Do you have sex on the first date?

[Jovial]

My problem is girls I meet never think I like them. If I go on a first date and don't try to have sex with them they will think I don't like them. Women equate a guy wanting to have sex with them with how much he likes them. So, yes, I would have sex on a first date. I wish it didn't have to be that way, but everyone else has sex early on, so if you don't people end up interpreting it as you don't like them.

 

[TinyPrincess]

Women equate a guy wanting to have sex with them with how much he likes them.

Who the heck has told you that Not so... I think most of us have a pretty good clue as to whether the guy likes us or not - and guys always want to have sex, so it's not a good meter to use anyway...

 

[Honey123]

My problem is girls I meet never think I like them. If I go on a first date and don't try to have sex with them they will think I don't like them. Women equate a guy wanting to have sex with them with how much he likes them. So, yes, I would have sex on a first date. I wish it didn't have to be that way, but everyone else has sex early on, so if you don't people end up interpreting it as you don't like them.

But do men equage a woman not having sex with them the same way? If a girl says "I'm not ready" does a guy take that as never or just hang in there?

 

[ManlyBanisters]

Honey, honey, there is no hard and fast rule for this. "Men" do not think X and "women" do not think Y - a man might think one thing - another man might think something completely different - ditto for women. There is no way of us knowing what this guy thinks either generally or of you specifically.

I say follow your instincts - if it feels right to sleep with him then sleep with him. If you have serious expectations then you need to be fair to him and discuss that. Maybe it'll put him off, maybe it is just what he is looking for too - or, most likely, somewhere inbetween. If you're not sure you want him for a LTR then just enjoy what you do have with him for what it is and see what develops.

I think a lot of problems people have with sex and relationships in general can be put down to overanalysing. I'm guilty of it myself sometimes but I have tried to always roll with the punches, let things happen and just be honest. And it is when I haven't been honest, with myself and my partners, that things have gone wrong. I found myself with a whole load of expectations that weren't being fulfilled because I'd never been honest about them.

If you don't want a one night stand and you really can't tell if he is after a one nighter or something more then you have to talk to him. Not a big heavy, needy conversation - but let him know that that's not where you are at.

 

[ZOS23xy]

there is of course, the one night stand which amounts to "one night is all I can stand".

 

[Jovial]

Who the heck has told you that Not so... I think most of us have a pretty good clue as to whether the guy likes us or not - and guys always want to have sex, so it's not a good meter to use anyway...

It's just been my observation. And you kind of proved my point when you said "guys always want to have sex." You figure all guys are willing to have sex with you if you want it, so if a guy is hesitant you will figure he really must not like you at all. You may actually be offended by his hesitation.

But do men equage a woman not having sex with them the same way? If a girl says "I'm not ready" does a guy take that as never or just hang in there?

I don't think so because there isn't the same thinking by men that "women always want sex." Some women want it but some will wait, so we can't read anything by it. Since a lot of men want just sex, women are forced to sometimes hold back on sex to see if the guy is more serious. If the guy really likes her and she says she is not ready, then he will understand that she just wants to see if he is serious. It's all part of the dating game and stems from the fact that women will be looked at as sluts if they have sex too willingly. (It's not right, but that's the way it is.)

 

[HamYai]

Sex in the first minute is better.

 

[DC_DEEP]

I have never understood, nor will I ever understand, the silly games of "counting" dates before you can do any particular activity. No kiss until the second date, no groping until the third date, no fucking until the fifth date... WTF?

If you want to, do it. If you don't want to, don't do it. It really isn't that complicated, is it?

 

[Kevbo]

As others have said, this is absolutely an individual decision and you shouldn't base your activities on somebody else's numerical guidelines. I would add two things:

1) By sex, do you mean PIV intercourse? Because there're all kinds of levels of sex, much more than the old baseball analogy. You can work your way up the scale as trust is gained.

2) Some people, mostly women but I guess sometimes men, play mind games by teasing, leading on, flirting outrageously and suggestively, but ultimately denying sex. I don't know who taught women that they should do this but unless you are Angelina-Joliesque or similar you are better served being honest about your arousal level and what steps you are ready to take to deal with it. Playing hard-to-get can be fun in junior high, but it gets old fast and can be a quick deal-killer of a new relationship if that's the perception of what's going on. You can, and should, save flirty hard-to-get games for later, when the relationship is established and the playfulness level is well-understood. (Understand, Honey123, I'm not aiming this advice specifically at you, but to anybody who uses this m.o. at the beginning of a relationship to somehow "gauge" the prospective partner.) There certainly is a time for cat-and-mouse, but not at the beginning of a relationship.


Cheers,
Kev

 

[Honey123]

Honey, honey, there is no hard and fast rule for this. "Men" do not think X and "women" do not think Y - a man might think one thing - another man might think something completely different - ditto for women. There is no way of us knowing what this guy thinks either generally or of you specifically.

I say follow your instincts - if it feels right to sleep with him then sleep with him. If you have serious expectations then you need to be fair to him and discuss that. Maybe it'll put him off, maybe it is just what he is looking for too - or, most likely, somewhere in between. If you're not sure you want him for a LTR then just enjoy what you do have with him for what it is and see what develops.

