Domestic violence in gay couples?

[B_Noctem]

I'm currently working on an essay about various gay issues. I'm wondering if there's such a thing as domestic violence in gay households. I've heard some stories but I don't get why this sort of thing would exist among gay couples, given how difficult gay life already is.

Do you know someone who has lived through this or who is currently living this? Have you ever been a victim of domestic abuse from your boyfriend or lover? And if it ever happened, what would you do? Retaliate? Leave him? Call the cops?

 

[nudeyorker]

I do know someone who was a victim of domestic violence who died after what we discovered was years of abuse. I have never been a victim myself but based on my feelings and what I have seen as a bystander I would probably leave the person and press charges.
PS We did press charges against the person who killed our friend. He is in prison.

 

[Bbucko]

I'm currently working on an essay about various gay issues. I'm wondering if there's such a thing as domestic violence in gay households. I've heard some stories but I don't get why this sort of thing would exist among gay couples, given how difficult gay life already is.

Do you know someone who has lived through this or who is currently living this? Have you ever been a victim of domestic abuse from your boyfriend or lover? And if it ever happened, what would you do? Retaliate? Leave him? Call the cops?

Of course it exists: it's a genuine problem many couples encounter. Being gay doesn't exclude anyone from life's harsher truths.

I've been involved in two relationships that turned violent: my first one 32 years ago and my latest one, which ended in 2004 after almost ten years. In the first case, I was totally unprepared for domestic life, nor was he. I was 18, he was 26; we both had demons to one degree or another, though his were arguably worse as they were expressed through a brutal sexual impulse and drive completely disconnected to love or compassion. I was too dumb (and much too young) to not understand that I was being sexually assaulted every night. He was also a highly manipulative bully and more than a little sociopathic. The whole ordeal was over in about three months and I have not willingly bottomed since.

The other was intermittently violent due to his addiction to pain medications after having blown out his back and a resulting lumbar fusion which failed to really help him. In the end I needed to call the police, who were singularly unhelpful; at one point my ex threatened to kill me in front of them. When I mentioned that, everything else being equal, if I were a woman who'd been threatened he'd have been in cuffs immediately. The cops looked at me with a look of complete ridicule and pointed out the obvious fact that I wasn't a woman

I never allowed myself to be in his presence again without a police escort, and that was only to claim my clothing and the belongings I took, few though they were.

 

[D_Tim McGnaw]

I'm currently working on an essay about various gay issues. I'm wondering if there's such a thing as domestic violence in gay households. I've heard some stories but I don't get why this sort of thing would exist among gay couples, given how difficult gay life already is.

Do you know someone who has lived through this or who is currently living this? Have you ever been a victim of domestic abuse from your boyfriend or lover? And if it ever happened, what would you do? Retaliate? Leave him? Call the cops?

It's actually a pretty serious and widespread problem. You'll find government figures either non-existent or totally unreliable on the subject because it falls in to a category of types of social problem and crime which is vastly under reported, and currently poorly understood.

Just because a man is gay that doesn't suddenly make him different from his straight neighbour, he can be as angry, abusive and controlling as any other man. Sometimes this means two angry, abusive and controlling men end up in a relationship with one another, which can mean a whole mess of violence and abuse. Frequently though these kinds of men seek out submissive or damaged partners whom they feel capable of controlling and violently abusing.

Oh and don't think Lesbians are immune to this problem either. In fact it's surprisingly common for Lesbian relationships to be abusive and violently so too.

The reason these situations are unreported is because frequently the authorities, police etc, have no proper training for dealing with them and often do not take them seriously.

In the case of gay men it's important to remember there's an added level of shame associated with being a man whose supposed to be strong and able to defend himself but who's being violently abused by his partner.

If you take in to account that crimes of all kinds committed against gay people are hugely under reported because of a lack of police expertise or sensitivity or even interest in solving and dealing with crimes against gay people you can be certain that domestic violence in gay relationships is as severe and as common as domestic violence in heterosexual relationships if not more so.

 

[Pendlum]

I have seen some pretty volatile gay men. :tongue: As well as straight men. And bi. And I've seen gentle men of each of those as well. It takes all kinds. I think hil nailed it on the head though. I think the sentence "I don't get why this sort of thing would exist among gay couples, given how difficult gay life already is." is interesting. Do you think straight guys do this because they don't have any other problems? Domestic violence is usually a symptom of problems, usually mental or anger issues. Sometimes people just snap. Gay people aren't immune to this sort of thing.

 

[B_Noctem]

I don't think I could forgive or tolerate something like that. If I had who'd abuse me like that, I would end the relationship faster his mother expulsed him out of her vagina. Heck, I don't even tolerate a guy who cheats so abuse of any kind is a big no way dude. Really. I've ended a few strong relationships after finding my man had cheated so a guy who would abuse me? I'd be like: Dude, pack up your things and leave or I'll throw you the window.

Really sorry for those who endured such violence at the hands of a man who was supposed to take care of you and cherish you. Big hugs to all of you.

 

[Drifterwood]

You may find this organisation helpful. Broken Rainbow

 

[niceone0305]

I was in my 20's and my first relationship....was beaten by my so called lover/partner..needless to say I was out of there..
Had to go to the hospital for stitches and a broken nose.I didnt press charges........in the day courts would have laughed at the notion of two
men etc...........

