Do you show affection to other men?

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headbang8: This thought appeared in another thread, but it deserves a life of its own.

Do you show non-sexual affection for other men?   When does it go beyond friendship?  Does a hug or a kiss with a male friend have a different quality from those we give women or (if we're gay) our male lovers?   Indeed, can straight men love other men as deeply as they do the women in their lives?  As a man, do you find showing affection difficult, no matter who's involved?

I'm not sure, but I think these polls don't allow for multiple responses.  Pity---I'm sure there are many who might tick more than one box if they could.

 

[jdoe86]

Kind of a hard question. I will hug a guy, I will have sex with a guy, but I won't kiss a guy--even a peck on the cheek. I just don't. Oh well, right?

 

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Dantesco: If affection is genuine, why be reluctant to demonstrate it? Sure, I hug and/or kiss men that I feel affection and respect for. And Im straight, just for the record.

 

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Longhornjok: How come there's not a "Yes, it's no big deal" choice? The
"any time anywhere" one has sexual overtones, imho.

 

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headbang8: [quote author=Longhornjok link=board=relationships;num=1062815559;start=0#3 date=09/05/03 at 20:44:53]How come there's not a "Yes, it's no big deal" choice? The
"any time anywhere" one has sexual overtones, imho.[/quote]
Good point, longhornjok. Done.

 

[B_black10inches]

In my family and hood this is not cool. I only hug my friends when we're alone. It puts too much pressure on a brotha in public. It's a matter of respect. I know this doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's a part of my world. Handshakes are easier, and keep both guys on an equal par. I know this is not a liberated point of view, but it's what I'm used to.

I heard some weird story somewhere that the ancient Greeks greeted each other by grabbing each other's nuts. In Harlem, NYC, that could get you dead real quick.

 

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TragicWhiteKnight: Back to the topic, I've only ever hugged two guys ever and that's because I was never going to see them again (and even then it was the 'distanced, back-pat' style of hug) - for some reason it makes it more special.

It's not to do with sexuality or masculinity at all, really. I can't really imagine ever wanting or needing to hug my friends; we know we like each other, there's no need to confirm it with unnecessary emotionalism. We stick out for each other, defend each other and make plenty of sacrifices but never once has it been necessary to share a man-hug.

Maybe that's just because "I'm British" [to be said in a PG Wodehouse style voice]

 

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gigantikok: It actually might be because of the British culture, TWK. I have plenty of friends and I've hugged 'em. I hug my girl friends more frequently than my guy friends. Usually the only time I hug guy friends is after I haven't seen them for a long time, or to say farewell because I won't be seeing them for awhile. Never do I just hug a guy friend to greet him on a new day. However, girl friends just give me hugs everyonce in awhile for no particular reason or to greet me on a new day. It's interesting.

No kisses for any friends. I think it's just American culture to only kiss your mom and your lover.

 

[13788]

TragicWhiteKnight: Here's a clip from the 'Making Of..' DVD featurette of my above post.

[shot of me typing]
TWK: Many of you veteran fans may have noticed this message began 'Back to the topic'. That was because this important message accidentally became a deleted scene:

"black10inches, the whole Greek-testicles grabbing thing is of great etymological importance. The Greek tradition of men grabbing each others testicles to confirm an oath is what gave forth to the word 'testimony' (true story)".

Now, back to the real thread.

Girl-friends of mine often hug each other, but less so hug guys. Kisses are definitely out of bounds. I'm pretty sure it's a British guy thing (though my visiting American friend seemed to catch on pretty quick).

 

[Ralexx]

[quote author=Dantesco link=board=relationships;num=1062815559;start=0#2 date=09/05/03 at 20:41:27]If affection is genuine, why be reluctant to demonstrate it? Sure, I hug and/or kiss men that I feel affection and respect for. And Im straight, just for the record.[/quote]

Dantesco's opinion is here mine too... with some nuances... There might be guys that I like in a sexual way too, and thus, I pretty think I do show sexual affection too. When & if the case. Sometimes is does goe beyond friendship, and it may happen that the guy has no idea about my secret pleasures [ , though not so ...] It's the same for women, too.

I what I am concerned, I don't find it at all difficult to show affection... not at all. I like it. It creates a special bond, and makes me feel both freer and more sincere. Just that, if sometimes I'm reluctant (or I became reluctant), is because I know the Other doesn't like it.

Anyway, I live in a country where male to male affection via friendship is perfectly natural and expressed. Ah, Latin countries

 

[Max]

[quote author=TragicWhiteKnight link=board=relationships;num=1062815559;start=0#8 date=09/06/03 at 03:59:08]I'm pretty sure it's a British guy thing [/quote]

Maybe, but this straight middle-aged British guy is an exception ... in fact I notice more and more exceptions. I am a tactile sort of a guy anyway ... and I am far more likely to bearhug a male friend on meeting and on parting than I was 20 years ago. Re kisses ... I have a friend closer than a brother, we have supported each other through good times and bad, and yes on occasion this has seemed perfectly natural.

