Does love equal best sex?

[petite]

Are you going to tell partners that, let alone a wife?

I ask, because an old friend from here, M Zora, used to insist on absolute honesty and this is one of the areas that I just couldn't see that working.

Is it then something that we should accept will be the case?

I mentioned the bf I had whom I loved but was not good in bed. I did not tell him that he wasn't the best lover and I wouldn't do so because that would be unnecessarily hurtful. What would be the point of that information? What is the point of honesty if it harms and it's not necessary for him to know? I wouldn't tell a current lover than another lover outperformed him. I just wouldn't.

Unfortunately, he figured it out since it was a constant problem and I was trying to spice up the sex all the time and encourage him to do more things, he figured out that I was unhappy with our sex life. If he had simply gone with my efforts, and our sex life had become spicier, then he probably would have never figured out that I expected more, that I had come to expect more, but instead of being more fun in the bedroom, he continued to be a bore, so things eventually ended between us.*



*It wasn't quite that cut and dry. He started getting paranoid that I would cheat on him, and he started treating me very badly. His jealousy got out of control and it ended terribly. The worst ending to any relationship I've ever had.

 

[Gecko4lif]

I mentioned the bf I had whom I loved but was not good in bed. I did not tell him that he wasn't the best lover and I wouldn't do so because that would be unnecessarily hurtful. What would be the point of that information? What is the point of honesty if it harms and it's not necessary for him to know? I wouldn't tell a current lover than another lover outperformed him. I just wouldn't.

Unfortunately, he figured it out since it was a constant problem and I was trying to spice up the sex all the time and encourage him to do more things, he figured out that I was unhappy with our sex life. If he had simply gone with my efforts, and our sex life had become spicier, then he probably would have never figured out that I expected more, that I had come to expect more, but instead of being more fun in the bedroom, he continued to be a bore, so things eventually ended between us.*



*It wasn't quite that cut and dry. He started getting paranoid that I would cheat on him, and he started treating me very badly. His jealousy got out of control and it ended terribly. The worst ending to any relationship I've ever had.

Ahh

Interesting

 

[petite]

Ahh

Interesting

I just kept trying because we were really good together out of the bedroom. We weren't sexually compatible and I should have ended it long before it got bad. It was a learning experience.

 

[Gecko4lif]

I just kept trying because we were really good together out of the bedroom. We weren't sexually compatible and I should have ended it long before it got bad. It was a learning experience.

How long did it take him to figure out he was a lame duck?

 

[petite]

How long did it take him to figure out he was a lame duck?

He just had a very low libido. He was happy with having sex 2-3 times a week in bed in the missionary position, which he was good at. He regularly brought me to orgasm every time. He was just uninterested in other positions, other places in the house, oral sex, or anything else, which is what I was unhappy about. I knew that he felt inadequate when he began acting incredibly paranoid all the time and started accusing me of looking for another lover to either leave him or cheat on him, which was about 5 months into our relationship. By that time, I had tried a lot of things to get him to be more interesting in the bedroom.

 

[Gecko4lif]

He just had a very low libido. He was happy with having sex 2-3 times a week in bed in the missionary position, which he was good at. He regularly brought me to orgasm every time. He was just uninterested in other positions, other places in the house, oral sex, or anything else, which is what I was unhappy about. I knew that he felt inadequate when he began acting incredibly paranoid all the time and started accusing me of looking for another lover to either leave him or cheat on him, which was about 5 months into our relationship. By that time, I had tried a lot of things to try and get him to be more interesting in the bedroom.

2-3 time a week isnt normal?

I was about to say something but I realized I couldnt use myself as a benchmark given my... proclivities

 

[petite]

2-3 time a week isnt normal?

I was about to say something but I realized I couldnt use myself as a benchmark given my... proclivities

According to the statistics, that's perfectly normal. A lot of women would have been perfectly happy with him. A lot of women prefer the missionary position in bed all the time and would like a man who didn't push them for more than that. Maybe he's with one of them now.

My libido is higher and my sexual tastes are more varied. That's why we weren't compatible. I came on to him about 3x more often than we actually had sex and I often wondered if I stopped coming onto him if we would be having sex at all.

