, I can’t say whether that really is true for him. Still, I’d rather be me. And, by the way, my thoughts about him have tapered off to the point where they are few, far between, and not at all upsetting.

I agree with you. Each person I've had been in a relationship with has taught me something new about myself, people in general and what I'd like to get from the relationship. After one, I thought I'd never love again, then someone slipped in under the radar when I was least expecting it and he changed my live forever, in both good and bad ways. Out of all it, I've become who I am today and if I hadn't had those experiences I doubt I'd be where I am. I'm single, happy and have learned to keep my heart open for whatever may come in the future.

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

I look back all the time on all aspects of my life, and new revelations hit me every now and then but it's involuntary, I get random flashes of the past and I evaluate them wether it's memories of my dad or a past lover.

Every time this happens, I find new things to learn from and I improve, even dating back to my childish highschool girlfriends I learn from past experiences evaluating my own and their behaviour.

I think it has become second nature to re-create a lot of what-if scenario's even in my dreams.

 

[Smaccoms]

Romantic relationships, like all other serious relationships become a part of who we are. Forgetting them is like forgetting who we are and how we've come to be.

I believe it's healthy to spend time considering our past serious relationships. How else are we going to make sure we don't repeat the same mistakes, and grow from that experience (rather than decay)? Life is life; it moves on whether we like it or not. We must learn how to move with it, or be lost in the fray.

 

[upone]

Oh, and a lot of older people are total dumbasses when they give advice to teenagers because they can't see beyond stereotypes and their own regrets. Don't let other people dismiss your feelings or experiences. I remember quite vividly how terrible the advice given to me and my first love by older people who said terrible things like we ought to not be together because people our age should be single and dating around because there are so many fish in the sea, and other stupid cliches. I'm in my mid-thirties now and I'd go back in time and slap each one if I could.

Your feelings and experiences aren't less than mine because you're younger and less experienced, so don't let anyone condescend to you.

I am in my mid-sixties, and I think that is really great advice. I have a lot of exes, and I think about each of them from time to time. I even see a few of them from time to time, but it's part of learning, not some destination. But the most important rule is from Finnian's Rainbow: When I'm not with the girl I love, I love the girl I'm with.

 

[Unnamed]

its as normal as relationships themselves. just remember to move on. dont live in the past.