Does It Just Depend On The Woman ?

Bittydrew

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Does it just depend on the woman if she likes to see two guys having sex together or join in with them also? Guess it would just like eveyone else different....
 

Bittydrew

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Just wondering just how to come out to my wife I'm about to just burst and confess it but just want to do it right maybe a counselor could ease it more...
 

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Ready for some cold hard truth? If you haven't told your wife you are bisexual, and you do not already have an open relationship or similar, then you, my friend, are breaking an agreement you had when you were married. I don't know about your vows, but mine said something to the effect of forsaking all others.

In other words, you're changing the relationship in a huge way. I'm not saying you need to deny yourself, but you need to be honest with her. If you think a third party would help communicate then take advantage of that.

But you do what you feel is best, but do it. If you really love your wife then explain your needs. But be very prepared to face consequences that may not be in your favor.

Personally, that's a no from me. If my husband wanted to be with someone else, man or woman, then he's more than free to do what he wants. The consequences are that I'll also do what I want, and he'll no longer need my permission because we will not be living in the same house.
 

Bittydrew

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Ready for some cold hard truth? If you haven't told your wife you are bisexual, and you do not already have an open relationship or similar, then you, my friend, are breaking an agreement you had when you were married. I don't know about your vows, but mine said something to the effect of forsaking all others.

In other words, you're changing the relationship in a huge way. I'm not saying you need to deny yourself, but you need to be honest with her. If you think a third party would help communicate then take advantage of that.

But you do what you feel is best, but do it. If you really love your wife then explain your needs. But be very prepared to face consequences that may not be in your favor.

Personally, that's a no from me. If my husband wanted to be with someone else, man or woman, then he's more than free to do what he wants. The consequences are that I'll also do what I want, and he'll no longer need my permission because we will not be living in the same house.
I understand you and just kind of regret it but our sex lives are no more haven't been for 10 years so she kind of broke it also so not just me plus I didn't find out I was bi till after we were married and then was at least 15 years into it I'm just an person that needs touched and played with also haven't even kissed in 10 years plus I have a ed problem so having sex is hard I can see the disappointment in her eyes when we use to try and came up with nothing tryed toys and just found out I like anal sex on me alot but she didn't like it so that stopped I just have all these penned up feelings going wild ...
 

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My husband's orientation is not the one he told me when I chose him. He has no choice but to seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere. As far as I am concerned, our marriage no longer has a sexual component and never will again. He is free to do with that what he will. I figure I can do a lot worse than spending every day with my very best friend. But I'm not fucking him anymore. That's done. I agree with Ellie that his pretending at one orientation, and making me suffer through the consequences of that, constitutes a breach of our marriage promises. He can do whatever he wants with his penis. Lord knows I see to the care of my needs my own way. If he doesn't like my terms, he knows he can finish paying for my house, which I told him he owes me for uprooting me under false pretenses, and go wherever he wants. I didn't want a mixed orientation marriage, and I wanted monogamy. If I had my life to do over, I probably would have accepted a proposal from a friend I stopped sleeping with when I started dating my husband. Maybe not. But if I had known my husband wasn't heterosexual, and had all this confusion about just what his sexual identity is, I would not have married him in the first place.

I don't know your wife. I don't know you. I know me. I know my problem with his orientation is that we have never had a particularly good sexual connection. I expect when his mother dies he will come up with some drawn out confession that he needs to go out and live his truth. After everything we have been through together, I'll probably be forced to harm him if that comes to pass. I gave up a lot tying my life to his. I don't care who he wants to fuck of he comes home every day. If after all I have endured because I love him, knowing everything he knows about me and my emotional needs, if he wants to abandon our marriage altogether, he's probably going to suffer.

I don't know your wife. I only know me.
 
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Bittydrew

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What would happen if the shoe was on the other foot that you were bi instead of your husband ever think about a guys feeling about that ?
 

Bittydrew

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And during the 30 years we are financially hooked together don't think either one of us wants a divorce just no more sex in our life she has no way to support herself just trying to understand what her view would be on this if she just wants to live together and have no sex to me thats telling me that I can't have any sex either kind of onesided in my opinion I got to give up sex cause the other one says so....to me sex is just playing don't have a gender or commitment
 

AlteredEgo

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What would happen if the shoe was on the other foot that you were bi instead of your husband ever think about a guys feeling about that ?
I am bisexual. I disclosed this up front. I was prepared to be monogamous to him, forsaking all others. Implicit in our promises was that we would both offer ourselves sexually to each other, and that we would both attempt to strengthen our sexual bond. I did not sign up to be legal roommates. He did not want to pursue sex with me, even though I made it crystal clear that it was important to me years before he proposed. He led me to believe that it was important to him too, and that he wanted to provide me with the sexual bonding I required.

