Do you get frustrated and hopless when you see so many guys in open relationships on dating apps?

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deleted1074483

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no not at all and I try not to judge. stick to your guns, pass those guys by and keep open to the other guys that are on there, they do exist.

Also make sure you're using all the other opportunities not just a virtual look for love - join groups, get involved with charities etc (esp linked to LGBT as you're likely to find likeminded guys there).

But do remember you're a handsome guy and someone will be very lucky to find you and be your partner. Good luck
 
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Nudistpig

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Do you feel hopeless in finding love or a monogamous relationship whenever you're on a dating app and you see so many gay guys who are "married", "in a relationship" or "open relationship"?

Just curious.

It's strange. Why would the presence of people who are honest about their inability to conform to certain ideas of love and sex as well as those who are in the model you seem to hold in esteem on possibly the worst place to look for a long term relationship in the entire world make you upset? One, the profiles are contrivances. They don't represent true pictures of the owners, never have, never will. If you are looking for monogamy and the kind of commitment that faith communities say they have, why not search in those places?

One doesn't find love. One enacts it in as many aspects of life that one can. The love you give will return to you one day and this has nothing to do with the internet or the perceived moral failings of the community. You are responsible for the love you give. You also don't find monogamy. You build it. And you have decided that there are disqualifying features to these men.

So my question is then why are you looking where you have already decided there is no hope for that which you have predetermined is not there? It's not hopeless. You have a set of criteria that exclude most of the folks in the club. 50% of straight marriages fall apart. It's not gay men being slutty or any other sex panic based concern. It's expecting the commercial dating world to offer you a kind of person the app can't market really.

If you aren't making the change and space you need to find the love you want then you're not going to get it. It's that simple.
 

kr8zy

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Is the hopelessness based around there not being anyone for you, or discouragement that everyone seems to be in an open relationship?

If the first, remember that there is one person out there just for you. there are a LOT of people out there NOT for you. It takes time to weed through all of that other stuff in the way. Remember it is always going to be no, no, no, ... no, YES, not the other way around.

If the later, maybe you need to explore different apps and places. That pond has already been fished. Don't go into it with the idea that you are finding someone to go out with on a date. Go into it with the idea of building up a network of friends, that will eventually be the ones to help you find the perfect someone.
 

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50% of straight marriages fall apart. It's not gay men being slutty or any other sex panic based concern.

I agree. I suspect that gay men are just more open/honest about the nature of their relationships than straight people are. I know I'm oversimplifying, but you get my point, I hope.

My boyfriend made very clear before we became serious that he regards love and sex as being separate. I play around on occasion but I always make clear that I've no interest in dating/romance/love because I've already found that. Even my Grindr profile says that.

I know a lot of couples like that. An example would be on guy is an exclusive bottom and his partner is 90% top and the top has been told to go out and have fun when he wants his 10% itch scratched.
 
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Do you feel hopeless in finding love or a monogamous relationship whenever you're on a dating app and you see so many gay guys who are "married", "in a relationship" or "open relationship"?

Just curious.
Good question.

Personally, as someone who would only engage in a monogamous relationship, I can answer yes to the part about finding a monogamous relationship.

I don’t judge those who do open relationships but the idea of knowing my boyfriend/partner has been out sucking, fucking, rimming etc another guy and then coming home to kiss and lay with me makes my skin crawl. It’s not for me.

I am noticing that more and more open relationships are appearing online these days as it seems to be becoming quite the norm amongst gay men.
 

Nudistpig

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I agree. I suspect that gay men are just more open/honest about the nature of their relationships than straight people are. I know I'm oversimplifying, but you get my point, I hope.

My boyfriend made very clear before we became serious that he regards love and sex as being separate. I play around on occasion but I always make clear that I've no interest in dating/romance/love because I've already found that. Even my Grindr profile says that.

I know a lot of couples like that. An example would be on guy is an exclusive bottom and his partner is 90% top and the top has been told to go out and have fun when he wants his 10% itch scratched.

I made a decision over the last three years that is profound for me. Sex and love were always somewhat separate. Relat Bionships were hard. So now I don't have sex without some love there, one person at the moment at least;. I will love all my friends and fucks from here on out. It's an additive process.
 

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Good question.

Personally, as someone who would only engage in a monogamous relationship, I can answer yes to the part about finding a monogamous relationship.

I don’t judge those who do open relationships but the idea of knowing my boyfriend/partner has been out sucking, fucking, rimming etc another guy and then coming home to kiss and lay with me makes my skin crawl. It’s not for me.

I am noticing that more and more open relationships are appearing online these days as it seems to be becoming quite the norm amongst gay men.