 

[Gecko4lif]

According to the statistics, that's perfectly normal. A lot of women would have been perfectly happy with him. A lot of women prefer the missionary position in bed all the time and would like a man who didn't push them for more than that. Maybe he's with one of them now.

My libido is higher and my sexual tastes are more varied. That's why we weren't compatible. I came on to him about 3x more often than we actually had sex and I often wondered if I stopped coming onto him if we would be having sex at all.

I see.

My libido has always been monstrous. My last girlfirend and I had sex about 9 times a day on the weekends. Only takes me about 30-45 seconds to acheive another erection after cumming so it was a pretty fervent pace.

We of course had to stop every once and a while for water breaks, sandwich stops and to recoup some energy but for the most part it was just crazy

Always fatigued on monday though but it was a gratifying fatigue.

 

[B_subgirrl]

My libido is higher and my sexual tastes are more varied. That's why we weren't compatible. I came on to him about 3x more often than we actually had sex and I often wondered if I stopped coming onto him if we would be having sex at all.

You might be right about not having sex at all Petite. My ex had a very low sex drive. When I got depression and stopped initiating we stopped having sex entirely. We literally had no sex for the last three months of our relationship. It was a learning experience for me too. Basically, I learned that it doesn't matter how good you are together in other areas, if your sex drives and desires are that incompatible it's unlikely to work.

 

[petite]

I see.

My libido has always been monstrous. My last girlfirend and I had sex about 9 times a day on the weekends. Only takes me about 30-45 seconds to acheive another erection after cumming so it was a pretty fervent pace.

We of course had to stop every once and a while for water breaks, sandwich stops and to recoup some energy but for the most part it was just crazy

Always fatigued on monday though but it was a gratifying fatigue.

I remembr 19! That was a fun time in my life! He was 32.

That part I still don't understand is if he knew I was unhappy and he really was afraid of losing me, why didn't he just be more open minded and fun in the bedroom instead of being so inflexible in the bedroom and becoming a paranoid jealous crazy person? I'll never know.

It really doesn't matter. That wasn't a part of his nature and so we weren't meant to be together. I should have ended that relationship sooner.

 

[petite]

You might be right about not having sex at all Petite. My ex had a very low sex drive. When I got depression and stopped initiating we stopped having sex entirely. We literally had no sex for the last three months of our relationship. It was a learning experience for me too. Basically, I learned that it doesn't matter how good you are together in other areas, if your sex drives and desires are that incompatible it's unlikely to work.

Isn't that a terrible feeling when your partner never initiates sex? It made me feel unattractive.

 

[B_subgirrl]

Isn't that a terrible feeling when your partner never initiates sex? It made me feel unattractive.

Me too. I had depression already and that just sent it though the roof. He also rarely came during sex and didn't like receiving oral. I love to give oral so I was lost - lol.

Glad to hear that you got out. Those paranoid jealous types are scary sometimes.

 

[HiddenLacey]

Isn't that a terrible feeling when your partner never initiates sex? It made me feel unattractive.

This thread is killing me. This is exactly where I'm at right now. :frown1: I feel the same way. Last month it was once. I'm kind of to the point that I just don't understand anymore. And I no longer want to initiate it myself because I just feel like why doesn't he. I think he knows that I'm unhappy. I'm struggling to make it work. I'm not even going to go into the things he's been doing lately, but if I say I wish I had X he buys it and then says repeatedly are you happy now? Does this make you happy? :frown1: I swear I don't want to hurt him. It's a good thing I have a meeting today because I'm dying to get out of the house.

 

[B_subgirrl]

:frown1: I'm so sad for you submissivegirl. It's a terrible place to be in a relationship. It makes you feel awful. For me, it's not somewhere I would go again (ie. I would get out early) but everyone is different. Do you feel as though it could improve?

 

[D_Barbi_Dahl]

I've loved several people over the years and I've had sex with many more. I think love and sex are independent with one another, but the ones I've fallen for have usually been the better lovers.

I think TheBoyfriend is the best of them all because he's the most open-minded and fun of anyone I've ever been with before. He has no hang-ups.

I have been in love with a man whom I did not enjoy having sex with very much. He was not a great lover. I fell for him long before we had sex, so I did not know that he wasn't good in bed.