And so I tried everything, including therapy, and he tried nothing, including therapy. And in my own home, I was rejected every time I asked for sex. A few times a year he'd approach me and perform his little sexual script. Sometimes I'd even think we were improving our sexual connection, but then I'd fuck it up by lingering in a kiss too long, or touching him "too sensually". And then our bed would be cold for months.

Thinking he had some problem he had to work through, but feeling so frustrated I couldn't focus, I asked for permission to make a few friends for casual sex. We set rules, and we were both free. The expectation was to bring new lessons to our bed. He didn't even try. He made more excuses than ever for not having sex with me (or anyone).

Eventually, I figured out he is gay. He swears he isn't, but he's had sexual contact with some dude a few times. I offerred way before that to bring a dude to explore together. No. He said to bring a woman. I brought several. Nothing happened. Only excuses.

He swears he's attracted to me. Says he's pansexual. There is no evidence of this attraction outside his childish attempts at flirting that I used to think were cute. I didn't sign up to be his fucking beard. The time to tell me he was anything other than heterosexual was way back when we were just friends, and we talked about orientation. He didn't do that. He also could have done so any time before we got married. I resent that he did not. He gets some leeway because I honestly think he didn't know. He still ruined my dreams for myself.

I have decided to dream different dreams, and be loyal to him. I look around and see many marriages much worse than mine. He has been everything I wanted in a husband except heterosexual. He is my best friend. That solid friendship is missing from all the unhappy marriages I see. That solid friendship will still be there post-menopause, and long after I have lost intetest in sex. We have been through a lot together. We take very good care of each other. But I do not have the marriage I wanted, because he stole time and opportunity from me.

I don't know your wife. She may be nothing like me. But if I were widowed and looking to rebuild, and dude popped up years in, talking about he's actually bisexual and can't do monogamy after all, I will be in prison for beating him viciously. I will never tolerate this deception from another man, because I will have told any such man all about my history. If he could still do such a thing to me, I'm going to have to hurt him on general principle.

Maybe your wife is dying to suck dicks with you. Maybe she'll be relieved that you don't want the monogamy you promised. But maybe she won't. How can I know? It's not a hive mind. Women are not Borg.
 
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What would happen if the shoe was on the other foot that you were bi instead of your husband ever think about a guys feeling about that ?

Uh, I know my orientation and am open about it. I tell anyone I've ever even casually dated. I damn sure don't get into a serious relationship without discussing it.

Sorry, not sorry, but in Western cultures, in this era? 9 chances out of 10 I don't buy into a person not knowing their orientation as a grown ass adult. People may be in denial or not want to tell others, but they know. I've known who I was attracted to nearly my entire life.
 
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Oh, as for watching people? I occasionally watch porn, and the genres I watch are all over the place. In person, I'm not into watching. Male/male or otherwise. I'm not into threesomes or moresomes, either.
 
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AlteredEgo

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And during the 30 years we are financially hooked together don't think either one of us wants a divorce just no more sex in our life she has no way to support herself just trying to understand what her view would be on this if she just wants to live together and have no sex to me thats telling me that I can't have any sex either kind of onesided in my opinion I got to give up sex cause the other one says so....to me sex is just playing don't have a gender or commitment
What have you done about your erectile dysfunction? She stopped fucking you because you couldn't perform, which she may have begun to take personally after a while, and your solution was she should peg you?

I can't speak for anyone else, but I pegged my husband a few times and initially found it boring. The more I felt rejected, it went from boring to disgusting. I am completely dry and slightly repulsed just contemplating fucking a bisexual or gay but curious man. That's because of what I have been through. At some point, to protect myself emotionally, I went from thinking my husband was probably the sexiest man alive, to being able to see that he is, objectively, conventionally handsome. But the idea of sex with him fills my mouth with bile.