One caveat, correlating the open identification of something on dating apps isn't any indication that thing is becoming more popular. It's an indication writing about it was popular. Before marriage equality, none of use were getting married and that was the norm. I study the stats that are there, and the trend isn't away from marriage, it is towards it. Keep in mind the guys who are disclosing up front on apps are married men who are not lying about their relationships. This is an improvement.Keep in mind too that these appearances are only of married men who like to cruise for sex. What appears like a spike in new behavior is actually socially responsible naming of a way of gay that was long before. The best part of these apps for you is that you don't ever need to see them again as you found your man.
 

Auggiecakes

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Do you feel hopeless in finding love or a monogamous relationship whenever you're on a dating app and you see so many gay guys who are "married", "in a relationship" or "open relationship"?

Just curious.

My gay roommate who is in his late 40’s doesn’t believe that gay men can have a monogamous relationships. He is the kindest person I know so it’s hard to discredit him.

I want to believe but it’s hard when I’ve had so many guys hit on me that are in relationships, open or not. And then the single men don’t want relationships.

Anyways I’d decided that I’m gonna be celibate until I find a relationship.




I’ll be honest that I often fantasize about having a husband I get to have sed with regularly. I’m such a love suck bottom but that’s just me. I know what love it about. My parents have been married for almost 40 years now. I’ve seen them fight and argue and work things out. And I didn’t realize until I was older that I’m happy my parents have an active sex life. I found my dads viagra once. Lol I want what they found in each other but maybe there is truth to what my roommate said. Idk
 

aaronyr1028

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My boyfriend told me it was okay if I want to have sex with other guys or girls one year ago, just remember to come back to him.

As an Asian guy with deep rooted monogamy thinking (my boyfriend is french ) , at first I didnt understand why he said that. And I suspected it is because he wanted to go out having fun so he wanted me to do it first then he would not have any sense of guilt since I would be the one to slepp with other people first....

"Freedom" at least I thought this was what it is, I went into gay bars, saunas and having parties with others, for a month I slept with dozens of guys in our Europe trip, he just stayed in our hotel and told me to stay safe, don't retun to late, remember to use condoms und all that.

In the end of the trip, he told me that he didn't want me to be chained in our relationships. So he would give me enough space and the right to choose staying or leaving. Meat fun is not his priority any more since we are together.

I have to say, the flesh desire is still very strong in me but I haven't had sex with others since then.
 
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My gay roommate who is in his late 40’s doesn’t believe that gay men can have a monogamous relationships. He is the kindest person I know so it’s hard to discredit him.

I want to believe but it’s hard when I’ve had so many guys hit on me that are in relationships, open or not. And then the single men don’t want relationships.

Anyways I’d decided that I’m gonna be celibate until I find a relationship.




I’ll be honest that I often fantasize about having a husband I get to have sed with regularly. I’m such a love suck bottom but that’s just me. I know what love it about. My parents have been married for almost 40 years now. I’ve seen them fight and argue and work things out. And I didn’t realize until I was older that I’m happy my parents have an active sex life. I found my dads viagra once. Lol I want what they found in each other but maybe there is truth to what my roommate said. Idk

You and he are both right. Gay men like him can't. Jewish men like you can, because your culture supports it and has for millenia as a matter of life and death for the people. Gay men from the revolution have strong cultural reasons to eschew Judaeo Christian monogamy. But here's the thing. You are not only one of the two, but both. You have decided that the traditions of the faith and your parent's exemplar as well as the many rituals that you were ignorant of. You are certain you are right. But what about your partner to be? If he isn't a gay Jew with simple needs and like you how to move in the traditions and maintain them.

You are having trouble dating because you want to hold every single man you meet to the standard of your mother and are taking their interest in a date or sex as a corruption of a wedding that isn't even with bride in car yet? Those in relationships are sacrilege against the ideals you have never yourself had to enact or even contemplate beyond romantic fantasy or they are not taking things seriously enough (because not having a relationship of any kind is how you get seriously distorted ideas about relationships). Recap, all those married or in relationships are morally deficient, and those who are single (wait for it) don't want relationships, which in this short answer you have defined as rigid and eternal committment from the beginning and since they aren't serious about the wedding they are not worth putting any effort into at all, something you learned and no need to meet them half way damaged goods.

You are bailing on the teenage years and young adulthood and dating as well as gay sex because your parents fell in love and have kids. You say single men don't want relationships and all the interest is married. You don't have a clue about romantic and sexual relationships because you don't have the experience. Not having it as a resolution. You completely disallowed any work on existing men without the scarlet letter of A because they all fail and you get off the hook.

You don't find a relationship. You build one with someone.Relationships take time and effort. put in the work. There is pre gun.
 

