does it bother you if your partner only comes through masturbation?

[silentview]

This is probably the only male response you'll get which is close to your situation but here goes...To be honest with you, I'm a man and I have had a similar sexual experience through my life. I have (with few exceptions) rarely orgasmed through eihter oral or intercourse. I think it largely has to do with the frequency with which I masturbate. Although I rarely do more than once a day or once every other day. I think I just know how to please myself and my partners don't.

I think you need to listen to Chrissy...She knows what her body needs and I guarantee you she didn't find it out overnight. She learned by being honest with her partners yet true to her own needs. Everyone is unique in this way. I am no exception. I have found that in order to get hard and ready, I need to guide my partner's hand as she strokes me. That turns me on enough that I go on auto-pilot and I stop second-guessing myself over whether or not i'm going to be excited enough. (I guess its the result of "performance anxiety" issues I had a few times but seeing as its a mental issue theres no reason a woman can't suffer the same).

It's tough 'cause there needs to be a certain level of trust, but I just wrap my hand around hers and guide her...After awhile the problem is solved. I could be wrong but I think you need to do something similar: Get in to a situation where he isn't uncomfortable and guide his hand. Make his hand do exactly what your hand does when you please yourself. As a man, I guarantee his unhappiness comes from not being able to make you cum. Once he does, your relationship will change for the better.

Don't be scared to force him to make him do the things you do to yourself to make yourself cum.

this is a great post, and I also felt that it should be added that I don't expect to succeed at every encounter nor should anyone. I too have trouble climaxing with a partner, chalk it up to self love and lack of practice but knowing yourself and knowing your partner are key here.

 

[B_New End]

It's cool that you want/request oral, it's cool that you get off every time through masturbation. You kind of sound like a pretty sex positive chick, but for me, never cumming during cunnilingus would eventually be a deal breaker. I've never worried about the g-spot orgasm.

Except it is an open relationship, so I don't see how there could be a deal breaker.

 

[silentview]

Except it is an open relationship, so I don't see how there could be a deal breaker.

I must agree that the fact it's an open relationship kind of impedes the seriousness of the relationship as is.

 

[voyeuristic]

Sorry, ytcorp, that's just not true. People in open relationships still want love, trust, and connection with our primary partners, and we still take our relationships seriously and expect others to (whether or not non-monogamy is their personal choice). If I spend 28 days a month with someone and we each spend a couple days a month with other people, how are we not "serious"?

In some ways, the fact that my partner has other occasional partners whom he makes come is good, because even when it's not happening with me he can still feel like he's got skills. In others, it makes it harder, because there are easy grounds for comparison and it's me - the woman he loves - with whom he wants it to happen most of all.

I always feel like I get a lot more understanding about being non-monogamous from the gay/bi guys on here, who are more likely to have participated in or considered open relationships. I find it frustrating that when I post about something that has nothing to do with the challenges of being in an open relationship (which are certainly significant, but a whole 'nother post), a lot of guys will always bring it back to that in the end and invalidate the issue on that grounds. Not all of us aspire to the model of monogamy or marriage, but we still want to strenghten our bonds, and shouldn't have that devalued.

 

[B_New End]

OH, I understand, but if you can't cook fried Chicken, it's not a deal breaker if I can go to KFC.

Of course, for me, I would rather just have someone who can cook fried chicken, because I hate fast food.... or should I say I have a hard time getting fried chicken elsewhere... or it's not as good as home cooked.

Ok, I beat that analogy to death.

 

[silentview]

I'm sorry that I had worded that poorly' looking again I see that I didn't get my point across as intended. what I really meant by "impedes the seriousness of the relationship as is" is that the issue doesn't seem so dire as it is because he can seek out gratification in the form of "partner pleasing" elsewhere. not that your relationship isn't a serious one. I'm sorry that I unintentionally bashed open relationships, not at all what I wanted to point out.

 

[voyeuristic]

Thanks for clarifying, ytcorp. I think you and New_End were trying to say something similar. I agree with you, though - when you don't have to meet all your needs with the same person, a lot more things feel negotiable. For instance, my boyfriend's not naturally dominant, and that's a kind of energy I really appreciate in my life - but knowing that I can explore that dynamic with other guys from time to time makes the fact that power play isn't a big part of my long-term relationship seem manageable.

 

[Enid]

The way I see it...I have been with men who cum from BJs easily and with men who find it harder to cum from BJs. It just works that way for some; I didn't think of it as a deal-breaker at all. I would hope any partner of mine would feel the same way about me, that it wouldn't be a deal-breaker just because I need finger action in addition to tongue action. We use our mouths and our hands for performing oral on them right? As long as my partner is happy, I don't care much about the specifics of how he/she gets there as long as I play at least some part in it. Even if it's just by being there and whispering dirty things in his ear while he jacks off (or she masturbates). Hypothetically speaking naturally.

 

[Rubenesque]

I completely get where you're coming from... I've never in my life had an orgasm that wasn't self induced.

Although I'm sure, it my case, it's almost entirely psychological. I don't feel comfortable enough in my skin to relax fully, therefore I don't climax.

I'm not as comfortable with my predicament as you however, and really feel like I'm missing out (

 

[rob_just_rob]

Not sure if it makes you feel any better, but you are by no means alone. There are a significant number of women who can't orgasm from fucking, from oral sex, or in any way with a partner (or even with someone else in the room).

Obviously this isn't a dealbreaker for the partners of these women. There are certainly bigger dealbreakers out there.

And who knows, maybe my wife is faking it.

