does it bother you if your partner only comes through masturbation?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by voyeuristic, Sep 20, 2009.

  1. voyeuristic

    voyeuristic New Member

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    This is breaking my heart lately, because it's causing my boyfriend a lot of insecurity and frustration. I've only come by other people a few times in my life. The vast majority of the time, I reach orgasm through masturbation. It's much more enjoyable for me when I'm getting fucked (any of my three holes are great!), but it's usually my own hands that get me over the edge. It's been like this for me all my life. I have had many partners over the years; that said, this is the first male partner I've had for more than six months (it's been about eight now) - I've had more hetero sex with him than anyone, and shared lots of "firsts" with him: he's the only guy I've ever had unprotected intercourse with, for example.

    I'm completely in love with him and we've talked about having kids together. There's a strong physical attraction between us, and he loves the fact that I'm a total cock/cum fiend. He's only gone down on me several times during our relationship, though (those of you who might be quick to blame it on the fact that I'm hairy: please don't go there - he's into that, most of his other partners are as well, and it's not the issue), and lately I've been making an issue of the fact that I'd like him to do it more - not because it's my favorite activity, necessarily, but because it makes me feel close to him.

    Last night he tried again and became almost immediately discouraged. Because we're in an open relationship, he's sleeping with other women, so he has fresh experiences to contrast ours with. He noted that all of the other women he's been with have responded a lot more physically to cunnilingus than I do - that their legs tense up and they have a physical response. He claims that it's not very gratifying to go down on me since I don't do these things, and that even if I'm not able to come that way he wishes I would show more of a reaction. He claims I'm the only woman he's ever been with (there have been many) who wasn't able to achieve orgasm through either oral or intercourse. I've talked to friends, though, and they say that this isn't uncommon. Plenty of women, they say, require direct clitoral stimulation and some may only be able to reach the pressure they need through masturbation with their hands or a vibrator. They tell me that they've faked plenty of orgasms over the years. My bisexual friends note that there's a disparity between the reactions men and women have had to people who only come through masturbation: most men feel as though it's problematic and ego-wounding, whereas most women see it as a fact of life that doesn't detract from the sexual experience.

    I've been with dozens of partners and tried lots of techniques, positions, etc. I started masturbating when I was still an infant and think that I developed a need for a very intense and specific kind of clitoral stimulation early on - unfortunately, I haven't found that anyone else has been able to replicate it. I've tried allowing myself to become more sensitive by masturbating less - it helps to a point, but not completely. My boyfriend wants me to make more of an effort, though, because he claims he feels more like a spectator when it comes to my orgasms than a participant. Part of me wishes he could accept the fact that his presence is integral to my fulfillment as sufficient, but it means so much to him that I want to try to figure out a way to make him feel more included.

    I have a lot more to say about this, but I'm curious how others feel about it. Can any women identify with me? Men, if your partners are coming well and often, does it matter how it happens? My heart is breaking over the whole thing and I hate seeing the stress that something so trivial (to me) is bringing to my relationship with someone I'm absolutely crazy about.
     
    #1 voyeuristic, Sep 20, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2009
  2. rob_just_rob

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    I have to admit that I much prefer sex with women who can climax from oral sex, or from intercourse. Call me needy or whatever, but I like knowing that I am able to get her off - and I feel selfish if I'm the only one climaxing.
     
  3. voyeuristic

    voyeuristic New Member

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    Thanks for being honest, Rob. He's never the only one climaxing, though - I always come; I just usually need to help myself get there.

    If you were in love with a woman, would this be a dealbreaker for you? Don't you think there's a certain egotism in needing to be the force that brings her to orgasm if it's not bothering her?
     
    #3 voyeuristic, Sep 20, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2009
  4. rob_just_rob

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    It might be. It certainly was a significant factor when I declined to marry a girlfriend I was seeing a couple of years ago.

    Absolutely, but I've never claimed not to be an insecure mess weighed down with issues. :redface:

    Others may see it differently; I can speak only for myself.
     
