Dominate personality, A 'how-to'

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by daren83, Aug 10, 2010.

  1. daren83

    daren83 New Member

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    For the submissive type,

    What are personality traits you look for in a Dom?

    What quality's from a Dom would be a turn off?

    Where is the line between asshole and Dom?

    Is it an uncompromising personality that will sway some while undoubtedly turn off others?

    In public, do you have a Dom radar?
     
  2. maxcok

    Gold Member

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    Dominate personality, A 'how-to'

    I am not a Sub, but if I were I think I would prefer a Dom who knew the difference between the verb 'dominate' and the adjective 'dominant'. I think I would also be more attracted to one who knew that the plural of quality is 'qualities' and not 'quality's'. Personally I find the butchering of simple grammar and what that suggests about a person to be a turnoff. Just my preference.
     
  3. daren83

    daren83 New Member

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    ok.
     
  4. D_Ebensneezer_Spooge

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    a dom who doesnt insult too much...talks dirty but compliments more
     
  5. Belly_Dancer

    Belly_Dancer Member

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    Okay, I'll bite. :rolleyes:

    What are personality traits you look for in a Dom?

    Attentiveness, self-assuredness, kindness and courtesy (he will have plenty of opportunities to be rude during play, but I want him to be basically a good, kind person), intelligence, genuine dominant sexual orientation (not just a play-actor), creativity...I'm sure I could think of more but those are some off the top of my head.

    What qualities from a Dom would be a turn off?

    Inattentiveness (inability or unwillingness to monitor the condition of the sub at all times during play), "god complex", hesitancy, indecisiveness, unwillingness to learn how to use new techniques and tools, disinterest, low sex drive, & monotonousness.

    Where is the line between asshole and Dom?

    Somewhere between the two buttcheeks.

    No, seriously. I think a good Dom is in it for the pleasure of both partners -- he is doing what he wants and taking what he needs, but he knows what gets the sub off and works to include some of those things in play. A good Dom should try to pay attention to the reactions of the sub, and have some method of verbal or non-verbal communication with the sub about how much is too much (humiliating talk, whipping, etc.)

    I have never experienced an asshole trying to be a Dom, but I would suppose such a person might deliver whatever kind of talk and action they deemed appropriate, believing it is the sub's job to simply take whatever they dish out; whether the sub is getting anything out of it or not would probably be irrelevant to such a person. They may be acting under the misconception that a real sub has no limits, or some other bullshit. I don't know.

    Is it an uncompromising personality that will sway some while undoubtedly turn off others?

    I don't think so. An attractive dominant, to me, is charismatic and good with people. He may be a good leader but he is not bossy or prone to get into conflicts. He does not need to be uncompromising to be a Dom; he just needs to clearly know what turns him on, what he wants, and how to get it while still making sure the sub is getting something out of the interaction.

    In public, do you have a Dom radar?

    I have to say probably not. I've only met a few men in real life who openly admitted to being sexual dominants, and I wouldn't say that they had any obvious characteristics that screamed "I am a Dom!" One I met at a bondage workshop was actually rather shy and a bit sheepish asking me if he could practice his knots on me (he didn't have a partner).

    When I meet regular men going about my life, I really do not speculate about whether they are dominant or not...I think you probably can't always tell just from the way they act in regular work or social situations.

    Other subs please feel free to disagree with me on any of the above! :biggrin1:
     
    #5 Belly_Dancer, Aug 10, 2010
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2010
  6. D_Fiona_Farvel

    D_Fiona_Farvel Account Disabled

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    Flexibility. If I give myself over o him on occasion, he has to reciprocate. Plus, anyone trying to make a job out of what should be playtime is not for me.

    Nothing worse than someone who lacks imagination and originality, so trying stale, tired moves on me would be met with ridicule.

    The moment s/he does ignores a partner's desires and/or boundaries they are no longer a dom and just some asshole who gets off on power trips.

    No. Imo, being in control is all about reassurance and proof of security, being in a safe place - physically, mentally, spiritually - to submit and seduction. An uncompromising personality means nothing if you are unable to provide a sense of a comfort zone, have a period where you engage in D/s play, and then allow for a 'regular' relationship and breathing room from D/s (save the most hardcore life-stylers, otherwise it will get old really fast).

    Yes, but I think this is because I am rarely submissive, so can usually tell when a man is too dom for my liking.
     
  7. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    We seem to have had a rash of BDSM threads lately. Interested people seem to be coming out of the woodwork.


    Strength (not necessarily physically), someone who genuinely cares for his sub, a high sex drive, someone who would push me a little beyond where I want to go, and as Belly Dancer said, someone who is genuinely dominant and not just acting a role. If you exclude the last one, these are basically the same things I would look for in a vanilla relationship.

    Just realised that I need to add a measure of intelligence to my list as well.


    Lack of caring and respect for his sub, lack of experience (yes, people can only get experience through experience, but I don't want to be the guinea pig), lack of true interest in the lifestyle (if we're living together and you only want to play once a month, you aren't into it enough for me).

    And for fuck's sake, if you want to be a Dom, learn the difference between dominant and dominate. Misuse of those words wipes someone right off my list.


    Same as it is in any relationship - when you don't respect and care for your partner.


    Not quite sure what you're asking here, but an uncompromising person does not make a good Dom as far as I'm concerned.


    As I have only had one partner who has been as into BDSM as me, I would have to say that apparently I don't.
     
  8. molotovmuffin

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    I love you more and more.:tongue:
     
  9. Bbucko

    Gold Member

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    B_D and _eK both offer excellent advice based on experience.

    Doms need to be imaginative, intuitive, communicative and playful (even when engaged in extreme play). The one thing I've seen in every successful Dom (myself included) is confidence without arrogance and an acceptance that it is the sub who sets the rules, boundaries and safe-words, not the other way around.

    Elsewhere, I tried to explain the difference between role-playing and genuinely playing within roles: one is scripted and stale, the other explores limits and tolerances in what I called "the real". Anyone familiar with BDSM/extreme play will recognize the difference immediately.
     
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