I'm still not used to my decision to honor his request to remain married. I still can't relax when he wants to hold me. I let him, but I don't know if snuggling will ever be pleasurable to me again even though early morning snuggles were my favorite part of my day once upon a time. I won't let him move back into my bedroom.

So now that I understand that your wife gave up on sex because of erectile dysfunction, I'm trying to think how I would react to that. This man wants to tell me he can't get it up for me for the last 15 years, and now he wants me to tolerate watching him have sex with a man? No. I'm not having it. I don't care what he does. I don't feel sexually possessive. But he can't do that shit with me, and I hope he respects me enough to schedule bringing men home around my business trips and solo vacations. But again, that's me.
 
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If a man I was with got ED, we would be looking for a solution to it. Together. That doesn't mean me pegging. That is not an equivalent exchange of one activity for another. I can enjoy pegging, knowing a partner enjoys it. I can get into it mentally and other ways.

It is not any kind of a substitute for PiV sex if that is what I am used to with that partner. PiV is mutual physical pleasure and a lovely way of feeling connected to someone. Pegging is mostly one sided, in my experience. Double ended whatever is interesting but not really going to do it for me.
 
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if she just wants to live together and have no sex to me thats telling me that I can't have any sex either kind of onesided in my opinion I got to give up sex cause the other one says so....to me sex is just playing don't have a gender or commitment

I say this with kindness but firmness... it doesn't sound like she is really the one who decided to not have sex. Your ED took care of that. You can either figure out how to make that work together... or not.

Just because your sex life with your wife is not pleasurable for either of you does not mean it's not cheating if you just go out and get fucked by a man WITHOUT her agreeing to it and negotiating boundaries.

It sounds like sex is NOT "just playing" to her. It also sounds like you are frustrated by your ED and desperately want to have a sex life... and will take it however you can get it. I strongly recommend that you explore that with the counselor BEFORE you go down the path of no return with your wife. If you still feel the same way, I hope you two can negotiate the rules for your open marriage.

Also, it sounds pretty shitty for you to say she has no way of supporting herself and tying that to your getting fucked. You may not intend for it to be extortion, but that's pretty much what you're doing.
 

LaFemme

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It’s unfortunate that your finances are so tied together. It’s a trap couples fall into too many time when they get married. The husband works outside the home, while the wife works inside the home. It leaves the woman bound to him with few alternatives when the marriage sours. And your’s has soured. You can’t leave her stranded and she can’t seek happiness elsewhere. It’s why I’d never let a man support me. Never. I carry my own load.

You entered this union under false pretences. If I was your wife, I’d be seeking ways to extricate myself anyway possible. I’d go back to school, or learn a skill, move in with a parent, sibling, friend - whatever I needed to do get out. For me? I deserve better than a sexless, compassionless marriage to a sexually confused man who I thought I loved. Figure yourself out on your own time. But that’s me. I’m not your wife. I believe in monogamy and that life is too short to be miserable. You obviously have other values.
 

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I am not the one that stopped the sex she did so everyone get off there high horse about it we were playing around when she pegged me we both wanted to try it at the time then she decided to stop it cause didn't turn her on so were just not sexual compatible anymore and I don't extort my wife I was thinking about her welfare if she decided to leave me I AM JUST NOT GONNA PUT UP WITH THE NO SEX IN OUR LIFE ANYMORE ONE WAY OR ANOTHER She might not want to have sex but I do ..so she has made her choice time for me to make my choice ....Not even a kiss or hug out of her for 10 years now
 
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I'd imagine she DOES want to have sex with you.... but not pegging you... described above as being all about the recipient... what physical pleasure does she get from it... none... and because of your ED, she gets no physical pleasure from traditional sex. She's bitter. She probably loves you, or she would not still be there, but she's hella pissed that she isn't satisfied. Either deal with it by having a sexless marriage with someone you love or have the big boy conversation about having an open relationship... but don't be surprised if she's not ok with it. I wouldn't be, but lucky for you, I'm not your wife. After 10 years, she may go for it.
 

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Guess you guys would rather me just divorce her and throw her out on the street then I really can't do that to a person so I guess finding help but tried it once and she acted like nothing was wrong with our sex life..So a therapist didn't work what else is there she won't talk about it at all just fed up at this point and really thru putting up with women in general....I gave her a 100 percent when we had sex and she liked it I wasn't getting anything back kind of hard having sex with someone that won't really have sex with you suppose to be a two way street not just what she wants...
 
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