Does my wife have a Low Libido (or do I have a high one) ?

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by D_Barzillai Whackingsauce, Jun 18, 2007.

  1. D_Barzillai Whackingsauce

    D_Barzillai Whackingsauce Account Disabled

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    I am seeking help and honest thoughts from the women (and men who might have insight) in this forum. I have been married, coming just up on three years now and My wife, in my opinion has a rather low Libido compared to mine. I am very adventurous in the bedroom and am always looking for excitement and something new with in the confines of my monogamous relationship (look at the site I am on), I would love to be able to share this with her - would be a great turn on. I have tired numerous times to broach the subject, trying to entice her, asked her over and over again if there is something we could be doing differently. I have opened up about what I like (love to talk express fantasies, talk about past lovers and future ideas - even if they don't come true, it's fun to think about), with the hopes she might express an interest, or even a dislike of the idea of talking in the bedroom, or even using toys, watching videos. She has expressed interest in some of the ideas, she tells me over and over again she is attracted to me but at times I just don't feel it. Sex is very much something that happens in the bedroom at night for her (one a week) admittedly I'd love it more often, but more importantly it's the quality what we do in that one night a week, for me it encompasses life (Not to be confused with an all out 24 hour obsession) but we are sexual beings and I love to explore that. I was always open with her about it, even when dating - she use to talk all the time with me about sex and ideas. We never "Did it" like rabbits when we dated but always thought there would be more as we became closer to one and other, we keep promising one and other we're going to try and fix this and w keep falling into the same pit, slump.

    Should I be worried, is there any suggestions anyone has, maybe insight from a similar situation? I am also open to the idea that I just need to cool my jets and maybe expecting too much (maybe I am a pervert). I look forward to a reply

    B
     
  2. snoozan

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    Well, dating is for figuring out if you're compatible with your partner, and expecting great changes in them after you're married is doomed to failure. No matter what she said, the truth of the matter is in what you typed-- you knew she didn't have as much of a libido as you do before you got married.

    As it is now, the more you pressure her and the more you bitch, the less likely she is to even want to have sex. You can't change her libido. She could have sex with you more often if she wanted, but you can't force her to do so. Even if she agrees with it, you don't want to get her into the mindset that sex is a chore because she'll stop enjoying it.

    You refer to a slump-- does she see it that way, or is she relatively happy about your sex life, except maybe that you're unhappy?

    It sounds like you just have different libidos. You either have to be happy with it as it is and maybe it'll get better, but be able to accept it if it doesn't get better. You can't make her want sex more by obsessing about it, especially not to her. You're just going to make her feel like less of a woman and less likely to want sex if you pressure her.

    As far as the topic question, people are simply different in how often they want sex and there's a wide range of what is normal. Once a week is normal for some. Once a day for others.

    My husband and I have very compatible libidos. Thank God. It's one of those little things that makes being married much easier. And I still perv away here on LPSG. Go figure.
     
  3. D_Barzillai Whackingsauce

    D_Barzillai Whackingsauce Account Disabled

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    That is a very honest answer. Thank you. I do think one thing and perhaps disagree with you. Sex can evolve and I stress CAN, it does not guarantee change but as each person becomes more open, knowing the other better things CAN open up, thus at the dating stage things were spoke about, and thought about, but it has declinded quite a bit. To answer your quesiton : I hear her say that she sees an issue, she loves the sex we have but I'm not sure if she wants to change it. I guess I am worried that we are GROWING APPART sexualy. Now like I stressed the volume is not so much of an issue (I know once a week can be normal for some and I can deal with that and to go further would enjoy once a week. It's how we approach sex - I Stress communication. I hope that I am not obsessing about it, but rather speaking to her openly about how I feel and what I want, and I know in no way am I forcing it on her, I have always said there might be somehtings she just does not want and I am okay with that - but until she met me she was not even sure what turned her on, she did not like oral sex (now she loves me goig down on her) I agree with you whole heartily about not turning it into a chore and that's what I want to avoid but look for progressive ways to speak to one and other, so we can get comforable with each other libidos. Hope this makes sense

    B
     
  4. whatireallywant

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    Yes, people are vastly different in their libidos. I have dated guys where our libidos were not matched (generally, mine was higher than his).
     
