Do you think a closeted gay man can really live out his life as a heterosexual man?

earllogjam

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Can a gay man live out his life as a heterosexual man?

I suppose it depends on a large part on how much sex is a component of your life. And how much you define yourself by who you have sex with. I've met many "straight" identified guys who have sex with other guys and who live the life of a typical heterosexual male without any qualms about their gay sex.
 

killerb

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I think it can be done, however I don't think anyone involved would truly be happy. Unfortunately, I have a friend who is going through this situation right now...he is gay, but has a girlfriend and is planning to marry her...he actually told me that he thinks he can change...it's pretty sad...
 
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A fraternity brother of mine married a woman a couple of years ago and had a child with her. The only problem is that he is gay, but in complete denial. How do I know this? Well, my entire chapter knew he was gay, and when he got really hammered one night he openly admitted that he was gay to a few of us. Another time he made a pass at me. When I confronted him about the pass, he responded with "I was just kidding". I don't care that he's gay, but I feel incredibly sorry for his wife and kid because I think one day the truth will come out. I think that part of the reason for his denial is because his best friend is totally homophobic. His best friend even asked me once if this guy was gay (that's how obvious it was).

There was a thing on this once on Oprah called "being on the DL" (Down Low). It was about married "straight" guys secretly having sex with other men, but living their lives as heterosexual men. Google the topic, and I'm sure you'll find a lot of information about it.
 

Phil Ayesho

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Anyone can do what they choose to do... as long as they do it open eyed and because it is what they want to do.


Many men have lived closeted lives, and lived happily.

And I know many men who opted to come out, get divorced and be true to their homosexual preferences... who have been terribly sad and unfulfilled in their 'new' lives....

Men who have lost relationships with family, with children, over their decision... men who simply are not that attractive to other gay men, who come out and find no man who wants them...


Sexual desires and attractions are not the hub on which happiness turns. I know very few elderly people who count anything related to sex as their greatest accomplishments, nor the source of their deepest happiness.

If I was Gay...yet married to a woman I loved dearly... with children I loved dearly... with a comfortable home and social standing....

Would I be "happier" if I gave all of that up... just because the person I love doesn't have a dick?

In the big picture.... just how important IS a dick? How important is it to satisfy a biological drive to engage in mindless physical congress with another guy?


Living the gay life openly is no guarantee of a happy life, anymore than living a heterosexual life is a guarantee of a happy life.

Put down your dicks and look aorund you and honestly assess your life..
both what you stand to gain, and what you stand to lose...

Do not follow the path of penis...

Follow the path of heart.
 

titan1968

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I believe that's it isn't any worse than two straight people who marry and later divorce because they're unable to make their marriage work. Neither party should feel ashamed. In my opinion, it takes considerably more courage to end a marriage because it isn't working than to ''live a lie''.

To answer the question, I think a closeted gay man can really live out his life as a heterosexual man, but at a tremendous emotional cost--life must seem dreary and unfulfilling.

Question: when or how did you realise it was time to end it?


I grew up in a very religious family and being gay was not really an option. So I thought that if I just got married, somehow these feelings I had for guys would go away. I got married very young to a wonderful woman. I guess I picked her more on who she was than any sexual excitement. Maybe that is a better way to choose a partner, more intellectual and not so emotional. On our honeymoon was the first time I had ever had sex with a woman in my life. We ended up having kids right away. I remember those first couple of years thinking that if we only had sex more often, things would somehow change. But no matter how much sex we had, nothing changes. It was then that I realized I was gay forever. You can’t change how you are hardwired.

I felt that I had made a commitment and that I owed it to my kids to stay in the marriage. I didn't want to be a weekend dad. So I stayed in the marriage until my kids were done with high school. When the last one was in high school, I came out to my family and friends. Yeah it was very hard. But even harder for me was living this lie. I just couldn't do it any longer. When you have this big dark secret in your life, no matter how much people tell you they love you, deep down inside, you say to yourself, they love me because of who they think I am. And you wonder if they would still love you if they knew that you were gay. So you end up never trusting anyone's love. It is a hard way to live. Our marriage ended of course. A lot of my family will have no contact with me. I am not invited to family events. My x wife and I are still good friends. My children love me and we still spend a lot of time together. And most of all, despite all of the problems, I am more happy in my life then I have ever been because now I can be honest with myself and those who know me. So do you know what the hardest part in all of this is? Knowing that when I was 21, I lied to a very wonderful person who did not deserve to be married to a gay man. I am responsible for that. But I am not alone in the blame. When society tells us that being gay is evil, it forces guys that want to not be evil to drag innocent lives into that lie.
 

nakedwally

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I was just wondering, do you think a closet gay man can really live out his whole life as a heterosexual or does every gay male eventually give in or give up living life a lie? and how do gay guys actually marry and have kids without being in love with their spouses. And how do they pull it off for yearrs even? Can a gay man who does not want to live a gay life really just live a heterosexual one with no problems.. Any guys out there doing that ?? letss here how you do it?

