Do you think a closeted gay man can really live out his life as a heterosexual man?

simcha

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No. I don't believe it's possible to be other than you are. You can act as if you were a heterosexual by engaging in disgusting and deviant heterosexual behavior as a closeted homosexual.
 

hypolimnas

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quote=buddy7706;867019}

How do gay guys actually marry and have kids without being in love with their spouses?

Throughout history, and the world's cultures, love marriages have quite often not been the norm. Social and family stability, economics and financial advantage have often been important issues than love in "arranged marriages".

Once overheard at the hairdresser:

Female Client: It's my fiftieth wedding anniversary this weekend.

Hair dresser: Oh, that's wonderful.

Female Client: I've hated every minute of it.


Can a gay man who does not want to live a gay life really just live a heterosexual one with no problems?

Everything has a price. Some people think it might be worth it, or not see that they have any choices. Of course a lot of people choose to be miserable because they don't feel they deserve any better.

My own feeling it that I came out early (at school) because of educational and family support (neither of my parents were exclusively straight). I am comfortable to be known as someone who has sex with men because I have been lucky to have many other advantages including the kind of work that I do, supportive friends in every way, liberal community/society etc.

Everyone makes choices based on the resources they have at their disposal, and their assessment of the risks involved. Everyone decides what they are prepared to settle for in life.

Should people risk more to be happier? I'd probably say yes. If your life is ruled by fear then there are positive strategies to consider, and support is out there.

People are definitely afraid of what they don't know. The first step is to become informed and find a supportive friend you can trust then start to explore. Nothing different from making any other changes perhaps?
 
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wldhoney

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I was just wondering, do you think a closet gay man can really live out his whole life as a heterosexual or does every gay male eventually give in or give up living life a lie? and how do gay guys actually marry and have kids without being in love with their spouses. And how do they pull it off for yearrs even? Can a gay man who does not want to live a gay life really just live a heterosexual one with no problems.. Any guys out there doing that ?? letss here how you do it?


I think they can and they do, but they are never really able to be themselves, sot they are held back from reaching their full potential. It’s sad to think of how many bright stars we may have missed because someone felt they had to dim their light.
 

Not_Punny

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I've been through this personally. After ten years of marriage and three kids, my ex came out of the closet. It devastated me because BLAM! - there went Christmas and the whole "American" dream.

I really wish that people would explore their sexuality BEFORE getting married and having kids. And if they DO wish to have the whole family/kid thing, then the wife/husband should know about it before tying the knot.

This is why gay marriage oughta be allowed -- it's sexual discrimination to declare that only "straight" people can have a family life. Jeez Louise!

And for the record, my ex is one of my best friend nows, and yes, we do Christmas as one big family.
 
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DC_DEEP

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<...>
As it stands right now, I'm not really happy but I don't think that my family and friends would accept me if I was openly bi.

So it's either continue to live life the same old way, unhappily, or test out the waters secretly (I do live 2 hours away from the family and most of my friends as I have just moved).

Any thoughts? :confused:
Actually, yes. I spent way too many precious years of my life thinking exactly that same thing. Due to an unusual series of circumstances, I ended up coming out to one of my sisters, with whom I had always been very close. She convinced me that I HAD to come out to the rest of the family. I thought about it for a while, and realized that if I came out, and they accepted me, everything would be better for everyone. If I came out and they didn't accept me, they didn't deserve me. Either way, it was more important to me to be honest with myself than it was to worry about how anyone else felt. I worked up my nerve, and decided that if they have a problem with it, it's their problem, not mine... and their loss, have a good life.

I was fortunate. No problems.

But if any had gotten bent out of shape, I was (at that point) prepared to say "I'm no different now than all the years you have known and loved me. If your feelings change, it proves you are shallow, and not worthy of my friendship." I never did have to say it, but I would have, and I would have meant it.

I really wish that people would explore their sexuality BEFORE getting married and having kids. And if they DO wish to have the whole family/kid thing, then the wife/husband should know about it before tying the knot.

This is why gay marriage oughta be allowed -- it's sexual discrimination to declare that only "straight" people can have a family life. Jeez Louise!

And for the record, my ex is one of my best friend nows, and yes, we do Christmas as one big family.
THANK YOU, HOTMILF!!!!! You've got it figured out. The problem breaking up these families is not homosexuals, but homophobia. If we weren't treated as third-class citizens, the number of (closeted) gay men marrying straight women would be cut down to probably about zero. I'm sure some gay men would still marry women, but it would be on the up-and-up, and for reasons that they share. It would not have to be one person lying to everyone else to keep up appearances. Bless you!
 