Auggiecakes

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You and he are both right. Gay men like him can't. Jewish men like you can, because your culture supports it and has for millenia as a matter of life and death for the people. Gay men from the revolution have strong cultural reasons to eschew Judaeo Christian monogamy. But here's the thing. You are not only one of the two, but both. You have decided that the traditions of the faith and your parent's exemplar as well as the many rituals that you were ignorant of. You are certain you are right. But what about your partner to be? If he isn't a gay Jew with simple needs and like you how to move in the traditions and maintain them.

You are having trouble dating because you want to hold every single man you meet to the standard of your mother and are taking their interest in a date or sex as a corruption of a wedding that isn't even with bride in car yet? Those in relationships are sacrilege against the ideals you have never yourself had to enact or even contemplate beyond romantic fantasy or they are not taking things seriously enough (because not having a relationship of any kind is how you get seriously distorted ideas about relationships). Recap, all those married or in relationships are morally deficient, and those who are single (wait for it) don't want relationships, which in this short answer you have defined as rigid and eternal committment from the beginning and since they aren't serious about the wedding they are not worth putting any effort into at all, something you learned and no need to meet them half way damaged goods.

You are bailing on the teenage years and young adulthood and dating as well as gay sex because your parents fell in love and have kids. You say single men don't want relationships and all the interest is married. You don't have a clue about romantic and sexual relationships because you don't have the experience. Not having it as a resolution. You completely disallowed any work on existing men without the scarlet letter of A because they all fail and you get off the hook.

You don't find a relationship. You build one with someone.Relationships take time and effort. put in the work. There is pre gun.

Omfg who the hell said I was Jewish! You wrote all that, thinking you know who I am but you don’t. looking mad dumb.
 

Nudistpig

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Omfg who the hell said I was Jewish! You wrote all that, thinking you know who I am but you don’t. looking mad dumb.

It seemed so from your reply (I see that "sed" is not short for seder but rather "sex" ). I apologize for my assumption but there is nothing wrong with being Jewish. If you're Christian, the observations about relationships stand. We use the same book, and the ideal of monogamy is exactly the same. I wrote all of that for you to reflect upon.

If I have to look "mad dumb" to do what I do, then so be it. I would re-write for tone because it's too preachy when it didn't have to be and it's mean. I gotta remember to decompress after replying to homophobes (what I was doing before I wrote this). I apologize for the way I used the pronoun "you". It's too personal, I agree. I'm responding to what I experienced as damage to me more than talking you into account there. I don't think you got off scott free from the experiences of homophobia but as a gay dude I need to let you tell that story if and when you want to.

My parents had a really great marriage, never had sex with any other person (well, my father, my mom gave me the look of death when I asked her, my father of course told me at the "eww" age) and I found that to be both inspiring and really hard to live up to. Strangely enough that was the reply I was going to write and didn't because of a typo. Bottom line, I am not here (despite the misakes) to judge you. I wish you all the happiness and success you deserve in finding that person you are seeking, and a long and happy life. I wish the misery many of us go through on no one.

If could edit that reply, I would.
 

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I myself am a closed monogamous relationship guy. Remember most men on those apps aren't looking for a monogamous LTR. I met my partner on a gay app. It is possible but it took a frustratingly long time and lots of sifting but it was worth it.
 
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Lol at people assuming AuggieCakes was Jewish lmao. This website is weird af, yet I keep coming back here to look at penis pics.

Anyway, I find it disturbing when I see guys with either, married, open, etc. on their profiles. But what actually kills me the most is a lot of times their profiles will say, "Looking for friends. Looking for gay friends, etc." BITCH YOU ARE NOT LOOKING FOR FRIENDS, YOU ARE LOOKING TO FUCK! It's so strange because you mean to tell me that you and your partner cannot go outside in public at all and not start a conversation with another couple, be it gay or straight, or in general just another individual and find some common ground? Find a buddy that likes doing the same activities you guys like doing? Find someone that could be a future friend? Do you know how easy it is to go out in public with your partner to group events, meet-ups, festivals, farmers markets, restaurants, bars, etc. and just meet awesome people VERSUS doing this alone as someone single? Ummm, hello, it's much easier to do that in a pair with your partner, yet instead guys like this opt to stay at home and go online and on phone apps to judge photos on the hunt for their next dick appointment and have the nerve to call this behavior, "looking for friends."

Gay men can be so tiresome. Please don't reply back to with your non-relevant experiences about gay men meeting each other in public at events to actually look for friendship with nothing else in mind. I'm aware that his exists but the the former situation described above is much more prevalent.
 

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In the pre-internet days I read A LOT of women's magazines and was subjected A LOT of daytime talk shows while waiting for clients. The single most popular topic was straight women could find Mr. Right. The solutions seemed to have two consistent themes:
"Quantity, quantity, quantity"
and
"You have to kiss a lot of princes to find Mr. Right"

Why would it be any different for gay men?
 
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