Don't Know Why I Didn't Cum

Prtam

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Not sure whether to put this in this forum or relationships, but here is the situation:

I met someone amazing. I mean, he says all the right things at the right times, has a fantastic body, knows how to use his dick, and makes me feel like a kazillion dollars. The problem is that I've only cum with him twice. The first time was the first time we had anal sex. The second time was a couple weeks ago, but it took an excruciatingly long time to get there. I don't understand it because he turns me on and often gets me so close--but no cigar.

I thought it might be the pressure to perform. For the most part, he seems fine with it, which is what makes him so fantastic. Last week, he asked if I was going to cum for him, and I said I didn't think I'd be able to. When I asked if it was okay he said--I've been with women. Don't worry. I'm over it. We then laughed and moved on. So the pressure to cum, to get an erection was gone.

Well, I want to keep this special man, so I tried Sildenafil. I tested it alone, and it made me hard. I jerked off, but it was a long time to get to orgasm. Regardless, I got hard, so the chances of reaching orgasm with him seemed better. Then today, we met for more hot sex. I popped a Sildenafil an hour before he arrived to my house. We started off hot, and I got hard for him. Sex was really hopping, and I was sure I'd cum for him. Lo and behold, I couldn't.

He asked me if I was okay with not cumming. Well, I am actually, and he reiterated that he is too, but there was a look of concern on his face. After he left, I sent him a message to explain to him that he was satisfying my needs regardless of cumming and that he gives me incredible pleasure, and orgasm is secondary to that. We made a deal to let go of the concern over my orgasm for a while and just enjoy each other's bodies. He's all for it. My thought is that it will relieve any performance pressure on my part thus making it easier for me to possibly reach orgasm.

This is my concern though. He's been fantastic and agreeable so far. However, I realize that no matter how wild a man drives his partner, it's likely that seeing his partner reach orgasm often is an essential part of sex for him. I'm afraid if I don't reach orgasm with him some time soon, he'll no longer be satisfied with me.

Men especially---have you ever run into this with a partner? Did your need to see your partner cum eventually drive you to look somewhere else? Even hypothetically, if you've never run into this, is your partner's inability to orgasm a deal breaker for you? I'm worried I'm going to lose something so good over something I can't seem to control.

Thank you in advance for any advice.
 

Scarletbegonia

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Reading, I cannot help but wonder who is really putting the pressure on for you to ejaculate.
If it’s you, don’t.
As one of the women who has orgasms that also “no cigar” randomly, taking perceived pressure off the table makes sexyfuntimes so much better.

I get the feeling you are just hooking up, not building any emotional relationship. If wrong, apologies as I do not mean to offend. But I might be a clumsy oaf. If these are hookups, what are you getting out of them? Is it enough? Or enough for now?

ETA:
I don’t expect that my guy will come every time. It’s ok to call it when the energy changes.
 

Prtam

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Reading, I cannot help but wonder who is really putting the pressure on for you to ejaculate.
If it’s you, don’t.
As one of the women who has orgasms that also “no cigar” randomly, taking perceived pressure off the table makes sexyfuntimes so much better.

I get the feeling you are just hooking up, not building any emotional relationship. If wrong, apologies as I do not mean to offend. But I might be a clumsy oaf. If these are hookups, what are you getting out of them? Is it enough? Or enough for now?

You are right in both respects. The pressure is increasingly coming from my own anxiety to satisfy. He has promised to just enjoy one another, so that really should be good enough.

Secondly, this isn't a hookup as much as it is an affair. We are both married: he to a woman, me to a man. It has been going for quite some time, but we have become more serious and are seeing each other more often. The situation is not necessarily the problem though--my husband and I are in an open relationship, so there is no stress there. The pleasure this man gives me is enough on my end, and we have built a warm relationship with one another where we can just relax in each other's arms and talk. He listens. Perhaps, it is too good, and perhaps, that is what is causing my anxiety. I don't know. I just know that today he brought it up with a look of serious concern, and it scares me even more. Ugh!
 

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Secondly, this isn't a hookup as much as it is an affair.

Do you think maybe this is the problem? My husband and I have an open relationship and sex with others it just sex. This sounds like it may be much more than that. Maybe you're pressuring yourself in ways you haven't considered.
 

BigAl9

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I do not always reach climax. I am fine with that. It is the pleasure gotten through the act which is satisfying. BTW do you know that Sildenafil can cause a delay in climaxing. Over the years I have had experience with all the major ED meds. Sildenafil has the greatest effect of delay in my experience. I have told my doctor that, but yet that is all he will prescribe now.
 

BlackIsKingSize

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Did you get a prescription for the sildenafil or get it online? I have been wanting to get some but not sure which non-prescription sites are reliable.

I’ve had the same situation. There’s one guy I hook up with that has anal orgasms when I top him but doesn’t cum and he doesn’t want to jerk or be sucked after because it’s too sensitive. Although I would like to make/see my partner cum more often it’s not something that bothers me if it doesn’t happen. As long as they’re satisfied that’s the most important thing. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on something.
 
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i have had this happen a few times, usually when i'm fucking somebody i feel there is a certain window of time, where you need to cum or it's not going to happen.. i've never felt weird about it really as along as my partner cums,
 
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Hairylegs

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You didn't give us your age, or any medications you may be taking. 9 times out of 10, it's your little brain doing dirty tricks on you, and it's transient. Funny thing with sex, if you even remotely think you are going to "fail", you will. If you are on meds, especially antidepressants, consider a 1 day holiday before getting together with the guy, tell the guy what you are going through, and then just sit back and enjoy yourselves. If you make a mess, good for you! And if you don't, laugh about not having to clean up afterwards. If that doesn't work, it's time to talk to a medical professional.
 

Prtam

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Thanks for the responses. This is totally a problem of putting too much pressure on myself. Been working on relaxation techniques that have helped bring my libido back. I wasn't aware how stressed I was until now. Got caught up in performance and worried more each time he asked--you going to cum for me? We've discussed the pressure that question puts on me. Otherwise, there have been other unrelated life events that have occupied my mind, and with concerns, I can end up too stuck in my head and not enough in my body. Getting reconnected.

Tried the sildenafil, and it helped me keep it up. Still had a problem with sensation, but that is coming back the more I work on relaxation. Funny what the mind can do. Been masturbating more--never thought I'd have to practice being horny.

BTW, both of our spouses are aware of our sexual affair, so it's not really a stressor.