Does my wife have a Low Libido (or do I have a high one) ?

D_Barzillai Whackingsauce

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She says she likes Porn. We've watch porn before but nothing is constant. We have not looked at porn in years. As for toys I keep suggesting it - I'd love to. But Nope. Anytime I suggest a sex shop she says not now (She's also worried about people spotting her and I, even if we're in an outside city) Me I don't care. We went to the sex show in Toronto once, years ago.

I even sugested she take her girl friends to a strip club anything to get her fired up. If she came home from watching some men naked or even women all fired up I'd love it. Again I'd love to be able to show her this site, this would be a great tool for us.
 

vibratingfinger

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Have your tried being more dominant in bed? Some of my gfs in past wouldn't open up to more sex unless I took full control. They got off on that shit. I don't really understand it, but I play along if it means more sex. I'm more into giving as much as taking so this whole dom/sub doesn't quite register in my mind. I find girls with stronger personalities who aren't affraid to ask for what they want more attractive.
 

datdude

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I have a very high labido, most girls cant keep pace. Well they can but dont want to.

My ex and I where together for 4 years. We where like rabbits at first , then we cooled off. We went back to rabbits, but things had to change.

1. Keep it sexy, dont take her for granted.
2. Really work on her. Lots of affection.Hugs and lots of rubbing.
3. Make her laugh

Sounds stupid, but that shit got her in the mood.
 

ManlyBanisters

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Welcome to long term relationships. This is how it is, although for me it was more of a bait and switch. She started off incredibly horny and then her sex drive just died.

Well THAT's helpful - thanks for that!

...the 'sit and fester' method... interesting, though I think I prefer the 'working together to find a happy balance' type approach the OP is going for. :rolleyes:
 

SortaBig

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Lurker, but this one brought me out. This sounds a good bit like my life. Not quite sure how it all unfolded this way, but here I am. Trying counseling now. We'll see.
 

D_Barzillai Whackingsauce

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We have a long way to go but some headway leads to a thank you to the memeber on this thread:

I spoke to my wife last night. I even mentioned this site, and this thread. She opened up. You guys have been very helpful (I must point, out SpoildPrincess and Snoozana and give extra "Props") on the advice front. I mentioned in a very productive way and asked why she was not trying to please me. I stated it was not like I was asking her to poke needles in her back) and she understood that completely. I said I am going to cool my jets when it comes to the issue. Isstill will be encouraging the exploration and will be more direct about sex toys, ideas and asking her for things but being more patient, thus not making it a chore or heated issue. I will also try and be more physical when it comes to hugs, kisses in the day to day. I showed her this site, explaned my pictures and how I loved peeaking and the women and even the men here. She though it was so sexy that people were looking at pics of me, and I was looking at other pics (She likes porn and we're going to explore that too) and told me she thought of posting pictures too, or showing off in public as a major fantasy and turn on. (You learn somthing new all the time). I said keep it coming, don't be shy, the worst thing that can happen is that I say I'm not into something we try it maybe for her and if it's truly that bad we move onto something else.

We opened the doors about her past and communications - I've known this for a while, and we sort of think this might be affecting our sex life (you guys might have comments and please do) She was raised thinking relationships where bad by her family - I won't go into that it would take forever but in short what ends up happening is she internalizes everything not externalizes even to friends. I said tell me all about it, I ask about past relationships what was good (She use to avoid talking about ex's on any level ; it's that whole internalization thing). I got her to explore past lovers and some great stories, she got excited and so did I, and she was impressed that it was okay and even sexy to speak about it. Someone asked about Masturbation and if she did on this thread - Well I asked and it turned out she did, when I am on the road. I really encouraged her to talk about it (I have no issues it's kind of sexy)


Here is a story that perhaps articulates the issue well, and this ran all the way up into her first boyfriend, having sex and finding birth control : When she was a kid, 12 or 13 a boy brought her a rose and a clown and a gift and a letter saying he had a crush on her Her mother had created such tension in the house that my wife was embarrassed, really embarrassed about it, she learned to control and keep from everyone her emotions when it came to that. If she got excited about the rose her mother would have scolded her. Don't get me wrong we are still working on this but some wonderful head way was made yesterday We are going to see someone. But we had sex last night, talking and she was really trying to please me and did some great things. Now if that was just once a week I would be happier than happier. It was intense, intimate and personal.
 

SpoiledPrincess

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That's brilliant Bruce - so many people give up on their relationships the minute it's not all plain sailing so it's great to see you're prepared to work at yours. It sounds like you made huge progress last night and I think that once the first step is taken any steps afterwards are much easier. Credit to both you and your wife :)
 

D_Barzillai Whackingsauce

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Thanks SpoildPrincess. You made a really interesting point which was that perhaps she was getting a little Lazy in Bed. And I think to a point that was true. It was not lazy-nees so much as it was a lack of understanding that there was another human being being affected in this relationship. She never really had to think that way before. She kept saying to me, "As much as she's not learning about what to do, about pleasing me, I'm not asking or suggesting anything..." I stopped for a moment and said "Actually Honey..." I was very careful as I choose my words, so not to start a fight. I did list off several things, alot of things that in the past I aksed for. I said we tried them once or twice then never did them again. She never said if she liked or diliked what I asked. I explined how important that was, for her feed back. I was left thinking okay she really does not get off on this or this, or that...69-ing is a great one for me. In the past she said to me "Geeze that really turns you on..." or "...That's making you really hard..." I said last night that you're cue to keep trying that night after night, that I like what we do, keep doing it. She really understood. And realized that perhaps she was not trying and never really have me any thought. Again talking aloud in bed; Over and over I expressed how I like it, and said you have to meet me half way. Talk to me, talk dirty don't just let me ramble on and on thinking "well he likes to talk dirty, so I 'll let him talk dirty." Paticipate with me. It was nice she admitted that and felt sorry about it. We really did make some head way and for the first time in a long while I felt that she was really interested in turning me on. I guess on somelevel people tend to think that men are so easy to arrouse. At times to get a hard on all you do is need to blow air onto it or look at it and man is ready to go, but there are other factors. I think my wife was thinking that perhaps when we got down to it, I was hard therefore that was all that was needed. The job was done but I was still missing something, a spark.

Thanks again.
 

apropos

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bruceprjx,

I am glad to see that things are working out for you. I tried to post yesterday, but my connection to the site was bad.

What I wanted to say is: don’t give up!

My wife and I have had the same issues and are now stronger than ever. She was a virgin when we married, so we never had an opportunity to ‘work it out’ during our dating days. Our sex life has ranged from pretty dismal to fantastic, in both frequency and quality, over the past twelve years.

Communication is the key, so I applaud you for you willingness to talk things out with you wife and to weather the dry spells. Here is my advice for rain…

Find out from your wife what her needs are. Based on what you have said, I will assume that they are not bedroom/physical needs. My wife and I clarified our needs by taking the Five Love Languages quiz, by Gary Chapman. I know that it is kind of hokey, and may be a turn off to people who are not Christian, but it is a very useful tool for determining what you need and want from your significant other. My quiz revealed that my love language is overwhelmingly Physical Touch, while my wife’s was split between Acts of Service and Gifts. You can bypass the quiz by just asking your wife what she wants and needs from you, without any kind of preface. I assumed that my wife just needed some special spark to ignite her bedroom passion, but for her, the bedroom is WAY down on the list and if the things at the top of her list were not fulfilled, then there was no way that she was going to be thinking about sex.

So, we talked about what each of us needed and wanted from the other, and began doing those things. For her: me cooking dinner sometimes, taking the trash out without being asked to, sending her e-mail during the day, calling her unexpectedly to say hello, bathing the children, and bringing her little gifts like flowers and chocolate for no special occasion. For me: her being accommodating and welcoming of my needs and wants for sex on my schedule, not just when she is in the mood (although she is in the mood much more often these days), and being more physical (non-sexual) in her daily interactions with me – hugging, kissing, and touching.

It can seem forced and artificial at first, and initially we had a problem of keeping score, as it were, but as we saw how happy we were making each other, it became nearly second nature. Still, things with us are not perfect, but they are so much better than they have been. I encourage you to seek out the book, Five Love Languages, if you are interested, but definitely ask your wife what she wants and needs, with the expectation that she won’t ever mention sex (although she might).

Good luck!
 

apropos

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One other thing that I wanted to mention... do not get down on yourself for wanting sex. You are NOT a perv for wanting sex more often than once a week. You deserve to have your needs met by your spouse, but she deserves to have her needs met too, so find out what they are.

Cheers!
 

D_Barzillai Whackingsauce

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That makes perfect sense. I know my wife will not want sex if there are gaps in other areas. If she s stressed out for example lets say about things going on at work, or if there are issues at home or with friends. If I am failing or lacking in some way ie Huging her more or cudling more. So that is very sound advice

Thanks
 

joystick

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I've be married for 20+ years. My wife likes sex, just not as often as I do. And it is not as important too. Work and Kids do get in the way. We try to have a special date once a week, and if I'm lucky I might get sex. Even when we go for a long weekend with just the wife I still don't get the amount of sex I would like. We are just wired differently. Know the love languages and have her do it with you. It really help.

God Bless