  5. voyeuristic

    voyeuristic New Member

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    Wow, that makes me sad that someone would write off life partner material because of this. I guess I just feel like as long as we're both getting off and enjoying each other's bodies - what's the problem? You're certainly entitled to your feelings. I was hoping for something a bit more encouraging, though. I wonder if anyone else feels like it's less problematic.
     
    #5 voyeuristic, Sep 20, 2009
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  6. rob_just_rob

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    With my ex, it was always in the back of my mind that maybe, just maybe, it was just me that she didn't orgasm with, and that there were exboyfriends in her past who got her off (despite her insistence to the contrary).

    And there was the nagging fear that without orgasms, sex couldn't be enjoyable for her, and that our sexual activity would peter out after marriage.

    I'm sure there are guys out there who would handle it better, but there are significant numbers of us who don't handle it well, I believe.
     
  7. Enid

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    I can totally relate to you when it comes to cunnilingus -- I don't think I ever got there from tongue action alone except maybe once or twice. I have to have fingers or toys added in order to climax. Previously I have felt kinda inadequate about this, so I know a little about where you're coming from.
     
  8. voyeuristic

    voyeuristic New Member

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    Well, was she bringing herself to orgasm when you guys fucked/fooled around, or going without? I think there's a huge difference.

    I can understand the nagging doubt you describe. In my case it's definitely an across-the-board kinda thing. I think other people have made me come two or three times in life, but they've been pretty rare incidents. It's definitely not about skill, which my boyfriend has plenty of, or attraction, which I've got for him in spades.

    I guess I'll ask this, then, Rob: what can I say or do to reassure him that he's doing everything right? Would anything your ex said or did have made you feel better?
     
  9. voyeuristic

    voyeuristic New Member

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    Chrissy - thanks for your feedback. Glad to hear someone can relate to me on the cunnilingus thing. Can you come through intercourse without clitoral stimulation?
     
    #9 voyeuristic, Sep 20, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2009
  10. Pendlum

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    I think it is somewhat similar to the "Do I look fat in these" question, but for guys. Guys will pretty much always say know, because we know it is the right answer. Even if you say that you have only cum from just intercourse two or three times in your entire life, and have had to almost always put yourself over the edge, that is the nice answer.

    And even if they don't think that they are god's gift to women in the sack, most guys always like to believe that they are good, or at least able to get really good for that person. Getting her to orgasm is the benchmark, it is the wall. And you are saying you'll probably never climb the wall, and if you do, probably not again in a long long time.

    That is my insight into the male mind, but take it as you will. I'm a virgin so I can't say I have any direct experience with this.

    Best of luck to you two.
     
  11. oakwood

    oakwood New Member

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    I wouldn't be happy. I don't know if it would be a dealbreaker but it would be worrying. Even when you are saying it is something normal for you and it is not important. I think that for every man to make your woman cum is important . Not only thinking in our confidence, it is the connection you feel because you can make her cum.

    I got an ex that before me she had achived orgasm twice from intercouse and a few more times through cunnilingus. With me, it happened 99% of the times from cunnilingus, but never through intercourse. The point is I am very proud of it even when I don't think I am better than the rest but you feel better knowing that you can make something the rest hasn't achived and you feel an emotional connection with that person because you can satisfy her. The couple of times when she couldn't come during our relationship, I got a mix of feelings: impotence (I can't do anything) and selfish (I cummed but not her). So it is something important when you love someone even when she thinks it is fine.

    My two cents.
     
  12. quietman1

    quietman1 New Member

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    I'm afraid I won't be able to share much insight, as I have not had a comparable experience, but was wondering: you say no one has been able to replicate your 'technique' - have you tried taking his hand in yours and using him as an extension, or a 'glove', so to speak? You're still in control, and if it works, he will learn what you need.
     
  13. 3664shaken

    3664shaken New Member

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    I'm 42 and have never cum through cunnilingus only through deep penetration.
     
  14. rob_just_rob

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    Yes, or I was, with mechanical aid.

