Does your dad care about you?

[D_Martin van Burden]

I thought I would put this view out there. Hopefully, it'll do you some good.

A lot of the members thus far have reported to you about their own relationships with their fathers, some of which are pretty similar to yours. It's good to know that people can sympathize with you. But I'll tell you one thing, HSB. I don't think you brought this topic up just to get some feedback or affirmation from us; sounds like it has been eating at you for a little while.

I'm totally with EFH on this one. Don't let this opportunity pass unnoticed. Before you know it, years will have passed, and you and your father might be too far apart to negotiate the emotional gap. So while it's still fresh, while it's still real and on your mind -- tell him. Tell him not because it's something bothering you, but because it's something that might one day save your relationship -- telling your dad that you need him now more than ever.

For all the folks out there who don't have fathers around, period, I want you to tell your dad how you feel. Don't put any undue expectations on him. He won't turn lovey-dovey on a count of you saying something; it doesn't sound like its in his character. Then again, he, like other fathers, might figure that they're around financially providing for the family, so he's not in the wrong.

 

[steve319]

Originally posted by DeeBlackthorne@May 17 2005, 08:04 PM
Don't let this opportunity pass unnoticed. Before you know it, years will have passed, and you and your father might be too far apart to negotiate the emotional gap. So while it's still fresh, while it's still real and on your mind -- tell him.[right

I'll second that one! Don't wait and then regret it later.

You can't expect a miraculous transformation of his ability to demonstrate emotion, but you can maybe change the landscape of things through your efforts and maybe set both of your minds at ease about that barrier. I can't imagine that, in the long run, you'll regret having made the effort.

(Dee, your posts are always well worth the wait.)

 

[Max]

This thread seems to have released more pain than any other.

My father was a good one; very hard working, and in no way distant; but he was undemonstrative in the way that all Englishmen of his generation were trained to be. The war, and the loss of his two brothers in quick succession when he was still in his teens had a lot to do with it. I wouldn't say that our relationship was very close; but nevertheless his influence (nature and nurture) and example has proved to be more powerful than any other for me.

Those of us who are fathers can of course take this matter into our own hands. I in no way feel bound by the old stereotypes. From time to time I tell my sons (usually when I drop one off at the airport, or when I take the other one back to univ.) [a] that I love them, and that they couldn't possibly make me any prouder of them that I am now, which is nothing less than the truth. They and their sister (who is still at home) know that I feel like this about them, so it puts any other conversations and disagreements we may have into the right context.

 

[hungcuriousnc]

Thanks for the post Jeff... I know what you mean. Every time my dad opens his mouth, it's a disaster too. We argue all the time b/c he just spurts out some the most stupid shit you can imagine. Then he doesn't understand why I get so pissed off. My relationship has never been the best. Finally, when I was 22, I told him I had to talk to him or it was going to ruin my life. It got a bit better afterward. But it's still not good enough and even has slid backward some. I moved to another state when I was 18 and barely spoke to him for five years. I've reminded him that I can do that again if things don't get any better.

Back in 97, I had a car that wasn't very good. It had broken down and wasn't running at all. I asked him for some money to help fix it (since I was on my minimum wage, Wal-mart salary at the time and couldn't even afford new tires). He chewed me up one side and down the other. I swore after that day, that I'd never, ever ask him for anything if I couldn't get it on my own.

So in general, we've had an unstable father-son relationship for years. We barely talk on the phone. Honestly, I wish things were better, but then again, I like my space. I live 350 miles away from him and my evil sister. My mother passed away in 2003... she was my life line. At times, it really feels alone, like I don't have a family any more. But I do, just not as good as me and mom were.

It can be challenging dealing with parents. I think there is a generation out there that was raised in a manner that makes them difficult. Even though, they are giving their all and trying their best. So taking it personal? I'd definitely take it personal if my father ignored me when I was home.

 

[Simon9]

I'm beginning to believe, based on what I read here and what I observe among so many others around me, that dysfunctional family relationships are the norm.

I'm glad that, in this, I was "abnormal". When my dad suddenly passed away five years ago, and my Mom 1 1/2 years ago, I realized there was nothing unsaid, no unfinished business. We all left on good terms with each other. Ultimately I think it made losing them more bearable.

I do hope there is a reality/life after death here (quite another topic I realize) so that I can be wtih them again.

But OTOH, an eternity hanging out with my parents....well....that's something else altogether.

 

[naughty]

Hi,

I have noticed in a multigenerational womens group that I am a part of that there are generational differences in the way women communicate as well. It was like pulling hen's teeth to get the older women to open up.I think that generation was raised that you just get on with the business of living and dont make a big deal about it. As I said my father and his brothers were always rather stiff as well but I had an epiphany that this was them and had nothing to do with really how they felt about me. I have found that as they have gotten older ( my dad is now deceased) they are better able to open up to us and their feelings. We cant grieve over the affection we feel we missed out on but try to come to s good balance between discipline and loving relationship that kids need today.

naughty

 

[txquis]

I will counter what Dee said with this:

I told my Dad how I felt about our 'prickly' relationship,
and my Dad was actually resentful about it, even angry.

He couldnt handle anything that "real"....

Of course, that's just my Dad. You may have more luck...
but I realized that bringing it all up to the surface made ME feel better,
indeed.
If that's what you are after, go for it.
But....it only helped me, not my dad, unfortunately

 

[txquis]

what is this pesky double post?
that never happened to me before...
sorry folks

 

[SpiceboyMJ]

Wow, some of these posts are heart breaking. My parents divorced when I was 5 and my maternal grandmother practically raised me. My dad is a great guy. He is a good looking and very smart man, he taught American History for a million years. When I was little I thought my dad was Superman because he looked so much like Christopher Reeves. I talk to him at least once a week and he has never had any problem showing or telling me that he loved me. My dad was always fine in showing emotions and tears and giving us hugs and kisses. I think because he was so secure in himself that it has helped mold me into who I am.

 

[db03]

There seem to be a lot of men on the forum that have bad relationships with their dads.

I dont know if this means something or not....

Personally, i have a good relationship with both my parents. My dad was away a lot when i was younger but i always understood even from a young age that "dad needs to work to help us".

He always helps me out when i need it, be it financially or otherwise. I guess I can count myself lucky more than anything else.

A big hug for everyone in the thread! :grouphug:

 

[RICKY_27]

My dad died when I was five years old. What memories I have of him are positive. Growing up without a dad is really tough. I remember how other kids at school would brag about what their dads did for them and with them and how wished that I had those kind of memories. My mom was an important part of my life. Then she died the first year I was in college. I only had one other sister who was killed in a auto accident four years ago. So, I guess I am supposed to alone.

RICKY_27

 

[bigtwin]

I read through these posts and was simply floored by the sense of sadness in many of them; almost unrequited love. I am fortunate to say that that I have one of the greatest Dads in the world. I hope you don't take that as boastful or meanspirited in some way but as proof that good father-son relationships do exist. My Dad was(is) always there for me and my brother. He was involved with us as children and all through our formative years. I can't say enough good things about him. For me, as a father, he's a role model. For those of you who had lousy experiences with your Dads, please remember to do it differently if you have kids of your own.

 

[SomeGuyOverThere]

Originally posted by HungSpermBoy@May 17 2005, 01:25 AM
This is something I've wanted to bring up on this website a bunch of times in the past but didn't have the guts to do it. I want to do it now.

My dad is a good guy I guess. He's a professional guy & didn't spend much time with us kids when we were growing up. He doesn't communicate very well & when he does it's a fucking disaster. My mom is always telling me how proud my dad is of me. But he's never said anything about it to me. In fact he never says anything to me. I'm in college now & go home some weekends. My dad never talks to me. It's like I'm not in the room. Outside of saying hi to me & goobye, that's about it.

