Do You Need Closure?

AlteredEgo

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When your significant other wants to leave you, do you need to know why, or is it better for her or him to just state that they want to break it off, take the few items stashed at your place for convenience, and go?

I think I'm going to leave my boyfriend. I'm in love, but it isn't working. The reasons are complicated. If I have to go through my reasoning, he will convince me to keep him. I think I need him gone. I want to just break it off, not offer any room for discussion or argumentation, and go. But I don't want to hurt him more than necessary. I'm not sure how sensitive he is because he's secretive. I don't know that part of him. But... um...how sensitive are you? Would you need to hear my reasons?
 
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AlteredEgo

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very insensitive to break it off with somebody without offering some explanation or inclination for why it is you are doing so.

Then I take it you need closure. Has anyone ever left you without saying why? How did you feel? How did you cope with those feelings? Are you over it? How long did it take to heal?

I'm not sure I'm being insensitive, though I am being selfish. If I tell him why I want to break up, he will find a way to make me stay, at least until I have to move away next summer. But I'm still thinking about telling him why, and finding a way to resist whatever he throws at me. Yeah... I will likely just break up, and break out. Still, I want to hear how men feel about his while I decide.
 

KTF40

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Yep, I need closure.

Personally, I'd tell him why. If nothing else, it will help him learn why the relationship failed and could help lead to future success in other relationships.

As it relates to you though, if you claim he has the ability to convince you to stay, then it sounds like you really don't want to leave him.
 
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Not knowing what the issues are, it cannot be expected to have any truly helpful feedback other than the generic. But.....

It is a heart in your mouth experience, when a loving relationship is nearing an end. How to end it? With anger? With understanding? With love and mutual understanding? There are some common reasons why relationships end, with predictable outcomes. Then there are the few others where differences cannot be resolved, yet the bond shared allows for things to be less painful. It is pretty well up to you, and you only to decide on which side of the line the reasons for the impending breakup falls.

No, it is not neccessary to know all the gory details, you are old enough and experienced enough to decide how to proceed. You seem to be pretty intuitive. Sharing one side and leaving questions in the readers mind of the others side is always the danger.

For me, I find the bitter truth is the best way, perhaps my being a bit of a slave to the truth gene causes me to speak this way. But usually when approaching something it is better to go in armed with the truth, if things turn out shit, then you can fall back on "at least I was honest". If you go in armed with lies, and you lose, then you deserve to, if you win, then the victory is hollow, lies, you lose both ways.

People recover from the truth quickly, from lies, the scars can last a lifetime.

Leaving the door open or not, that is up to you also.
 
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D_Ty_Le_Knott

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I'd definitely need closure. It's happened to me, and I'd still love to know what went wrong. Everyone is different though, so that would depend on your boyfriend and yourself.
 

Thickguy007

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All I can say is that if you have feelings for him at all...you should tell him why. Not knowing the why is very painful, so you must ask yourself: Are you willing to leave someone with that pain to make it easier on yourself? Because truth be told, you might see it as the easy way...but then again it's not true closure for you either.
With any loss (death, break ups, loss of employment, loss of friendship)....not knowing what happened or truly resolving things is worse than anything.
It will linger.....for you and for him.
 

B_Pornsurfer

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I'd need something, but it could be kept simple. "I'm not happy, I've given this a lot of thought and I know I'm not going to be happy in this relationship even with work" is enough.

But just coming home and everything is gone would be wierd.
 

MisterSlave

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TO: Altered Ego,
It depends. I can only speak of my own experiences. I suppose its different for each of us. . . and I suppose it also depends on the person you are breaking up with. Some men, I have wanted closure, and want to know why it didn't work, so I can avoid possibly making mistakes in the future. We are after all human, and not perfect. We can learn and grow. Other times, A clean break is good. and just walk away. No matter who it is though. I (TRY) and make sure I do not Burn bridges. after all. . you can't undo things. I try to keep in mind even when I break up with someone that there was a reason, I got with them in the first place. If things get ugly and fights happen, It can be hard to remember that you once loved that parson, but keep in mind. . there will probably be someone else out there, More compatible for you. . . Its not worth time to do petty revenge motives. . just walk away. . or get back on your dating Bicycle, and look for someone else.

Syl'
 

rbkwp

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Do You Need Closure?





Think it is very necessary Yes!

Personally i would tell the person ASAP the reasons, and expect the same from my Partner
consider it all a part of the relationship, failed or not ..
but then again i can understand and appreciate Individuals who withhold
Length & Strength of Relationships MAY have valid reasons to not be open, as well?
 

gma26_4521

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For myself closure is not necessary. I am perceptive enough to see this sort of thing coming. It can be a BS thing and generalizations at times. At other times it can come across hurtful and sometimes men can't take the direct reasons a women has for leaving.

