does it bother you if your partner only comes through masturbation?

[hung]

Right. If I was not in a committed relationship I would suspect that the lack of performance with me just may be caused by seed spreading that I am not aware of.

That was my point.

Together every night does not indicate who anyone is with during the day.

I have been the victim of the day time seed receiving by a former partner.

Just thought you might desire to consider all aspects of the situation.

Anything is possible, unless, of course you have a private investigator following someone/somebody.

A terrible situation, but none the less one that happens far too often.

Been there and been the victim, as I stated above, of that.

I wish you and your partner well.

Life should be a pleasant journey, but sometimes there are problems.

 

[voyeuristic]

hung, the point of being in an open relationship (as opposed to one where we are clandestinely sneaking aorund) is that we tell each other who we are with. my boyfriend works seven days a week; he does not have time to fuck random women all day let alone lie to me about it. when he does, which is fairly occasionally, we talk about it extensively. I'm sorry about your past experiences but I don't think they have anything to do with my current situation.

Chrissy and Dolfette, thank you. I agree. It seems like the guys who are threatened by the idea of other people choosing open relationships (Man Tarzan! Jane only get fucked by Tarzan cock!) are often the same types who can't deal with not making women come directly (Me Tarzan! Jane only come from Tarzan cock!) A lot of patriarchal BS, I think.

 

[Enid]

i don't think she cares about having a private investigator follow her partner. she is in a committed relationship, it just doesn't fit the mold of what many others would call a committed r-ship. they're committed to each other but happen to be poly.

and i am pretty sure she doesn't think it is a lack of performance on his part.

 

[dolfette]

voy, you of all people knows whether or not it's lack of effort or ability on your partner's part. you says it isn't, so it isn't.

 

[Enid]

oh and for the record v, i didn't have vag orgasms until i was 36. and you're like at least 5 years younger than me right? i can't recall specifically (i'm 38 now). i was thinking that you're like 33 if i am not mistaken.

it's just that when you mentioned the liking of the slower shorter strokes and discovering that only recently it made me think of myself a couple years ago. i thought perhaps this would be some heartening information. is heartening even a word? i basically mean the opposite of disheartening.

 

[B_New End]

Chrissy and Dolfette, thank you. I agree. It seems like the guys who are threatened by the idea of other people choosing open relationships (Man Tarzan! Jane only get fucked by Tarzan cock!) are often the same types who can't deal with not making women come directly (Me Tarzan! Jane only come from Tarzan cock!) A lot of patriarchal BS, I think.

Perhaps you should do a statistical analysis of the thread, because I can think of two guys in this thread alone, who have said they have no problem with you being in an open relationship, or don't see it as a problem with your open relationship, who have not reacted this way.

Maybe that is what you would like it to be, to fit your pre-conceived notion of the male oppressor?

I mean sex, as far as I see it, is so far from the rest of life and politics. You can be dominant in bed, but submissive in the relationship, you can be a real chauvinistic pig, but a very attentive lover. I think it is a little funny, when people try to tie sexual preferences, tastes, and opinions with political and social beliefs.

 

[Enid]

new end has a point, in that i realize i should not have used "everyone" when i said "why does everyone have to bring it back to the open r-ship thing?" -- i should have said "why do some people bring it back to..." as that makes more sense.

 

[Load Lichfield]

Your boyfriend is being a typical man in terms of sex.

i.e. selfish, as his poor little male ego is being dented, due to you not squirting like a maniac, and having bucking, crazy orgasms as soon as he so much as looks at you. Ok, I'm exaggerating, but that is in essence what it is.

I'd be hugely unimpressed at the need for you to 'make an effort'. I'm reckoning he isn't quite getting to grips with the emotional connection you attach to the sex you have?

He basically wants you to perform how he wants, so that he feels better about it all. It doesn't work like that though does it?

I understand where he is coming from. It can be a dent to the male ego. Especially if he is used to receiving the results he covets from other girls.

You often hear that certain people (men and women) cannot achieve orgasm either at all, or only through a certain, specific way. I believe that some people develop styles that can achieve orgasm, as a kind of learned behaviour. They may be unable to take the little emotional steps necessary to release some of the beliefs that they subconsciously cling to, in order to be more openly emotional, and therefore more emotionally attached to how their sex can be.

By almost forcing you into a corner, your partner is putting you in a position where perhaps you are more reluctant to connect with yourself, and so moving further away from the very thing you both may desire?

So much of sex (and love making) is in your emotional relationship with the act, with the person and mainly with yourself.

He's kinda pushing all of those in the wrong direction.

As you've said yourself you've made what you call 'progress' in sexual terms, in the time that you've been with him. Maybe if you get him to understand this, and how much of an ego boost that could be for him, he might realise he's actually 'achieved' more that way, than he has simply by making a different girl cum orally.

Maybe then, he can understand he might be making it more difficult for you, and therefore self defeating.

Of course you could reach a stage where you could orgasm orally, or vaginally with him. It's not written in stone that you won't.

A little understanding goes a long way though..

