Do you think a closeted gay man can really live out his life as a heterosexual man?

[SirNeal8]

Thanks Dedric. I appreciate the props. I'm glad to be back and sharing more of my life experiences. You can certainly count on more as they happen...or as I remember them from years past.

 

[walker12]

SirNeal8,

I am impressed by how you handled this situation.

You make me proud to be a gay man.

Dedric

Well, though this topic has generated quite a few responses, I'll add mine, having had some experience with this very recently.

I have long suspected that a retired friend of mine is gay, yet he is married (40-something years) with two children, one granddaughter, etc. About a year ago he started making interesting gestures toward me: hinting I might enjoy a nude yoga dvd, picking up a book for me on gay sex/relationships that he saw at a book faire, sending me links to self-published photo-books of nude men that he just "happened to find" while researching for his own book, etc.

One morning, he stopped by to show me the book he was working on (he's a photographer). I was shirtless and wearing gym shorts which were, of course, showing a decent bulge. We talked for a while and I looked at his book. Somehow, he ended up rubbing my shoulders. When I felt his crotch press into my butt and his fingers circles my nipples, I asked him, "What can I do for you?"

There were actually very few words spoken after that. I took him into a different room, closed the door and allowed him to strip me. I did ask him, "Are you sure you want to do this?" He only nodded. Soon we were both naked and he was feeling me up, very pleased with my length and girth. (He was smaller than average, himself.) Moments later he was on his knees giving me a blowjob. I sat back in a chair and let him go to it, massaging his head and shoulders from time to time.

I asked if he wanted to have anal sex; I'd be willing to top him if that's what he was after. He said "no," and that even if he wanted to, he didn't think he could receive my cock. I smiled and said, "You'd be surprised." All the same, he just kept sucking my cock. The sounds he was making -- it was like decades of pent-up desire: moans, deep-throated grunts, heavy breathing, sighing.

In truth, I was erect, but not hot on this guy. Eventually, knowing that I was probably not going to blow my own load -- that wasn't really what I was after; I simply wanted to give him what he needed -- I had him stand up and turn around. I pressed my dick against his butt and reached around him to jerk him off. Within seconds he was groaning, spasming and shooting his wad. The man had a quick trigger!

"Is it okay if I don't cum?" I asked sincerely. He said it was. I helped him clean up and we both got dressed. I asked him how many times over the length of his marriage he had done something like this. He said, "Maybe six times, total." And he was pretty forward in telling me that this would be our "only time," which was fine with me...but which I kinda doubt. We'll see.

My point is this: there are SO many men in his generation (retired age now) who married because being gay was simply socially out of the question, and they have been well-closeted for decades. I'm sure that they come out for a tryst here and there, like this friend did with me, and like so many men who oogle me in airport and restaurant bathrooms. But to be quite honest, I'm very happy and even honored to be one of the guys that helps them do so. These men REALLY need a release! And I personally don't think it makes them worse husbands or fathers. They don't tend to abandon their families and become gay lovers, in my experience. Rather, they have their much-needed "fun" and then go back to life as usual until they need the outlet again. Is it an ideal lifestyle? I don't think so. Is it manageable for them? Apparently, yes.

This has been my experience with many, many, many "straight, married men," especially in the older generations. I don't wish their situation on anyone, of course, but am happy to be someone they can turn to in moments of libidinous crisis.

True stuff here. 100%.

 

[SirNeal8]

Again, thank you. I think any gracefulness of the moment came from my desire to really help the guy, rather than to somehow gain from the situation myself. It made the experience a lot less sexual for me than I anticipated, but still fulfilling in an altruistic kind of way...if that makes sense.

 

[silvertriumph2]

I was just wondering, do you think a closet gay man can really live out his whole life as a heterosexual or does every gay male eventually give in or give up living life a lie? and how do gay guys actually marry and have kids without being in love with their spouses. And how do they pull it off for yearrs even? Can a gay man who does not want to live a gay life really just live a heterosexual one with no problems.. Any guys out there doing that ?? letss here how you do it?

Hi buddy:
I've read 3 of the 7 pages of answers and decided since most were pretty much the
same that I would post my reply now...

I am BI, but if I used my Gay part, I think I can give my point of view too. I would say
YES, because it has been done by millions without being discovered...or as far as we
know.

I had an active sex life with both men and women before I met, fell in love, married a
wonderful lady, and became a father. Never once did I ever stray and have sex or
have a relationship of any kind with either a male or female while we were married. I
lived and led a completely straight life during that time. I won't say that my eyes did
not stray occasionally when I saw an exceptionally handsome man or beautiful woman,
but I never acted out on those feelings. I would have never disrespected my wife or broken our wedding vows.

I have been in a committed relationship with another BI male for over 20+ years and I
have not once strayed during that time. I love him as I did my wife, and even though
I do enjoy looking and engaging in friendships and chatts, etc. with others, including
Gays, I would not take it any further.

I have Gay friends who are married and are fathers, I know they love their wives and
families very much, and all have led completely straight lives with no problem. I know
them well enough to know that none of them will ever stray or act out on their Gay
urges as long as they are married. Of course I only know the guy's side, on the most
part, and don't know if there are problems that I am not aware of, but I think I know
them well enough that they would share it with me if there were problems.

