Do you stand by or jump in?

[got_lost]

This is an honest-to-god, non-judgemental question!

I know I haven't been around for yonks but would value opinions on this from both sides please and I am positive that there's a good mix of each on this lovely forum. :wink:


If you see 2 people arguing or disagreeing with each other or one person not happy with the other and a bit nasty (or damn right aggressive) or one just having a go at the other, what do you do? or what would you like to do? Why? What makes you do what you do? (whether it be intervene or do nothing)


For those that don't intervene: why do you not intervene? Is it because you don't want to get involved or don't want the aggressive one to turn on you or is it cos it's none of your business? Or is there a different reason?

Is it that you just want peace and want them both to just cut it out?

For those who do intervene: why do you intervene? Is it for sport or because you feel one is being bullied? Is it to protect or is it cos it's a friend?


I've got myself into weird situations over the years and again recently and am just being reflective as to what happens and why? Of course I can only reflect on my own reasons and feelings and would appreciate understanding others perspectives.

So please, share yours?
Ta x

 

[nudeyorker]

Much depends on the time, place and circumstances. If someone is really having a go at a child or an elderly individual I will generally say something. If two people are really having a go at each other shouting and screaming I will generally say something.
I've learned over the years that there are a number of couples who engage in what I call "George and Martha banter" (Think Who's Afraid Of Virginia Wolf) in public places as entertainment for themselves and attention.

 

[Deno]

First off I think people should act civil in public if they don't then there subject to anything anyone else has to fire at them. I do think its a good idea to choose your battles. If you can't win, keep your mouth shut. If actual physical harm is being done call the cops, its what we pay local taxes for. If your in a group maybe the whole group can just walk over make you presence known and maybe it will stop. But basically if you get physical to stop it then your doing exactly what your trying to stop and maybe be subject to prosecution. Choose your battles wisely.

 

[vince]

It depends on the place, the people, the argument and whether or not I am acquainted with the people. As Nudey said, if a child is involved, I will step up and suggest the adults calm down. I have had to break up a few arguments that had become fights between men on job sites and it's my policy to not even consider who is right or wrong, just stop it.

As to why... I don't know. If the situation is about to boil over, it's just an automatic relex to separate the people.

 

[D_Tim McGnaw]

Generally it's none of my business and I stay out of it. But in extreme cases I might get involved, I ended up in the Cop shop once for intervening when this guy was screaming at this woman about how he was going to kill her and she looked totally terrified and shell shocked, he punched me for my troubles, I returned the favour, the security guards turned up we both got taken in. I wasn't charged obviously, he had prior convictions and got 18 months for assault.

But common or garden nastiness I have no business being involved in.


Oh and as to why, well I suppose because seeing people getting bullied or abused is not something I can tolerate.

But I can tolerate plenty of ordinary bitching and nasty horseshit.

 

[Kotchanski]

As the others have said, it largely depends on the situation and who is involved...

A number of times I've seen children really playing up in the two local shops, kicking the products, climbing up the shelves, trying to sit IN the fridge (I'm not kidding!) with the mother stood around doing fuck all about it, the staff looking in horror and doing nothing (one shop generally has very old women working there, the other a lovely Asian guy who gets more than enough abuse to want to be stepping in and getting more) and I've said something, quite a lot actually and got my fair share back.

The other end of it is the parents with kids who only have to ask for one thing, politely once and get the smack of their life for it... Likewise, I've said plenty then too.

Only a few months ago the police were called because of a woman beating her kid on the street to the point where it was on the flood covering it's head with it's hands. My husband rushed the kids to school and called the police. They apparently took it quite seriously because they called back for a full description and told us they were speaking to the "lolly pop lady" and the school to identify the woman.

When it comes to couples, friends and the likes I tend to avoid getting involved unless I've been there since the start of the issue and know everything involved, or when I've had both sides bitching and complaining in my direction about the other... Then it's not my fault, they've dragged me into it, put me in a difficult situation I don't want to be in, and they're damn well knowing to have my opinion whether they want it or not.

 

[D_Fiona_Farvel]

I am very protective of my loved ones, and, to some degree, people targeted by a group for abuse, so that's the why.

Disagreements or the "our relationship is based on bickering" couple, I tend to ignore, because it generally does not mean much. However, if one person is aggressive, verbally abusive, or one party is " just having a go" at the other - I will step in for friends and family. As they would for me, but Buttinsky-ness is definitely a cultural trait. We all know each others business and step-in when needed.

What do I do? Varies. For some disagreements, it can be as easy as taking on the task that sparked the argument. In one case, I helped, actually urged, someone to leave the household and move in with me.

For strangers, there has to be a feeling it will escalate either there or when they get home. A few years ago in downtown NYC and the Village there was a rash of hate crimes, and a local LGBT center had a great flyer where it mentioned if you see menacing behavior, form a group around the targets because people are less likely to act violently in public. I pretty much follow that code for strangers, I let the person know that I'm watchful and ready to take some action.