Lucky_Luke

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I can't see why any human being must publicly declare their sexual preference. That seems absurd.

I see no reason why a man cannot keep his sexuality private, by his own choice.

Many people consider the obsession with 'sexual identity' to be friviolous and/or insulting - much inferior to their identity as human beings.
 

wldhoney

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I can't see why any human being must publicly declare their sexual preference. That seems absurd.

I see no reason why a man cannot keep his sexuality private, by his own choice.

Many people consider the obsession with 'sexual identity' to be friviolous and/or insulting - much inferior to their identity as human beings.

Hello, Lucky_Luke....

I don't think it's a matter of standing on the corner and yelling it out or wearing a sign. But they shouldn't have to or feel the need to hide it either. And it's not all about sex, but the little things we do when we are attracted to or care about someone. Anyone should be able to, and even want to, walk down the street holding the hand of the one they care about because they are proud of that person. I find nothing inferior in that at all. I can't imagine going out and not being able to lay my head on my man's shoulder, or put my arms around his neck and kiss him. And I always smile when I see others do the same, no matter who they are with.

And how can someone's identity in any aspect of their life, whether as son, sister, employee, race, be considered obsessive, frivolous or insulting? That's not about the person being who they are, but rather is felt by those observing. They are the ones who feel uncomfortable.
 

Not_Punny

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Thank you, DC_Deep!:smile:

And you are right, Lucky_Luke, this should be a matter of choice. But when it comes to starting a family, this is no time to keep a secret. And hopefully someday soon secrets won't be needed.
 

DC_DEEP

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I can't see why any human being must publicly declare their sexual preference. That seems absurd.
It is absurd, but
I don't think it's a matter of standing on the corner and yelling it out or wearing a sign. But they shouldn't have to or feel the need to hide it either.
There's more to being in the closet than "publicly declaring" one's orientation. Living with the love of your life for 20+ years is not necessarily "publicly declaring." But it's not being in the closet, either. There are so many subtle aspects of living one's life honestly that are just not possible for some people in current society.

I used to be a teacher in public school, in a rural area. I had to be exceptionally careful, and even at that, the rumors went around. (Fortunately, they were semi-acceptable. They included my "secret girlfriend," and one rumor went around that I was dating a female student. I was not.) Do you see a distinction between being able to live your life, and publicly declaring? Our art teacher didn't stand on a street corner screaming "I am a heterosexual." But since we all knew her husband, and knew her, we pretty much knew she was. Good thing for her, heterosexuality was NOT grounds for dismissal. Homosexuality is.
 

benderten2001

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I've read about a number of men (mostly) who HAVE lived out their lives heterosexually.

But the fact remains, and must be accepted, even discussed in my (Christian) reading on this subject...

Despite counseling, therapy, prayer, meditation, whatever--
Homosexual feelings, more often than not, usually don't ever completely go away.

I suppose (then) one just learns to ignore them...if one really does want to live heterosexually.
 

B_analboyuk

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find yourself a nice guy locally, try sucking some dick and see how you feel after......maybe a visit to Rooster rock will be anonymous enough.....
 

Smartalk

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I was married for 20 years and loved my wife dearly we have two wonderful children. I had always had feeling for guys, which I had told my wife about before we got married. She said it was not a problem I was still the man she had come to know and love and always thought her love would change the way I felt. Not so. As the years passed it became more and more difficult to suppress my feelings for men, having a detrimental effect on my physical and mental health. Not that I am proud of the fact, but my wife discoverd that I had had an affair with a guy, and thus the marrage ended. This caused a lot of hurt and distress to all concerned. something I would not wish on anyone. I am now living the life of an openly gay man, but ironically I have not had a relationship since my divorce. The main thing is that I am able to be the person I have always been inside, which is a huge weight off my shoulders. In my youth it was a criminal offence to be homosexual, later it was classed as a mental disorder. Now to day the age of concent has been lowered to sixteen and the younger generation are more accepting of homosexuallity. Hopefully the life/lie that I lived will be a thing of the past as gay men and women are accepted by society. Removing the innate fear of rejection and loss that so many have experienced in the past
 
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Corius

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My own thought is that if one is fortunate to have had meaningful experiences with both men and women one learns that the important thing in the relationship is the bond of friendship/love which is created between partners. In my day I accepted the fact that the sex would end when educational and career moves ended the easy access between partners. The wonderful thing to me is that, though the sexual relationship ends, the friendship and love continue. All of my (few) former partners are still dear friends whom I love. Of course I treasure the memory of the sex we enjoyed, but the sex was only a wonderful part, never the whole or even the most important part, of the relationship. Sex is fleeting; love endures!
 
