Double Standards?

[EmJay]

Actually..there has been a guy I have been chatting with now and again from here.. It was my birthday in December..and on that night I was online because I couldnt sleep. So we talked..he sang for me..which was cute..

So I told him I felt old...he than said..'MJ don't ever say your old when you are young like this..because there will come a day when you will actually be old..and then you will have wasted all of your young years thinking you were'..

Hmmm...very insightful remark that was..simple but so true...and made me think that I shouldn't ever think like that..not now at least..

My grandma is 85..and one day soon I will get a phonecall to tell me that she has passed on..the thought fills me with grief already. But I cant focus on that..she is still here for me to enjoy..

 

[petite]

I think we're all sensitive in our own way. The idea of spending time getting to know someone, and possibly losing your heart to them, THEN discovering that they're an asshole, absolutely horrifies me. Seriously, it's not something I want to be doing.

True.

That's not the only reason I'm happy to have sex early on, nor is it the main reason, but it certainly influences my decision. And of course, having sex with someone won't show up all their faults, but it does highlight the occasional guy I would never go near again.

It does!

I've said this before, but if he were to judge me for having sex with him straight away, or if he lost interest because he didn't have to chase me, he wouldn't be the right guy for me anyway.

Not for me either. Guys like that aren't worth it. I just know that in addition to the double standard, there are a bunch of other concepts he probably holds that are incompatible with my worldview.

I'm so the opposite!!! The less time I spend with them before I find out they're an asshole, the better! And that applies doubly, or triply if emotions are likely to become involved.

That logic makes complete sense to me! And every single time I've ever found out that a guy wasn't worth my time, I've thanked the stars that I didn't find out later!

I think the difference, yet again, comes down to how we each view sex. To me, sex is just sex. There are no emotions inherently involved with sex (for me). Having sex with him doesn't make me feel I've exposed my soul to him, or made myself vulnerable in any way. However, the better he knows me, the more I DO feel exposed and vulnerable. So I'm thinking that all three of us (me, you, Emjay) seem to have the same basic thing happening (we don't want to expose ourselves and get hurt), but we feel differently about how that is most likely to happen.

I think you've got it.

I can't put my finger on it.. Maybe I can explain better later, but I do feel something like vulnerability. I don't feel like I've exposed my soul or anything, but it is very intimate and personal, in a way that makes me not mind sleeping with a platonic male friend with whom I have real affection for even though we aren't in love.

I'm not a fan of it either, but I have very few of those in my past, if any. I have a few I don't like, but I'm not sure I have any I hate.

I've only had two, and maybe hate is the wrong word. Angry is more accurate. I've actually resolved things with the other one, not the asshole in that other thread, and discovered that what happened so long ago was just a big misunderstanding.

I slept with a really sexy male friend, and it was the best one night stand of my life. I really wanted to do it again. Well... he got really drunk and humiliated me in public in front of a lot of people, and then about an hour later I confronted him and yelled at him, and... It was a trainwreck. I didn't speak to him again until last year when I saw him pop up on Facebook, just like the other guy. I was in a mood, contacting a lot of people from my past, deciding to resolve things that were unresolved, you know what I mean. He sent me the most beautiful message via Facebook, it overwhelmed me, thanking me for an act of friendship I did for him 12 years ago, telling me I saved his life! He said that the whole life he has now, which is wonderful and full of happiness, he wouldn't have had it if it hadn't been for me, and he'd felt bad about what had happened between us and he'd wanted to tell me that for so long. I was blown away. It was beautiful. No woman could be mad at a man who sent a letter like that. If he had sent it to me a decade ago, who knows? Maybe I would have ended up with him instead of TheBF!

It seems to me that it is much more common in younger males. Although I would have put the age limit for this kind of behaviour even lower, maybe at around 20.

I had to raise it up to 23 because that guy I dated and his friends thought that way. I had a clue when they started talking about this Eddie Murphy movie where the double standard was essentially the theme. Their comments were illuminating.

I also feel that this kind of behaviour seems less likely to occur in those who are more well read, more educated, or more intelligent (I really tried to think of a PC way to write that, but couldn't :redface. I think it occurs less in these instances because those sorts of people are the most likely to be able to think for themselves, and are less likely to just rely on what society has told them to think (this could explain the age effect as well). This DOES not mean that I think less educated people are less intelligent, or that I think less well read, less educated, or less intelligent people can't or don't think for themselves.

It is. The English Majors I've dated, those guys didn't believe in the double standard.

I think there's one group that has a tendency to stick to the double standard, regardless of educational level: jocks. I dated one jock who was a double major who was attempting to get into med school. I strongly suspect that he abided by the double standard. We met when I took a class he taught! :tongue:

From your posts so far, you seem like a really lovely guy :smile:.

I agree!

 

[petite]

Actually..there has been a guy I have been chatting with now and again from here.. It was my birthday in December..and on that night I was online because I couldnt sleep. So we talked..he sang for me..which was cute..

So I told him I felt old...he than said..'MJ don't ever say your old when you are young like this..because there will come a day when you will actually be old..and then you will have wasted all of your young years thinking you were'..

Hmmm...very insightful remark that was..simple but so true...and made me think that I shouldn't ever think like that..not now at least..

My grandma is 85..and one day soon I will get a phonecall to tell me that she has passed on..the thought fills me with grief already. But I cant focus on that..she is still here for me to enjoy..

Wow, that's great! That is an insightful remark. He's right.

I think about that when it comes to my father, whom I love dearly. He is having many health problems and I know I don't have much time with him left. It pains me that I live too far away from him because I want to spend so much more time with him. The thought that I probably don't have much time left to spend with him fills me with grief, too. We aren't given enough life to waste any of it.

 

[Icarium]

I've always tried not to hold to to double standards and every now and again i take a look back to see if I've acted that way to whom and why, but its been awhile since I've double standard anyone. There are guys and a lot of women out there who are only out for themselves, i know quite afew guys who go partying on a Fri & Sat night looking to get laid, but in the morning has no respect for the girl because she slept with him!!! I onced questioned my ex-mate about this.

I said you wanted to sleep with someone she slept with you and now you slag her of for it, why not look in the mirror you were just as easy sleeping with her. He just looked at me and said only slags do what she does and he was a stud for doing the same thing. But a week earlier he slagged off a girl for not sleeping with him one of many reasons why he's an ex-friend!!!

When you're younger you life differently than when you are older, a lot of guys still see themselves as "dominant" over women, the rules they live by are so old fashioned its unbelieveable.

I go by the rule whats good for the goose is good for the gander concept, a few months back i was at a private party and a nice lass made it plain to me that she wanted to have sex with me that night and that it was a physical thing, she wasn't after an affair and could i handle it?! I was flattered and more than happy to oblige. In the morning i made her coffee and toast in bed we chatted had some more sex and went our merry way.

I sometimes think why can't it be that simple, why the need for bullshit and hang ups??

 

[EmJay]

I sometimes think why can't it be that simple, why the need for bullshit and hang ups??

Yeah..why cant it be..just a great night filled with sex, talking, laughing, staying over..cuddling and kissing in bed..more sex, nice breakfast, showering together, some more sex..and say goodbye with a mutually great feeling..

and if the feeling is there..repeat it all again the next time..
Maybe even catch a movie too..

It could all be so simple really..

 

[B_subgirrl]

I've only had two, and maybe hate is the wrong word. Angry is more accurate. I've actually resolved things with the other one, not the asshole in that other thread, and discovered that what happened so long ago was just a big misunderstanding.

I slept with a really sexy male friend, and it was the best one night stand of my life. I really wanted to do it again. Well... he got really drunk and humiliated me in public in front of a lot of people, and then about an hour later I confronted him and yelled at him, and... It was a trainwreck. I didn't speak to him again until last year when I saw him pop up on Facebook, just like the other guy. I was in a mood, contacting a lot of people from my past, deciding to resolve things that were unresolved, you know what I mean. He sent me the most beautiful message via Facebook, it overwhelmed me, thanking me for an act of friendship I did for him 12 years ago, telling me I saved his life! He said that the whole life he has now, which is wonderful and full of happiness, he wouldn't have had it if it hadn't been for me, and he'd felt bad about what had happened between us and he'd wanted to tell me that for so long. I was blown away. It was beautiful. No woman could be mad at a man who sent a letter like that. If he had sent it to me a decade ago, who knows? Maybe I would have ended up with him instead of TheBF!

Aww, he sounds like a sweetheart.

I feel like I need to go through my list now and see if there are any assholes on there - particularly of the sort we've been discussing.

Okay, I checked. I couldn't see one person who was deceptive in any way about what they wanted from/with me. They haven't all been overtly honest, but none of them led me to believe they . . .

Ahh, hang on! That's the wrong thread isn't it! :redface: In this one we were discussing double standards and guys who treat you terribly afterwards because of the double standard. Weren't we? I'm so confused :redface:.

*checks again* Okay, none of them behaved in a way that would lead me to believe they had a double standard. Some of them may have had a double standard, I suppose, but it's likely that they were the ones I moved on from as soon as I woke up (or went home).

I guess my experiences will be a little different to those of others, because I have never looked for or pursued a serious relationship. Those that I have had, snuck up on me. I've also been quite clear with most of my partners that sex was all I wanted, so I guess they never felt the need to make false promises to me.

I had to raise it up to 23 because that guy I dated and his friends thought that way. I had a clue when they started talking about this Eddie Murphy movie where the double standard was essentially the theme. Their comments were illuminating.

I bet!

I think there's one group that has a tendency to stick to the double standard, regardless of educational level: jocks. I dated one jock who was a double major who was attempting to get into med school. I strongly suspect that he abided by the double standard. We met when I took a class he taught! :tongue:

I've really never been into the jock types, as friends or sexual partners, so I'm not really equipped to comment on this one.

