Does anyone else feel this way? Older gay advice wanted

Malikj

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Hey guys. Im 30, i'm handsome but very sheltered, never had a gf or a bf before and have been running away from my sexuality my whole life. I dont know a lot of gay guys to talk to, and was wondering if you could provide some advice.

I got hooked on gay porn early in life, and watch for the intractons of the guys more than the sex. I have a serious dad kink, and love a dom dad type inspecting, instructing, or even humiliating younger. I love when a dad and son pee next to each other , share a women ect, I love the intimacy of a dad letting someone young watch him shower, would love for the dad to teach him, give him advice about sex etc.

I was fem as a boy and though my dad was kind, be didn't like me very much. I think Im yearning for intimacy with a dad type who wants to spend time with me more than sex and a relationship with one. I dont even consider myself gay, but I dont really like or have an interest in women either. Has anyone ever felt the same?
 
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briacon429

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I’m not sure I fully understand your question, but it sure sounds like you have a thing for daddies. I don’t think it necessarily has anything to do with your real-life dad, though I’m not a professional or anything, so I can’t say for sure. In my experience, a lot of guys just have a type, so it’s totally normal to like daddies, or twinks, or redheads, or whatever your type happens to be!

You said you’ve been running away from your sexuality, but then you said you didn’t consider yourself gay. I can’t tell if you meant to illustrate your point, but my advice to you is, don’t worry about labels. Just try things out and see what you like. That includes looking for a relationship if that’s what you want… just be forewarned, it takes a lot of trial and error, so don’t get too discouraged if it takes a while!
 

Malikj

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I’m not sure I fully understand your question, but it sure sounds like you have a thing for daddies. I don’t think it necessarily has anything to do with your real-life dad, though I’m not a professional or anything, so I can’t say for sure. In my experience, a lot of guys just have a type, so it’s totally normal to like daddies, or twinks, or redheads, or whatever your type happens to be!

You said you’ve been running away from your sexuality, but then you said you didn’t consider yourself gay. I can’t tell if you meant to illustrate your point, but my advice to you is, don’t worry about labels. Just try things out and see what you like. That includes looking for a relationship if that’s what you want… just be forewarned, it takes a lot of trial and error, so don’t get too discouraged if it takes a while!
hey thanks!

I suppose my first point was a bit of a ramble. I have thing for dads, but i guess im trying to determine if I just want a dad like figure in my life, as opposed to one I have sex with, and I guess I want to see if anyone else has ever felt this way. I yearn for intimacy with them more than sex, I want to shower with an older man or pee with one, acts that require trust and openness, but I dont want sexual contact.

I know it sounds crazy, but its kind of always been this way. Was just hoping to see if I was alone in this lol thanks again man
 
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Brodie888

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In my opinion there are two issues.

Firstly, your sexual identity. As a rough guide, I would suggest your orientation is similar to the percentage to your porn choice. Eg if you seek men in porn 90% of the time you are a bisexual with a 90% homosexual bias. Under these circumstances, a same sex relationship will be more satisfying. This has nothing to do with your daddy issues otherwise most men would be gay! In my opinion, this is just the excuse you use to lie to yourself.

Secondly, it's not unusual for people to use their relationships to resolve issues from their past. So for you, you may have a need to be nurtured and supported because you didn't feel like you got that growing up. But you have also said that you've been fem since a boy so you may have had sub tendencies regardless which is more likely.

Your sexual orientation can't be changed by your history. This is a lie commonly exploited by religious conversion therapists. This has been debunked by science as quackery.

I think it's good you are trying to understand yourself because clarifying your identity will allow you to move forward in life in a congruent way.
 

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In my opinion there are two issues.

Firstly, your sexual identity. As a rough guide, I would suggest your orientation is similar to the percentage to your porn choice. Eg if you seek men in porn 90% of the time you are a bisexual with a 90% homosexual bias. Under these circumstances, a same sex relationship will be more satisfying. This has nothing to do with your daddy issues otherwise most men would be gay! In my opinion, this is just the excuse you use to lie to yourself.