 

[bigbulgelicker45]

My ex (who I had a relationship with twice) was very verbally abusive to me. In public he'd constantly put me down and seem to take his anger out on me because things weren't going his way. There was hardly a time when it seemed like we weren't fighting.

Our first time together was probably the worst (back in the early '90's). We'd go out and he'd start an argument for no reason, plus we were always at the bar (which caused me to drink more than I should have). If we were in a club he'd always send me off to get drinks while he "scoped out the guys" and really does it take almost a half an hour to pee? He would be busy trying to pick up guys or at least get their phone numbers (for the record we ONLY slept together since he was lousy in bed or I should say that because we would be drinking he'd pass out).

Twice he picked up guys right under my nose and then tried to deny it. One of the last times he actually brought the guy to my house to pick up his car and they were fooling around in the driveway. They did go out the next night and I caught them. He'd turn around and cry the croc tears and said he'd never do it again until he found "his true love" about six months later.

He said he wasn't feeling good and I went out, none of our "friends" talked to me and then I went home for a bit and went back up to discover him with someone else. The shitty thing was we were supposed to go to Vegas in a few weeks and while we did I found out that his "lover" had hoped the plane would crash and I'd be the only fatality.

When we had gotten back together in July of 2000, he said he was truly sorry for what he had put me through (only because he was now the abused both physically and mentally). I told him that if we were going to start up again I wasn't going to the bar everynight or deal with his shit. Everything was fine for awhile until I was slowly brought back into the bar and the same behavior started. This time it seemed worse and the name calling started again and one day when I wouldn't bow down to get a menu for him (which was like two feet away from him) he hit me with it in front of everyone. I left. I was also subjected to hearing about the one he had dumped me for on a daily basis and how wonderful he was.

What he didn't know was that I was seeing someone else (just for sex) every night. I mean he was back to telling me that I was worthless, etc. and I couldn't hang around with my friends from work this time around so after two years I ended it when he didn't show up one night (which I later found out he was on a date with his current boyfriend).

I also found out that people I had introduced him to at the straight bars we went to said I said this or that about them (when he did upon meeting them) so I was the villian there and he told untrue stories about me.

The cruelest thing I had heard him say about me through the grapevine was when I had Bell's Palsy in 2003. Our friend who was a bartender told him and he said "too bad he didn't die" and the last time I saw him was New Year's Eve that year and he came over to talk to me (because I was talking to someone else) and I ignored him and left.

Now I have a great new career in the movie industry and I'm happy not to be a part of his life. Unfortunately, the other guy I was seeing passed away in 2006 and I don't think I've gotten over that yet, but for a "supposed" straight guy he treated me much better.

 

[B_Noctem]

Niceone and bigbulge, that's just horrible. Really sorry you both went through so much. Some guys are real assholes, in the worst way possible. Big hugs to you both and bravo for overcoming those traumas.

 

[bigbulgelicker45]

I too was going to write a story on this subject a few years ago for newspapers but after talking to a few people it was like opening a box only to find another box and so on.

The one thing I was surprised to learn was none of the shelters would return my calls or consent to do interviews. I found that to be really strange.

And October is domestic violence month.

Thanks for your support!

 

[baldyboy8000]

A few years ago, I had a young man working for me. He was a very good employee. Once in a while he came to work with black eye, or big bruses. When I questioned him, it was always a reason that made sense. Well, it got worse to where he was missing work or being late. Long story short, he killed himself. That is what his parents told me. SO VERY SAD.

 

[nudeyorker]

I too was going to write a story on this subject a few years ago for newspapers but after talking to a few people it was like opening a box only to find another box and so on.

The one thing I was surprised to learn was none of the shelters would return my calls or consent to do interviews. I found that to be really strange.
Most shelters are very reluctant to grant interviews or give information to anyone but the police and courts because domestic violence victims have high needs for privacy, as they are already the target of an abuser, and often need to keep data from them.
And October is domestic violence month.
Two organizations that I have worked with that are both highly regarded are...
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline | Childhelp
Thanks for your support!

If you or anyone you know is suffering at the hands of an abusive relationship please pass on these links.
Me ke aloha

 

[killerb]

I have a friend who had a really psycho boyfriend...he was verbally abusive at first and the first time he became violent, he didn't actually hit my friend, but he would throw things at him...he should have left him at that point, but he stayed...a few months later the guy actually attacked my friend for no apparent reason while he was laying in bed...the good thing is, my friend was strong enough to get away pretty much unhurt & he did call the police & press charges...he also ended the relationship for good...

 

[Infernal]

My partner exploded at me one day in a violent rage and started smashing things in the kitchen. He blew up because I pointed out to him that we had issues in our communication. He never actually touched me, but it was fairly frightening to see. I told him not to speak to me until he was doing being crazy and I left the house for a few hours. Once he was calm again, I pointed out that rational people don't communicate by smashing things and screaming. I saw physical voilence between my mother and step father and I put up with it because at that point I had no choice. As an adult, I will not tolerate it and if I see any hint of that behavior again, I'm out the door. I blow up once in a while, but I just yell, get it out, and I'm done with it. I don't break things, throw things, and I certainly don't hit people.