Dom/Sub kink advice

R788

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Looking for a bit of advice after recently having sex with my straight best mate



It just sort of happened, however I need a bit of advice what to do for the best because he struggles quite a bit with low self esteem and self worth, was physically badly abused as a child and feels worthless as an adult. He’s been selling naked pics of himself lately to random guys for not a lot of money, it started when he showed me the photos and i said I was pretty impressed..the size of him was quite something and I said he should charge more if he is going to sell them, basically value himself more.



For some reason I thought it would maybe help him see it in a different way if I offered him money to take his clothes off for me, expecting that once I’d brought what he was doing into the real world it’d make him realise he’s selling himself short and he’s better than that. Fully expecting him to say no to the offer I asked him what it was worth to strip off, and he did. Took all his clothes off infront of me, it snowballed from there and he got laid on the sofa and told me to “do whatever you want to me” over and over, I was really surprised we were suddenly in this situation and just kept asking if it was what he wanted..he said as long as it stayed between us then it’s what he wanted..then spread his legs and began to beg me to put it in his arse. It was pretty clear he wanted to be submissive so I tried out a little dominant verbal/physical stuff. Slapped him in the face a bit, made him tell me he’s a pussy, he definitely seemed to enjoy being dominated..could barely stop the smile on his face. I grabbed his hair and told him to open his mouth and face fucked him for a bit, making him look at me while I was using his throat, then pulled my cock out of his mouth and rubbed and slapped it round his face, telling him to tell me that’s what he wants, then told him to kiss it..all of which he did.



I stuck my fingers in his arse and started just teasing him, grabbing him by the hair and looking right in his face while I did, verbally abusing him telling him his hole belonged to me now and he’s too pathetic to do anything about it, he told me he’d do anything he was told and that he belongs to me. I pulled my fingers out and put them in his mouth and told him to taste his pussy, told him I bet it tastes like a useless little bitch because that’s all he is.



I told him to get up and I sat and watched him standing naked infront of me, told him tell me he was weak, worthless and wanted to be used because that’s all he’s good for, then ordered him to get bent over the arm of the sofa so I could fuck him. I got him pinned down behind his neck and started to fuck him, but it didn’t really seem to be doing it for me and I couldn’t seem to fully ‘rise to the occasion’



It suddenly got in my head whether it was really the right way I should be treating someone who has a low opinion of themselves and struggles with feeling depressed. I do care a lot about him as a mate and wouldn’t want to ever add to those negative feelings and I just suddenly felt a bit unsure whether it was just a case of fulfilling a kink, just giving someone what they need to really get off or whether I’d be making a problem worse in the longrun



Has anyone experienced this from his point of view and can offer advice on whether being treated in that kind of way during sex just releases that need and scratches that itch for you and it doesn’t have a negative affect on you afterwards or in general or if it’s something that sticks with you and makes you feel worse?



I would ask him how he feels about it however I really don’t think he knows the answer to that himself, it’s the first time he’s ever done anything like that with another guy and it’s bound to take some time to work that all out but I’d just prefer to have some idea on the other side of things what’s the best way to approach the situation if we happen to end up doing anything together in the meantime



It hasn’t changed anything at all about our friendship or how we are with one another which is definitely a good thing, but we haven’t discussed it or anything since
 

thebussyinvader

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Looking for a bit of advice after recently having sex with my straight best mate



It just sort of happened, however I need a bit of advice what to do for the best because he struggles quite a bit with low self esteem and self worth, was physically badly abused as a child and feels worthless as an adult. He’s been selling naked pics of himself lately to random guys for not a lot of money, it started when he showed me the photos and i said I was pretty impressed..the size of him was quite something and I said he should charge more if he is going to sell them, basically value himself more.



For some reason I thought it would maybe help him see it in a different way if I offered him money to take his clothes off for me, expecting that once I’d brought what he was doing into the real world it’d make him realise he’s selling himself short and he’s better than that. Fully expecting him to say no to the offer I asked him what it was worth to strip off, and he did. Took all his clothes off infront of me, it snowballed from there and he got laid on the sofa and told me to “do whatever you want to me” over and over, I was really surprised we were suddenly in this situation and just kept asking if it was what he wanted..he said as long as it stayed between us then it’s what he wanted..then spread his legs and began to beg me to put it in his arse. It was pretty clear he wanted to be submissive so I tried out a little dominant verbal/physical stuff. Slapped him in the face a bit, made him tell me he’s a pussy, he definitely seemed to enjoy being dominated..could barely stop the smile on his face. I grabbed his hair and told him to open his mouth and face fucked him for a bit, making him look at me while I was using his throat, then pulled my cock out of his mouth and rubbed and slapped it round his face, telling him to tell me that’s what he wants, then told him to kiss it..all of which he did.



I stuck my fingers in his arse and started just teasing him, grabbing him by the hair and looking right in his face while I did, verbally abusing him telling him his hole belonged to me now and he’s too pathetic to do anything about it, he told me he’d do anything he was told and that he belongs to me. I pulled my fingers out and put them in his mouth and told him to taste his pussy, told him I bet it tastes like a useless little bitch because that’s all he is.



I told him to get up and I sat and watched him standing naked infront of me, told him tell me he was weak, worthless and wanted to be used because that’s all he’s good for, then ordered him to get bent over the arm of the sofa so I could fuck him. I got him pinned down behind his neck and started to fuck him, but it didn’t really seem to be doing it for me and I couldn’t seem to fully ‘rise to the occasion’



It suddenly got in my head whether it was really the right way I should be treating someone who has a low opinion of themselves and struggles with feeling depressed. I do care a lot about him as a mate and wouldn’t want to ever add to those negative feelings and I just suddenly felt a bit unsure whether it was just a case of fulfilling a kink, just giving someone what they need to really get off or whether I’d be making a problem worse in the longrun



Has anyone experienced this from his point of view and can offer advice on whether being treated in that kind of way during sex just releases that need and scratches that itch for you and it doesn’t have a negative affect on you afterwards or in general or if it’s something that sticks with you and makes you feel worse?



I would ask him how he feels about it however I really don’t think he knows the answer to that himself, it’s the first time he’s ever done anything like that with another guy and it’s bound to take some time to work that all out but I’d just prefer to have some idea on the other side of things what’s the best way to approach the situation if we happen to end up doing anything together in the meantime



It hasn’t changed anything at all about our friendship or how we are with one another which is definitely a good thing, but we haven’t discussed it or anything since
I've had affairs with straight guys before, but they all blocked me and they pretend that we never knew each other, since they're terrified of being outed.
But I'm glad you and your friend have kept in touch - I only wish to have a friendship like that.
No judgment is the perfect dynamic.
 
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030699

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Its highly likely he got something meaningful out of the encounter. You don't just play along with something like that and not have issues with it, have things to resolve later on, or issues with you personally unless he realises there was a hole within himself that you psychologically was able to attempt filling with your actions there.

Not every submissive to a gay dom is gay. Maybe he was just curious and wanted to do exploration, and is now at a better place having experienced what he did.

Regardless of how much importance or psychological impact he places on the encounter, I think its a very low probability that you did any kind of harm. I wouldn't worry about that.
 
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R788

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Its highly likely he got something meaningful out of the encounter. You don't just play along with something like that and not have issues with it, have things to resolve later on, or issues with you personally unless he realises there was a hole within himself that you psychologically was able to attempt filling with your actions there.

Not every submissive to a gay dom is gay. Maybe he was just curious and wanted to do exploration, and is now at a better place having experienced what he did.

Regardless of how much importance or psychological impact he places on the encounter, I think its a very low probability that you did any kind of harm. I wouldn't worry about that.
Thanks honestly I’m hoping that’s the case. It’s been a month now since it happened, I’ve ‘tested the waters’ just mentioning certain things and saying the odd flirty sort of thing on Snapchat just seeing if he gave any sort of response that would indicate what his thoughts were, often it’s just been flat out avoided which is standard response when he finds anything complicated or confusing..often it’s been acknowledged but not continued further which shows he does know it is a thing and it did happen, which is positive since the other standard response is often just flat out attempting to convince himself anything that bothers or confuses him never even happened or he doesn’t remember when clearly that’s just not the case.

I know the only one of us who’s ever going to do anything about the elephant in the room is me and just mentioned this morning that we probably do need to talk about the fact we shagged, said I don’t really know what to make of it all myself until I get some idea what his thoughts on it all are.

Personally I can’t even figure out if I’m physically attracted to him, he’s not ugly or unattractive I just dont think it was that which was what I got from the whole experience, there’s no feelings of love or intimacy there either..both of us have definite issues around closeness and opening up and showing love..it’s rare I ever even feel any sort of love towards anyone at all. Strangely that total lack of it being a thing either of us are able to handle actually helps us be a lot closer to each other than either of us are ever able to be with anyone else

I know I got a lot from the dominant side of things it really gave me a bit of a confidence boost and a sense I am capable of taking control of a situation which has been something I’ve really struggled to feel capable of doing lately and it just gave me some of that back.. I just need to know it at the very least didn’t harm his opinion of himself or his self worth overall, at best maybe it helped him get that need out of his system for a little bit which is so much more positive than that urge getting so strong he ends up seeking out actually mentally and physically abusive relationships I’ve seen him really suffer through.

I don’t mind at all if it was just a one off thing and doesn’t need to turn into a regular thing or any sort of friends with benefits situation, it doesn’t have to be any big deal but it was a significant thing that happened and it’d be odd for us to continue on just ignoring an elephant in the room

Hoping we both figure it out a bit more after talking about it I guess
 
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030699

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Remember, he may just not want to talk about it. Perhaps your development in this direction may end up being seperate from his, mentally.
 
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ASK JEFF

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Interestingly enough, I think a lot of men who engage in this genre of sexual activity feel the same way. I think the main issue here is discussion and trust, really.

It sounds like you're navigating a complex situation with your friend. It's important to remember that everyone's experiences and reactions can vary when it comes to intimate and personal matters like this. What you've described seems to have started as a consensual interaction, but it's also understandable that you're concerned about the potential emotional impact on him.

Since you're close friends, it's important to maintain a safe space where he can share his feelings without fear of judgment or repercussions. Ultimately, everyone's emotional response to such experiences can differ, so giving him the space to process his feelings and offering support will be key in understanding how he's coping and whether he might need additional help or guidance. Also, his history of low self-esteem and past traumas, it's crucial to approach this situation with sensitivity and open communication. It might be a good idea to have an honest and open conversation with your friend when the time feels right. Let him know that you care about his well-being and want to make sure he's comfortable and okay with what happened.

In the future, if you find yourselves engaging in any similar interactions, remember to prioritize open communication, consent, and respect for each other's emotional well-being. It's great that your friendship remains intact, and discussing this openly could help ensure that your relationship remains strong while addressing any concerns that might arise.

kissed on your pink parts ❤️
JEFF
 

R788

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Update..so far as I’m able to tell he seems to need a little time figuring out his sexuality etc

We spoke last night, he tried to act confused and make out he doesn’t remember it, which makes no sense as he’d brought up something only the day before about that night that happened around 2 mins before he was stood taking his clothes off in the living room, I said look that’s obviously nonsense and I don’t need you to have it all figured out or anything yet, its fine I get it, but it’s just been bugging me since whether I did the right thing, obviously did enjoy it a lot at the time all I wanna know is whether it’s upset you or anything like that since cos I’d hate to think I’d done that..didn’t exactly get a straight answer so not much wiser, however doesn’t seem to have changed anything still, sure he’ll come out with something at some point and we’ll get to talking about it, but a gentle reminder or just briefly mentioning it from me every few weeks or so in the meantime I think may help..nothing straight out just drop into conversation and move on simply to check he’s not stuck in his thought process and decided to bury his head in sand and ignore it.

We’ve always managed to be quite close to each other, despite both struggling a lot with physical closeness and intimacy but over the past few weeks there’s been a couple of occasions where we’ve got a lot physically closer to one another, ended up laid in bed at his house together one afternoon just chatting and I laid next to him on my side and as we were talking he let me put my hand up his top and touch his stomach and wasn’t bothered by it, and moved his arm so he could have it round back of my pillow..and while he’s been at mine we’ve sat on sofa together talking and hes put his hand on my leg for a while, just little things such as that I’m guessing must probably be a good sign he’s not been traumatised in any way by the whole thing

He did that day keep mentioning he had this girl coming to his that night to stay, repeatedly..not sure if I was supposed to be jealous or just making some attempt to confirm he was still straight, couldn’t have cared much less if he did or not..been several different girls he’s slept with just lately, he’s been unable to get an erection with any of them, whether that’s simply due to it not being what he wants right now, them expecting it to turn into some kind of relationship, the fact that the majority of them were not at all very attractive or because he’s having trouble with sexuality in general im not sure

Wouldn’t mind a few ideas actually if/when he does figure things out a bit more and maybe wants to try things out again..would be quite into the dog collar/lead situation, maybe girl clothes or something along those lines if he’d be okay with it..and think it could work out quite well for us both if I blindfolded and tied him to the bed..and instead of being quite as aggressive or dominant just taking complete control over him, fulfilling the submissive side of things and just really exploring his whole body while he’s tied down with my hands and mouth, may just do something positive to help him realise he is physically actually quite attractive and worthy of someone who can’t keep their hands off him?

Any other suggestions would be great (although can we not take things to a bodily fluids/medical/medieval torture device kinda level with it..think i prefer the more verbal/control/manhandling sort of vibe)
 

030699

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I think its way too early to start thinking on those terms of just taking control. So far you've had one instance that may have lead to an semi-ok situational outcome. You need way more information about his thoughts and motivations before you can legitimately control a submissive if they are in an awakening, just-experienced it first time kind of state.

The fact is, he may not even be submissive - he may enjoy the power dynamic and once he's done more exploration realise he's a dom too - thats why the exploration is important.

But the fact that you've broached the topic here is a great starting point for really understanding how this is going to go. Now that he hasn't balked and run away scared - just been a little evasive (probably to protect a masculinity self image) you can work up to having a bigger, more in depth dialogue to understand where he's at. Its still just as likely at this point that he doesn't really even understand where he's at yet. Some submissives require experience to even know what they like, and have to move past a conflict between how they were raised/values they had and their own inner core sexuality.

People are fucked up messes, and not always in ways that they know about or matter given this situation. Once you know more about what he's looking for / sexually interested in / capable of, then I feel its more appropriate to start thinking about what you could do with him moving forward. You don't want to be responsible for mental grief further down the line.
 

R788

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I think its way too early to start thinking on those terms of just taking control. So far you've had one instance that may have lead to an semi-ok situational outcome. You need way more information about his thoughts and motivations before you can legitimately control a submissive if they are in an awakening, just-experienced it first time kind of state.

The fact is, he may not even be submissive - he may enjoy the power dynamic and once he's done more exploration realise he's a dom too - thats why the exploration is important.

But the fact that you've broached the topic here is a great starting point for really understanding how this is going to go. Now that he hasn't balked and run away scared - just been a little evasive (probably to protect a masculinity self image) you can work up to having a bigger, more in depth dialogue to understand where he's at. Its still just as likely at this point that he doesn't really even understand where he's at yet. Some submissives require experience to even know what they like, and have to move past a conflict between how they were raised/values they had and their own inner core sexuality.

People are fucked up messes, and not always in ways that they know about or matter given this situation. Once you know more about what he's looking for / sexually interested in / capable of, then I feel its more appropriate to start thinking about what you could do with him moving forward. You don't want to be responsible for mental grief further down the line.
You’re entirely correct, and I’ve zero intentions of pressuring him into anything he’s not ready for, including talking about it

He genuinely has no masculinity/self image to protect but it’s a possibility there’s some sort of expectation from family/how he’s been raised which I’ll discuss in time, all I know is his mum is at the moment pressuring him into getting into another relationship he does not want saying “you just need to get a girlfriend” as though it’d solve all his problems and he knows it won’t and it isn’t what he wants

He’s extremely screwed up in so many different ways and has had a lot of negative/abusive situations from birth throughout his life, particularly the adult relationships in adulthood where he’s provoked/seeked out very abusive toxic abusive relationships..which is difficult to overcome.

The psychology behind all that is frighteningly perfectly explained by attachment theory, and unfortunately it’s created fearful/disorganised avoidant attachment behaviours which are extremely rare, extremely complex and as far as I’m able to work out..not very likely to be able to “fix” but more something anyone with that will just have to be very aware of about themselves, try their best and good luck. Doesn’t seem to be a huge amount of info out there on what sounds like a practical solution to changing the behaviours and doesn’t seem to me that it’s likely finding many other people in life who can even develop a lasting or meaningful friendship with people who have that attachment style, let alone be able to have a meaningful loving stable relationship..they’re desperate to be loved yet when anyone does..they’ll push them away through fear of being hurt, terrified of being abandoned yet push until they get it.

I had no idea about any of this behaviour or anything to do with attachment theories until very recently, but somehow I managed to break through all his issues and never got the same behaviour he always without fail gave everyone else, we’ve actually always been able to show love/care for each other in a way that neither of us could with anyone else

I have approached the idea of him being more dominant in life in general, he very much could benefit from it however he just has no self respect or sense of self worth whatsoever, I’ve always seen his value and worth and respected him even though it would be extremely easy just to do whatever I wanted and treat him like a doormat..this situation is going to be no different..it’s a positive sign that none of it has changed since, never will do, it could be a positive if one day if this whole thing occurs again, it gives him a way of getting past the desire/urge to seek out abusive partners by providing an outlet for it which ‘scratches that itch’ in his head that makes him need it, without it having a negative impact on his entire life. I’d be happy to be able to do that so he can get through life and get what he really does want which is a “normal” stable not abusive and actually loving relationship with someone. If that demon in his mind can be fed in other ways removing his need to create or provoke toxic and abusive behaviours from a partner it’d be great to see someone be able to love/care for him, even more amazing to see him be able to show it back, it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest if that person isn’t me, I’m happy for it to be something entirely between me and him, it may work who knows..there’s a lot of extremely similar things about the way we both are personality wise particularly when it comes to relationships/friendships/dealing with others, there’s a few extreme differences though and somehow the two together just work in perfect harmony which is why we’ve always got along so well, been so close, helped each other in a million different ways. Hopefully this could turn out to be one more way…we’ll see, time..patience and understanding will tell I guess
 

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Remember No means No.
You do need to talk, try and find out what he got out of the experience, tell him what you felt about what you were doing, and say you value his friendship and you're happy, maybe, to be friends with benefits. Explain that guys can have sex that's just sex. They can enjoy it, the liberation but it does not always have to be about love, its friendship, understanding and trusting each other.
 
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R788

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Remember No means No.
You do need to talk, try and find out what he got out of the experience, tell him what you felt about what you were doing, and say you value his friendship and you're happy, maybe, to be friends with benefits. Explain that guys can have sex that's just sex. They can enjoy it, the liberation but it does not always have to be about love, its friendship, understanding and trusting each other.
You’re 100% correct, it’s important to me whenever we do talk openly about it when he’s ready to..that he does know he’s got the opportunity to stop/change anything he’s uncomfortable with or not enjoying..but I’m painfully aware that saying no to anything and simply being passive in any situation in life is how he operates, so personally I’m thinking some kind of “safe word” is what is going to be necessary before anything else may happen

Sex just being sex and nothing more has actually already been talked about, it’s what we’re both looking for but for different reasons.