Secondly, it's not unusual for people to use their relationships to resolve issues from their past. So for you, you may have a need to be nurtured and supported because you didn't feel like you got that growing up. But you have also said that you've been fem since a boy so you may have had sub tendencies regardless which is more likely.

Your sexual orientation can't be changed by your history. This is a lie commonly exploited by religious conversion therapists. This has been debunked by science as quackery.

I think it's good you are trying to understand yourself because clarifying your identity will allow you to move forward in life in a congruent way.
Thanks for your thoughts man!

So you think I should seek out a relationship with someone older and see where it goes, I can do that. Have you ever had an intimate relastionship with a man and not have sex? Im not opposed dating, even in porn I dont like the fucking part LOL but I like the lead up. I guess i'm like a woman in that way
 
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There's a Netflix series called Coming Out Colton. In that show, Colton had a dom father that was very much involved in his life. He also has a preference for daddies. So you could also argue he is replicating his relationship with his dad with his partner choice. So basically you are who you are and I wouldn't blame your father for that.
 
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Brodie888

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Thanks for your thoughts man!

So you think I should seek out a relationship with someone older and see where it goes, I can do that. Have you ever had an intimate relastionship with a man and not have sex? Im not opposed dating, even in porn I dont like the fucking part LOL but I like the lead up. I guess i'm like a woman in that way
Many gay men have no interest in anal sex. Some are purely oral or hand jobs. You just need to find someone into the same. Trust me, there are many.

That said, if you've never explored anal sex, an older man may be able to explore that with you and you might come to enjoy it more than you may realize.
 

Malikj

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Many gay men have no interest in anal sex. Some are purely oral or hand jobs. You just need to find someone into the same. Trust me, there are many.

That said, if you've never explored anal sex, an older man may be able to explore that with you and you might come to enjoy it more than you may realize.
I like that, I have explored previously, but I dont think either of us knew what we were doing. I will try and be open minded I guess and see where it goes. Thanks for the insight.. would you recommend like, a grinder? or is there a better place to start? lol
 

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I like that, I have explored previously, but I dont think either of us knew what we were doing. I will try and be open minded I guess and see where it goes. Thanks for the insight.. would you recommend like, a grinder? or is there a better place to start? lol
My recommendation to most people is to focus on forming friendships rather than being a hermit for the rest of your life dragging random kills back to your cave like many people do.

This may be via those apps, or other community hotspots or events. Dating apps tend to attract those (especially hermit types) who just want to blow and go but there are also good people there too. You just need to be more patient and sieve through the rubbish.
 

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My recommendation to most people is to focus on forming friendships rather than being a hermit for the rest of your life dragging random kills back to your cave like many people do.

This may be via those apps, or other community hotspots or events. Dating apps tend to attract those (especially hermit types) who just want to blow and go but there are also good people there too. You just need to be more patient and sieve through the rubbish.
I will thank you man!
 

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I second everything Brodie said!

I especially agree it’s perfectly possible to have an intimate relationship without sex. You could even go without oral or handjobs if you wanted. But if I’m hearing you correctly, it sounds like you do want some sexual intimacy, but you want to take things slow, maybe get to know a guy, and figure out what you need. Is that a fair way to put it?

In terms of how to meet guys, it really depends on your situation. I agree apps like Grindr can be a good tool, but I also agree they have a lot of guys who just want hookups. There are some other apps that are more about longer-term relationships, but you might consider just using your social network irl. For example, do you have friends or acquaintances who can introduce you to someone? If you have hobbies, those can be a great way to meet people with common interests. And if you’re religious, you can even meet people at church (yes, even for gay relationships, though it varies a lot by denomination).
 
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Malikj

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I second everything Brodie said!

I especially agree it’s perfectly possible to have an intimate relationship without sex. You could even go without oral or handjobs if you wanted. But if I’m hearing you correctly, it sounds like you do want some sexual intimacy, but you want to take things slow, maybe get to know a guy, and figure out what you need. Is that a fair way to put it?