Honestly women don't just end something abruptly in most cases. They put up with guys bad habits/traits patiently much more than men do for women. Most of the time there are signs in a LTR that the "shit" is going to hit the fan. But many men don't really identify the signals a women sends in subtle ways. A real wake-up call so to speak for a man when it comes.

I feel it is best to revisit the issue later when cooler heads prevail if it were necessary. If your man doesn't have the self esteem to handle it-just get your belongings and say it isn't working for you. If necessary, and I am serious, tell him to see a neutral therapist to work through it. You are out of it then.
 

blazblue

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When your significant other wants to leave you, do you need to know why, or is it better for her or him to just state that they want to break it off, take the few items stashed at your place for convenience, and go?

I think I'm going to leave my boyfriend. I'm in love, but it isn't working. The reasons are complicated. If I have to go through my reasoning, he will convince me to keep him. I think I need him gone. I want to just break it off, not offer any room for discussion or argumentation, and go. But I don't want to hurt him more than necessary. I'm not sure how sensitive he is because he's secretive. I don't know that part of him. But... um...how sensitive are you? Would you need to hear my reasons?

I think it depends but if he isn't the right person for you then he just isn't. I'd like to think that you're bf should be able to pick himself up and move on just fine. But ask yourself this, if you're in love like you say, then why do you feel the need to leave him? If you're doubting yourself over this relationship then it may not have been love in the first place. Don't take this the wrong but I think you may need some closure of some kind.

Me personally, it would depend on the kind of relationship we have. If it was just a girlfriend, I probably wouldn't ask since we aren't married and just dating casually. But if I was married to her and had children by her then yes I would at least ask her what's up.
 
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Cecil56

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If you've been in a relationship with someone, I think you owe them a few words of explanation at least. He has probably felt the end coming already, if you are to the point of leaving him. Be honest with him, then he will have no reasons to disrespect you afterwards.

Lost a G/F years ago and she lied about the reason. The truth would have hurt less in the beginning, while we were still living together. (Less expensive on my end too) I bought all the shit to record the phone calls while I was away at work. Listen to them every AM on my way to work as their relationship developed. It tore me up. A fucking goodbye, get out of my life, I don't love you any more...would have been much better!
 

Infernal

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I think if you've shared an intimate relationship with someone they deserve at least some explanation. You don't have to make it an overblown drama fest, but a mature, rational discussion is appreciated. Maybe he can take the change to grow and be a better person for it. It all depends on the relationship as it is currently. I had a relationship that just faded away. We talked, separated peacefully and remained friends until he passed away. Another left was leaving for a business trip and I told him just not to come back. At that point the relationship was so toxic, he had to leave, or I was going to lose my sanity. He knew my reasons when he left. You know how your relationship works. If you aren't happy, then move on, but don't leave him hanging.
 

AlteredEgo

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Thanks for all the input, guys. While I was deliberating, he sensed the end coming, and headed me off at the pass. I knew if I didn't go in strong and determined, I wouldn't be able to sever ties. He caught me off guard, and we didn't break up. I was prepared for him to try to distract me with humor. I was prepared for him to lie. I wasn't expecting for him to humble himself and actually try to solve problems. I had given up hope for that.

One of you asked if I really do love him. Yes. But if he can't make the changes he promised me today, I'm gone. I need him to be more dependable and accountable, and to not lie to me or to himself.

Sommeone suggested that I would need closure out of this situation too. I thought about that. Because I do love him, if I had ended it and refused to explain why, I would have worried about him and felt guilty for a long time. He is a good man, just flawed like anyone else.

Someone in this thread advised that I should do what I would want done to me. I would want a full explanation, and the opportunity to counter complaints. I was afraid though that he would make jokes until I couldn't remember how serious I was, and counter my complaints with lies. He did both of those things before I was able to get him to be serious and apparently sincere.

Someone suggested I didn't really want to leave. I didn't/don't want to break up. Earlier, I just thought it would be best whether I wanted it or not.

I'm glad he came to me and asked if I was upset with him, and if I wanted to stop seeing him. He asked what he had done, and though it took a lot of effort to get everything out through his deflecting and diverting, but I was able to lay it all on the table. He tried to hold on to lies he'd told, but I insisted on honesty, called him on contradictions, and believe we turned a corner. We need to talk more and resolve other issues, but this is a start, and I don't feel like I have to leave.
 

rbkwp

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Just wanted to acknowledge your feedback, always good to read of, some are not so generous
Cheers and hope things are on there way to an amicable resolution.