Double Lives...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Not big, not small, Oct 4, 2006.

  1. Not big, not small

    Not big, not small New Member

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    To introduce myself, I'm 21, Bi, average-sized Latino guy in the San Bernardino area, So CAL. I was wondering how many people live 'double lifes', you know, people think you're straight, when you're either gay or bi. This is an issue for me cuz it's hard to experiment on the bi side cuz of fear of being tagged as gay. How do you guys cope with this? How do you hook-up with guys if you don't want people who know you to know this about you? I mean I've only had two gay encounters with the same guy, and one str8 with a girl. I definitely want to experiment on both sides, although I'm sure I wanna live a 'str8' life, you know get married and have kids. May be I want to live a little before I settle as mostly str8!
    Also, are 100% str8 guys willing to JO with another guy, without threatening their 'machoness'?
     
  2. Nitrofiend

    Nitrofiend New Member

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    I've just recently come to terms with my bisexual nature as well and acknowledge the same the ideas you have. However, there are moods when I can be VERY gay, and moods where I can be VERY straight. I don't like stagnation in anything, sexuality is no different. Most people think I'm straight, I don't care how I'm tagged as long as it isn't held against me for some stupid reason.
     
  3. kiahman

    kiahman Member

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    I used to have "gay" jo sessions with my straight friends when we were drunk. I often wanted more, but it never got that far and I ended up feeling kind of in the dumps. I am in my first gay relationship now, and after about 1 month, I did not care what people labeled me as. Especially since some of the guys said they knew it all the time. But a few of the girls I tagged said differently--lol. Just live out life and enjoy everyday of it. Remember, people are always gonna label you as one thing or another.
     
  4. ruffboy

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    ultimately you can only live YOUR life, not the life you think others think you think they think they're thinking....

    i agree w/previous post too in that sometimes i'm totally straight, sometimes bi, sometimes i feel totally gay. but i've never had any kind of gay experience, at all, no JO sessions even. those desires are still there, and, that's part of the reason i'm here.

    so maybe its more about triple lives. i guess the key for all of us like this, is to get resolution by getting over the concept of them being seperate lives, and that we have ONE life we're living, it just happens to have a bit more leeway sexually than most need/want/allow in themselves. we're all different.
     
  5. Not big, not small

    Not big, not small New Member

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    Thanks, I agree with everyone of you. It's funny, or interesting, how we have similar situations and we all experience periods of different attractions. Weird stuff. There's no question as to what kind of life I wanna have, but I definitely have urges that aren't easy to ignore and are even harder to take care of. As to coming out and not caring, I can't do that, it would kill me. I think I can get by just on internet stuff and keeping it under wraps.
     
  6. ruffboy

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    what ya need (and me too) is the wife that's down with it, then at least you can have the 'typical' thing you want, but still feed your other desires from time to time, without negative judgements getting in the way
     
  7. Nitrofiend

    Nitrofiend New Member

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    You only lead one life no matter what you do, it only seems like you lead more because others have different expectations of what you are and should be.
     
  8. goodguy2244

    goodguy2244 Member

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    this thread is extremely interesting to me, since I've lived the straight life for the past 20 years, but I am bi, or at least think I am. I don't know if I could get past all the taboos to ever have sex with a man, but I sure do enjoy looking! I think having a buddy to jo with would be great, but how on earth do you find somebody to do that??:biggrin1:
     
  9. D_Bob_Crotchitch

    D_Bob_Crotchitch New Member

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    I tried to have JO buds but they'd be through and putting it away while I was still going. Just didn't work out. Do you any of you guys find it takes a big one longer to get hard than an average one?
     
  10. lvsxy808

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    Granted, I'm not you, and I haven't lived your life. As a 100% gay man who's never had the slightest problem with that, maybe I'm just not capable of empathising with your problem.

    But I see quite a few fallacies in your paragraph which I would say you need to drop before you can make progress.

    it's hard to experiment on the bi side cuz of fear of being tagged as gay.
    And what's so wrong with being tagged as gay? If you are gay, own it. If you are bi, be that and never be ashamed of what you are. This is the 21st Century, not the 18th. Gay and/or bi is no longer the "shameful" thing it was.

    How do you hook-up with guys if you don't want people who know you to know this about you?
    Same thing - why wouldn't you want them to know? What's the big deal?

    I'm sure I wanna live a 'str8' life, you know get married and have kids.
    What makes you think you can't settle down with a guy if you so choose? Adopt kids or use a donor. Being gay doesn't mean having to screech down the high street in high heels and sequins every day you know - we can be quite normal people. We buy houses, settle down and have normal lives.

    Maybe I want to live a little before I settle as mostly str8!
    If you try to deny your own nature, it will inevitably come out anyway, just in a much more painful and dangerous way. So don't even bother trying.

    Just how I see it - others may (and clearly do) vary.
     