 

[got_lost]

Thanks folks.

I s'pose Hilaire is right with regards to how much tolerance we have for the behaviour of others.

I also note that it's more those that do something that have shared so far as opposed to those who don't. I hope they do too. Though Deno says it's about picking the battles you can win.

It's not really about, as Nudey so nicely puts it, the 'George & Martha banter', it's about the other stuff. I presume I mean the more vindictive bitching, the nasty stuff. Not physically aggressive but verbally.

I like Exokitties code of forming a group around the pair to reduce chance of violence, but am still reeling at the kids in Aconitums local shops! lol

I s'pose I am just trying to work out what makes us a tick when it comes to who we support and why in these situations, or of course, whether we do anything at all.

My sister and I are complete opposites. If anything happens to her, she becomes completely passive, almost inert, whilst I shout back louder! Likewise if we see someone being bullied (we both happened to see her son being bullied by one of the neighbours kids a few years ago) she does nothing and waits til its all over where as I wanted to 'rescue/defend' immediately. She'd taught her son to do the same. As it was her son I sat on my hands and did as she wanted but once her boy was in and breaking his heart I have to admit to creeping out side and making sure the other kid knew to never do that again.

They are 2 such opposite ways of dealing with things. Just trying to understand both sides.

 

[798686]

I think the wisest advice is to stay out of it unless it involves you. But...having said that, I usually get involved. :S

Doesn't always work out well tho, cos I tend to weigh in on the side of the underdog, and later realise they were in the wrong after all. :/ Usually pays to get the facts, I guess.

 

[luka82]

I always get involved whether the friend I support is right or wrong.
If the person is right I publically support them, if they are wrong I usually express my opinion privately. But I will never support any wrong doing by a friend no matter how much I love them.

 

[Drifterwood]

Hi K8-t

I step in, though differently in differing circumstances. Recently I just went and made my presence known when someone was screaming at someone in a wheelchair.

I have physically stepped in and I have put myself in a situation where it could have become violent.

The latter incident has made me think; it was very late, I was a bit drunk and if the three of them had wanted to "mess me up bad", they probably could have done. These incidents have ocurred in the last five years or so, I am not some sort of vigilante out looking for trouble every night.

There's no point being a dead hero, but if you are able, I hope people will help each other in distressing and abusive situations.

 

[helgaleena]

K8, if the children were in public, they were fair game for anyone to correct rudeness. You refrained only because your sister was there and since it was her child, it was her call until she stepped away. I think you did the correct thing simply because she was there. But I feel she was in the wrong for allowing others to be rude in her presence at all. It is sad that she learned this and is passing it on. Good manners are to be shared in a society.

Whether you are a shouter or a withdrawer is a matter of temperament, but I am sure both you and your sister have an ideal of propriety that you both strive to achieve. If you bring it up with her, stress that common ground.

 

[Bbucko]

Put me in the group of loyally defending those whom I love from unprovoked attack, verbal or otherwise. But I completely disdain violence as a matter of principle and go to enormous lengths to avoid it unless absolutely necessary.

Kids and their parents have a dynamic that I avoid like the plague. Any intervention only escalates and spreads the rage, so I avoid it, clam up, ignore it. It's seriously none of my concern, though if I saw a parent truly going berserk, I'd alert the closest security person or cop.

As someone who works in a nightclub (where drunken fisticuffs are all too common), bar brawls are only fit for a lower rung of humanity.

 

[got_lost]

Hi DW! :wink:

It's good to hear that there are still some that stand up for others and that I'm not alone.

It's not something that at this time I'm going to discuss with my sister as in all honesty I think it's her I'm trying to work out and I'm a bit too personally involved to be able to have an objective conversation with her.

Ultimately I s'pose I'm hoping to understand how a big sister and a Dad looked the other way as another family member screamed at and emotionally abused a younger kid, throughout her childhood (or life...) and hardly ever stood up for her.

But it's not a rare thing at all. I heard a friend saying recently about a woman she knew who went off on a bitchfest at someone else in a group of friends who really hadn't done much wrong. Others in the same group are still pretty supportive of the screamer, saying they just want a quiet life and for everyone to get on, leaving the one who was shouted at/bullied alone and unsupported and imho, the bitch not learning a damned thing that that's not how you treat people!

Just made me think :redface:

Thx for offering your opinions - do appreciate it.

 

[sleepiboi]

I'm really shy, but if I see a situation where it looks like I NEED to do something, I'll do it such as a couple arguing and it going too far, or people being disrespectful to someone, no matter HOW young or old. I don't want to jump in every single time because even I know that things happen, but when time calls I'll do what I have to do.

 

[B_jeepguy2]

I have never really seen but one situation like this. I was in Walmart once and this guy was arguing with and being very verbally abusive to this woman he was with (I assume she was his wife) I started to say something to him about it, but I am 5'10", and about 160lbs, and this guy was about 6'4" and over 200lbs so I kept my mouth shut figuring she got herself into the situation she was in by either dating or marrying that asshole. :wink: