I recently have been hearing that those clever science boffins have proved that sexuality is genetic, and hence predetermined at birth. They have also, apparently found that you can only be predominantly one way or another, there is no middle ground. This, from my point of view, blows the whole "it's unnatural!" arguement clear out of the water and is pretty compelling evidence to further except homosexuality as a perfectly valid thing. However, this is opening a whole tin of worms in my mind. Let me state something nice and clearly: I am not homophobic. I've known for a long time now that I have feelings for other guys, strong ones. LPSG is the only place that knows, and as far as everyone around me knows, I'm strait. But, I am having a hard time with coping with the realisation, that, I'm pretty predominantly homosexual. I know what turns me on in guys, I mainly think about guys, I mainly whatch gay porn, I mainly fantasise about sex with other men. I have very little idea about what kinds of girls turn me on and my porn folders on my computer tell a telling story. The gay one is atleast twice the size. I can pre-anticipate what you are thinking - no worries, just admit to yourself that you are gay, then think about coming out. I really wish it was that simple. The fact of the matter is, that I don't want to be homosexual. There I was, happily thinking I was 50/50, I could appreciate both sexes equally. But I'm fooling myself, fooling myself to make life easier. And it is, in a muted way, tearing up my heart. I live in a pretty closed minded area, most of my extended family is either terribly posh upper class English or terribly, brutally bigotted lower class Scottish. I can't come out to those sorts of people, and although I know my parents would be great about it, I'd never, ever hear the end of it from people like my uncle, whose favorate past-time is insulting "poofs" or "niggers" or "darkies" or whatever minority group he hates today. I'm sick of him ringing me up and asking me why I don't have a girlfriend, why I'm not looking, and i don't want to suddenly turn around and say "well, have you ever thought that maybe it's because i actually find men more attractive!?" It's not just that, it's that, I just can't ever see myself finding a nice man who is just like me, marrying him (legal here in Scotland) and living happily ever after. I allways assumed I'd meet a nice girl, marry them, knock out a few kids and forfill our social expectations and what have you. But I don't know if I can, I don't know if I can have a girlfriend, and get married.... Well, perhaps I could, but I feel like I'd allways be looking out the window at the hot guy on the street, and I can just see us watching a romantic movie and we're both looking at the same actor during the sex scene. And now, now I feel like there is no escape from this. I've been predestined since the moment the fated sperm met the egg in my mother, I have been fated to be gay. It feels terrible. I can see all the lies I told myself over the years, and all my feelings and passions layed out before me, and I can't hounestly tell myself I'm strait. Bisexuality feels like a lie, and homosexuality will just make life difficult. It feels like every choice is the wrong one. It feels like the only path I could walk totally hounestly may well be the hardest one, but I don't even know if it is or it isn't. Am I really gay? I mainly have feelings for guys, but I don't just ignore women... It also goes back to a turning point, when I was about 14 and I was jerking off daily. One day, I wondered what it would be ike to think about another guy while jerking, and if that prospect excited me. Before then I'd mainly thought about girls, and it hadn't occured to me. But since then I've just tought about guys more and more and more. So was I lieing to myself before? Or is my sexuality totaly dynamic? So many questions, and I can't find any answers in myself. But Now I have nothing left to say. I've drained my heart and the axieities I didn't no I had and subjected you to a rather long post. And now, i'll pack up my worried and my feelings and the big, looming dark indeterminate thing that is my sexuality, and I'll keep telling myself the lies, and deny everything, and life will be easier and continue as normal. I now truely know what Black Sabbath meant when they sung "killing yourself to live".