Does your dad care about you?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by B_HungSpermBoy, May 16, 2005.

  1. B_HungSpermBoy

    B_HungSpermBoy New Member

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    This is something I've wanted to bring up on this website a bunch of times in the past but didn't have the guts to do it. I want to do it now.

    My dad is a good guy I guess. He's a professional guy & didn't spend much time with us kids when we were growing up. He doesn't communicate very well & when he does it's a fucking disaster. My mom is always telling me how proud my dad is of me. But he's never said anything about it to me. In fact he never says anything to me. I'm in college now & go home some weekends. My dad never talks to me. It's like I'm not in the room. Outside of saying hi to me & goobye, that's about it.

    I know most kids want their dad's approval. I'm thinking to myself that my dad doesn't care about me very much. I don't really know why. If it's something I've done or he just is uncomfortable talking with me. My girlfriend met him once & thought he was a "zombie",that's her word. The way he behaves makes me think that he doesn't love me. It's hard as hell for me to say that.

    How do you girls & guys feel about your dads & how do they feel about you? Am I just too sensitive or something?
     
  2. prepstudinsc

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    I've heard this from a lot of my friends--that their fathers were very distant or just never expressed themselves. Growing up without a father it's hard to say--my father died when I was only about 9 months old, so I think that even a minimal relationship would be better than none.

    Men are just trained that we're not supposed to express ourselves and this is one of the sad outcomes. It's not right, but it's how society teaches us that we're SUPPOSED to act and behave. I think more and more men are realizing that it's not the case and that's why there's been movements like Promise Keepers (gag!) springing up. However, the premise of men focusing on the responsibility of their family and communicating is important. It's just the old school of men being "strong" and not showing emotion vs. the "new man" who is in touch with his emotions and can express himself. Obviously, the healthy way is the second one--both for the father and for the family.
     
  3. kurios

    kurios Member

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    I think you summed it up when you said he doesnt communicate well.
    Some parents just cant connect and/or they were raised with certain behaviour patterns which gives the impression they dont care.
    If he is proud of you he cares.
    Some fathers are in awe of what they have produced as odd as that may sound and are very awkward when it comes to any interaction. Do you know your father's father? Is their way of communicating similar.
    My father thought the world of me but we sure didnt have a lot of chats. His way of showing it was making sure I had whatever I needed. Our communication was mostly through my mother but I did over hear him telling a relative about all the great things I was doing in a level of detail that I hadnt realised he even knew.
    My grandfather seemed very stern and a hand shake was all I ever got from him but in his way he cared.
    It all comes down to the comfort level.
     
  4. Altairion

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    HSB, my dad was fairly distant at times when I was younger. He was actually a trucker when I was in elementary school, so he would be gone for what seemed like weeks at a time. All I had around was my mom, so that probably put a gap between us for a while. We've never really been all that emotional, but I know I can depend on him for stuff. Once I got partially through middle school we got along better, and around high school he was more like a dad than someone that was just a parent.

    My best advice is try to talk to him about stuff. See how his job is, what your mom might want for her birthday, if he would want to do somethin for Father's Day, etc.
     
  5. KidBrown

    KidBrown New Member

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    I'd try and communicate with your father, and express your feeling to him. At least they'll be out there, and you can move on from there.

    Trust me, verbalizing what you feel can do wonders for relationships with your parents. I grew up in a foster home, even though my parents were still alive. My father put me there until I was seven years old because my mother turned into a heroin addict and left, and he wasn't making enough money to support a child. I always held feelings of deep resentment towards my father until I was sixteen or so, and I just blurted out one day that I needed to talk to him. Six hours later and we had talked about so many things that I had never brought up. I woke up the next day feeling that I had a new friend and my relationship with my father has never been better.

    So please believe me when I say that your life will change in a positive way if you decide to talk to your father man to man. I was once very sensitive when it came to expressing my feelings, but once you learn to do so, you'll experience a new you !!
     