  5. D_Barzillai Whackingsauce

    D_Barzillai Whackingsauce Account Disabled

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    I guess my question is this : Is the Libido something that can we worked on with communication and process, or is it set in stone. "I am what I am." ?
     
  6. snoozan

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    i'd put it in the "i am what i am" category.

    people always have ups and downs, and libidos can increase or decrease markedly with age, hormonal changes, pregnancy and childbirth, etc.

    but in this situation, i don't think you're going to be able to make her libido change drastically.
     
  7. D_Barzillai Whackingsauce

    D_Barzillai Whackingsauce Account Disabled

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    Fair. I guess what we need to work on is how to accept this : I love her and I am the first to admit marriage is so, so much more than sex. This is not an issue to leave one and other over (Be it a big topical issue in a relationship and can dissolve reltionships with good ground) maybe we communicate about me "perving out" and allowing me to express myself in the bedroom (It's not like she's disgusted by how I approch sex). So much of it is communication for me - dirty talk and maybe suggesting something new now and then. Example : She says she likes porn now and then but don't think she'd ever say to me "Hey want to rent a porn." Which is a huge turn on for me (A woman to express her sexuality to me or her turn ons) Or "Hey that guys is very sexy." or taking a peak at LPSG and getting turned on. I'm not sure she feels right or comforable expressing her self and I'm not sure if it's a libido issue or something else...
     
  8. Drifterwood

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    I would consider once a week and perhaps less if she could, to be a very low libido for people in their late twenties.

    I can't see that you have done anything wrong in trying to communicate your natural needs to her and I can understand why you might become increasingly concerned. Neither men nor women enjoy their sexual advances and needs being rejected by the person who is supposed to love them and to have vowed themselves to them.

    I do agree however with a previous poster that dating is the time when you should try to work this one out. But it isn't always as simple as that, and now you have to deal with the present situation.

    Sadly, if you cannot resolve this to your mutual satisfaction, I can't see a happy ending. Either you will have to accept a marriage with significant unhappiness and unfulfillment or you will do something else.

    I would suggest some sessions with marriage guidance, if nothing else they do make partners understand each other's views, needs, expectations etc.

    Good luck to you.
     
  9. ManlyBanisters

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    I always quote the Annie Hall line when presented with this topic: He says "We hardly ever have sex, maybe three times a week!" She says "We have sex all the time! Three times a week!" It is, I'm afraid, a matter of perception.. I'm not sure whether it is libido - it's hard to say if you have a high libido, certainly higher than your wife's at the moment. I certainly do not think you are a pervert for wanting sex with your wife more than once a week.

    When you say you are talking about it I assume you mean it comes up when you want sex and she doesn't - I may be wrong - and you discuss it without pressuring her. Maybe bring it up when it is clear you don't want sex so she gets to talk about it with no pressure.

    Maybe try letting her drive for a while. Let her ask you when she wants sex. Let her know in advance so she doesn't think you've gone off her of course - try saying something like, I'm not going to initiate sex for a while - I'll leave it completely up to you to ask when you want it and I won't say no when you ask. That will give her the chance to be in a place where she does not feel pressured at all. Because maybe right now she sees it more as a duty than a pleasure. I'm not saying you are hassling her - but she may feel hassled none-the-less.

    Let her have control - you may find you go 2 or 3 weeks without any sex, you may find she sticks to once a week, you may find she wants it 2 or 3 times some weeks and once or not at all other weeks. Let her have this control so she (and you) can discover wha she actually wants. And then, if that is not OK for you, you want more (less even!) you can take it from there. But right now it doesn't sound like you or she has a terribly clear picture of her requirements. This goes for the quality and type of sex too, not just the frequency.

    Also - maybe ask her about masturbation - does she masturbate regularly - do you masturbate together, in private with eachother's knowledge or in total private? Is this something you are comfortable doing together?
     