Most people will have sex more often with a better lover. There is scientific evidence that the more sex and physical affection you have with someone, the more likely you will have feelings of attachment and love, because of the neurotransmitter oxytocin, which is released during physical contact and during sex. It's a physiological reason why human beings have a difficult time with NSA sex, especially if one has sex with the same partner over and over again. Because of the synergistic effect estrogen with oxytocin, it is believed that oxytocin affects women much more strongly than men, making us more likely to feel emotional and loyal because of sex. Sound familiar? It seems that we are actually build this way. Maybe women's selectiveness when it comes to choosing sexual partners is self protective, in order to prevent us from becoming loyal to men with whom we should not.

Whew...I'm relieved to know that science is to blame and not my girly-ness.

 

[D_Barbi_Dahl]

This thread is killing me. This is exactly where I'm at right now. :frown1: I feel the same way. Last month it was once. I'm kind of to the point that I just don't understand anymore. And I no longer want to initiate it myself because I just feel like why doesn't he. I think he knows that I'm unhappy. I'm struggling to make it work. I'm not even going to go into the things he's been doing lately, but if I say I wish I had X he buys it and then says repeatedly are you happy now? Does this make you happy? :frown1: I swear I don't want to hurt him. It's a good thing I have a meeting today because I'm dying to get out of the house.

Hang in there...but you'll know when the time is right.

 

[D_Barbi_Dahl]

I have had a handful of boyfriends, & a handful of partners

I've been dating my bf now for almost 2 years, I can cheesily say I've never had a love like this before, nor have I had the best sex, which somehow keeps getting better. It amazes me how good are sex is, sometimes I question it, haha.

Lucky girl. It's easy to fall in love. But being loved in return...that's the tricky part.

 

[D_Barbi_Dahl]

Best sex was with someone I was not in love with, but we clicked in ever other way. Thankfully, I never confused hot sex with love. I have loved others and experienced great sex with them, but I was addickted to the best sex guy and would still revisit. :08:

It's hard to separate hot sex with love sometimes. Especially when the "girly" springs into action.

 

[D_wibbles]

i find a lover areal one ie, one you are in love with brings more to the table then just "fuckin" making "love" is just as said. there more to it you body and mind are more relaxed and in to one and other . and i know just were to go in the body and in the pussy to hit the good spots. so id say yes . just ruff fast quick fucking is fun there nothing like houres of love makin .

 

[petite]

This thread is killing me. This is exactly where I'm at right now. :frown1: I feel the same way. Last month it was once. I'm kind of to the point that I just don't understand anymore. And I no longer want to initiate it myself because I just feel like why doesn't he. I think he knows that I'm unhappy. I'm struggling to make it work. I'm not even going to go into the things he's been doing lately, but if I say I wish I had X he buys it and then says repeatedly are you happy now? Does this make you happy? :frown1: I swear I don't want to hurt him. It's a good thing I have a meeting today because I'm dying to get out of the house.

Aw, I'm so sorry! Like I said before, that was my experience with that guy, who is probably different from your guy because they're different guys. It sounds like the two of you need to talk about things and see if you can figure things out, find out what's going on there.

Whew...I'm relieved to know that science is to blame and not my girly-ness.

LOL! Technically it's science + girliness, since it wouldn't work so well on us if we didn't have estrogen!

It's a powerful and scary chemical.

Sort of an overview of why it's related to love:

Oxytocin: The Love Molecule? : Neurotopia (BTW, if you laugh out loud at the norepinephrine joke, then you really are a geek.)

Friday Weird Science: Oxytocin and the Big O : Neurotopia

Details worth reading about:

Oxytocin: Starting with the basics : Neurotopia

Oxytocin: This one's for the Ladies : Neurotopia

Oxytocin: Let's hear it for the boys! : Neurotopia

Friday Weird Science: Oxytocin in your Cavernosa : Neurotopia

What's scarier is that you can buy synthetic versions. I was looking on one website and they were selling synthetic oxytocin as relationship therapy, the idea being that both of you would consume it, spend positive time together, and re-bond as a couple. Why not just have sex and spend the afterglow looking into one another's eyes? It's the same thing. They also sell oxytocin "trust sprays" that are supposedly effective during business situations and influencing females on a date with you.

Hormone Spray Is Found To Bolster Trust in Others - washingtonpost.com

It increases empathy in men also:
Hormone spray improves male sensitivity