 

[Ramsey]

I couldn't get my last ex to come (and I have not had many relationships at all-and this one was after a 5 year dry spell), and even after trying as hard as I could, being as passionate as I could, loving every inch of her body, trying to go fast as she likes it (much like the nudge-fucking Chrissy mentioned), trying to last as long as I could.... i still couldn't get her to come from my cock.
This wouldn't bother me except when she gave off this vibe I asked her if she was satisfied, and she delayed a response, then said "I don't ever think I'll be as satisfied from this as you are". I was crushed, and when I asked her if she ever has been, she told me that her last 2 (or more who knows) exes could get her there, but she didn't think that I ever could.
She then tried reassuring me that she loved me, it's not important, she wouldn't leave me for this, that she loved my hand skills, I should just enjoy having sex with her..., but for me, if she is not enjoying it as much as I am, it's a hammer to my security of my ability as a lover and effectiveness at satisfying my woman. Especially when I know other men can and I can't. Who knows if later on, she regrets that I can't but other men could? Would she hunt after then when our relationship is strained?
I'm still trying to pick up the pieces my ex left of my self-confidence.

My advice to you Voyeuristic, is to encourage him as much as you can. To get him to explore you and guide him on how to do it like you need it. Do it passionately, show him how much you want him there, NEED him there for your sexual fulfillment. That his presence is an integral part of your satisfaction. And reassure him that he can do it and to love and treasure your time together.

 

[silentview]

Ramsey's got a huge point, encouragement is pretty big for some guys, and if you want things to work with a dude don't attack him like that chick did.

 

[D_yabbadabbadont]

Wow, these responses are kind of devastating. I'm feeling really hurt and scared now. I don't want to lose someone I really love over something I can't seem to control.

Are there any guys out there who feel differently?

Voyeur, Don't be scared I've been married for 15yrs and the only way my wife can cum is through her playing with herself as we fuck. I used to have an issue with it but if you love the person your with you figure it out. I've noticed if I get her really turned on I can make her cum by pushing all the way in and grinding against her clit.
He needs to get over it and stop comparing you to other women, your all different. Good luck.

 

[Ramsey]

Yes, for me it wouldn't be a deal breaker and I wouldn't cut things off, but I would always be wondering in the back of my mind "do I really satisfy her? Later on is she going to seek someone else because of this? does she view me as less able or less skilled or effective?"

 

[dolfette]

voy, you are not alone!
i only ever cum from wanking.
i usually just fake it. not that i'm saying it's the right things to do, but i dig it and it works for me.

{and before some twit tells me i'm cheating myself, i'm not. i'm perfectly happy with things this way.}

it sucks that this is becoming an issue in your relationship.

 

[voyeuristic]

Thanks again for all the advice, guys.

Ramsey, I think my situation is a little different because most of the people I've been with haven't been able to make me come. The few times when it's happened have been complete flukes rather than being the rule or even a strong possibility.

We've been talking about it and he assured me that he's definitely not considering ending things because of this. I told him that if there _was_ a possibility it was just psychological, the only way I would ever move past the block is by having a guy stick around when things were challenging instead of bolting at the first sexual frustration. I've reassured him plenty, and he knows that my very favorite way to come is by having him fuck my pussy (evern more so, my ass, though this happens less often) while I play with myself. His cock is a big part of my orgasm that way; it's a lot more full and complex than it would be if it were only coming from clitoral stimulation.

I've definitely noticed that I respond more to really deep, slow strokes than fast in-n-out fucking. I think I'm just starting to learn what I really like when it comes to intercourse. I didn't have it until I was 24, fucked seven or eight guys a few times over a couple years, and then entered a five-year lesbian relationship. I've had intercourse with five other guys since then, but none for more than a month or two until my boyfriend. He is the first guy I've had a long-term relationship with, and this is the first time I've been able to explore heterosexual sex with someone I trust and love and have a sustained partnership with. I've been able to enjoy lots of firsts with him, and hopefully with love and patience we can enjoy even more.

Dolfette, funny to read your take on this. I guess that if the guys' egos are getting what they need and you're cool with faking it, everyone's happy. You're a trip; glad you're here.

 

[hung]

Of course "the guy" you first mentioned in the original post was getting plenty from others. Has he tried focusing on just you?

From my limited point of view, oral from her and me to her are the best warm ups.

Then we both can accomplish a lot.

Be willing to experiment with each other and forget working out with others for a few months. If you are both serious about each other the exclude all others option may serve you both very well.

A bit like a marriage, but satisfying sex and a relationship usually requires total dedication to the cause.

While it may sound like fun for him to spread his seeds around, he may just have to focus on you.

Also, have you seen him action with others or are you relying on what "he" tells you?

A lot to consider, but the total sum of life should be to enjoy each other and to also have fun while practicing sexual activity.

Remember the Coach's adage: Practice Makes Perfect.

Or to relate in a much more effective manner:

Practicing with the Football every day in football season produces a more effective football player than one who practices football on Mondays, Soccer on Tuesdays and Basketball on Wednesdays. I think you get the drift of this comment.

Enjoy life.

 

[voyeuristic]

Hung, I think you're overestimating the amount of "seed-spreading" he's doing. We spend almost every night together, and once a month or so he hooks up with someone else. The bulk of his sexual energies are directed towards me, rendering your football analogy ineffective. A more appropriate analogy would be that someone who spends 6 days a week practicing football probably benefits from switching it up on Sunday - in fact, there's truth to this statement: muscles grow more from variance than repetition. But again, I don't think the open relationship is the issue here, as I've already stated.

 

[Enid]

why does everyone bring it back to the open relationship thing?
i am not into them (for me personally) and even i am finding it tedious.

 

[dolfette]

why does everyone bring it back to the open relationship thing?
i am not into them (for me personally) and even i am finding it tedious.

isn't it just?
i don't see how it matters at all.