  6. B_hungrick

    B_hungrick New Member

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    Hey Jeff, I want to commend you for your honesty about your relationship with your dad. You already know what I feel about you. If I had a son like you, I'd not only be proud, I'd be letting you know 24/7 what you mean to me. But it's not in your dad's comfort zone to be able to do this. He's obviously not capable of communicating. Maybe he's not really aware of his feelings about anything. I know this is difficult for you to understand b/c you are very different than him. Many guys don't have the ability to recognize their own emotions. Or maybe they don't feel comfortable expressing those feelings. So this can cause a lot of suffering for their families. I don't know what your dad's feelings are for you, but I want you to try to realize that it's not about you. So you're a sensitive guy. I think that's cool. I know enough about you to realize that you have many good friends around you & a lovely girl who cares about you very much. You are an intelligent, goodlooking, compassionate young guy. You deserve to be acknowledged and respected for who you are, exactly the way you are. Call me or IM me any time to talk. Ok?

    Love,
    R.
    :hug:
     
  7. ashlar

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    Hmmm ... my father was an alcoholic and beat up my mother in front of me. My earliest memories of him involve a gun aimed at my mothers head and me slapping his ass telling him he was being a bad daddy.

    They divorced, I can count on one hand the number of times I saw him after that.

    Last time I spoke with him was about 5 years ago on the phone. He told me I could come to visit but I had to cut my hair first. I had hair down to my ass at the time. Then he preceeded to tell me that when he died the only thing i was going to get was his harley. *blinks* I was like .. yeah ... I just called to say hello and I love you, however your still an asshole. *click*

    I havent spoken to him again since.
     
  8. oldbodybuilder2004

    oldbodybuilder2004 New Member

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    hey guys:
    All I cn sasy is I am very sorry yu have not had a good relationship with your father. My father died at 88 in 1995. and my mother in 2002 at 92. I can honestly say even though I have been in calif most of my adult life and they lived in KansasI had a very good relationship with my father. I still miss him after almost 10 years.
     
  9. Lex

    Lex
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    My dad is just now learning to be expressive about his feelings. It was hard growing up because you never truly could tell how he felt--he simpl,y never said a lot, never hugged a lot, etc. He's better at it now ( abit) and I hope I am a more expressive father to my own kids because of it. I think it's pretty difficult for aparent NOT to love their children. Hang in there.
     
  10. madame_zora

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    HSB, I think a lot of us had absent or distant fathers, it's something our society hasn't dealt with adequately yet. My natural father left when I was two and my stepfather and I never really got along. He wasn't horrible, he just wasn't nice either. I never talk to him anymore, there's just no reason to subject myself to his negativity.

    If there's any chance of you salvaging anything of your relationship with your dad, I would try. If you can engage him in a conversation about anything at all, it's a place to start. Many of us discover that making your own "family" of friends works wonders- you don't get to pick your natural family, but you do choose who you surround yourself with as an adult. I wish you the best either way and I admire your honesty in bringing up the topic.
     
  11. naughty

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    Hi,

    I have to say that I was blessed with a wonderful father. He was a stunningly handsome man who was just as beautiful on the inside as he was on the outside. Now let me qualify that statement. My dad was also of the strong and silent ilk. He was not a hugger, nor a gusher but he was "the wind beneath my wings" so to speak. He spent much more time with my brother than myself and I did covet that, but he was there if I needed him. I know the sacrifices he made for us. He stopped his PhD program because he knew that he would have been away from us too much of the time. He ended his time as a member of our "city council" for the same reason. He was a scout master, a sunday school teacher, a mentor.

    When he got sick with lung cancer, I worked at home so I could take him to his therapy. When he died, his students young and old filled the church to over flowing. In the years since that time, I can not count the times where people have come to me and told me that they used to wish that my dad was their own. Others have mentioned how he influenced their lives. He is probably the reason I have faith that their are good men out here in spite of many of the knuckleheads I have encountered. My uncle gave me a gift on the day of my father's funeral and I was able to give him one in return. This man, whose children probably would describe him in the same manner many of you have described your fathers, stood crying and told me he didnt have anyone to talk with anymore because he had lost his buddy. I hugged him and told him that we knew that they loved us. I told I him that none of you talk that much but you are there, and that means a lot. They probably resemble the silent fathers that many of you experienced but they were the glue that kept things running. They come from a long line of strong quiet men . My Grandfather too was a man of few words and my greatgrandfather was a man of no words. I was lucky enough to get to know them all. I hope I get their longevity genes.

    I too can remember times when I wished my dad would have hugged me or spent the kind of time with me that I craved ,but I can now see that he was needed elsewhere so much more. My brother tells me that on the day he died I wailed for 20 minutes nonstop like the women you often hear in the middle east , inconsolably. He said that I cried for him as well. Even though I am not married and dont have children, I hope that I can make that kind of difference in someone else's life in the way that he affected mine.

    Naughty
     
  12. Knight

    Knight New Member

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    My dad hardly knows me, I've said hi to him a few times. He only recently, maybe a year or two ago, acknowledged I was his lol. He's a ladies man, with other children with his long term girlfriend. Hardly ever see him and if we ever had to enter into a conversation that consisted of more than 'hi' or an awkward wave I wouldnt have much to say, it would just be uncomfortable. Oh yeah and he used to send me gifts very rarely, the last one was 'Shadow Of Memories', a game. I don't know if he sent it just to mess with me, hate that title :p

    Anyway I guess its a non existent relationship I have with my father, not shitty. Wonder if that's better though lol.
     
  13. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Like a lot of you - I don't have a really close relationship w/my dad...My mom and dad divorced when I was too young to remember living w/him...My earliest memory is my mom packing up and leaving while my dad was at work...My mom said he use to hit her but I don't remember it and my dad has really never shown violence towards me...My brother and I had to spend every weekend w/him since after the divorce they lived in the same city...He was never an affectionate dad (hell I can't remember him ever telling me he loved me)...I think that is why I have problems ever telling any girlfriend I had that I love them...My brother definitely always was his favorite because my dad is an alcoholic and a mans man...My brother got the atheletic abilities and is a clone in looks of my dad and I got the brain and the looks which I look like my mom and I think my dad kind of resents that...I maybe talk to him 4 times a year on the phone (birthdays, Father's day and Christmas) and he is always drunk and never remembers the conversation the next day...I have accepted it and am fine with it...If I ever had a kid - I would definitely show affection because I don't think parents realize what kind of emotional scar they can have on their kids that are not shown any type of affection or acknowledging them accomplishments...So HSB - you are not alone here...
     
  14. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    My dad was a mean drunk. By the time he died on my 11th birthday he'd terrorized Mom and me (the three youngest kids escaped his wrath) and we'd both suffered broken noses, chipped teeth and multiple stitches over the years. It was a relief to finally hear that he'd wrapped his car around a tree and died.

    It was my Grandpa (Mom's dad) who took over from there and I'll be forever grateful for his open, loving example of how a man raises children and teaches them correct principles. I found I could go to him with any problem or question and I'd go away enriched and wiser for it.
     
  15. dikkiedik

    dikkiedik Member

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    I am a father of two kids, one of them is a 19 year old boy. I have always tried to be there for him. Primaryschool was just around the corner of my work, so I have brought him to his class as well as brought him home afterwards. Even now, when is a big boy like me my son comes to me first on his way home if something happend he wants to tell me.
    I don´t think I am a good father, but I try to do my best.
    My own father died a few years ago at the age of 82. All my life I wanted his approval - yes even in my fifties - but he wasn´t able to give that. Why? I don´t know. My mother died when I was 14 and my dad remarried. After my stepmother died after 16 years my dad remarried again. His house was always our home, his wives made it easy for us to keep in contact with him. But he never told me or my brother and sisters how proud he was what we had reached in our lives.
    If something happened with made me emotional, my father put his hand on my head and I knew he gave me a sign he understood, of would support me or give me comfort. I missed him saying he loved me or that he was proud of me, but I know he was like that, and that made me happy.
    As a father myself I have learned to express myself more than my father did, but it isn´t easy to do that. You have always to find something in the middle: being a loving and caring father and a father who gives his son enough space to live his own life.
     
  16. Simon9

    Simon9 Active Member

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    My dad died 5 years ago this past weekend. We never talked a great deal but I always knew, as did my brother, that he loved his family and would do anything for us. And it seemed natural to us that he was the nice guy he was. Reading about the sad/terrible fathers so many of you others here have had, I realize just how lucky I was to have had him in my life. It helps to keep things in perspective.

    Like a lot of men of his generation, he kept a great deal of his feelings to himself (although we always got a giggle out of the way his eyes would ALWAYS tear up during the sad scene of nearly any movie). He was just a very decent loving father and I hope to always be that for my kids.

    For you guys whose dad "just keeps it to himself" you can try to open him up and get him to express his feelings in the modern fashion....but good luck as people rarely change. Just understand by his actions how he feels about you rather than his words.
     