However, I have other Gay friends, also married, and some also fathers, who live two separate lives unknown by their wives....one as a straight husband and father, and the other as a fully active Closeted Gay. I don't know how they do it...I couldn't. Others I know have long ago divorced and never looked back.

So, yes, it can be done, but I think you have to be a very special person to be able to
do it.

 

[Gnashin Teefe]

perspective of a bi guy ...

perhaps i live a compartmentalized life, but i don't have a problem delineating who i love (wife, kids) with who i love to fuck (guys). one provides emotional satisfaction and the other provides physical gratification. i don't feel terribly conflicted about it. in fact - i'm glad i have both. together, both make for a pretty complete life.

 

[Randyvoorburg]

perspective of a bi guy ...

perhaps i live a compartmentalized life, but i don't have a problem delineating who i love (wife, kids) with who i love to fuck (guys). one provides emotional satisfaction and the other provides physical gratification. i don't feel terribly conflicted about it. in fact - i'm glad i have both. together, both make for a pretty complete life.

AMEN!

Actually, the worst thing about the situation are people who poke fun at, gossip, or even just wonder about us, or worse! Feel sorry for us who "might or might not be in the closet". I find it a challenge to simply brush it off and think that it's none of their business. Many gay men take it upon themselves to pull everyone out of the closet, I never quite understood this. If your sexuality was none of anyone's business, then neither are the choices we make: we're all just finding happiness and no one should be arrogant enough to say that they know the way to it because it's different for everyone. There seems to be this new doctrine about gayness going around about coming out. it sounds rhetoric, romantic, poetic, and movies have been made about it preaching that it's the way to go. But ultimately we never really know what goes on inside anyone else. I notice this with some gay men who seem to never have spent a minute in the closet, who have early on been assigned the gay identity, and have now adopted this self-righteous holier-than-thou attitude and place themselves above those who do chose to be "in the closet." Haven't gay men suffered enough from the judgement of society? Why do we now do it on each other? I appreciate the gay men who have truly ACCEPTED me for who I am regardless of the situation I've chosen, and are even sincerely concerned with my home situation, with no hint of judgement about the decisions I've made for myself. Sex with them is no big deal, sexuality does not even move into the realm of "issue." It means nothing more to us than going out for a burger. I've had "serious" relationships with men before and found out that that simply doesn't work for me, unfortunately. Sex with my wife, and a lasting emotional relationship is all worth it. Deep inside I know that this is what I want for now, I have no doubts that my friends will accept me if I come out, I couldn't care less about those who won't, but what really bothers me is the judgement and prying by people who think they know what life is about.

 

[Corius]

As the many different responses indicate there are different ways in which men deal with unresolved issues of sexual orientation in marriage. I have always been grateful that my first experience of real sex was with a classmate who was my age. We thought of ourselves as regular guys but when we developed genuine feelings of deep friendship and love we gave ourselves permission to show how we felt and that sexual relationship lasted for the last two years of high school. My initiation into a sexual relationship with a woman took place during the summer he was away and I was hooked on relationship on that side of my sexuality as well. In a strange way I was pleased that I could feel comfortable in sexual relationship with either a man or a woman and my subsequent relationships with men and women were more dictated by the way in which things happened. When I met the woman I have spent most of my life with there was no question in my mind; this was the person I was willing to bet the rest of my life with. Choices have to be made and I am grateful that my sexuality does not send me off to secretly enjoy the thrill of sexual relations with a man on the side as it were. I would not presume to judge those men who find themselves living as heterosexuals when all of their sexual appetite has turned toward men. Maybe we should encourage young men to experience bonding with men even to the point of sexual activity before they finally commit themselves to marriage. I have a sneaking suspicion that not all "gays" are completely satisfied with the gay life either. "Coming out" when one is not completely sure is, I think unwise. And, faithfulness in any relationship is still a thing to be highly honored.

 

[SirNeal8]

Maybe we should encourage young men to experience bonding with men even to the point of sexual activity before they finally commit themselves to marriage.

​

Hmm. I appreciate your thoughts on the subject and in general think that it would be great if people (young men and young women) could feel free to experience their sexuality with either men or women, no stigmas attached. Dream of that day!

I have a sneaking suspicion that not all "gays" are completely satisfied with the gay life either.

​

I think this is true. And I can speak for myself here. I love gay sex, but I would love to have sex with a woman from time to time. I'm pretty much gay-identified, but there are aspects of a woman's body that I find attractive and desireable...and I miss them.

Thank you for your part in this interesting conversation.

 

[Scrufuss]

I haven’t read all the posts to this question but my opinion is this;
Yes it is possible for a gay man to even love his wife and children dearly as he plays the life of a str8 man. BUT, there will always be a voice or feeling in the back of his mind telling him to thine own self be true. It may make him miserable or he may be able to ignore it, it all depends on his mindset [religious upbringing or whatever]. Some may even become “fagbashers” as a way of self-denial. I know 1 guy who started out str8 in his life but after some years and a few children later realized he can’t resist it and actually came out to his wife. He still lives with his wife and children but on the side, without much detail to his wife, lives a gay life and doesn’t have sex with his wife anymore…