This is mainly targeted to gay/bi guys I guess but are aware of examples of internalized homophobia within yourself? It seems like most gay guys are not comfortable addressing/discussing this topic for some reason in an open way.
Do you have internalized homophobia? Do you acknowledge it?
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I think this is a classic example of hindsight being 20/20. When I was younger, I thought I was cool with gay people, but I didn’t want to say I was gay myself. It took me years to finally say the words “I’m gay” not to mention be fully cool with it.
In other words, I do feel like I had a lot of internalized homophobia before I came out. I just didn’t realize it at the time! I like to think I’ve moved past all that, but ask me again in a few years, and I guess we’ll see if I have a different answer?!?!
Thanks for sharing. I think that experience is unfortunately quite common. Happy to hear that you've made progress though. A lot don't even get that far
heinz.friedrich
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Good topic and good question.
I think, there could be different reason. They are homopbobic, they dont want to talk about sex with other people or they dont want to be punished by society. I guess not all straight people want to talk about their sex life either (that could also be because this is not accepted by society to talk about it).
Phobia of something can be because the society punishes you for being something. So you adopt the opinion of the society you live in.
One example: If you lived under Communism, you had to disavow capitalism and could not be open about it if you like money.
There could also be shaming or stereotypes about homosexuals. Homosexuals can be viewed as less male for example. So you cannot really say what is the reason in my opinion.
Honestly, I do sometimes catch myself exhibiting or thinking in a way that suggests internal homophobia.
Sometimes if I encounter an extremely feminine gay man; I am sometimes very critical of him
Sometimes, I look down upon the gays at Pride and in my head condescendingly question why being gay is such a big part of their identity. “Why can’t they just move past it?”
Sometimes I assume that almost every gay man is a sex addict; and that every gay man is a Grindr type.
I know that this way of thinking is flawed. These are just some of the thoughts that occasionally pop into my head. It’s up to all of us to recognize these patterns and be self-critical.
Sometimes if I encounter an extremely feminine gay man; I am sometimes very critical of him
Sometimes, I look down upon the gays at Pride and in my head condescendingly question why being gay is such a big part of their identity. “Why can’t they just move past it?”
Sometimes I assume that almost every gay man is a sex addict; and that every gay man is a Grindr type.
I know that this way of thinking is flawed. These are just some of the thoughts that occasionally pop into my head. It’s up to all of us to recognize these patterns and be self-critical.
Thanks for sharing. It takes a lot of maturity to even be able to recognize these traits at all and then want to work to reduce them.
Absolutely hats off to you. And thanks for replying. Much appreciated
I think your environment is a big factor as well… in my case, i grew up in a small town, nobody talked about gays and if the topic came up, it wasn’t on a positive tone. So even though i knew i liked both man and women from a young age i refused to accept it until my late 20s, many years after i moved out of my parents’ house and built my own life in another city. I’m still working on letting go of the things that got imprinted in my mind as i grew up and i’ll admit that I struggle with acceptance sometimes… work in progress 
I get jealous of straight people/straight couples.
I hate being gay more because I'm Black and feminine. I rather wish I was a gay white man, or a straight Black person. I'm 33 and can't find a Boyfriend, and I crush on straight guys. I know if I wasn't Black and gay I'd have a Boyfriend by now.
So internalized Homophobia? I disagree that I do. But from outsiders/others perspectives, I fucking guess?
Ooh girl lol.
I hate being gay more because I'm Black and feminine. I rather wish I was a gay white man, or a straight Black person. I'm 33 and can't find a Boyfriend, and I crush on straight guys. I know if I wasn't Black and gay I'd have a Boyfriend by now.
So internalized Homophobia? I disagree that I do. But from outsiders/others perspectives, I fucking guess?
Ooh girl lol.
HungBtmVegas
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I don't know if I'd go as far as to call it "homophobia", but I don't hang out with or talk to any other subs or bottoms and I think it's because I've never really felt a desire to connect with guys I sit on the same side of the sexual table with. I'm also one of those gays who mainly watches straight porn lol.
Odyssey Land
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I have a question. Do you see yourself as both feminine AND flamboyant? Because I believe gay men can be effeminate without leaning into flamboyance. The two are commonly overlapped by many but they are two different aspects of a person.
lol We’re all on the same team but you dream of being the Quaterback while nature designed you to be the Kicker. You’re just as valuable as the masc gay guy.
Oh, absolutely. I've got internalized homophobia falling out my ears. I've got all kinds: that smug feeling of superiority when I see a really femme guy and think, "At least I'm straight passing, unlike him." I'm only attracted to "masculine" types, the more masculine and muscular the better, no smooth, skinny twinks for me. And I think this homophobia is what's holding me back from fully experimenting, sexually and emotionally, with men. But I'm working on it and I think I've doing some progress. Slow progress, but still.
Why?
I'm a gay black Feminine man attracted to scruffy straight men.
I respect feminine guys, I'm one myself. I can be ride or die friends with fems and other sissies, but I'm not attracted to them romantically. I am attracted to masculine men.
Do straight girls question when they prefer masculine guys? So why the fuck should me as a gay man do the same?
You can't help what you like fuck that shit.
And I don't know why my posts keep getting fucking deleted.
I meant less about liking masculine guys (I'm not apologizing for that and I don't think it's going to change any time soon) and more about working on my deeper issues vis-a-vis intimacy and attraction with men.
Oh no, I understand what you mean.
I'm just saying as long as you respect feminine/sissies (pretty much me lol), and don't get annoyed/agitated by us, that's fine.
You don't have to date us if you're not attracted to us, and you don't have to justify your type.
So hopefully that part of your "internalized homophobia" was healed lol.
I unfortunately feel my "internalized Homophobia" is more tough to deal with/understand, just based on jealousy/envy that straight people have it easier, with a larger dating pool, and how most of my crushes/attractions are on straight guys. So yeah.
Fuck if I know. The advice I keep getting seems to boil down to "If you go out and suck enough dicks, odds are there will be one you'll like emotionally."
Topher the Gopher
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I can't say as I do. Maybe in the beginning, but not since then. I was a very early bloomer, precocious puberty and all, so I started to realize I was "different" at a young age. That was the mid-90s, and I knew there was a stigma attached to being gay, so I was afraid and wished I wasn't. I convinced myself that I was bi for a few years, but eventually came out as gay. Even though I grew up in a small town in the Mid-Ohio Valley, I stood fast and refused to pretend to be something I wasn't. Never in all this time since those early days have I wished I wasn't gay.
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Topher the Gopher
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If I may, I think that's unhealthy advice. I would suggest focusing on actual dating instead of going straight to sex, no pun intended, if you want love and intimacy. I mean, fine, hook up all you want, but don't expect it to turn into anything more.
Yeah, no, I got you. I know it's a cliché to say this but one of my best friends and his bf who's also a friend are total femmes and I love them, so I'd never be rude or discriminatory towards that type. Hell, half the guys at my job are like that and we get along super well.
I totally see what you mean about jealousy towards straight people because I have that too and truthfully, I don’t think it'll ever fully go away.
If I'm honest, I think what I need is probably a bit of both. My biggest problem is that I go out looking to hook up with a guy but there's none I find attractive except for the 10s that are out of my league. Being my own armchair psychologist, I'd say that I probably hold unrealistically high standards for men as a sort of defense mechanism because I'm still not ready to fully visualize myself in a relationship with one. By keeping my attraction to men at arm's lenght and relegated to unattainable goals it can remain a fantasy, separed by a computer screen, and that way I avoid coming to terms with it.
Or something. I don't know, I'm not a therapist and I'm too broke to pay for one.
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