    I'm not sure. There were other reasons good and true for me not to marry her. Had those reasons not been present, I might still have declined to marry her, or I might not - can't say for sure.

    I don't think there was anything she could have said to make me feel better. I like giving my partner an orgasm through fucking/cunnilingus and it was disappointing to me that those were things that she and I could not share.
     
  15. jeff black

    jeff black <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    From the male perspective, I know a guy in town who can only cum through masturbating. He was such a hypersexual, chronic wanker, that when it got to having sex with women, he couldn't accept the pleasure from her, because despite talking to her about how to wank it, he couldn't get off on penetration or oral.
     
  16. Enid

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    Yes I can, but it has to be a very specific type of intercourse. I heard someone call it nudge-fucking before and that's now what I call it. Basically as long as I've had some foreplay and am turned on, once we commence to having penetrative sex I make him grind into me pretty fast but super shallow strokes, if that makes any sense (most stays in and very little goes out). In less than 10 minutes, I usually cum. But like all the porno sex he likes -- the moving his cock like a boat rower (where he likes to withdraw more of his penis, and then come in fast & hard), that doesn't work for me (vaginal orgasm-wise) as much as much as the grinding sex does. We'll usually have that (what he likes) after I cum the other way (nudge-fucking).
     
    #16 Enid, Sep 20, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2009
  17. B_Mister Buildington

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    I'm sorry to respond negatively, but it is very important to me that my partner orgasms through sex. Seeing and feeling them cum on my cock is a sort of validation that I just can't be comfortable without.
     
  18. voyeuristic

    voyeuristic New Member

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    Wow, these responses are kind of devastating. I'm feeling really hurt and scared now. I don't want to lose someone I really love over something I can't seem to control.

    Are there any guys out there who feel differently?
     
  19. B_ytcorp

    B_ytcorp New Member

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    Unfortunately its not what you want to hear, but I am a pleaser, I get most of my sexual pleasure from pleasing someone else. I can please myself whenever I want, coaxing my partner to climax is so much more important.
    but having said that, I'm willing to be patient and caring; communication and understanding are a huge part of any and all relationships. Sometimes the chips just lay where they fall, I recently fell out of a great relationship and it was honestly the first I've truly loved anyone but we just weren't compatible. I'm not saying that you won't work things out but the way I interpret what you've said, this is a crossroads. You may have to prepare yourself to follow another path or you may just keep it together.
    Any man that is deserving of you and any man you deserve will work in tandem with you to find a compromise fitting of any issue that ever arises within your relationship.
    Communicate how you're feeling, let him know that you feel at a loss as it is something out of your control. Convey to him that you ask him to do these things because it makes you feel closer.
     
  20. Bob Ross

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    This is probably the only male response you'll get which is close to your situation but here goes...To be honest with you, I'm a man and I have had a similar sexual experience through my life. I have (with few exceptions) rarely orgasmed through eihter oral or intercourse. I think it largely has to do with the frequency with which I masturbate. Although I rarely do more than once a day or once every other day. I think I just know how to please myself and my partners don't.

    I think you need to listen to Chrissy...She knows what her body needs and I guarantee you she didn't find it out overnight. She learned by being honest with her partners yet true to her own needs. Everyone is unique in this way. I am no exception. I have found that in order to get hard and ready, I need to guide my partner's hand as she strokes me. That turns me on enough that I go on auto-pilot and I stop second-guessing myself over whether or not i'm going to be excited enough. (I guess its the result of "performance anxiety" issues I had a few times but seeing as its a mental issue theres no reason a woman can't suffer the same).

    It's tough 'cause there needs to be a certain level of trust, but I just wrap my hand around hers and guide her...After awhile the problem is solved. I could be wrong but I think you need to do something similar: Get in to a situation where he isn't uncomfortable and guide his hand. Make his hand do exactly what your hand does when you please yourself. As a man, I guarantee his unhappiness comes from not being able to make you cum. Once he does, your relationship will change for the better.

    Don't be scared to force him to make him do the things you do to yourself to make yourself cum.
     
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