This topic can be quite debateable as I know several guys who are closeted and for different reasons chose not to come out to the world, I think it is possible to a certain degree, but then again why live and pretend to be someone you aren't, Be who you are and Live life to it's fullest because pretending to be something you are not is just a form of running away from your problems
 

killerb

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^I totally agree...

I think it's sad that people feel they have to hide who they truly are because they fear what others will think or say.

I've said this before, but yes a closeted gay man CAN live out his life as a hetero man, but it will be a life full of deceit and regret.
 

flame boy

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I have a friend who is much older than I am and he was married for a number of years before he finally "caved in" (his words). He married his wife when he was quite young due to the expectation of his family, he said he knew he was gay when he married her but he was too scared to do anything about it. He and his wife had a child together (once again he said it was out of expectation) and then they just lived their lives, they didn't have sex with each other and they basically were two separate people pretending to share a life. His wife knew he was gay, he never said anything to her but when he was 53 he decided that he couldn't ruin another persons life any longer and he and his wife divorced. He is now very happy and living with another guy, and his wife too has found a new lover.

I think that many, many gay men have lived their lives totally in the closet which I, personally, find very depressing. I understand that for various reasons people may wish to keep it quiet and even deny who they really are, but living your life by not being yourself is something that I find very sad indeed.

My friend loves his kid very much and he says he will always love his (now ex) wife and he had to come out of closet because he was scared about getting older with his other half and never being his true self.
 

killerb

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I have a friend who is much older than I am and he was married for a number of years before he finally "caved in" (his words). He married his wife when he was quite young due to the expectation of his family, he said he knew he was gay when he married her but he was too scared to do anything about it. He and his wife had a child together (once again he said it was out of expectation) and then they just lived their lives, they didn't have sex with each other and they basically were two separate people pretending to share a life. His wife knew he was gay, he never said anything to her but when he was 53 he decided that he couldn't ruin another persons life any longer and he and his wife divorced. He is now very happy and living with another guy, and his wife too has found a new lover.

I think that many, many gay men have lived their lives totally in the closet which I, personally, find very depressing. I understand that for various reasons people may wish to keep it quiet and even deny who they really are, but living your life by not being yourself is something that I find very sad indeed.

My friend loves his kid very much and he says he will always love his (now ex) wife and he had to come out of closet because he was scared about getting older with his other half and never being his true self.

really sad...I also have a friend who is pretty young and is about to go through this very same thing himself...he doesn't want his family to know his secret and he's planning to get married...the worst part is that his gf has no idea he's been cheating on her with men the whole time they've been together...

I've tried to encourage him to just be honest with himself and everyone else, but he's really fearful of the repercussions...

Personally I don't think he'll be able to continue the charade forever, but I no longer say anything to him about it. I simply told him that I won't be at the wedding & I don't want to hear anything about it.
 

MarkLondon

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...the worst part is that his gf has no idea he's been cheating on her with men the whole time they've been together...

Cheating on her? Or getting a bit of cock now and again?

If he's not out, and not looking to settle down with a male lover (you said men, not a man) and if he takes care not to put himself or her at risk, is it cheating?

Many, many married men will have sex with a man if the opportunity arises to do so without being caught. Very few of them decide to leave their wife and lead a gay lifestyle. Some do, when the kids are old enough to be independent. Some get on fine with their wife and kids after doing so.

I've made love with a few married men. Not one of them has ever said "take me away from all this", they do genuinely love their wives - their life partners and mothers of their children. Often they are very proud of them indeed. They just want to do something different now and again. Men usually make love differently with men than they do with women and I don't think it's necessarily a threat to the marriage.
 

D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead

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I mess around on the side from time to time.

Been married for freakin' ever; I love my wife; I love my family. I am very discrete. Making love with my wife is a transcendent, intimate, powerful experience every time I get to do it.