I know most kids want their dad's approval. I'm thinking to myself that my dad doesn't care about me very much. I don't really know why. If it's something I've done or he just is uncomfortable talking with me. My girlfriend met him once & thought he was a "zombie",that's her word. The way he behaves makes me think that he doesn't love me. It's hard as hell for me to say that.

How do you girls & guys feel about your dads & how do they feel about you? Am I just too sensitive or something?

[post=311870]Quoted post[/post]​

This post could have been mine a few years back...

But it sounds like your father is like mine: he is poor with relationships and is very private.

I know my dad can communicate, because he speaks at conferences etc. but he is a very private man and says little to me, and for a while I took it personally, but I think it's just how he is with people. Also, I think that he knows, deep down, that myself and him arent very similar people, and he doesnt want to communicate incase he offends me or something, and can't find an equal ground for us to communicate on.


It's a shame really... but it's better to have a quite relationship of mutual respect with your father than a hating one, and it sounds to me like your father quietly respects you, and perhaps does want to reach out, but he cant find equal terms to speak to you on. You could try taking up a sport he likes, or finding an interest you both share and really pushing it, and try to make it something you can bond with him through.

 

[KinkGuy]

I have resisted adding to this thread, because I have had such a different history and relationship with my father. As lots of people here are aware, and are probably tired of hearing, my Dad was my best friend, my mentor and my friend. He was open, honest, firm when needed and I always felt "totally on my side." From sex discussions to catching my brother and I fooling around together to shaving to 1,000% supporting my coming out in my mid-twenties, he never wavered. He died 10 years ago and I still have fleeting moments of "I need to talk to Dad" about this, that or the other. I miss him daily and only hope I could be half the man he was. I am only posting this because, well I guess I want others to know there ARE some good guys out there doing their damndest to be good fathers and role models.

 

[Freddie53]

Originally posted by KinkGuy@May 19 2005, 05:59 PM
I have resisted adding to this thread, because I have had such a different history and relationship with my father. As lots of people here are aware, and are probably tired of hearing, my Dad was my best friend, my mentor and my friend. He was open, honest, firm when needed and I always felt "totally on my side." From sex discussions to catching my brother and I fooling around together to shaving to 1,000% supporting my coming out in my mid-twenties, he never wavered. He died 10 years ago and I still have fleeting moments of "I need to talk to Dad" about this, that or the other. I miss him daily and only hope I could be half the man he was. I am only posting this because, well I guess I want others to know there ARE some good guys out there doing their damndest to be good fathers and role models.

[post=312867]Quoted post[/post]​

i hope and pray that when my sons are your age they will say the same things about me. I have been a dad (Male role model) to so many young men. One or two have actually called me dad. I find we guys sometimes seem to apprecite other male role models more than our own dads.

I am glad that your dad was such a wonderful dad.

 

[13788]

orionsword57: Everyone's story is different. I had a wonderful relationship with my father until I chose to marry my wife, and then it was if he didn't know I had ever existed. We never were able to patch things up. Subsequently, I never was fortunate to have had children myself, having always hoped to at least capture some of the magic with a child of my own. I've been good friends with a few young men and women, but it wasn't the same for me. Perhaps it never could have been. I've had wonderful things happen to me in my life, and have probably been happier on balance than most, even with this turn of events and with the premature death of my wife. Count your blessings instead of your curses! We all have some of each.

 

[SpeedoGuy]

My dad died when I was ten. It was such a tragedy because I never really got to know him.

SG

 

[B_HungSpermBoy]

Thanx for all the posts. Makes me feel better about stuff.

 

[B_Jeremy]

Good to know you're feeling better HSB

 

[RICKY_27]

Originally posted by HungSpermBoy@May 21 2005, 08:48 PM
Thanx for all the posts. Makes me feel better about stuff.

[post=313481]Quoted post[/post]​

HEY JEFF!

Glad things are looking better for you. Think POSITIVE, you gotta SUPER GF and you have many good qualities that other appreciate. It's too bad your dad is too blind to see what others admire in you.

((((((((((LOTSA HUGS FROM RICKY_27)))))))))))))