I think a lot of problems people have with sex and relationships in general can be put down to overanalysing. I'm guilty of it myself sometimes but I have tried to always roll with the punches, let things happen and just be honest. And it is when I haven't been honest, with myself and my partners, that things have gone wrong. I found myself with a whole load of expectations that weren't being fulfilled because I'd never been honest about them.

If you don't want a one night stand and you really can't tell if he is after a one nighter or something more then you have to talk to him. Not a big heavy, needy conversation - but let him know that that's not where you are at.

Good advice gf. I think some conversation is def needed. I like him but no matter how hot he was, I don't think I could do the one nighter, and the last time I tried by the time morning came around I was SO glad that I hadn't.

Also, another part of my hesitation was his small hands - he's about an inch or two shorter than I am and his hands were much smaller than mine. When he touched me I could barely feel his hands he touched me so lightly. I was worried I might hurt him if I got carried away.... ok, not that worried, but it did cross my mind.

OH, and as far as over analyzing... I get paid to analyze things all day long so it carries over into my personal life.

 

[Honey123]

...Since a lot of men want just sex, women are forced to sometimes hold back on sex to see if the guy is more serious. If the guy really likes her and she says she is not ready, then he will understand that she just wants to see if he is serious. It's all part of the dating game and stems from the fact that women will be looked at as sluts if they have sex too willingly. (It's not right, but that's the way it is.)

Thanks! I think that's exactly what I needed to hear tonight. Feeling better now.

 

[marleyisalegend]

There's certainly double standards. A woman who owns her sexuality is "a whore," but a guy who does the same gets high-fives and is "a player." Sex on the first date isn't ideal (there are a host of STDs that can be transmitted without fluid transmission) but as long as it's protected I won't knock anybody.

 

[Principessa]

there is of course, the one night stand which amounts to "one night is all I can stand".

:biggrin1: Can't say I've ever had one of those.

In college I once planned to have a one night stand and ended up dating the guy for 18 months.

To answer the question in the title, I would not intentionally have sex on the first date.

 

[SpeedoMike]

if you are looking for "recreational" sex, by all means go at it as soon as possible. if not, you've gotten some good feedback here to wade through.

 

[killerb]

Although I never say never, I haven't ever had sex on a first date & probably wouldn't...

I'd like to get to know who I'm dealing with first...

 

[marleyisalegend]

I'd like to get to know who I'm dealing with first...

That's just about as safe as using a condom. Having protected sex with a stranger is almost irrelevant because if they have an ulterior motive to get a girl pregnant or intentionally transmit an STD, there are ways of doing. Put the condom on in front of you, slip it off before insertion or use vaseline to make it likely the condom will break. I dunno what you'd call it condom sabotage or intentional std transmission, but if you google things like that you'll find dozens of stories about women who were tricked into using faulty condoms and got pregnant or worse, contracted aids because the guy poked a hole in the condom before he got in the car and drove to her house. When I worked at the pharmacy, once or twice I found boxes of condoms that someone had broken open and poked holes in every last condom. I dunno how well that worked but it convinced me to check all my condoms, and ONLY use mine, never let someone else use theirs that might've been sabotaged or sitting under their bed for 2 years.

 

[Honey123]

if you are looking for "recreational" sex, by all means go at it as soon as possible. if not, you've gotten some good feedback here to wade through.

The recreational sex is tempting but I've never found it fully satisfying. I need to be able to trust someone to open up and enjoy myself. I want more than one night, I want many many hot passionate nights with someone I care deeply about.

 

[Principessa]

The recreational sex is tempting but I've never found it fully satisfying. I need to be able to trust someone to open up and enjoy myself. I want more than one night, I want many many hot passionate nights with someone I care deeply about.

Same here, I guess thats why I choose not to have sex on the first date.

 

[TinyPrincess]

In college I once planned to have a one night stand and ended up dating the guy for 18 months.

It was a one night stand - you just had some 540 one night stands with the guy in a row.

It's just been my observation. And you kind of proved my point when you said "guys always want to have sex." You figure all guys are willing to have sex with you if you want it, so if a guy is hesitant you will figure he really must not like you at all. You may actually be offended by his hesitation.

Well, I haven't met a guy who wasn't willing yet :wink::tongue: I could never be offended by a guys hesitation - but then I would never come in that situation. Women don't have to ask to find out. I know whether I'm interested in the guy and whether he's interested in me far earlier than when it's time to decide on sex or not.

Since a lot of men want just sex, women are forced to sometimes hold back on sex to see if the guy is more serious. If the guy really likes her and she says she is not ready, then he will understand that she just wants to see if he is serious. It's all part of the dating game and stems from the fact that women will be looked at as sluts if they have sex too willingly. (It's not right, but that's the way it is.)

Well, I guess we live in different cultural settings - it's my prerogative to have sex with any guy I want and as many as I want. I would not be considered a slut for that reason. Men and women are equal in that sense - at least in my part of the world. Thus women are not forced to hold back. And again, I don't see why it should come so far - women decides way earlier...

 

[ManlyBanisters]

:biggrin1: Can't say I've ever had one of those.

In college I once planned to have a one night stand and ended up dating the guy for 18 months.

To answer the question in the title, I would not intentionally have sex on the first date.

How do you have sex unintentionally? (without a crime being commited, that is - I don't think you are talking about that... I hope not anyway.)