 

[blazblue]

Yeah..why cant it be..just a great night filled with sex, talking, laughing, staying over..cuddling and kissing in bed..more sex, nice breakfast, showering together, some more sex..and say goodbye with a mutually great feeling..

and if the feeling is there..repeat it all again the next time..
Maybe even catch a movie too..

It could all be so simple really..

that sounds good to me :biggrin1:

 

[petite]

Aww, he sounds like a sweetheart.

He was! In it he said that he had never had a friend who had done so much for him and he had always wanted to thank me for what I did for him. I feel terrible about how things happened, because I should have been more forgiving in his case and given him another chance. I just didn't know that. We had the potential for something really amazing to happen between us.

I wasn't really clear above. I didn't hate him. I was just very angry at him and too proud to sleep with him again. Our fight, it wasn't over deceptiveness or trickery. Really, he just got drunk and acted like an asshole. I wasn't interested in a relationship with him, I just wanted to remain friends and have mind-blowing sex over and over again. :tongue:

But he got really trashed and sort of threw himself at me and I felt insulted by how he was treating me, like I was trashy and cheap, in such an inappropriate public place full of too many acquaintances, friends, and frenemies. He made a scene and there would be rumors. I ran into him about an hour later and I told him off. Then I cut him out of my life.

I just didn't know how he felt about me. He never told me that he valued me so much as a friend, or that he appreciated me so much, and the way he treated me, I was sure that he didn't have one iota of respect for me and I didn't tolerate being treated like that.

I've regretted never sleeping with him again because he really was passionate and incredible in bed. The best one night stand of my life. I've thought about that night with him over and over again. It's a good memory that was tainted.

And now I regret the fact that all of that happened, when it seems like something else amazing could have happened instead.

This had nothing to do with anything else except that I wanted you to know that I don't have a past full of guys I've slept with that I hate, so I went through my list. Most of my experiences have been good ones, and I've remained friends with almost every one of them, but there have been one or two train wrecks, too. :redface:

I guess my experiences will be a little different to those of others, because I have never looked for or pursued a serious relationship. Those that I have had, snuck up on me. I've also been quite clear with most of my partners that sex was all I wanted, so I guess they never felt the need to make false promises to me.

That makes sense. If you're upfront about just wanting sex, then there's no motivation to lie to you.

Most of my relationships have snuck up on me, too. I think most of the time that was unspoken and understood that sex was all if it was a one night stand, but sometimes it developed into more.

 

[helgaleena]

He was! In it he said that he had never had a friend who had done so much for him and he had always wanted to thank me for what I did for him. I feel terrible about how things happened, because I should have been more forgiving in his case and given him another chance. I just didn't know that. We had the potential for something really amazing to happen between us.

I wasn't really clear above. I didn't hate him. I was just very angry at him and too proud to sleep with him again. Our fight, it wasn't over deceptiveness or trickery. Really, he just got drunk and acted like an asshole. I wasn't interested in a relationship with him, I just wanted to remain friends and have mind-blowing sex over and over again. :tongue:

But he got really trashed and sort of threw himself at me and I felt insulted by how he was treating me, like I was trashy and cheap, in such an inappropriate public place full of too many acquaintances, friends, and frenemies. He made a scene and there would be rumors. I ran into him about an hour later and I told him off. Then I cut him out of my life.

I just didn't know how he felt about me. He never told me that he valued me so much as a friend, or that he appreciated me so much, and the way he treated me, I was sure that he didn't have one iota of respect for me and I didn't tolerate being treated like that.

I've regretted never sleeping with him again because he really was passionate and incredible in bed. The best one night stand of my life. I've thought about that night with him over and over again. It's a good memory that was tainted.

And now I regret the fact that all of that happened, when it seems like something else amazing could have happened instead.

This had nothing to do with anything else except that I wanted you to know that I don't have a past full of guys I've slept with that I hate, so I went through my list. Most of my experiences have been good ones, and I've remained friends with almost every one of them, but there have been one or two train wrecks, too. :redface:

I think you did right to hold your own in the story you tell, petite. He would have done it again sometime he was 'trashed'. Even if you were not offended you would begin to look like his doormat.

Dignity is harder to project than I realized, as a young thing. And I have to keep it going nowadays, or else!

 

[petite]

I think you did right to hold your own in the story you tell, petite. He would have done it again sometime he was 'trashed'. Even if you were not offended you would begin to look like his doormat.

Dignity is harder to project than I realized, as a young thing. And I have to keep it going nowadays, or else!

See? That's what I think! And the fact that it was soooo public and did it in front of so many people, too. If I hadn't reacted strongly, I feel like I would have lost the respect of a LOT of people, not just him. People would know that he treated me like that, and I let him get away with it, so other people would feel more freedom to treat me badly, or at least I would lose their respect. At least, that's how I felt about it at the time. Looking back, it just seems like a catch-22, no way for either of us to win it once that incident occurred, even though it seems like there should be SOME way for it to have ended better. In my lifetime, chemistry like that... It's so rare, so hard to find.

It's so complicated, life.