  10. snoozan

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    Nope. I'm in my late 20s and from the people I know, it's perfectly normal for women of this age, especially those who are married or in long-term relationships. I find myself getting more of a libido as I get older. From what I understand, this is normal for many women. Even more important, labeling this woman as having a low libido puts the problem firmly with her-- and laying blame for something she can't control is a very bad thing for a marriage in general.

    At any rate, low or high, her libido is what it is, and though she may want to go to her gyn for testing to check things out, I doubt on the basis of just her libido anything wrong hormonally will be suspected.

    I agree with what ManlyBanisters said. It's a very good idea and worth a try. She's a smart lady.
     
  11. D_Barzillai Whackingsauce

    D_Barzillai Whackingsauce Account Disabled

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    I agree Snoozan, saying SHE has a low Libido does put the issue solely on her, this is why I have put the idea of me having a too high of a libido in parentheses. Because there is a guarentee that I am a part of this in someway and I do hope that I have made this clear in my other posts ; which is me trying to sort through all this, getting comfortable with what we share and how she examines sex and her sexuality, and examine the ways I can ask her, approch this issue for me. Thus this question, this thread. It's hard in a relationship (esp after long term) to guage yourself sometimes, and it's comforting to hear from others to help establish that guage. Snoozan has offered some great insight (as well as the others) and suggestions. This is in no way a blame thing. I never look at issues in relationships as blaming or pointing, we share this, and 90% of the time we can work our issues out. This time we are at a stalemate. I think a thrid party who is educated on counseling is the best option down the road, in the mean time I am just looking to share and read with others how they feel on the subject. Thanks so much for the readings, this is great.
     
  12. D_Barzillai Whackingsauce

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    Snoozan you agree with letting her drive for a while...? Now i guess it's best to talk about this action first : State that we are letting her drive for awhile. I don't want to just go a head and wait for her initiate sex then srping it on her saying, "Well I was waiting for you and look it took three weeks, we might have an issue." Might come across as passive aggressive. Hope you agree

    As for the Masturbation angle : I think that is interesting to do togehter would be sexy.(Done it in past relationships) She knows that I might on occassion explore that. We've spoken about that before, and I am almost certian she does NOT do it EVER in this relationship. I know she has done it on ocassion when she was single. I would not have an issue if she were taking sometime her her self, for her self. Even if the quality was still an issue between her and I
     
  13. SpoiledPrincess

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    You really should have sorted this out before getting married, however the majority of my married friends have sex once a week or less, I think sometimes there's this attitude of 'we can have sex any time so let's do it tomorrow when we're less tired.'
    People usually advise that you have to settle for what she's happy to give, I don't agree with this however, you're in a partnership where both partners should want to please the other. It always seems to be the woman who sets the sexual tone, and that's not fair, there should be a compromise, you should settle for a little less than you want, she should make more of an effort to please you. The thing with sex is she might not be in the mood but after five minutes of you eating her pussy she would be.
    Are you making things interesting for her or have you fallen into a rut sexually where you follow a set menu? We do like to have our interest piqued but if she won't speak up and say if there are things she'd like to try I do think you have to talk to her and tell her you're not satisfied and ask what she suggests. It'd be a pretty selfish woman who said 'well tough I'm satisfied so that's how things will stay.'
    You have to work at a marriage and your sex life is a part of that marriage.
     
  14. D_Barzillai Whackingsauce

    D_Barzillai Whackingsauce Account Disabled

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    Yes I do try to entice her. I am a huge lover of going down on her. Always have been. I am always suggesting new things. We do for a while, then they fall to the side. I have to admit I sometimes feel there is little effort to please me. She hates giving head (which is TOTALLY fine - though I do like it) but I ask her to help me come up with other alt. ways to please me (but she does little work on that end. It's hand job as foreplay for me and me going down on her, along with fingers clitorial stimulation for her). I don't keep score but would love if she came to the table with suggestions to turn me on, the way I come to the table with ideas.

