Does unrequited attraction in friendship work

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1241586

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There's no wrong or right way to deal with unrequited sexual or romantic attraction in a friendship and it's up to both individuals involved in how they deal with it.

Yet every time I hear someone say they have the best friendship with someone they were rejected by or hang out with friends they have a sexual attraction to, something doesn't sit right. You can never kill desire, you can only suppress it.

Even when people say the desire fades out, there are many stories where unrequited attraction turns into requited attraction. So to me it's clear genuine desire never goes away and most people go into the 'friendzone' with anticipation of the possibility something could happen, even when they end up in a romantic relationship with someone else.

So is it morally honest to have a friendship with someone where there is unrequited attraction? Isn't the grounds of true friendship share intention and both people mutual benefit and are having their needs met?

Also are rejectors who shames a rejectee for not wanting a friendship with accusations of being immature and only wanting sex, being rational and compassionate? Or are they a bit of a narcissist who wants a friendship to be on their terms only and possibly enjoys the ego boost and power thrill of keeping unrequited admirers around.
 

bigmatt1983

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Would depend on the people i suppose. I have a friend at work that im close with that started off as a crush for lack of a better word but as i got to know her better i realized that yea shes someone i could date but shes also a friend i truly respect and care about and have gotten closer to her in the last few months than i did with people i've been romantically into such to the point that i wouldnt want to date her for risk of losing the friendship. I however also still find her very attractive and feel guilty sometimes for that.
 

LaFemme

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I’d say it depends as well. I had an unrequited attraction that turned into friendship. In fact I’d say I was in love with him. I knew it would never work and I never confessed my feelings. He is now married to someone else and I am no longer in love or attracted to him. We still share a real warmth for each other and a real friendship and I’m so grateful I never risked that friendship by admitting my feelings for him.

I did learn a lot about myself during that time. I learned that I was capable of feeling something again. I was sad that I knew it would never work, but I knew that love could be a possibility for me. I also knew that given time, I’d get over him. So I let time do it’s job. Wow, it was tough. Heart-breaking, really. But in the end it was for the best.
 

Sagittarius84

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Before I jad lesbian friends, Id have said no, there isn't a healthy way to maintain a genuine friendship when there is unrequited attraction. But since, yeah I think it's not really all that hard. It's really just about self control, and as long as the object of affection has made it clear that nothing will go further for whatever reason, then the rest is easy, no different from how one would be around people they find sexually attractive when they currently have a significant other..
Case in point, my wife and I have a bisexual lesbian couple as friends, which given the opportunity one or both of us would love to sleep with either. Doesn't negatively affect how we interact at all.
 

sodominsane

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I think there is always a bit of an unequal attraction between any two people....the degree and level of that disparity is gonna shape relationship

Tough to have a friendship in the extremist environment of.....one person thinks your the cat meow soulmate....(angela...you complete me)....and the other is repulsed by you!!!

The levels in between are negotiable depending flexibility maturity and sensitivity
 

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I have a whole lot of thoughts on this. Too many to retype. See my blog

If you were my lunch buddy I’d have to keep a manta going (“Stop looking at his torso. Stop looking at his torso. Fucking look at that sexy ass mother fucker’s torso. Stop looking at his torso.”)
 
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1241586

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I have friends that want to get with me, but I just tell them no and we go on. No big deal. Most are adult enough to handle it.

Yet is that 'no big deal' to you and it benefits you, whilst it's something that the others are 'sucking up' when they should be moving on.
 

bigmatt1983

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I did learn a lot about myself during that time. I learned that I was capable of feeling something again. I was sad that I knew it would never work, but I knew that love could be a possibility for me. I also knew that given time, I’d get over him. So I let time do it’s job. Wow, it was tough. Heart-breaking, really. But in the end it was for the best.
Yea thats more or less what im in the middle of with what I posted earlier. Shes the first time in years that i felt anything, even friendship. Hoping it works out for me like it did with you since i hope we stay friends a long time.
 

Serpentlike

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Yet is that 'no big deal' to you and it benefits you, whilst it's something that the others are 'sucking up' when they should be moving on.
They move on. We stay friends, but they find someone else.
 
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They move on. We stay friends, but they find someone else.

I'm just playing the devils advocate here. Is is a genuine friendship or just a good acquaintance? The term friend is used these days very loosely and most friends people have are just acquaintances.

I can understand if a person is an acquaintance with someone where there is unrequited attraction/love that's being respectful and socially polite, yet a true friendship would always be problematic in my view.
 

ChicagoPole

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There are likely as many sides to this subject as there are people on the planet. The topic is interesting as I think we've all experienced this in one form or another. I have.

I had a neighbor to whom I was introduced and because of our proximity (he lived across the alley) we bumped into one another quite often. After a year or so we were, at one point, talking every day, and spending time together at least once a week. Dinner. Drinks. Movies. Excursions around town. It really felt as if we were 'dating'.

At one point I asked, stating that it seemed as if we were already doing this and perhaps we should consider it. He said 'no'. I asked him why and he wouldn't answer the question. Things continued the same for awhile longer and I asked again. The answer was the same. I asked him why and he wouldn't answer the question. Truly I was by this point simply curious as to his reasoning.

His refusal to answer the question put a damper on our friendship for a year or two. Then he moved away. However, we've rebuilt our friendship such that we talk (read: text) a few times a week. He flew into town when I needed help with a medical situation (it was completely unnecessary - but he insisted), and last fall we vacationed together for a couple of days.

Certainly we've both matured in various ways over the years and we have the utmost respect for one another. This is one of these situations that has worked out well for both of us. I've had some that haven't.
 

hvdude

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I can honestly say that I am not attracted to any of my friends sexually. I enjoy their company and the time we spend together. There have been times, especially at work, where I would become friendly with someone who I was attracted to, but because it was work I never acted on it - too many complications. Personally, I don't know how I would feel if one of my friends told me they were attracted to me and how it would affect our friendship.

Can you be friends with someone you slept with afterwards? My experience is no, but others may have different thoughts.
 

meningreentights

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It depends on why you feel attracted to them. Do you have some unmet emotional desire?
I've had multiple friendships with women who were attracted to me but I told them from day one that I'd only be their friend. Most of them became good friends. A few couldn't handle it, and we went our separate ways. No anger on my part, and no put down.
 

LaFemme

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Yea thats more or less what im in the middle of with what I posted earlier. Shes the first time in years that i felt anything, even friendship. Hoping it works out for me like it did with you since i hope we stay friends a long time.
I certainly feel for you. It was so hard for me. We clicked instantly and spent a great deal of time together. But I really encouraged him to date women his own age, listened to him, tried to be busy when he called to go out at night (even though it made me cry), I was the best friend I could be but put some distance between us so he had room for someone else. And I never hinted at my feelings.

I spent a lot of time crying, but it passes. I’m truly happy for him. He’s married, has a child and really happy. And I feel nothing but real warmth for him. And I learned I could feel more than just nothing for someone. That was the upside.

It’ll pass. Just stay strong. Enjoy the fact you can feel. This person might not be for you, but it means the possibility that someone else can be.
 
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deleted924715

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I would have to say it depends on the people involved, the circumstances and the intentions going into the friendship.

In the past I have had men insinuate themselves into my life as friends as an "in" and I genuinely liked them, enjoyed their company and returned their friendship. But I wasn't attracted to them, for whatever reason and never to my knowledge gave the impression that I was, nor did I think they were attracted to me in a romantic sense.

I learned at a young age to be very careful about giving "signals". I can't flirt to save my life now. I saw a meme the other day that made me smile because it completely describes me "If you think I'm flirting with you, I'm just being friendly. If you think I'm weird and I make you uncomfortable, I'm probably flirting with you". Unfortunately some people use faux friendship as a dating tactic.

If someone (completely out of the blue to the recipient) suddenly declares that they want to change the relationship to a romantic one, holding the friendship hostage ("if we can't be more, I can't be your friend") I don't think it's narcissistic for the recipient to want to keep to the friendship they *thought* they had, the friend that the other person presented themselves as (and received friendship in return).

Really, what else can you reasonably do, if you have genuine affection for the other person but do not want a romantic relationship and do not want to hurt them, other than to offer continued friendship?

I have experienced this bait and switch more than once and the friendship has never survived long term. Either due to residual anger (theirs not mine) or just general awkwardness. When I thought about it later, I was kind of hurt that when told sex was out of the question, the friendship seemed to lose value. Was it all fake? I don't know.

It usually seems to be a double-whammy as well in my experience. A relationship ends and then they pounce. So not only have you lost a romantic partner from your life, at a time when you are low, you also lose what you thought was a good friend.

I think the situations where the friendship was genuinely a friendship on both sides, possibly for many years, before one person developed romantic feelings often fly under the radar, because there is a real wariness about losing a friendship that is truly valued.

There are probably hundreds of different permutations
 
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