  11. Not big, not small

    Not big, not small New Member

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    Well, where do I start...

    it's hard to experiment on the bi side cuz of fear of being tagged as gay.
    There's nothing wrong with being gay. I just don't want to be 'tagged' that way because for the most part I'm str8, but I also have that gay side to me. I also don't want to confront my family & friends. For you it's easy because may be you're more radical or just don't care. For me, it's very important because I come from a traditional family and this just wouldn't be acceptable. Also, I do enjoy being str8, it's just that I'm too curious, or horny, sometimes to fight those urges.

    How do you hook-up with guys if you don't want people who know you to know this about you?
    It is a big deal like I just said.

    I'm sure I wanna live a 'str8' life, you know get married and have kids.
    I don't want to settle with a guy, I want a wife and kids of my own, and hers. I don't know why it sounds weird to you guys that I'm bi, mostly str8 and want to live, or appear, that way. I just wanna experiment a little.

    Maybe I want to live a little before I settle as mostly str8!
    I'm not denying my nature, at least and most importantly to myself, to other people I don't have to give explanations or be subjected to their questioning about being bi.

    I appreciate your insight and I see where you're coming from. I understand what you're telling me. It's just that this is my situation and this is how I want to live it. I wanted to hear other people's situations and see how they work things out. Again, thanks.
     
  12. davidjh7

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    You are Bi, from all your descriptions, and mostly straight. This is how you feel, and what your preferences naturally are. This is easy for me to understand, but maybe not others who are at more extreme ends of the scale. Unfortunately, it is often more difficult to find acceptance being bi, than it is being gay or straight. Straight people see you as gay, which you aren't. Gay people see you as in denial, which you also aren't. You are still young enough to get away with some things, like playing around. So, play---there will be plenty of guys who will want to hook up with you, given your age and what you have to offer. I see nothing in your posts that shows ANY desire for anything emotional with a guy, purely sexual. SO indulge it, if you want, and let it just be sex. But always be honest about yourself, to your partners. If you just need to "get it out of your system" before you proceed on to the life you desire, then go for it. Beware, though, that your true nature, will always be in the background waiting to hit you. You run the risk of letting your other side be denied for a long time, and you could be married, with kids, and have something trip inside, and you'll go out and mess around with guys on the side, trying to hide it until you get caught. And everybody gets caught eventually. Then you run the risk of destroying your life, your wife's life, and your kids life. I have seen this happen to more guys than I care to think about--they hit there 30-50 range, and something explodes, and they do something stupid. If you are truly Bi, and only you can say for sure, then your best bet is to find a truly Bi woman as well, who can understand, and who you can bond a strong relationship emotionally with, and agree to find ways to fullfill you "other" side in safe, agreeable ways. FIghting the jealousy aspect there will be an ongoing battle, but some make it work. Lex is an excellent example of someone who DOES make it work, but I know he and his partner(s) work damned hard at making it work, too. He would be the best person I can think of to ask, and advise you, based on his experience. Whatever your ultimate choices, good luck, and always be true to yourself, and honest with your partners!
     
  13. classyron

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    The problem is that even acknowledging such attractions or curiousities, for some, is a tremendous step. Many of us live lives different from each other, lives that would not be the same if certain facts came to light.

    Personally, the 1% Gay that I list about myself revolves around the unknown that everyone else has touched upon. I don't see myself ever wanting to have intercourse with a man, but I have fantasized about a JO session, or even prgressing to oral. I do not see a future in it, I just want to try it. Maybe, at that juncture, I will foresee it, but from where my life sits now I am keeping it a fairly guarded secret. I have found myself curious to the point of syrfing the net. That is how I got here. A friend of mine told me that he was attracted or curious about cocks, and he tried the transsexual route (i.e. he had sex with one). In essence, it is still a guy, but the illusion of being female is there. I have looked, but not touched. I still have an "only cock in the room" streak going.

    Anyway, no answers for you, just knowledge that you are not alone.
     
  14. jeff black

    jeff black <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    This concept of double lives is very interesting. Before you go classifying yourself as gay or straight or Bi, why not jsut try experimenting. See which yor prefer or like. There is nothing wrong with that at all.
    Don't be afriad of being tagged anything, dude. Just explain your situation if you get caught.,
     
  15. WildHoney

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    Sexuality is truely facinating to me.

    I wish my hubby was bi , I find nothing hotter than two men going at it in front of me, or while I was "helping" However he has ZERO interest in men sexually. Comfortable and playful with his sexuality he finds nothing appealing in my fantasies.

    I have as a fem, tried hard to bring out my bi side, with very little sucess, zilch appeal in women ( cept they usually kiss better than most men :tongue: )

    What a waste, two hot experimental sexy people, 100% hetro hahahhah

    In a nutshell, you are what you are, embrace it and play with it, be safe and have fun.

