bruceprjx,
I am glad to see that things are working out for you. I tried to post yesterday, but my connection to the site was bad.
What I wanted to say is: don’t give up!
My wife and I have had the same issues and are now stronger than ever. She was a virgin when we married, so we never had an opportunity to ‘work it out’ during our dating days. Our sex life has ranged from pretty dismal to fantastic, in both frequency and quality, over the past twelve years.
Communication is the key, so I applaud you for you willingness to talk things out with you wife and to weather the dry spells. Here is my advice for rain…
Find out from your wife what her needs are. Based on what you have said, I will assume that they are not bedroom/physical needs. My wife and I clarified our needs by taking the Five Love Languages quiz, by Gary Chapman. I know that it is kind of hokey, and may be a turn off to people who are not Christian, but it is a very useful tool for determining what you need and want from your significant other. My quiz revealed that my love language is overwhelmingly Physical Touch, while my wife’s was split between Acts of Service and Gifts. You can bypass the quiz by just asking your wife what she wants and needs from you, without any kind of preface. I assumed that my wife just needed some special spark to ignite her bedroom passion, but for her, the bedroom is WAY down on the list and if the things at the top of her list were not fulfilled, then there was no way that she was going to be thinking about sex.
So, we talked about what each of us needed and wanted from the other, and began doing those things. For her: me cooking dinner sometimes, taking the trash out without being asked to, sending her e-mail during the day, calling her unexpectedly to say hello, bathing the children, and bringing her little gifts like flowers and chocolate for no special occasion. For me: her being accommodating and welcoming of my needs and wants for sex on my schedule, not just when she is in the mood (although she is in the mood much more often these days), and being more physical (non-sexual) in her daily interactions with me – hugging, kissing, and touching.
It can seem forced and artificial at first, and initially we had a problem of keeping score, as it were, but as we saw how happy we were making each other, it became nearly second nature. Still, things with us are not perfect, but they are so much better than they have been. I encourage you to seek out the book, Five Love Languages, if you are interested, but definitely ask your wife what she wants and needs, with the expectation that she won’t ever mention sex (although she might).
Good luck!