Messin' around with another dude is just great fun, like a more intense version of playing ball or wrestling with them. It just feels good in a totally different way.

It doesn't make me want to ditch my wife; on the contrary, it makes me genuinely and humbly appreciative that along with this body, my soul got the blessing of being bi this time around. Men and women are both so hot in their own very different ways! Taking a buddy's cockhead in my mouth makes me harder than hell in the same way that fondling my wife's clit with my tongue does.

But ... ultimately ... it's my wife that completes me. And part of that is her being female in contrast to my being male.

To those gay guys who form intimate, long-term relationships together, I sincerely wish you the best! But we're different; just 'cause I like bumping naked body parts with another guy every now and then, it doesn't mean that I'm interested in going all the way to a long-term relationship that way. You can say I'm in denial, but we bi guys really are different from both straight men and gay men.

Now, if a truly gay man were stuck in a marriage with a woman, that's a shame. You have to express your sexual energy in a way you find most meaningful. That's how you make the most of your time on earth.
 

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What about predominantly straight guys who live their lives with similar anguish because of guilt over gay feelings because of society? I would wager that this happens with an enormous amount of men.
 

Industrialsize

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I was just wondering, do you think a closet gay man can really live out his whole life as a heterosexual or does every gay male eventually give in or give up living life a lie? and how do gay guys actually marry and have kids without being in love with their spouses. And how do they pull it off for yearrs even? Can a gay man who does not want to live a gay life really just live a heterosexual one with no problems.. Any guys out there doing that ?? letss here how you do it?
Not happily
 

dudepiston

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Bravo, Phil. I think you brought up many great points.

To this I'd add ---

We're NOT our cravings. Sure I might crave a certain thing - chocolate cake, a European vacation, sex with a male friend. But I'm NOT the craving, and it's not who I am deep down inside. When you realize this, it's quite freeing really and has nothing to do with denial. It has to do with recognizing who we ARE as living forms on Earth. This is probably something that older folks (elders) realize on some level...and a reason why they might not count sexual encounters as that important or accomplishments. Our sexual cravings & needs ARE important, I'm not saying they're not. But if we step back a few feet (or miles) and take a look at the situation more objectively then perhaps we see that it's only one piece of the puzzle. The path to enlightenment and happiness is broader than this stuff.

I know, in my BONES, that if I left and lived a more openly 'gay life' I'd not be any 'happier' than I am right now because happiness for me is not a constant anyway. Further, I'm not attractive to gay men (never have been, and I know this to be fact) so really, what's the point? What would change? I'm not terribly unhappy now, and I'd feel probably pretty much the same, then. I'm beginning to learn that happiness comes more from within.

:biggrin1:

Anyone can do what they choose to do... as long as they do it open eyed and because it is what they want to do.


Many men have lived closeted lives, and lived happily.

And I know many men who opted to come out, get divorced and be true to their homosexual preferences... who have been terribly sad and unfulfilled in their 'new' lives....

Men who have lost relationships with family, with children, over their decision... men who simply are not that attractive to other gay men, who come out and find no man who wants them...


Sexual desires and attractions are not the hub on which happiness turns. I know very few elderly people who count anything related to sex as their greatest accomplishments, nor the source of their deepest happiness.

If I was Gay...yet married to a woman I loved dearly... with children I loved dearly... with a comfortable home and social standing....

Would I be "happier" if I gave all of that up... just because the person I love doesn't have a dick?

In the big picture.... just how important IS a dick? How important is it to satisfy a biological drive to engage in mindless physical congress with another guy?


Living the gay life openly is no guarantee of a happy life, anymore than living a heterosexual life is a guarantee of a happy life.

Put down your dicks and look aorund you and honestly assess your life..
both what you stand to gain, and what you stand to lose...

Do not follow the path of penis...

Follow the path of heart.
 

killerb

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Cheating on her? Or getting a bit of cock now and again?

If he's not out, and not looking to settle down with a male lover (you said men, not a man) and if he takes care not to put himself or her at risk, is it cheating?

Many, many married men will have sex with a man if the opportunity arises to do so without being caught. Very few of them decide to leave their wife and lead a gay lifestyle. Some do, when the kids are old enough to be independent. Some get on fine with their wife and kids after doing so.