    :)
    Honey
     
  16. SomeGuyOverThere

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    I wanted to post on this topic earlier but I didnt have time, now I can post a reply:

    I feel like i'm in the same situation as you - I have my Bisexual side which is in my mind and gets air time on LPSG, and my strait guy persona which everyone who knows me sees.

    I don't want to face the judgement of my family and friends. My family have made it clear that they're ok whatever ( I think they thought I was gay for a while as I never had a girlfrfiend), but I just don't have the guts to be strait forward about it... I'm afraid of what people think about me and how I come across, and I'm afraid that by revealing that side of myself openly I'd be retracting the shell and leaving myself open to harsh judgements and criticisms and bigotory.

    It's easy enough saying "fuck it, I don't care what anyone thinks", but its a doctrine I can't follow, and I doubt I ever will be. The people I know think I'm a strait forward, fairly confident bloke, but I have to put it on, I'm preoccupied with what people think of me.

    And yes, yes I have tried, and succeeded in not-giving-a-fuck, but I had to paper over my insecurities with arrogance and this ended up pushing a lot of people away, and I was brought down by a very perceptive person, who saw every flaw in me and pointed them out... it's a long story, but she was justified in everything she said. Perhaps what she said had cruel intentions, but she was right.

    I'm afraid I can't offer very much advice, I'm battleing with it, struggling with daily, and I have no answer. Perhaps one day I'll find one, or perhaps Ill live out my life protected by a shell of my own devising and not coming out.
     
  17. davidjh7

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    Someguy---I want to give you a small piece of advice---because I sttruggled and fought with myself over my sexuality until I was 31. And all that struggling got me was a half-wasted life. I wasted my youth over that struggle, always making excuses for "someday" I'd work it out, and I would devote the time and resources to working towards a relationship with someone, etc. All it gets you is OLD. I'm not saying you are gay, or straight, or BI. That is something we all have to look deep inside to figure out, and to what level, and how far we want to take it. Society DOES judge you, definately, and usually for the most superficial, stupid stuff that has nothing to do with who you really are. That is a given, no matter who you are. But I CAN tell you, that after really asking yourself the tough questions, and being willing to be honest enough with yourself to accept the answers when your heart and mind tell you, if you CAN accept those answers, you are better off. I spent very long periods of time, even a period where I went for over ten years without even a friend beyond a casual work friend, alone, because of this battle. It isn't worth it. It isn't worth the sleepless nights, the fear of "what if someone discovers who I REALLY am inside". I got tired of the fight, and finally accepted myself. Did my life magically change? Of course not. Did I instantly find the love of my life, win the lottery, and live happily ever after? Hell, no. What is DID do, was to take away that animal in my brain that spent far too many years beating the shit out of me, and made him powerless. You will still care how you are perceived, and not like being judged, especially wrongly, but you won't be as willing to accept being shit on about being who you are deep inside. And you will be relieved of the stress THAT causes. Hang in there, and don;t be afraid of yourself. From all I have seen, you are a fantastic guy, with a hell of alot of great qualities, who just need the chance to shine. And if you don;t sabotage it from beating yourself up, I think you'll be surprised at just HOW brightly you will shine! Make it happy, buddy--I believe in you!
     
  18. WildHoney

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    DavidJh, your a beautiful soul, that was a really gorgeous post.

    :)

    Honey
     
  19. davidjh7

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    Thank you, Honey.:smile: I only hope that Someguy gets something from it, because I mean it, and I really DO think he is an increadible young man, and that the person--whether it is guy, girl, or both--who gets the privaledge of loving, and being loved by him, will be a very very lucky person!:smile:
     
  20. dags

    dags New Member

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    Sexuality is facinating, I agree. I also agree with the other members who responded. Relax and don't worry about what everyone else thinks. I understand you come from a very traditional family, and I understand your concerns.
    When I was your age (sorry how that sounds) I was having the time of my life. I met people through friends, female and male, and I experimented with both. Both were sexually arousing to me, at that time I didnt know anyone bi. Things are much different today, you will meet people through school or work or friends. Thats how I did, my first experience outside of fooling around with same sex friends in High School was a female friends husband. It just happened! Well, a bit of non-verbal flirting goes a long way! And I also tried out chicks too, that was hot too. So enjoy being young and beautifull, have fun, you are growing as we all do. I think that is what life is about and what makes it such a gift, growing, learning, laughing, sharing and loving.
    Have fun but be safe. Do you know where Wisdom comes from? Experience!
    I am probably at that one end of the spectrom, I have always been uncoventional in my thinking and actions/decisions. You can't always live up to all of other people expectations, and live your life to make everyone else happy, because you wont be happy. I have known many people who have went that route, and eventially your true self comes out, so know yourself and love who you are. Diversity is a wonderfull thing. No two people are alike.
    There are many other people who feel the same as you, just look around, you will meet others.
     
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