In terms of how to meet guys, it really depends on your situation. I agree apps like Grindr can be a good tool, but I also agree they have a lot of guys who just want hookups. There are some other apps that are more about longer-term relationships, but you might consider just using your social network irl. For example, do you have friends or acquaintances who can introduce you to someone? If you have hobbies, those can be a great way to meet people with common interests. And if you’re religious, you can even meet people at church (yes, even for gay relationships, though it varies a lot by denomination).
Hey thanks guys, your insight has brought me alot of clarity for sure.

Regarding meeting guys, I am not out or anything, especially because I dont really know what I want yet, so that will make it a bit difficult. Still, every guy here has gone through it so meeting like minded guys is possible. , but I think if thats the direction I should take I need to figure something out. thanks again for your advice.

Have either of you had a non-sexual relationship like this? Where you dont do oral or jerk off, but a guy is like a dad to you? Intamcy, cuddling ect. but no actual sexual contact? If so, how did the relationship start?
 

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I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself. As Brodie said, drop the labels first, they serve no purpose. Don't seek out someone, that never pans out. Instead find avenues of meeting people who have a common interest. Do you sing? Join a choral group. Do you like cooking? Take a cooking class. Do you like to bowl? Join a bowling league. You get the idea.

Then see if you become friends with one of your fellow group members you can build from there by meeting their friends. And so on.

Regarding your lack of interest in sex: sex happens as an expression of intimacy. When you meet someone with whom you can kiss, cuddle, etc. you will reach a point where sharing your bodies will become natural. Not everyone meets someone and jumps into bed with them right away, unless it's a Grindr hookup. Sex is the normal result of attraction.

A word I find impactful is "allow"; allow yourself to discover things about yourself and others. Allow yourself to be open to new experiences, perspectives and outlooks. Let the restrictions and rules placed around you fall away; don't let them hold you back.

Finally, don't worry about someone's age. There are plenty of men, both younger and older than you who are capable of providing the things you seek, and there are just as many men who aren't. The trick is you have to find the former and avoid the latter. You're 30, you've got a whole life ahead of you. Live your true self.
 
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Great ideas in here so far.
I have 2 things to add:
* The MeetUp app is great for finding activities with people who have similar interests. I'm in an LGBTQ hiking group, but I know there are other hiking groups with no sexual identity implications. Also, there are book clubs, gardening clubs travel groups, amusement park junkies, etc.
* You might also look at SilverDaddies, which is obviously gay-focused,but I have seen numerous profiles there that specify "friendship only". You could write your own interests there, and they seem to cater to your younger/older interests.
 
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@Malikj You are NOT alone! your feelings line up 100% with your experiences. The amount and kind of porn you watch shapes your sexual desires and identity, and to some extent can even become your own form of sexual expression. But that virtual experience is really never the same as the real thing.

Your desire to be with an older man mirrors not having a mentoring relationship with your dad--I can't say my dad doesn't like me but to this day i don't understand how my grandfather called him "partner" in his childhood, and yet he never made an effort to cultivate that kind of relationship with me...even before he knew of my attractions (that's another story, i told my parents when i was in college). It's small things like 'come help me wash and wax the cars..' He never invited the camaraderie, and when i asked for it, he never made me feel like he wanted to share what he knew or enjoy the time being together.... it was more like 'i have to do this because only i know how to do it.'

your desire to put a friendship before sexual intimacy is a very NORMAL and mature desire to build a RELATIONSHIP, to share a personal, emotional connection.. which can form the foundation for sexual one. It's so easy to feel confused about all this when you have not had relationships before, and when sexual expression so front and center balls out defines what it means to be gay/homosexual.

I'm 62 and although my lover is exactly my age, the three most significant men in my past are all younger...one is mid 30s, one is now approaching mid-40s, and the third is mid-50s. I don't think i would have sought out a man significantly older than me even 10 years ago when i finally accepted and acted on my sexuality. That's just the way I roll. I guess you could say i was trying to make up for lost time.