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deleted213967

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Carlos Mencia did a great piece on the racial (latino) version of the dilemma this thread raises:

"Wetback Mountain".

Don't miss it!
 

B_Hung Jon

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To this is more a problem with bisexual guys, at least in my experience and the peeps I know. The bi guys so often are married to a women and have kids, and then at some point, the whole sexual need and desire for guys raises it's head. Seems to be a problem for a lot of men.
 

Baxter6

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I have always had feelings for guys and tried to deny it even though it was fuel for fantasies and I acted out with a few friends as a teenager. Grew up in conservative religious home that did not discuss or encourage any sexuality so found my own way with more interest in guys. I did want heirs and a traditional family - so when I married it was to a friend and a lady I loved and still do. 10+ years later we have a child and the house with the proverbial white picket fence. I am happy with my life and would not change it even though I have limited my gay side and masturbate more looking at gay porn than getting busy with the wife. And that's my two cents worth.
 

D_Rod Staffinbone

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I know many men who married women and later realized that they preferred gay sex. And there is no doubt in my mind that they loved their wives when they married and had loving caring relationships with them. Some are still married, primarily because of children but most have divorced and moved on. Sexuality is such a incessant and strong craving that can't be ignored very easily.

Your sexuality may also change and people come to realize things at different times of their life.


earllogjam, you are a wise man. also throw into the mix that one can be a
bisexual in a monogamous hetrosexual relationship, and be honest
about it from the start. why do most assume someone is "living a
lie"? how about giving people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to
their own sexuality.

usually the ones "living a lie" have some family or religious indoctrination
that controls them.


offroad
 

auncut10in

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I grew up in a very religious family and being gay was not really an option. So I thought that if I just got married, somehow these feelings I had for guys would go away. I got married very young to a wonderful woman. I guess I picked her more on who she was than any sexual excitement. Maybe that is a better way to choose a partner, more intellectual and not so emotional. On our honeymoon was the first time I had ever had sex with a woman in my life. We ended up having kids right away. I remember those first couple of years thinking that if we only had sex more often, things would somehow change. But no matter how much sex we had, nothing changes. It was then that I realized I was gay forever. You can&#8217;t change how you are hardwired.

I felt that I had made a commitment and that I owed it to my kids to stay in the marriage. I didn't want to be a weekend dad. So I stayed in the marriage until my kids were done with high school. When the last one was in high school, I came out to my family and friends. Yeah it was very hard. But even harder for me was living this lie. I just couldn't do it any longer. When you have this big dark secret in your life, no matter how much people tell you they love you, deep down inside, you say to yourself, they love me because of who they think I am. And you wonder if they would still love you if they knew that you were gay. So you end up never trusting anyone's love. It is a hard way to live. Our marriage ended of course. A lot of my family will have no contact with me. I am not invited to family events. My x wife and I are still good friends. My children love me and we still spend a lot of time together. And most of all, despite all of the problems, I am more happy in my life then I have ever been because now I can be honest with myself and those who know me. So do you know what the hardest part in all of this is? Knowing that when I was 21, I lied to a very wonderful person who did not deserve to be married to a gay man. I am responsible for that. But I am not alone in the blame. When society tells us that being gay is evil, it forces guys that want to not be evil to drag innocent lives into that lie.
 
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Corius

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I have come to the happy realization that I am not unlike a host of other men. I have been very happy as a married man, but I was also very happy in three long-term sexual relationships with men. I have never been sexually promiscuous and I view what happens between two persons sexually as personal and private. Though the "morality snoops" were around the best they could do was to judge from what they saw. Yes, we were closeted and we had the good sense in public not to draw their attention. I wish more men would discover the side of their sexuality which they tend to repress while they are still young. I feel especially for those who live with the frustration of being married and finally discovering that there is that other side of their sexuality which they have never experienced. I freely admit that I found love with male partners wonderful, but I also testify that love with a female partner is also wonderful. What the public sees is all that they will get; fortunately, they don't ask and I don't tell.