I've made love with a few married men. Not one of them has ever said "take me away from all this", they do genuinely love their wives - their life partners and mothers of their children. Often they are very proud of them indeed. They just want to do something different now and again. Men usually make love differently with men than they do with women and I don't think it's necessarily a threat to the marriage.

yes, CHEATING on her...if she believes that they are in an exclusive relationship & he's having sex outside of that without her knowledge, that is, in fact, cheating...and yes, I did say he was cheating with "men" but I meant men in general...the fact is, he's cheating with a guy he had a prior relationship with...

regarding any other married men who have sex with men on the side, I will never understand why they think that's ok...especially when the wife has no clue...
 

SirNeal8

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I was just wondering, do you think a closet gay man can really live out his whole life as a heterosexual or does every gay male eventually give in or give up living life a lie? and how do gay guys actually marry and have kids without being in love with their spouses. And how do they pull it off for yearrs even? Can a gay man who does not want to live a gay life really just live a heterosexual one with no problems.. Any guys out there doing that ?? letss here how you do it?

Well, though this topic has generated quite a few responses, I'll add mine, having had some experience with this very recently.

I have long suspected that a retired friend of mine is gay, yet he is married (40-something years) with two children, one granddaughter, etc. About a year ago he started making interesting gestures toward me: hinting I might enjoy a nude yoga dvd, picking up a book for me on gay sex/relationships that he saw at a book faire, sending me links to self-published photo-books of nude men that he just "happened to find" while researching for his own book, etc.

One morning, he stopped by to show me the book he was working on (he's a photographer). I was shirtless and wearing gym shorts which were, of course, showing a decent bulge. We talked for a while and I looked at his book. Somehow, he ended up rubbing my shoulders. When I felt his crotch press into my butt and his fingers circles my nipples, I asked him, "What can I do for you?"

There were actually very few words spoken after that. I took him into a different room, closed the door and allowed him to strip me. I did ask him, "Are you sure you want to do this?" He only nodded. Soon we were both naked and he was feeling me up, very pleased with my length and girth. (He was smaller than average, himself.) Moments later he was on his knees giving me a blowjob. I sat back in a chair and let him go to it, massaging his head and shoulders from time to time.

I asked if he wanted to have anal sex; I'd be willing to top him if that's what he was after. He said "no," and that even if he wanted to, he didn't think he could receive my cock. I smiled and said, "You'd be surprised." All the same, he just kept sucking my cock. The sounds he was making -- it was like decades of pent-up desire: moans, deep-throated grunts, heavy breathing, sighing.

In truth, I was erect, but not hot on this guy. Eventually, knowing that I was probably not going to blow my own load -- that wasn't really what I was after; I simply wanted to give him what he needed -- I had him stand up and turn around. I pressed my dick against his butt and reached around him to jerk him off. Within seconds he was groaning, spasming and shooting his wad. The man had a quick trigger!

"Is it okay if I don't cum?" I asked sincerely. He said it was. I helped him clean up and we both got dressed. I asked him how many times over the length of his marriage he had done something like this. He said, "Maybe six times, total." And he was pretty forward in telling me that this would be our "only time," which was fine with me...but which I kinda doubt. We'll see.

My point is this: there are SO many men in his generation (retired age now) who married because being gay was simply socially out of the question, and they have been well-closeted for decades. I'm sure that they come out for a tryst here and there, like this friend did with me, and like so many men who oogle me in airport and restaurant bathrooms. But to be quite honest, I'm very happy and even honored to be one of the guys that helps them do so. These men REALLY need a release! And I personally don't think it makes them worse husbands or fathers. They don't tend to abandon their families and become gay lovers, in my experience. Rather, they have their much-needed "fun" and then go back to life as usual until they need the outlet again. Is it an ideal lifestyle? I don't think so. Is it manageable for them? Apparently, yes.

This has been my experience with many, many, many "straight, married men," especially in the older generations. I don't wish their situation on anyone, of course, but am happy to be someone they can turn to in moments of libidinous crisis.

True stuff here. 100%.
 
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hot-rod

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I used to know a woman whose husband left her for another man. She was distraught at first, thinking that she was so awful an example of a woman that she drove him to men, but then she met his lover - her reaction, "Why, he's a male version of me!" They grew to be friends after that.

I could've told her that it wasn't anything she did to "drive" him to another man. He was gay to begin with. It's sad that society disapproves so much that people feel that they have to do this. It was not fair to him or to her.
:smile: This is a freakin hoot! lmao
 

walker12

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SirNeal8,

Where have you been? It is nice to hear from you.

I have missed you so much.

No one is better at describing an encounter like you. You are the best writer on this site.

Welcome back and I hope to read more from you.

Dedric