My advice to you is to just go with the flow... open yourself to having a relationship with another man, be your best self enjoying whatever it is you passionately love doing, do it in the company of other men, and when the right older man comes along, let the budding friendship and common interests pave the way for a deeper intimacy.

When i was your age i was, well, grossed out by the idea of anal sex. The shit factor and all...because i knew nothing about how to do it right or cleanly. My colleague--the most right-wing conservative guy on the planet--basically handed me on a silver platter an introduction to a very nice handsome, well built gay guy who worked for another association, and instead of opening myself to getting to know him, i put all my guilt and shame up and fear of the shit factor up front and turned him off.

It wasn't til i reached a personal breaking point in my mid-50s that i met my first man (the guy now in his 40s). I gave him my gay virginity and he taught me everything about having sex, he is more of a top but he liked to bottom from time to time so it was a reciprocal thing. I paid it forward to my lover, who is just two months younger than me. He gave me his gay virginity, i cherish the honor, and I relish loving someone with whom i can fully share mutual affection....

My hope for you is that the man to whom you give your virginity will give you the same respect, and be a loving and kind guide and mentor in the things you have yet to learn, and a true partner with you for as long as you are together.

My people have a saying which is uttered at every wedding, "May you grow old together on the same pillow."
 
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Hey guys. Im 30, i'm handsome but very sheltered, never had a gf or a bf before and have been running away from my sexuality my whole life. I dont know a lot of gay guys to talk to, and was wondering if you could provide some advice.

I got hooked on gay porn early in life, and watch for the intractons of the guys more than the sex. I have a serious dad kink, and love a dom dad type inspecting, instructing, or even humiliating younger. I love when a dad and son pee next to each other , share a women ect, I love the intimacy of a dad letting someone young watch him shower, would love for the dad to teach him, give him advice about sex etc.

I was fem as a boy and though my dad was kind, be didn't like me very much. I think Im yearning for intimacy with a dad type who wants to spend time with me more than sex and a relationship with one. I dont even consider myself gay, but I dont really like or have an interest in women either. Has anyone ever felt the same?
From what i read,you need more a dad than a daddy..And what i mean.You seek for love..not the sexual way but the way a dad loves his son because you probably weren't that close with your dad.So you look for a guy who will take his place in someway.And because you look for a dad you can't think him as a daddy in a sexual way..There are pleanty guys who are into daddies because their relationships with their own dads.It isn't that weird.You also might be bi but i think you are gay and into daddies.You just try to persuade yourself you like women just because like i mentioned before you look a dad more in a parental than sexual way.And your mind tries to "protect"you from thinking it like incest..
 
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I am overwhelmed by the kindness of you men. Thank you or taking so much effort and replying for me. I am going to get it together and write back later on today. thanks again guys
Hey @malikji just noticed you're in Buffalo. I am from Binghamton!!
Looking forward to your reply....
 

Malikj

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From what i read,you need more a dad than a daddy..And what i mean.You seek for love..not the sexual way but the way a dad loves his son because you probably weren't that close with your dad.So you look for a guy who will take his place in someway.And because you look for a dad you can't think him as a daddy in a sexual way..There are pleanty guys who are into daddies because their relationships with their own dads.It isn't that weird.You also might be bi but i think you are gay and into daddies.You just try to persuade yourself you like women just because like i mentioned before you look a dad more in a parental than sexual way.And your mind tries to "protect"you from thinking it like incest..
hey man, thanks you for reply. This is very much it! I want him to be comfortable enough with me to change and shower and pee in front of me, and want to spend time with me above all else. I haven't found a way to get that fulfillment without the sex. And in full disclosure I had sexual absue from a father like figure growing up and I think that plays into the sexual consent as well. My yearning was a bit perverted in some way.

There son doubt Im proboly at least bi. I like women physically, but Im not fulfilled by them, its all confusing. have you found a way to get a dad to spend time with you in the way you described and not want sex in return?