  17. B_black10inches

    B_black10inches New Member

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    This thread really got me. My daddy left our family when I was a little baby. My mama always said he was no good. I can remember when I was little & playing in the streets & I saw him, I'd run up to him & say hi. He'd always hold my hand or pick me up & hug me. He let me know that I was his son even if he didn't live with us. But as time went by I didn't see him any more. He left New York. My mama told me that when I was about 2 or 3 I would cry for my daddy. So I feel like my dad was a good guy but circumstances kept us apart. I love him & miss him a lot even now, & thought that I'd like to try to find him wherever he is.
     
  18. B_UNKNOWN321

    B_UNKNOWN321 New Member

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    I was so touched by your pouring out your soul in this post that I sat speechless, wanting to tell you something comforting and yet knowing right now I could not do it appropriately. But please remember something that I posted elsewhere about comparisons of men and women. In a huge survey to determine how friends affect your life length and quality groups were divided by men and women and by those who had no close friends or associates and those that did and further by whether the close associate was male or female. The results were absolutely starting and relate directly to you.
    If a woman has a good relationship with sister, mother, daughter or female friend, her life is significantly lengthened compared to the "alone" woman.
    Same for a man with some sort of close female association.
    But if either a man or woman has only a father, brother, son, best male friend, life for neither is improved one speck compared to their counterparts with no close associates whatsoever.

    Most men are not worth a pile of week-old shit in nurturing any male or female friend, son, mother.... This is a dreadful indictment of what society expects of men and what they expect of themselves.

    The only time my father ever overtly expressed any feelings to me was when I ran away from home in 7th grade and hid in a neighbor's dog house till about 5 a.m. and when he out in the yard spotted me slinking across the yard, he grabbed me and kissed me 100 times and that was the last and only time. He had it in him but it took thinking I was dead somewhere to bring it out. Don't try a stunt to get your father to show the affection, he is probably aching to tell you but his psyche will not permit it under anything other than most desperate situation. I feel for you and unless he is deliberately abusive, don't turn away from him, just pledge that you will never suffer as he surely has for being so cold and make others suffer also.
     
  19. txquis

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    Most Dads that i know are like this.
    Mine was the way you describe, hungspermboy.

    In fact, i think that if your dad is a pretty good guy (which mine is too)
    it is even more frustrating to have the distance and lack of emotion.
    If your dad isnt even in your life, you dont expect it, but when he is part of
    your day in/day out and you are ignored...damn, that is rough, isnt it?

    I think your dad does care, but just isnt open enough to express it.

    I found out in my adulthood, that my dad has been somewhat jealous of me.
    I did a lot of things with my life that he didnt do, or was too scared to do.
    This put some anymosity there, which i think is sad, but probably very natural.

    I also know that some people show their love as best they can.
    The fact that mine was there for me financially, and every once in awhile
    emotionally, was certainly a good thing.
     
  20. EFH33

    EFH33 Member

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    My relationship with my father was once a sore point with me, but I really got to know my dad better a few years ago, and now it's a much better relationship. When he worked, he was never home, because he had 8 children to feed and provide for he worked really long hours. I was his only son, so I always felt like I missed out on having my dad, because all of my friends had theirs around a lot more than I had mine. I resented him for it for a long time, but then a few years ago I was unemployed and living home. Since my dad was retired we got to spend a lot of time together, and I really got to know him. I told him growing up I felt cheated out of having him around, and he said if there was one thing he wished he could do differently it would've been being home more for all of us. Don't get me wrong. He tried really hard to make a lot of my events, and he was at almost every soccer game, swim meet, and football game I ever took part of. It was just during the week he was always working, and then on the weekends he was tired and wanted to relax. As an adult I understand now WHY he had to work so much, but as a kid and a teen you don't really see that side of it.

    There is a song by Mike and The Mechanics called "The Living Years", and it's a really strong song about father and son relationships. There's a line in the last verse that says "I wasn't there that morning... when my father passed away. I didn't get to tell him... all the things I had to say..." The chorus of that song also says "It's too late when we die to admit we don't see eye-to-eye..." HSB, I think it's important you tell your dad how you feel. If he doesn't want to listen then sit him down and MAKE him listen. It's obvious to me this subject bothers you, or you wouldn't have posted it here. I think the relationship between a father and a son is probably the most important relationship men have. You are not wrong for feeling the way you feel, nor are you too sensitive. Maybe your father feels the same way too, and is just as confused as you are in how to approach it. Either way I think if you talk about it then you'll know where you both stand, and you won't need to wonder anymore.

    I hope this helps, and good luck!
     
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