 

[B_DoubleMeatWhopper]

I come from a family that is very demonstrative about affection. Hugs and kisses are abundant. If we like the person, we don't feel any reservations about showing it, and don't feel any embarassment at being on the receiving end. The way I see it, it's not a gay or straight thing: it's a human thing.

 

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neworlnssteel: I agree I am straight and have two real close friends where we have exchanged kisses on the cheek before. Most of the time it follows a serious talk or something but any other time we see it as no big deal.

 

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sammygirly: Aww, I kiss and hug everybody and would miss it terribly if I didn't.

My male friends all hug me and usually I get kisses too...um, granted, most of my closest male friends ARE gay.

 

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joe22xxx: As I've said on other threads here, I'm affectionate with all my friends, girls and guys.

On an emotional level, I'm still in the process of trying to understand my impulse to be close to others, besides sexual expression. When I was a kid, each member of my family (Italian-American) kissed each other goodnight on the lips. It was like something we all just did. So I think I got used to kissing other guys, at least my dad and brother. It wasn't a big thing. I also think this is about expressing love to others, maybe not lust, but love. My older brother always kisses me on the lips when he sees me, and hugs me like I'm the most special person in the world to him.

When I went to school, I found out that it wasn't cool to kiss and hug everybody. I asked my mom about this, and she just said that as I got older I would figure this out on my own. Well, I'm still figuring it out! ;D

At this point as far as other guys go, I just stay open to what my feelings are toward them, then try to act accordingly and with some attention to their comfort levels. So far this has worked pretty well. I have to admit that I find it easier to be close to guys who are from my old neighborhood and who understand my ethnic background.

 

[D_Martin van Burden]

I think it's really important to factor in cultural views on affection because it seems, at least in Joe's and Tragic's cases that these environments play a large role in establishing affection norms.

I'm with Joe, again.

:-* (Didn't think you would get offended if I pecked 'ya on the cheek, mate.)

Though I grew up with Mom, she almost made it a priority to show some sort of affirmative affection in the day, even if it were just a hug. My family has almost always insisted on a certain level of physical affection. Hugs and kisses are commonplace, are meaningful, and are understood.

I think it's difficult to reconcile familial affection with public affection because, as it seems, we're all raised differently and answer to different cultural standards. I wouldn't dramatize the differences any more than necessary, but at the same time, I would definitely have to feel a "confirmation" from the other, just to ensure that hugs and kisses in greeting, in passing, and in farewell. I think opposite-sex affection "naturally" comes over; with my fellow bro, I'd have to get an "ok" signal.

But, you know, as men, we're oft socialized to repress affectionate contact with people, especially each other. Gendered differences emerging in childhood and continuing through adolescence replace affection and emotional nature with weakness. As boys, we're supposed to be tough and assertive and independent and all that rot. The last thing we want to do is make ourselves vulnerable to our male peers, and as Black as told us, that weakness can come with consequence.

I guess what this boils down is, if anything, an assessment of your own comfort levels. I know I've partied, drank, smoked, and lived way too wildly to let a little thing like hugging and kissing bother me. I insist on it with some of my friends, just to let them know that they are cared for and loved, that I miss 'em and such. And as for those wild times, those games of strip poker or naked spin-the-bottle, guzzling mixed drinks, vodka, beers down the hatch -- no regrets. I was fully aware the whole time, and perhaps not thinking about it too much was the key in getting comfortable.

It's good that we're all talking about this so freely; it seems like we're keyed in to the nature of our inhibitions.

 

[Ralexx]

Très bien dit, Dee !

 

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dotadone: This is always a problem with my associates. I get emotional and somtimes I want to give a hug and men get wierd but if it was more then it would manifest in another way than a hug, its no big deal, im very secure with myself.

 

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bblumbee: Developing a deep and meaningful friendship with anyone is an emotional bond. I admit, I am a touchy, feely type person, but these types of 'emotions' is what assist in providing me the sense of belonging and being needed.

I treat my friends as family. Note, however, that friends and associates are two totally different levels. Showing of affection is dire for me.

Group hug?

bb

 

[jonb]

[quote author=black10inches link=board=relationships;num=1062815559;start=0#5 date=09/06/03 at 01:13:13]I heard some weird story somewhere that the ancient Greeks greeted each other by grabbing each other's nuts.[/quote]Along the eastern Mediterranean, that was a standard oath, similar to swearing on a Bible today. In fact, the words testicle and testify have a common etymology.

To understand, you have to be familiar with the culture of the time. The Greeks borrowed a lot of things (even their alphabet) from the Phoenicians, and (I think) the testicle oath was one of them. Fertility was a major issue. (In fact, there's a story in the Bible about one of Levi's sons being killed for not impregnating his dead brother's wife, thus killing his brother.)

You can blame Freud for the distance between men. Under Freud, all behavior, all emotions, were sexual. Homosexuality was a neurosis, indicating problems in toilet training. Therefore, showing emotion around men was a sign of mental illness. Even today, so many laypeople think Freud was "the" psychologist, even though he's been reduced to a dirty joke among psych students.