Doesn't like cock

Mumzi

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If a woman has a decreased sex drive and is within the age of menopause, then there is a real possibility it is menopause.
But read then end of my post, my sex drive has been low and very high.
Ive had many of the classic symptoms. The problem is that they are unwanted symptoms and difficult for her as well as her partner.



People need to stop blaming menopause for a woman's decreased libido.

My wife had her last period well over a year ago and her libido has shot through the roof. Not only do we have sex every day and sometimes twice a day, but I have allowed (actually, encouraged) her to become a "hotwife" and take on other lovers. She has a regular who she sees every 3 or 4 weeks and is working on another guy who she expects to bed within the month.

Really. Stop.blaming.menopause.
 

dolfette

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regards doctors & hormones:

they've, after trying dozens of brands and types, to offer be a hormonal birth control that doesn't make me hate sex. and they've been working on those for a hell of a lot longer than hrt.

they often don't fix the problem, they always carry the risk of causing quite serious or even fatal health problems.

the assumption that taking these things is easy, obvious and obligatory irks me a little.

regards the problem:

i've no idea. sometimes there is no solution. sometimes there is no action you can take that is fair on you both. sometimes the only way forward is for one of you to suffer.

i do know that any feeling of pressure is almost guaranteed to prevent her libido blossoming.
i can guess that she'll feel like shit, like she's not a proper woman, that she's a disappointment.

...sucks to be you :sad:
 

dolfette

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People need to stop blaming menopause for a woman's decreased libido.
and people need to stop blaming pregnancy for morning sickness, because a friend of mine didn't vomit once but another friend vomited because of food poisoning.

...or is that flawed logic?
 

duderino

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and people need to stop blaming pregnancy for morning sickness, because a friend of mine didn't vomit once but another friend vomited because of food poisoning.

...or is that flawed logic?

Well, darn, if it is, then what about that guy's grandaddy who smoked two packs a day and lived till 110 and that other guy - you know - survived that awful car wreck because he wasn't wearing a seatbelt and was thrown clear before the whole thing could explode?

Sorry - total hijack here - I have no idea of what you rebut, but I applaud your sound reasoning. Ah, the logical fallacy of the anecdote. Or ad hoc propter hoc, which I believe means "I speak Latin and you don't."
 

Mumzi

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I'm referring to long term couples. People who have been together for 15-30 years. Been through the good and the bad. Love each other.
Yes, talk about it. We don't know whats going on in a couples life, but the poster does. I don't know many other ways to tackle a problem between two people.
Maybe there are reasons for her lack of interest. You don't through out a 20 -30 year relationship based solely on lack of sex drive. I'm sure it happens, but its hard for me to imagine.


Hey, I see no reason why ' he' shouldn't have a lover. But, same answer for her. If hubby can't get it up, she takes a lover. Post-haste!




If these are the facts of your relationship and her behaviour, then a lot of the opinions being offered are interesting, but not relevant to you and your wife. If I am reading you correctly, your wife has lacked passion and sex drive for some time and now wants an asexual relationship.

This is not unnatural but what gets to me when I read these things (and the issue arises a lot on this board) is that these decisions are so often made unilaterally. Then we have people saying, oh talk to her. Suddenly it's your responsibility. How about her responsibility to consider what her decision might mean for her partner. For me, it reads like, I have made my decision and there is nothing to discuss. Well, what about me, the poor husband, what if I define part of myself through my sexuality, where are you leaving me, does that even cross your mind?

Will you ask her if she now minds if you have discreet sex outside your marriage?
 

Mumzi

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Pierced et al. A lot of men don't want to talk. They don't want the stress of a discussion that could be thisclose to an argument. Sometimes they find it easier to hope she'll forget about whatever is going on and things will go back to normal.

The problem is that she probably didn't forget it. She may just stew about whatever the problem is and for her, things aren't resolved.
I even seen this in my young male nephews. They want peace. They want her happy and even if they have to convince themselves that all is well,that's better than having her mad at him. So, if they talk about a problem, then "she 'll remember the...problem", if she remembers, she'll be mad, so, better to ignore it all and hope she forgets!
I listened to this boy explain why he didn't want to being up some subject to his girl friend and all in all, he just cant face dealing with her or her emotions. ( teen girls can do a lot of crying, as i have seen)

Those men who are able to communicate more with their partner probably enjoy a closer relationship in the long run. Especially in long term relationships. Probably don't see her as such a mystery after all.
 

wseattle

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Yes, because cheating will certainly make her want him more! :rolleyes:

Anyway...