I have absolutely no need or desire for any commitment, love, needs being met (other than the physical) from sexual interaction with anybody else..never have done and don’t need it from this, I’ve talked about why that’s one of the great things that works well for me with guys..and with girls it’s something different I’m going to get and not always what I’m looking for. He knows I go for both girls and guys and why I do. It’d be incredibly unlikely I’d ever “settle down” with a girl but absolutely zero chance I would with a guy, it’s just not what either person is after in that situation. I only go for straight boys, so it’s not the case either of us are after anything more than the casual bit of fun it needs to be

He has a desperate need to be loved, but finds that the moment he thinks someone loves him and wants him he’s petrified by it and will either run a mile or actively set about destroying it, so commitment or involvement isn’t what he’s looking for either anymore. He’s finally done with trying to get hurt and hurting anyone else in the process which is very positive.

In a way I’m able to give him some form of love, in the fact he knows I do care a lot about him as a person, and love him, but I’ll never be IN love with him..which is about the level he can handle

All I can say right now is we’ll see whenever he’s ready to open up a bit and have that conversation maybe we’ll make some sense of whether this can work for both of us or it’s best we don’t bother.. it’s bugging me big time going around with my own thoughts worrying maybe what’s already happened may have caused some damage but I can’t push him into settling my mind until he’s ready to open up about it
 

chrisrobin

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You’re 100% correct, it’s important to me whenever we do talk openly about it when he’s ready to..that he does know he’s got the opportunity to stop/change anything he’s uncomfortable with or not enjoying..but I’m painfully aware that saying no to anything and simply being passive in any situation in life is how he operates, so personally I’m thinking some kind of “safe word” is what is going to be necessary before anything else may happen

Sex just being sex and nothing more has actually already been talked about, it’s what we’re both looking for but for different reasons.

I have absolutely no need or desire for any commitment, love, needs being met (other than the physical) from sexual interaction with anybody else..never have done and don’t need it from this, I’ve talked about why that’s one of the great things that works well for me with guys..and with girls it’s something different I’m going to get and not always what I’m looking for. He knows I go for both girls and guys and why I do. It’d be incredibly unlikely I’d ever “settle down” with a girl but absolutely zero chance I would with a guy, it’s just not what either person is after in that situation. I only go for straight boys, so it’s not the case either of us are after anything more than the casual bit of fun it needs to be

He has a desperate need to be loved, but finds that the moment he thinks someone loves him and wants him he’s petrified by it and will either run a mile or actively set about destroying it, so commitment or involvement isn’t what he’s looking for either anymore. He’s finally done with trying to get hurt and hurting anyone else in the process which is very positive.

In a way I’m able to give him some form of love, in the fact he knows I do care a lot about him as a person, and love him, but I’ll never be IN love with him..which is about the level he can handle

All I can say right now is we’ll see whenever he’s ready to open up a bit and have that conversation maybe we’ll make some sense of whether this can work for both of us or it’s best we don’t bother.. it’s bugging me big time going around with my own thoughts worrying maybe what’s already happened may have caused some damage but I can’t push him into settling my mind until he’s ready to open up about it
Opening up the can of worms on the past is something he'll have to do!
Once its open you cant put stuff back - but its really liberating.
 

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Opening up the can of worms on the past is something he'll have to do!
Once its open you cant put stuff back - but its really liberating.
Been mentioning going to therapy a bit lately, hoping he does..definitely a lot of issues to work on and figure out. Sad knowing someone thinks so little of themselves when they’ve a whole lot to offer and soul destroying to watch it screw up any chance of living a fulfilling life