 

[Symphonic]

Since most males are trained to believe mentally that they are responsible for their partner's gratification there's always the fear of failure in that particular essence. It's similar in both sexes, but just inverse for the two. The only thing your male friend can do is avoid compare and contrast; you are you and he has to come to terms that there are things he cannot control.

If he cannot stop comparing reconsider the open relationship; it may actually be unhealthy for your cause.

 

[silentview]

Since most males are trained to believe mentally that they are responsible for their partner's gratification there's always the fear of failure in that particular essence. It's similar in both sexes, but just inverse for the two. The only thing your male friend can do is avoid compare and contrast; you are you and he has to come to terms that there are things he cannot control.

If he cannot stop comparing reconsider the open relationship; it may actually be unhealthy for your cause.

great point

 

[voyeuristic]

Please stop talking about the open relationship. Neither of us want monogamy or will ever want monogamy.

 

[B_Mister Buildington]

Was there anything different about the circumstances surrounding the few times that other people have actually given you an orgasm, voyeuristic? You say that it has happened a few times. Did they do something different, was there something different about them? Were you in a different state (I mean, like, were you high or anything)?

I know this isn't a thread about you trying to have orgasms, but rather one asking about how other people would feel in your boyfriend's situation, so I hope you don't mind me asking. I'm curious.

 

[voyeuristic]

MB - it happened once or twice with my girlfriend of over five years. I'm pretty sure she was finger-banging me _while_ eating me out, and I was shoving her head around a lot. I've told my boyfriend that the penetration/clitoral combo works better than either/or, so we might try that out at some point.

One lover made me come by jerking off with the head of his cock directly against my clit. I've tried it with several guys since, including my boyfriend, and haven't achieved the same effect. Who knows why?

Load - we've actually been talking a lot this week and he's been pretty understanding. Knowing that he's planning to stick around is a great comfort to me. I think that this is what I really need to feel safe emotionally. I wasn't very sexually active for most of my twenties (I had a reasonable number of lovers, several dozen, but most were one-off encounters), so I've probably spent a lot more time masturbating than most women. It's good that I learned how to get myself off, but now that I have a serious partner I'd like to try to redirect my response a bit into a direction where it's more in sync with another's.

 

[Pendlum]

I'd like to point out that even if it wasn't an open relationship he would still be able to compare it to previous women he has had sex with, so the open relationship is pretty much a moot point.

Good luck voy, wish I could be more helpful.

 

[a_uncensored]

I think it's great that you have communicated your concerns and needs with your partner and he seems willing to work with you...

In my case my sexual relationship with my husband of 8 yrs (together 20) - I gave only cum once during sex in our whole relationship. At first I think I was young and wS focusing too much on his pleasure and put mine off completely.

I have never had problems cumming on my own either manually or with toys and I have talked, expirimented, tried to guide him etc... to no avail. He has totally shut down and has told me to go seek my pleasure elsewhere as long as I come home to him.

I'm glad you guys are working together on your issue - I wish my partner hadn't given up on me...

 

[Bbucko]

Wow, these responses are kind of devastating. I'm feeling really hurt and scared now. I don't want to lose someone I really love over something I can't seem to control.

Are there any guys out there who feel differently?

Maybe it's a gay thing (though I doubt it) but I've only very rarely (maybe three times in my entire sexual history) seen a guy ejaculate hands-free while I was fucking him. And in all cases, the guy was very quick on the trigger. I'd never expect it, let alone demand it of anyone.

As for me, I've become so hard-wired that without some serious nipple play, I can't maintain an erection any more, let alone try and cum. Anyone who has a problem with that will not be a good fit for me sexually at all.

 

[drac]

Voyeuristic, I have been reading through some of your posts and I must say you are sexy, especially that nice fit body of yours, ALL of it. If you catch my drift.
As

 

[drac]

As for your boyfriend being upset, alot of guys do, and most of the guys that bump into a girl that has a difficult time reaching orgasm just from the mans work itself usually turn and say "every other girl i have been with does" well and smart guy would know that's bs.
I have been with my gf for over a year now and she hasnt had an orgasm in a LONG time while having intercourse. I LOVE IT!! The sex is great for both of us, and there are no expectations. Sometimes when I would destroy girls in the bedroom they would expect the same thing everytime, or if they were about to have one and I busted to soon, they would freak out, mind you, these girls didnt masterbate, what's up with that? So by them acting this way, it completely turned me off and I lost the lust to be with them, it completely ruined one of my long time relationships. What sucks is, maybe you should just fake it with your bf, cause by the sounds of it, he isnt gonna be happy until he thinks he has done his job. Otherwise, if you dont, and you stay with him, he will probably just complain forever until he switches to another girl. So my advice is to lie to him, or just get rid of him, you dont need that aggervation.

by the way is he bi, i noticed you were in search of that.

 

[dolfette]

and, coincidentally, you're bi!

smooth, mate. teehee.

 

[drac]

Dolfette, you are right! LOL, gotta girl though and dont cheat.