    I agree I am in a partnership and I do feel, I think that I am meeting her halfway (haivng less sex - again not so much the frwquency but quality) I am not mad at her about his I really want to stress that. I;m just looking for the tools to either be okay with this or solve it, or help nurish it in someway. And I agree it should have been examined closer at the dating stage. But that did not happen and there is so much more in this relationship that it's still worth it. And knowing what I know now; I still would have married her. I just assumed that this sex might grow with time...
     
  15. SpoiledPrincess

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    It possibly will get better with time a lot of women only get into their sexual stride as they get a little older BUT it's a partnership and she should want to please you, even if she's not enjoying sex as much as you she's still enjoying it so it's not like you're asking her to stick needles in her eyes. A blow job is a normal part of any normal sex life and you're not asking her for anything unusual and out of the ordinary - I don't suggest that women should be asked to do something they find abhorrent but we all do things for our partner we're not 100% keen on because we take pleasure in their pleasure. When you try to talk about this with her is she willing to talk about it or does she try to fob you off with excuses? What are the things she likes, maybe you could try playing games of some sort to make things interesting for her - get her to write down her fantasy and act it out for her, get her into role play where she can enter into being 'another person' who might do things that she wouldn't want to do as her normal self, BUT it is a partnership and she has to contribute in every way.
     
  16. D_Barzillai Whackingsauce

    D_Barzillai Whackingsauce Account Disabled

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    I like the idea of writing things down. Very good idea. And Role Playing. Cool. (Being another person) I agree that we do things we're not 100% excited about in sexual partnerships as well as in other areas. I can't count how many times I've been to a movie I had no interest in seeing but it made her happy. But it's so hard to ask her to go down on me, when she's not into it. It's not something she views a nasty or wrong, she just does not like it. I've tried to ask and suggest it a few times, and she just does not want to. She will try it for a while, then will stop it all together. Last time she went down on me was like maybe a year ago. (8 months maybe). She feels good, she has orgasms and says she loves what I do. But when it comes to me she's at a loss (she said so before) and I try and say, "well why not look something up. Maybe check out the internet find a few things that might excite me interms of forepay." Plus not to mention the myraid of ideas fantasies I have and spoke about.
     
  17. D_Barzillai Whackingsauce

    D_Barzillai Whackingsauce Account Disabled

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    And to further answer : She does tend to shut down when I bring this up. It's very hard to begin this conversation with her. Once we get going (and it keeps coming up) it's okay and very easy, we work on it, we speak about change. Then nothing happens...we're right back to square one.

    This type of sexual relationship is very new to me. I have always been with very adventurous women who equal what I find sexy, and have always been able to express myself and have been recieved with great feedback. The peope I've been with have grown with me and in TURN I have grown with them. I have learned and changed. This I'm just not sure about, or how to read it.
     
  18. SpoiledPrincess

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    I'm sorry Bruce but it sounds like she's not interested in pleasing you, it's only a blow job you want, it's not going to kill her and the very fact it would be pleasing you should be enough to make her want to do it. She's getting the degree of satisfaction she needs from your sex life, so should you. You say when it comes to you she's at a loss - well she's not really, you told her you'd love a blow job and she's not willing to do it, I know some women don't like blowjobs but most will happily give them because they want their partner to be satisfied. I think you might have allowed her to get away with being a little lazy in bed.
     
  19. B_horribleperson

    B_horribleperson New Member

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    how does she react when you talk with her about fantasies does she want to talk about them or does she change the subject??

    do u 2 watch porn videos or use sex toys?


    also it sounds like sex to her is something"dirty" and "bad" and she is just having sex to shut you up
     
  20. D_Barzillai Whackingsauce

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    I guess. It's very strange. Then I worry about how that's happened. It's very confusing. I try and not feel inadequate, or think that maybe I've done something wrong.

    What I do know this is : This is the first time she's been challenged in bed. Sex for her in the past was always simple : no foreplay - (use to hate men going down on her, now she likes it becuase I do and now gets off on it), it use to be in-and-out done wiht other boys. She and her Ex Bf never spoke about things, never tired new things, not to mention she has not been with many partners.

    Don't get me wrong I don't think I am breaking any records with the women I've been with but the quality has been so much different, and I have been with more then she has
     
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