Women are very emotionally-driven creatures. In my personal experience, when I didn't want to have sex with my boyfriend, it was usually because I was angry at him for something. Built-up resentment, general unhappiness in the relationship, distrust, etc. So that's my guess.
She already doesnt want him. Whats the difference?
 

Drifterwood

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I'm referring to long term couples. People who have been together for 15-30 years. Been through the good and the bad. Love each other.
Yes, talk about it. We don't know whats going on in a couples life, but the poster does. I don't know many other ways to tackle a problem between two people.

I agree. Why didn't she go to him then and say that she is going through changes, experiencing different feelings etc and ask him to bear with her and support her?

She didn't though, she just said that she didn't want anything to do with him sexually, period. Apart from the fact that that is quite a tough thing for someone who has given someone else their best years, it is also IMO the first breach of the marriage monogamy contract. It puts the marriage in social monogamy territory and I don't see why the injured party (man or woman) should not be free of censure in finding expression for their sexuality elsewhere, now that it doesn't form any part of the original marriage.

The tough thing now is whether they discuss this. I know some couples who have (with various outcomes) and some who have preferred not to.
 

dolfette

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I agree. Why didn't she go to him then and say that she is going through changes, experiencing different feelings etc and ask him to bear with her and support her?.
hormones are tough. you don't always realise you've changed. from the inside it feels like it's the rest of the world is moving in an unfair and inexplicable way. hormones around your brain change your perceptions as well as your reactions.
 

Drifterwood

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hormones are tough. you don't always realise you've changed. from the inside it feels like it's the rest of the world is moving in an unfair and inexplicable way. hormones around your brain change your perceptions as well as your reactions.

Do you think that the lady in this case doesn't realise that she has changed, or rather moved even further away from sexual desire for her husband? Are you saying that some women at some points in their lives have no control over their rational consciousness?
 

dolfette

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Do you think that the lady in this case doesn't realise that she has changed, or rather moved even further away from sexual desire for her husband? Are you saying that some women at some points in their lives have no control over their rational consciousness?
i'm saying that her perceptions of sex and sexuality may be that her position is more reasonable than his. she may not be able to remember the feeling of desire because that part of her brain has switched off.
 

dolfette

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do you remember being a teenager? from your POV so many things you did were reasonable and so many things your parents and teachers did were horribly unfair.

but now you're out of that hormonal hell, acne free and all grown up, do you see a different picture of events?
 

dolfette

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So, discussing it would be complex. What advice would you give this guy?
i already posted my thoughts earlier in the thread.
regards the problem:

i've no idea. sometimes there is no solution. sometimes there is no action you can take that is fair on you both. sometimes the only way forward is for one of you to suffer.
 

Drifterwood

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Yes, those comments caught my eye. I'm not sure why one person should suffer. If sex doesn't exist in her brain, why would she care if he went elsewhere to enjoy his needs. The downside is that he may decide to leave. Does anyone want him to suffer for something that is irrelevant to her?
 

dolfette

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Yes, those comments caught my eye. I'm not sure why one person should suffer. If sex doesn't exist in her brain, why would she care if he went elsewhere to enjoy his needs. The downside is that he may decide to leave. Does anyone want him to suffer for something that is irrelevant to her?
that's a very simplistic take on suffering.
needing to go elsewhere because she is not enough, feelings of betrayal, humiliation, etc. it might not seem logical to you but it could still cause great suffering to her.
 

Drifterwood

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that's a very simplistic take on suffering.
needing to go elsewhere because she is not enough, feelings of betrayal, humiliation, etc. it might not seem logical to you but it could still cause great suffering to her.

It is not that she is not enough, she isn't anything sexually and that is her articulated position and apparent desire. She didn't seem to factor him into that decision, nor to consider what this may make him suffer. It may come as a shock to some, but men have feelings and emotions beyond getting their nuts off. Really.

Lots of people have happy non sexual socially monogamous relationships. Some discuss it, some choose not to. Different things work for different people.
 

dolfette

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you sound a little raw on this one.

like i said, her perceptions may be skewed and what he's going through doesn't seem fair. but that doesn't mean she won't perhaps think it unfair if he goes elsewhere. whether or not that feeling seems rational to us does not change the suffering she may or may not go through if he looks elsewhere.

i'll say it again. sometimes there's no solution that's suffering free. sometimes there's no solution at all.